DH has done something lovely but I am furious with him about it. Can you help me articulate why???

[TeaFor6]

Brief background is we have been married 9 years, mostly very happy. 4DC DC aged 8, 5 and 6month old twins.

Previously we have always had at least 1 holiday abroad a year. With the (unplanned) arrival of 2 babies things are obviously a bit tighter money wise. So we agreed we would not go abroad this year but would do days out and maybe a long wknd somewhere for ‘holidays’. I can’t lie- I was a tiny bit disappointed about not going abroad. I know it’s a bit of a first world problem but I do look forward to getting away. But I didn’t make any kind of fuss about it and I am excited for what we do have planned.

Anyway, this morning DH sits me and DDs down and announces he has booked a ‘surprise’ holiday abroad. Due to fly in 3 weeks! He booked it over a month ago. I could just about get over him booking it without telling me but I am livid that he chose to tell me at the same time as the DC’s. I am NOT a bloody child. We are supposed to be equals, partners who make decisions about these things together. Surely I’m not wrong on this???

I KNOW he was trying to do a nice thing for me but I just feel so undermined and patronised! And he just doesn’t think things through. He’s booked us a villa. So has he thought about if its in a practical location i.e. easy to push a double buggy around? Close to restaurants/supermarkets? (self-catering of course, so will he be doing all the cooking/washing up? I doubt it) Are there things for the girls to do? Is the house practical with 2 young babies? No. He hasn’t thought about any of that. Nor the inconvenient flight times (fly out at 1am). Plus I will now have to cancel appointments for that week, and a party invite for DD1 that she had already accepted.

On the less practical side I’m upset because I would have liked to have some say in choosing the holiday myself. I love looking through brochures, choosing where to go and counting down the weeks until we leave and I feel a bit like he’s taken that away from me (very childish I know, but it’s how I feel)
I know some people will say I’m being ungrateful and maybe I am, but I suppose I’m pissed off because its just another example of him making a bloody great decision without discussing it with me and just expecting me to put up with it. (It's not that long since we had a big discussion about him doing this and I thought we'd got somewhere but obviously not. It's like he thinks my opinion doesn’t matter ) And it feels like he’s done all the fun bits on his own and just left me to think about the practical stuff as usual Plus it might have been nice to have the fun of telling the DCs together. Now he's SuperDad and I get no credit (again very, very childish I know)

I’m trying to explain some of this to him but I’m one of those people who, when I get angry and frustrated, I end up in tears It’s pretty hard to sound sane and reasonable when your voice cracks into a sob every time you try and say something!

Am I right for feeling like this? He just can’t understand why I’m upset and I feel guilty for being so angry when he really was trying to do a nice thing I'm just sick of always feeling like the miserable one who puts a dampener on everything. I don't want to always have to think about the practical side but somebody has to! How do I get through to him??

Some of us love being surprised, some of us like to be consulted.

The OP's H could easily have surprised his wife AND consulted her & treated her like a grown up & partner - "Darling SURPRISE, my parents have given us £££ towards a holiday this year - where shall we go?"

Easy.

I'd agree that if it was just this, then it would be unfortunate but a nice gesture. A bit "Tim nice but dim".

But this isn't a one off. This is the second time in only a few weeks that he has done something on impulse, without consulting the OP, and with absolutely NO IDEA of how the real world works.

e.g. But puppies don't take any sort of time commitment or money or energy do they?

Moron

becool - exactly! Here's some brochures I picked up and some websites I've found - what do you think? Let's drink this yummy wine and eat this yummy chocolate while we do it.

Now that would be awesome!!

This happened to me once but the other way round.

About a year ago I decided to pay for a holiday for me and my DP. I thought it would be romantic and a nice gesture as he had mentioned several times he would really like us to go away together. I came into a bit of money that I wasn't expecting - it was gifted by my grandparents who had decided to share some money from the sale of a property between their children and grandchildren.

At the time I thought it was a lovely idea and as my DP did not know I had come into this money it would be a real surprise.

First off I did not get the reaction I was expecting, he was angry that he didn't have any input on the choice of destination or where we would be staying. He was angry that I had spent the money without his input even though we were reasonably financially secure and didn't need it for anything else. I had to bite my lip as I'm terrible at keeping secrets but didn't want to ruin the surprise, I felt absolutely crushed when he turned around and wasn't happy with me. It made me feel like I had wasted my money as well as really I only spent it on a holiday because I thought it would make him happy. I was so upset but held it together thinking he would just calm down.

We did go on the holiday but he sulked through most of it. We spent a lot of time sitting in the hotel not talking, he was too tired to go out, unenthusiastic and not interested in doing anything or going anywhere. The sulk ruined most of the holiday.

After reading this though maybe I was in the wrong, I should have maybe expected it. I just thought I was doing a nice thing though.

I see that your twins were a bit of a surprise as well OP.

I'm starting to see the funny side. I can only hope that you are too.

overslept I think that's a bit of a different situation. Are you still together?

Has he 'organised it', Goblin?
Or has he just booked it ('done the fun bits') and left the boring organising bits to the OP?

H: "You know I specifically agreed not to make any big decisions without consulting you first...?"

OP: "yes"

H: "well...surprise! I've booked us a holiday!"

OP: "okayyy. When do we leave?"

H: "at 1am"

OP: "what time will we get there?"

H: "about 4am"

OP: "so what about the kids sleeping?"

H: "oh don't worry, we'll all just stay awake all night."

OP: "riiiiggghhht. So what about where we're staying?"

H: "it's a self catering villa"

OP: "oh right, so who's going to be doing the catering then?"

H: "well, you know, I thought, maybe you could do it, since you're really good at that stuff."

OP: "So this villa, does it have a dishwasher, washing machine, air con, fencing round the pool?"

H: "dunno. Haven't bothered to check."

OP: "just looking at the blurb, it says we'll getvtobyhe villa at 6am but can't check in until 11am. What shall we do while we're waiting?"

H: "dunno. Have brunch?"

OP: "but we'll all have been awake all night and we'll have all our luggage with us, including the double buggy..."

H: "don't worry, we'll wing it"

Etc, etc, etc.

I don't know about you, but that sounds exactly like my dream holiday.

No, we separated a few months after (had been together for just over 5 years when we separated), I think it actually played a part in why we separated. We started to bicker a lot, and often the holiday was brought up one way or another, ex because I spent money without consulting him and me because he sulked and ruined the holiday.

overslept I think it's different if you've both always wanted to go to Rome together for example.

You come into money, buy surprise trip to Rome, and it's something you both wanted and enjoyed.

But when someone books a random holiday as a surprise and presents it to the other person as a done deal, it does rather seem like you're saying "I've come into some money so I'm going on holiday and I'm paying for you to come with me."

Exactly Angelina so I can completely understand why the OP would be livid.

Holidays with kids are a totally different matter to the pre kids version and need to be micro managed!

i think a holiday is too big a thing to make into a surprise. it's too big a commitment to force someone to make without their consent, however nice. on some level, if not many, it will be an imposition.

if you're going to go i would:

1. not be a martyr
2. do not pick up the slack as a result of his impulse decision making. let him sort out the impulse problems too.
3. do not allow him to go off with the older two leaving you with the twins all the time. make sure he gets a fair bit of time with the babies too.
4. make sure you carve out some holiday time on your own, even if it's a short walk in the evening, all to yourself. you need to be able to get something positive from this so you don't resent it.
5. don't be a misery guts.

good luck.

I would also be quite cross.

Some women would love it. I hate surprises so would hate it.

Deep down i would be most hurt DH didn't 'know me' or care that it wouldn't be my thing just because it's romantic to the rest of society IYSWIM. Your DH should 'know' you... I remember at my marriage lesson the example of a wonderful box of chocolates being a rubbish present if your spouse prefers a cheese and cracker selection! It doesn't matter what normal/romantic/lovely means to others - just you.

You absolutely have to make him responsible for sorting out the logistics. Including cancelling appointments/party invites.

Unless and until he understands what a massive pain in the arse this is for you, you've no hope of him ever gaining any insight.

PS. Not saying in this case but I had an emotionally abusing ex who used to do this kind of thing (quoted from a PP) to get his own way...

*"I think that he told you in front of the children because that way you had to supress your feelings and pretend that you are happy. That is manipulating.
He knew that you will not be happy.

Not only he did someting that you dont like but you have to thank him aswell. Because it was.....a surprise!!"*

Partly off the back of this thread, I've just been (ahem) rather assertive with DH about my birthday present. He wanted to get me a surprise thing except he can't keep secrets 'to use on your own without the kids'. Lovely idea, but as I'm rarely without the kids, I've got him to swap it for same-thing-with-child-capacity, so I can actually use it more than once a year.

I wouldn't mind a surprise holiday, but a surprise holiday at 1 in the morning, with no thought to the logistics of small children? Fuck off.

You have my total sympathy OP. Luckily my husband wouldn't be so bloody stupid. If you make yours take full responsibility for all contingencies then he probably won't do it again. Don't clear up after him.

warysara But OP wouldn't be the one guaranteeing failure and a miserable time by forcing her H to face up to his responsibilities to her and to their DCs. He made the choice to book a holiday without asking her about it first, so should have to confront what that actually means in practical terms.

Perhaps it won't be the best holiday that they've ever had, but it won't be OP's fault.

I'm also amazed at all the 'you should be grateful' type comments. It's like the stepford wives!

Even without puppygate, I would have been really annoyed at DH if he'd done this. In fact, I am sitting here feeling grateful that my DH would not do this. He would want to talk about it and overanalyse every detail. I'd never even consider booking a holiday without his input either, because I understand that he has his own ideas about what he'd like to do.

This is just like organising a driving holiday when you don't drive and then insisting that you're doing 'a nice thing' for your chauffeur partner. Shopping and cooking in an unfamiliar place sounds a like a lot of work fir the OP while he plays with the (bigger) kids in the pool.

To 'make the best of it' my practical suggestion would be to insist that he books a room in a hotel next to the airport for your arrival. That way you and the kids can sleep til 12 then check out and head to the villa.

Yes, it's more money. But I can't imagine anything worse than trying to entertain 4 children who haven't slept over 'brunch' while you wait to get near a bed.

Note: if the kids won't sleep in the hotel room then it will obviously be your DH's job to take them out and entertain them (all 4 of them if necessary) while you sleep until it's time to check out.

A bit in response to overslept's post.

I would think it was nice if, for example, I had always said that I would love to visit Egypt and my partner booked a holiday there, taking into account that I would be more interested in seeing the pyramids and the ruins than going on a package holiday to a beach resort (except for diving to see the coral reefs).
If I had just mentioned that it would be nice to go away on holiday, I would expect to have at least a choice about the destination.
In either case, I would like to have sufficient warning about when was it.

yep I think this is the best direction for this thread now - practical suggestions about what the OP can do to make her dh take responsibility for enough things that she can wring some scraps of enjoyment from the fiasco (as you aren't actually going to refuse to go, are you OP - that's my impression? Or - you could lay it all out on the basis that "I will go, if-")

as others have said,

• make your dh manage rearranging everything important that would have happened during that time.
• make your dh go through the timings and arrange things like the suggested hotel for sleeping in when you get in.
• make your dh find out, and plan around, your airline's policies on buggies and extra luggage.
• make your dh book taxis or hire cars with the required car seats for all journeys. Get him to check luggage capacity.
• you will not be doing any laundry. Make sure he knows this and packs adequately for himself and the dcs. Make him plan this out, outfit by outfit, buying more clothes if necessary.
• do the twins bf or ff or some of both? What about food? We need to know these things to make sure we can identify what jobs he needs to do.
• get him to get precise details of the kitchen, bathroom, and bedroom arrangements so you can identify areas you will need him to trouble shoot in advance. In particular, do the twins need two cots and two high chairs? Two probably won't come as standard.
• get him to menu plan all meals that will not be taken out, and get him to arrnage a delivery of the ingredients to the house. Make sure he is planning things he already knows how to cook himself. It can't be all your job.
• talk about daily plans. for instance - when the twins nap do you want him to take the dcs away? Or do you want to use that time for something else, so you want him to take them away? Carve out some time for you every day and make it clear to him what he will need to do to faciliate this. IF what you want this time for is to be alone, make sure he knows you will not be doing meal prepping etc in that time.
• say you will not be cleaning on the last day, you will need him to book a cleaner or do it himself