DH has done something lovely but I am furious with him about it. Can you help me articulate why???

[TeaFor6]

Brief background is we have been married 9 years, mostly very happy. 4DC DC aged 8, 5 and 6month old twins.

Previously we have always had at least 1 holiday abroad a year. With the (unplanned) arrival of 2 babies things are obviously a bit tighter money wise. So we agreed we would not go abroad this year but would do days out and maybe a long wknd somewhere for ‘holidays’. I can’t lie- I was a tiny bit disappointed about not going abroad. I know it’s a bit of a first world problem but I do look forward to getting away. But I didn’t make any kind of fuss about it and I am excited for what we do have planned.

Anyway, this morning DH sits me and DDs down and announces he has booked a ‘surprise’ holiday abroad. Due to fly in 3 weeks! He booked it over a month ago. I could just about get over him booking it without telling me but I am livid that he chose to tell me at the same time as the DC’s. I am NOT a bloody child. We are supposed to be equals, partners who make decisions about these things together. Surely I’m not wrong on this???

I KNOW he was trying to do a nice thing for me but I just feel so undermined and patronised! And he just doesn’t think things through. He’s booked us a villa. So has he thought about if its in a practical location i.e. easy to push a double buggy around? Close to restaurants/supermarkets? (self-catering of course, so will he be doing all the cooking/washing up? I doubt it) Are there things for the girls to do? Is the house practical with 2 young babies? No. He hasn’t thought about any of that. Nor the inconvenient flight times (fly out at 1am). Plus I will now have to cancel appointments for that week, and a party invite for DD1 that she had already accepted.

On the less practical side I’m upset because I would have liked to have some say in choosing the holiday myself. I love looking through brochures, choosing where to go and counting down the weeks until we leave and I feel a bit like he’s taken that away from me (very childish I know, but it’s how I feel)
I know some people will say I’m being ungrateful and maybe I am, but I suppose I’m pissed off because its just another example of him making a bloody great decision without discussing it with me and just expecting me to put up with it. (It's not that long since we had a big discussion about him doing this and I thought we'd got somewhere but obviously not. It's like he thinks my opinion doesn’t matter ) And it feels like he’s done all the fun bits on his own and just left me to think about the practical stuff as usual Plus it might have been nice to have the fun of telling the DCs together. Now he's SuperDad and I get no credit (again very, very childish I know)

I’m trying to explain some of this to him but I’m one of those people who, when I get angry and frustrated, I end up in tears It’s pretty hard to sound sane and reasonable when your voice cracks into a sob every time you try and say something!

Am I right for feeling like this? He just can’t understand why I’m upset and I feel guilty for being so angry when he really was trying to do a nice thing I'm just sick of always feeling like the miserable one who puts a dampener on everything. I don't want to always have to think about the practical side but somebody has to! How do I get through to him??

OP, on 22 April, ten short weeks ago, you and MrTea (A-Team snigger) agreed "most importantly he needs to start backing me up and not making any major decisions without discussing it with me first."

You need to remind him of that.

I have a DC3 the same age as your DTs, if my calculations are right. When we went away for the weekend recently, food was a nightmare. Early weaning, pre-teeth, is hard work not least because getting the right kind of high chair is a lottery and the mess

I do hope you get the chance to enjoy your holiday after all the disruption and upset it causes you. But I do think you need to spell out in very strong terms that there are to be No More Surprises or you will apply to his boss on his behalf for three months' parental leave under the new rules. What larks! Spending lots of time with the DC! What's not to like?

I get the impression that he's going to get away with this (again), you're going to enable him and he'll have no responsibility for packing, organising, problem-solving, sacrificing...

That sounds like a brilliant idea - 4 adults & 4 children would work very well! It sounds as if you like them & you all get on well so that would make it much more of a proper holiday for you

I bet he doesn't behave like this in any other area of his life (make major decisions without considering the consequences). But he can do it in his homelife because he knows you'll pickup the pieces.

Whose idea was the rabbit incidentally?

"don't go on about" puppygate, when until now you hadn't brought it up?

He is not coming across well here.

Right, so he doesn't want to be reminded of his past failings.
He doesn't respect you I'm afraid. As others have said, your presence is necessary in his life to facilitate him getting what he wants, when he wants it, and not having to pick up the pieces - that's your job.

Does he do nice things for you OP? What are his good points? What makes this marriage work for you?

I would have gone off the deep end at this. 1am flights is enough reason on their own.

So although he's closed all discussion on the puppy, has he actually sorted out where said puppy is going to go during the holiday?

I do hope you manage to sort it out and enjoy the holiday when you do go. Taking the PILs along too sounds like a good idea. Especially if you can get one of them on the 1am flight and you plus the other aren't able to get on that flight so have to go at a more convenient time (with the DTs) ....

process they didn't get the puppy in the end.

He does do nice things for me stands. He is caring, affectionate and we have fun together. He is a loving Dad and not a Dad who has never changed a nappy. He is happy to spend hours playing with the DC and hates that he doesn't spend as much time with them as he'd like.

I do love him and believe he loves me But I do feel like he takes me for granted. i don't think he means to but it's a habit he can't seem to kick for more than a few weeks

I didn't mean to imply you were enabling, tea...more that he's taking advantage of your conscientious nature?
It's so easy to be calm and playful about life, when someone else is doing all the donkey work.

You would be unreasonable if he had paid for it all himself.

You wouldn't be unreasonable if it was family money- for example, if my DP bought a 500 pound TV with half of my money without my consent, he would also be forking out for hotel rooms for himself for the rest of the week.

Ok so things can be good, so it's not immediate LTB time.
The taking for granted thing is something I've seen posters on here talk about a lot, it seems to be a very common problem in a household where one adult has the dominant career and the other is expected to be there for the kids.

I guess the key question is, do you feel as though you can work as a team to work through this?
It doesn't sound as though he wants to listen.

It's the kind of thing my DH would do with the best of intentions but it would panic and upset me a bit - I don't like surprises, he knows I don't, and I don't see why doing something like that as a surprise could possibly be better than making a joint decision about it - plus if you're unlikely to be able to have another holiday for a while then I expect you would have probably enjoyed the planning and booking of it. My DH is very good at 'half organising' stuff, so he wouldn't think about stuff like buggy access and flight times either and would think I was a bit of a stick in the mud for bringing it up.

Anyway OP, I think if he's just misjudged it a bit then you have to look kindly on it and try to appreciate it for the nice gesture it was meant as.

Oh sorry posted too soon - I have RTFT now and given his history I would say this is out of order.

Sorry for jumping the gun.

I've just checked the end of the puppy thread and I was going to copy a bit from your final post - then realised it was all relevant. So have a re-read and see what you were thinking 3 months ago.

Hi all,

Sorry for the late update. Just sat down!

H and I had a long,long talk last night and I think he has seen the error of his ways. He admitted he had no idea the kind of work a puppy would take and the risk to the DT's. I think he was shocked when he (finally) realised just how upset I was. I know he seems like a complete dickehead, but I know he would never deliberately upset me. He just does not think of the consequences.

As some of you have said, this is definitley a sympton of a wider problem. I feel he doesn't have enough respect for me, and I'm sick of him acting like some sort of 'disney dad.' He said that he does appreciate everything I do and he feels that he sees so little of the kids that he just wants them to have a nice time when they are together. Does he not think I feel like that too? We talked a lot and I think I did get through to him. He was apologetic and agreed we need to make some changes.

I made him stay to tell the DDs this morning (his problem if he was later for work!). He explained that it would be impossible and he was wrong to say yes. DD2 was disappointed but seemed to get over it pretty qucikly! DD1 has been upset on and off all day but seemed a bit happier after I told her the dog would go to a good home (think she was worried what would happen to it if we didn't take it).

I've told DH things have to start changing, starting with this wkend. I'm going to take the girls for a nice day out and stay somewhere over night. He can stay and look after twins. I feel like i've not spent much time with DDs since twins were born and it will be nice for them to have some fun time with just me, and gives H some bonding time with the babies (first time i've left them. Arghhh!). I've told him he needs to stop with the presents every time he's away for the night (comes home loaded with gifts every. single. time). The DDs have come to expect it and its not good for them. Plus they should be looking forward to seeing him, not presents. And , most importantly he needs to start backing me up and not making any major decisions without discussing it with me first.

I think he is generally contrite that he upset me so much. He's still in the doghouse in my bad books, but at least the DDs seem ok (and we are not getting a dog!) We'll see how things go, but hopefully things will improve now he understands just how serious his behaviour is for our relationship. Maybe this will be the kick up the ass we need to improve things

Thank you everybody for all your posts They made me feel a lot more confident about what I needed to say and even managed to make me smile. You are great

Is he resentful of you, OP? It sounds as if he doesn't give a fig for your opinions other than paying lip service to you after the event. That's not nice for your children to see and he's the one in the wrong.

Your posts make me feel like your papering over the cracks and swallowing your resentment. Is your husband the breadwinner or do you both bring in money to the home? If you don't, I hope that you have cast iron plans and financial agreements in place to protect you from him should the need arise.

It's obvious that he feels he has the right to do as he pleases and you'll fall into line. The telling you about the holiday at the same time as the children speaks absolute volumes. It's a slapdown; you are being put on the same level as them rather than being treated as a partner.

I'm not surprised that you're upset. I would be too.

What's done is done he wanted to do something nice with the money his parents gave him

An alternative view could be that he wanted to do something and not have it micromanaged like a military operation just go with the flow
(- disclaimer I could micromanage the washing up given half a chance )

Impractical yes but not totally thoughtless

I'd go and have some fun and hand off some responsibilities to him

I do think that mentioning the puppy thing should have been said in the beginning as it explains more why you are angry...but...As you said you knew what he was like before you married him and you loved the way he was. Now you want to change him. I do understand but we cant change other people only ourselves. They have to change themselves.
I think he likes surprising people and likes to be the "hero" sometimes. Lots of men do. I think that the way he is wont change OP unless he wants to and episodes like the holiday will have resentment on both sides which doesn't really bode well for your marriage now or in the future. He means well, I dont think he is trying to be controlling or whatever other label people want to put on him. He sounds a good guy but he will also have his own view and feelings on this and will feel that he is not in the wrong. He sees it his way and you see it yours. Marriage can be long but you both have to compromise but not try and change each other otherwise things can easily go bad.

Why did he tell you - 4 weeks after he booked it- and the same time as the children?
He saw it as His gift to the family not yours I guess.

I don't think it's controlling, it's utterly self centred. In both incidents, his wife's thoughts and needs did not for a second enter his head. After promising her two months ago, he would consider her in future, that must be infuriating.

This thread has made me grateful DH's worst habit is surprising me with things from IKEA. OP, can you at least put your foot down about the flight times -- arriving knackered would put a damper on any holiday but especially in this context.

slithytove your advice upthread is very sensible, however, I think it reinforces just how much work this 'lovely' gesture is going to make for OP - I would be to have to do all that mitigation and have to be terribly grateful. I used to be PA to a bloke who would regularly pull badly thought idea out of a hat, but at least I got paid for making them work.

How many mothers bitch about how their husband does nothing, ever?
Stop being such a control freak and realise you have the "gold" husband that thinks about you and your family.
Now you know that you are going on a super holiday, get on the internet to research the area and its facilities.

OP yanbu. LOL at the idea if "going with the flow" when you have 4dcs under 9 including baby twins...

Bitch? Gold husband? Weird!