DH has done something lovely but I am furious with him about it. Can you help me articulate why???

[TeaFor6]

Brief background is we have been married 9 years, mostly very happy. 4DC DC aged 8, 5 and 6month old twins.

Previously we have always had at least 1 holiday abroad a year. With the (unplanned) arrival of 2 babies things are obviously a bit tighter money wise. So we agreed we would not go abroad this year but would do days out and maybe a long wknd somewhere for ‘holidays’. I can’t lie- I was a tiny bit disappointed about not going abroad. I know it’s a bit of a first world problem but I do look forward to getting away. But I didn’t make any kind of fuss about it and I am excited for what we do have planned.

Anyway, this morning DH sits me and DDs down and announces he has booked a ‘surprise’ holiday abroad. Due to fly in 3 weeks! He booked it over a month ago. I could just about get over him booking it without telling me but I am livid that he chose to tell me at the same time as the DC’s. I am NOT a bloody child. We are supposed to be equals, partners who make decisions about these things together. Surely I’m not wrong on this???

I KNOW he was trying to do a nice thing for me but I just feel so undermined and patronised! And he just doesn’t think things through. He’s booked us a villa. So has he thought about if its in a practical location i.e. easy to push a double buggy around? Close to restaurants/supermarkets? (self-catering of course, so will he be doing all the cooking/washing up? I doubt it) Are there things for the girls to do? Is the house practical with 2 young babies? No. He hasn’t thought about any of that. Nor the inconvenient flight times (fly out at 1am). Plus I will now have to cancel appointments for that week, and a party invite for DD1 that she had already accepted.

On the less practical side I’m upset because I would have liked to have some say in choosing the holiday myself. I love looking through brochures, choosing where to go and counting down the weeks until we leave and I feel a bit like he’s taken that away from me (very childish I know, but it’s how I feel)
I know some people will say I’m being ungrateful and maybe I am, but I suppose I’m pissed off because its just another example of him making a bloody great decision without discussing it with me and just expecting me to put up with it. (It's not that long since we had a big discussion about him doing this and I thought we'd got somewhere but obviously not. It's like he thinks my opinion doesn’t matter ) And it feels like he’s done all the fun bits on his own and just left me to think about the practical stuff as usual Plus it might have been nice to have the fun of telling the DCs together. Now he's SuperDad and I get no credit (again very, very childish I know)

I’m trying to explain some of this to him but I’m one of those people who, when I get angry and frustrated, I end up in tears It’s pretty hard to sound sane and reasonable when your voice cracks into a sob every time you try and say something!

Am I right for feeling like this? He just can’t understand why I’m upset and I feel guilty for being so angry when he really was trying to do a nice thing I'm just sick of always feeling like the miserable one who puts a dampener on everything. I don't want to always have to think about the practical side but somebody has to! How do I get through to him??

From OPs initial post:-
"Previously we have always had at least 1 holiday abroad a year. With the (unplanned) arrival of 2 babies things are obviously a bit tighter money wise. So we agreed we would not go abroad this year but would do days out and maybe a long wknd somewhere for ‘holidays".

All this holiday will mean for the OP is more work in a warmer climate.

I also doubt very much if the tickets can be altered because he has likely purchased (non flexible) economy tickets. Therefore no changes are permitted.

Honestly, do people not understand what a holiday is?

A holiday is not simply leaving home. It implies the opportunity to relax, have fun, see some sights.

The OP did NOT get a holiday, she got a sleep-deprived weekend with the same amount of work, if not more, than she would have at home.

I moved to the Middle East with three kids under two, and they weren't twins. We all slept the next day then we got out in the sunshine and had a blast.

No longer in the Middle East but I regularly travel on a two am ferry with my bunch and we get over it.

If op has issues with her husband then I hope they work them out.

I also hope she has a fab time in her holiday.

She will survive I'm sure and enjoy herself despite her reservations.

The arrival time thing on its own would piss me off. 'Oh we can go for brunch or something.' Does he have a brain? Has he thought for a second about the logistics of this with kids and luggage?

A nice surprise would be a break booked for the OP and DH with childcare sorted. This sounds to me very much as though it'll be a week in a villa with the OP cooking and cleaning.

I agree with Kay: 'I would write out a list of everything that needs to be done between now and the holiday, (laundry, packing, passports, transport to airport/to villa, etc), at the villa itself (food shops, cooking, cleaning), and then give him the list.

If this is a holiday he wants to organise for his family, then let him organise it.'

Wonder how excited he'll be about it then?

I think that he told you in front of the children because that way you had to supress your feelings and pretend that you are happy. That is manipulating.
He knew that you will not be happy.

Not only he did someting that you dont like but you have to thank him aswell. Because it was.....a surprise!!

Wow, lots of bitter people here.

"The thought that counts" springs to mind as he obviously did something that he thought would be a nice thing and unfortunately didn't go into the details. He even used some inherited money to fund it. Personally, I think you should give him a break, make sure he does help during the holiday and have a good time.

kaykayblue: And breath.

OP, I know this isn't AIBU, but YANBU.

It doesn't sounds like he respects you, or even cares very much what you think.

He sat on these holiday plans for a month because he knew you would be angry that he had not consulted you once again. Telling you in front of the children was a shitty thing to do.

I agree with PPs that what he learnt from Puppygate was to present these unilateral decisions as a fait accompli in future, which is what he has done with this holiday.

Definitely leave him to deal with the details, packing etc. Not having all the right clothes etc for a week or two won't harm your DCs. He is in charge of washing up/clothes washing etc (especially if no dishwasher or washing machine), as well as planning family friendly activities and dealing with overtired and overexcited small children.

I think you could actually see this as an opportunity to demonstrate the consequences of his decisions.

You don't have to be grateful to him.

My husband and I travelled to the other side of the world when our kids were tiny. We had three under two and we just got on with it.

noneed - and your husband made that decision to move unilaterally, did he? He didn't consult you, his partner, on any of the details, of how and when, and where? It was presented to you as a fait accompli and you just sucked it up and smiled, and felt grateful, did you?

Nope. Thought not.

The level of assumption never ceases to amaze me - How do you know he wont help out?

I am going for a brief S-C break with MrsPC this Saturday. I booked it and arranged everything - MrsPC was quite happy in that regard as it was one less thing for her to worry about (she was decorating Kitchen and Dining Room and putting-up UPVC soffits/facias). She knows I will do the packing also, that I will drive at 2am to the airport and will do at least 50% of any S-C we choose to do.

As for all the comments about logistics, what planet are you on? This is completely trivial, parents have been doing this for decades and more, often without the luxury of a plane-trip, what makes you lot so entitled?

foolishpeach: So what you are saying is take something that isn't ideal and guarantee to make it a failure and have a miserable time. Just so that there is the possibility of saying "told you so".

Rather than chastise the husband for making a unilateral decision, then get on with it as a team to show him how that should be done and make sure a good time is had by their children.

He does not deserve any sort of break here; his decision should come back to bite him hard on his bum.

This man went back on the whole idea not to go on holiday this year due to finances. His wife was not consulted on any aspect of this holiday prior to him booking this as a "surprise".

The OP only found out about this surprise holiday when he decided to tell all his family. It was presented to them as a done deal; his children were excited to be told that yes they are going on holiday after all. OP likely felt as if she could not raise any objections.

His underlying impulsive nature and thus thoughtlessness is really starting to hurt his family here but he is too stupid and or unwilling to see that for his own self. Who in their right mind books a 1am flight departure for a villa with four children in tow?. He has not thought of his children either in all this.

There is no cast iron guarantee of him actually stepping up to the plate here when they are abroad. If there are problems he will likely leave it to OP to carry the can.

This is going to end up being more work for the OP overall. I can see him being Disney Dad to their elder two whilst leaving his wife in sole charge of the twins.

No, noneed it was a terrible thing to use a mother dying to make your point.

I honestly think some people see the word 'holiday' and their brain leaves the building. There doesn't seem to be a lot of thinking going on

Op, you need to go and make it work FOR YOURSELF AND THE DC. But not for him. Not one little bit.

Sadly though, that might make it quite an expensive lesson for him to learn, but you REALLY need to make a point here. (And keep a track of what it costs to sort out this mess of a holiday, so show him what it COSTS to not think things through.)

Pack enough emergency food supplies for the DC to go with you for a couple of days, and then leave it up to HIM to do the food shopping.

Tell him it is YOUR treat, and that you are NOT cooking meals, cleaning up, anything like that. If you had a choice you would have stayed somewhere that was catered for and there's no damn way you are going to do the catering. He wants to treat you, then he can treat you. And that involves making sure everyone is fed, and the place is kept clean. He took the choice away from you so he can fix it.

Are you 6 month old twins crawling yet though? I'd have assumed that they weren't and they would be ok without stair gates, and your 5 year old should be ok without them too.

Get HIM to push the buggy around, if he finds it difficult, then he can carry one of the twins while he pushes a single buggy around, while you hold the hands of your other daughter.

Have a think about what the DC would like to keep them amused.

If you have an IPad get HIM to download some programs before you go. Or take some DVDs with you and a laptop in case you can't play them on a dvd in the house. Get the DC to think of some toys they'd like to take, and leave your DH to sort it. If he doesn't, then he will have to go and buy some stuff there.

Is there a pool there? Because THAT will be the trickiest bit of all, if there is. Do your DD's know how to swim?

Enjoy it for your sake and the DCs, but feel absolutely no obligation to make sure he enjoys it. It's time he learned the consequences of ill thought out plans. Stop picking up the pieces for him.

As for all the comments about logistics, what planet are you on? This is completely trivial, parents have been doing this for decades and more, often without the luxury of a plane-trip, what makes you lot so entitled?

I'm afraid I agree with this. carting a bit of luggage around for a while is hardly the end of the world.

He did this solely to prove that once again he is making himself look good in front of his family.

He did learn from Puppygate; to act in a different manner next time around and he has certainly done that here. As for being a team, they are not a team. He acts solely for his own self interest. She is supposed to be going along blithely with his bidding, he probably is very surprised that she has raised any objections at all.

No one is assuming he won't help out, the OP herself said she will be stuck doing all the work unless she really puts her foot down.

• PhallChops Tue 08-Jul-14 10:07:29

The level of assumption never ceases to amaze me - How do you know he wont help out?

I am going for a brief S-C break with MrsPC this Saturday. I booked it and arranged everything - MrsPC was quite happy in that regard as it was one less thing for her to worry about (she was decorating Kitchen and Dining Room and putting-up UPVC soffits/facias). She knows I will do the packing also, that I will drive at 2am to the airport and will do at least 50% of any S-C we choose to do.*

Yes it does and can work but only because you and wife (same as dh and me) work together as a team when we go away and at home. But unfortunatly the OP husband only wants to be a 'disney dad' and has form for doing nothing with the day to day things with the children. AS the OP has said they have 4 children and he has never changed a nappy so I think we can assume he has done very little of actual childcare.

OP I do think you should go and make it the best holiday for you and your children but I do think you need to insist that DH does his fair share of both childcare and day to day chores while away. I would say I hope he will learn from this but I don't think he will.

I know someone that had to say goodbye to her children just two years ago from her bed in a hospice.

Fucking hell has it come to this - put up and shut up with EVERYTHING your H/P throws at you because you could be dead?

Holy cow - that comment is the lowest of the low. Noneedtoworryatall you should really check yourself!

"I'm afraid I agree with this. carting a bit of luggage around for a while is hardly the end of the world".

The luggage will soon be dropped off at check in; that's the easy bit. The "fun" starts before arrival and after that whole process. Its bad enough going through security at the best of times, let alone late at night with four children and associated hand baggage. Most facilities at that time will be closed or are in the process of closing. I doubt very much that any of this has actually occurred to him.

Carting around a week's worth of luggage, a double buggy and two other young children for 7-8 hours in a strange and hot place after zero sleep the night before -- gee, no problem at all!

Obviously you can do it if you have to, but the key element here is if you have to. If the OP had been involved in the planning, or the husband had shown any thought at all, they wouldn't have to.

I'm not a princess, I have been through far worse than this travelling, but I would still not be happy to do this when it could have been easily avoided. I don't understand having such low expectations for travel, not when it costs so bloody much.

I think it's very sad that you got given some family treat money and didn't get to do the whole planning how to spend it thing together as a couple.

Aren't people fascinating?

Some of us love being surprised, some of us like to be consulted.

Most people understand what type their spouse is, especially when a recent discussion was had on the matter.

Firstly OP I don't think YABU but I don't think that refusing to go will work in your favour, though I'd be sorely tempted to send him off with your two oldest.

Your husband told you with the kids to control your reaction and to ensure that you would be the bad cop if there was an issue.

The flight times are a pain but provided that you can actually get into the villa on arrival and don't have to wait until lunchtime they are surmountable. The kids will get a bad nights sleep but they'll cope and with any luck have an early night the next day.

Funds are tight so eating out at every meal is unlikely to be possible or even desirable. I've done a holiday with a 6mo and if you can get them to have a lunchtime nap, then a quick light lunch at 12 for everyone is essential so you can actually sit around and do nothing for 2 hours while they snooze. The absolutely last thing you want to do is to spoon puree into them, get them into bed, then make lunch for the family, eat and clean up just in time to have the babies wake up for the afternoon. Been there and bought the t-shirt. It was no holiday at all.

So I'd suggest that you sit down and work out what sort of division of labour/daily routine is required to ensure that you both get some downtime on the holiday, a fair share of time with babies and older children and all the rest. Bonus lie-in's/breaks for you if you are also still doing overnight feeds.

Then I'd present that as FAIT ACCOMPLI. Your consent to travel is based on his full and unconditional agreement to pull his weight, or pay for a holiday housekeeper and cook.

If he sticks to that - I don't think he'll ever book a self catering holiday without discussion again.

Phallchops - 2 things.

1. "nasty shallow and ungrateful clearly implies you are talking about the OP as she is the one landed with this "holiday" in which she had no say.
2. do you have 6month old twins? No? then you really don't have a clue, do you.

OP asks her husband not to do something. She has explained how stressed and upset it makes her and how much harder her life will be.

OP's husband promises never to do it again. But he does. However this time he puts a bow around it and expects smiles, kudos and gratitude sex.

It's not really about the holiday.