DH has done something lovely but I am furious with him about it. Can you help me articulate why???

[TeaFor6]

Brief background is we have been married 9 years, mostly very happy. 4DC DC aged 8, 5 and 6month old twins.

Previously we have always had at least 1 holiday abroad a year. With the (unplanned) arrival of 2 babies things are obviously a bit tighter money wise. So we agreed we would not go abroad this year but would do days out and maybe a long wknd somewhere for ‘holidays’. I can’t lie- I was a tiny bit disappointed about not going abroad. I know it’s a bit of a first world problem but I do look forward to getting away. But I didn’t make any kind of fuss about it and I am excited for what we do have planned.

Anyway, this morning DH sits me and DDs down and announces he has booked a ‘surprise’ holiday abroad. Due to fly in 3 weeks! He booked it over a month ago. I could just about get over him booking it without telling me but I am livid that he chose to tell me at the same time as the DC’s. I am NOT a bloody child. We are supposed to be equals, partners who make decisions about these things together. Surely I’m not wrong on this???

I KNOW he was trying to do a nice thing for me but I just feel so undermined and patronised! And he just doesn’t think things through. He’s booked us a villa. So has he thought about if its in a practical location i.e. easy to push a double buggy around? Close to restaurants/supermarkets? (self-catering of course, so will he be doing all the cooking/washing up? I doubt it) Are there things for the girls to do? Is the house practical with 2 young babies? No. He hasn’t thought about any of that. Nor the inconvenient flight times (fly out at 1am). Plus I will now have to cancel appointments for that week, and a party invite for DD1 that she had already accepted.

On the less practical side I’m upset because I would have liked to have some say in choosing the holiday myself. I love looking through brochures, choosing where to go and counting down the weeks until we leave and I feel a bit like he’s taken that away from me (very childish I know, but it’s how I feel)
I know some people will say I’m being ungrateful and maybe I am, but I suppose I’m pissed off because its just another example of him making a bloody great decision without discussing it with me and just expecting me to put up with it. (It's not that long since we had a big discussion about him doing this and I thought we'd got somewhere but obviously not. It's like he thinks my opinion doesn’t matter ) And it feels like he’s done all the fun bits on his own and just left me to think about the practical stuff as usual Plus it might have been nice to have the fun of telling the DCs together. Now he's SuperDad and I get no credit (again very, very childish I know)

I’m trying to explain some of this to him but I’m one of those people who, when I get angry and frustrated, I end up in tears It’s pretty hard to sound sane and reasonable when your voice cracks into a sob every time you try and say something!

Am I right for feeling like this? He just can’t understand why I’m upset and I feel guilty for being so angry when he really was trying to do a nice thing I'm just sick of always feeling like the miserable one who puts a dampener on everything. I don't want to always have to think about the practical side but somebody has to! How do I get through to him??

Phall seems to have forgotten that women are autonomous adults who are as real and hhuman as men are, and who don't appreciate being treated like older children by other adults. And my DH has read the thread and says the OP's OH is a massive tool and she should refuse to go. Thank god some men are mature, thoughtful, responsible and realise that women are their equals.

If all the guys in this world read this thread, what little romanticism we might have collectively would be extinguished.

To be replaced by actual thought and care? Excellent!

Could you perhaps work together to find some solutions to the trickier awful bits.

So, double check the check-in time, call the company about a paid for early check-in or booking the villa the night before. Or paying a subsidy for an earlier flight.

Likewise check the checkout time and flight transfers and get that sorted in some way.

In terms of the babies, 6mo is a right pain of an age for milk, food, sleeps etc. Can you treat yourself to a tonne of Ella's whatsit packet baby foods, work out the weight, check the luggage allowance and see if you need extra before departure.

What else? Airline's policy on prams? Size of hire car and boot? Night temps so you know what to take for the DTs to sleep in?

I would be going with making the best of an annoying situation and drinking a lot of sangria or ouzo on arrival, I think.

Lumineer - You have it spot on. Two wrongs don't make a right and you have suggested a much more mature, thoughtful and responsible way to resolve the issue.

I can't believe the amount of people that are saying don't go, leave him to look after kids, tell him you won't go etc.

I sometimes wonder if a poster who is responding to a thread would really take their own advice.

Your husband tried to do something nice for you, most of the posters inc yourself op think he failed.

I think you sound a little but spoilt to be honest and if I'm honest a little childish.

Can't you work together to try and resolve done of the issues this holiday is causing I.e late flare.

My husband and I travelled to the other side of the world when our kids were tiny. We had three under two and we just got on with it.

Sp mistakes galore there, but you know what I mean

My DP never books big things/sorts stuff out on the grounds that I am a control freak and would get things wrong- I think he has to learn to get things right. However I can see his point. If your DH had told you he had the money for a holiday and wanted to find something would you have let him do it- or would you have micromanaged every decision and then complained about the work? I know you said he treats you as a child but you don't trust him to make any decisions on his own either

Why is she spoilt? why is she childish?

Her DH was given money from his mummy and daddy, he got on the internet (for 20 mins?) and chose something he fancied and she's meant to be overwhelmed and full of gratitude?

I really can't get over the fact that people find that 'romantic'.

Women are meant to swoon in excessive gratitude at anything menz do, innit. We're not equal adults, we're lickle gurlies, hoping Daddy will bring us home a dolly from his trip.

Noneedtoworryatall et al - if you asked your partner to not put sugar in your tea, but but your partner repeatedly put sugar in your tea, how would you feel?

If you had explained at length that you didn't want sugar in your tea but he kept putting it in anyway, how do you think you would stop him? Asking hadn't worked. Your partner keeps explaining that they know you like sweet stuff, you've eaten chocolate, and here is another cup of tea with sugar. How would you feel?

Perhaps your partner stops putting the sugar in for a week or two, but then it starts getting added again here and there. Your partner thought you had got over it, besides you are still eating sweet things.

Now imagine that every time that sugar is added you have something bad happen to you, like trying to get a 1am flight with young twins, but your partner doesn't understand why you are upset, because sweet is good, right? They are upset that you are not grateful and happy for the sugar that you have asked them not to put in.

Does the above help to clarify the point of view of those who would be upset and not see it as a lovely, romantic gesture.

The OP said she was going. That's not the issue.

The issue is the OP's husband continuing to treat her as if she was a child. It is an ongoing issue - it's not about the actual holiday.

I think SGB nailed it. He has learned from puppygate, he's learned to make things fait accompli.

Don't go, OP. I've been to bloody Kabul and you could not make me go on this trip, not with this setup. Holidays are supposed to be fun or what's the point?

Well in the ops opening post her first complaint was that she liked to look through brochures herself etc. I think that's the problem, she wanted to be included in that.
Fair enough the flight times are a pain in the arse but it's not the end of the world. Is not as if he is sending her off on her own with the children is it. He will feel the stress also.

If I was in her shoes I would just get on with it.

They normally go on holiday, he got some money so he booked a holiday. It was a lovely thought, might not be where op would have booked but so what, she is still getting a lovely holiday and time away with her family.

I'm shocked at the amount if posters that are saying he was in the wrong.

But phallchops, don't you see that lumineer's response is exactly what people are tearing their hair out about - OP, who already has her hands full with 4DCs including 6mo twins, is faced with a load of extra work sorting out the practicalities for this holiday THAT SHE HAD NO SAY IN!

Now, if her DH had said 'I've booked this holiday, I know the details aren't perfect but I'm going to take care of all the practicalities so you can have a holiday too' - the reaction would be totally different.

In my case, my DH surprising me was motivated purely from wanting to make me happy and he simply didn't understand why I was upset about things like that until I explained.

If people suspect their husbands are motivated by anything other than kindness then a serious rethink of the marriage is required.

live a little, you just sound ungrateful

Op's dh should be buying the Ella's and sorting out flights/villas NOT her. He created the shambles now he needs to act like an actual adult and sort it out.

I hope op and her family have a lovely time. If her husband is treating her like a child then holiday might be a starting point for them to resolve this. But to just not go would be silly IMO.

I know someone that had to say goodbye to her children just two years ago from her bed in a hospice.

Op is lucky in a sense and if her husband is a reasonable man hopefully he will listen to her concerns and they will find a way forward.

Hundreds of replies advising her not to go. Hmmm I'm not sure that all those posters would take their own advice.

It's very easy to sit behind your screen and bash out a few lines from your keyboard isn't it. I suspect the reality would be quite different.

A lot if the posters on here have a mumsnet mindset. Sometimes I wonder about mumsnet and the advice that has been given.

OP
Are you seriously complaining someone has bought you a holiday?
If I were him, I would be insisting you stay at home. In fact, I would use this as grounds to leave you -take the kids on holiday and be with people that appreciate the effort I put in to the family.
Stop being so bloody selfish and accept it in the good faith it has been delivered. It is you that has serious making up to do.
Carry on this way, good luck being single.
Jesus!

Oh FGS can we please not pull the dying mum out of the bag? Please? Suck up all sorts of thoughtless shit because think yourself lucky, you could be dying

Good grief

She complained when someone bought her a puppy too!

Ungrateful mare.

She should bow down to her thoughtful husband who once again has put her first and has taken so much care in getting the money together and choosing somewhere she can have a really good relaxing time.

If anyone gave me a ticket to a forrign country, no matter where, when, with whom, I would suck their dick. Fact.

Oddfadd. That was a terrible thing to say.

My goodness.

I'm only saying how fortunate she is that she is going on holiday and that she should look at the bigger picture.

She wanted a holiday, she got a holiday. I think she is more pussed off that she didn't get to pick the destination as it seems she always does.

Had she found her dream holiday, I doubt a one am flight would have out her off.

The practicalities of the flight can be worked out can't they.

She sounds like she has thrown her toys out of the pram in a huff.

Are some posters being deliberately obtuse here by calling OP ungrateful and selfish?. The person who has been selfish here is the OPs H who has acted impulsively yet again. I would agree with SGB; this man learnt from Puppygate, he has presented this holiday as a fait accompli to the OP.

OP has had no say at all in this holiday; that impulsive decision was made solely by him. He has picked accommodation and flight times that do not fit in with the family but solely with him. Would any of you like to travel with 4 children at 1am, I do not see many takers. Regarding the possibility of waiting some considerable time before having access to the villa his sole suggestion to date has been to find somewhere that serves brunch. Well good luck with that.

I absolutely would not go.

I agree, life's too short -- too short to waste a long weekend doing this ridiculous trip.

Far better to stay home with my scrumptious twins and have a lot of lovely snuggles. Dad can take the older girls and they can have loads of fun. Sounds like a good deal to me.

And no, I'm not bitter, ungrateful or a hag. I'm happily married, we travel a lot and life is good. That's why I'm so appalled on the OP's behalf, because all of this is unnecessary. She should be grateful? Talk about low expectations.

I find it hilarious how many people on here are calling the OP "ungrateful" or "spoiled".

Are you on drugs? The OP is supposed to be grateful that she gets to cart around four children including baby twins at ONE AM, to a completely inappropriate holiday where she is going to be expected to do exactly the same chores as at home?? (cooking, cleaning, looking after the kids)

Exactly what is there to be grateful about that?!!

I understand that the husband may have been trying to give her a nice surprise, but if he can't understand how utterly stupid this idea was, then he is an utter cretin. When you give a surprise to someone you are taking a gamble. They are not obligated to swoon at your feet and piss themselves in gratitude. That's what might happen if you don't fuck it up.

Is he going to help with the packing? With the arranging of travel documents? With the food shopping? The cooking?? The cancelling of confirmed plans for that week which are now fucked?

It's like he lives in a fantasy world where all the work gets done by elves. He severely fucked this one up - he could have still surprised her by asking her casually in a few conversations "hey let's imagine that we were going on holiday - where would be your dream holiday?" and then use that information to figure out what sort of holiday to book. He could have done about a million things to ensure he got the OP's views on what she would like from a holiday, and to incorporate them into his planning.

But he didn't, because he doesn't give a fuck about whether she has a nice holiday or not.