So my miserable STBXH is now my good mate - Wtf?

[Handywoman]

He was miserable and angry, bit of a crap dad, quite controlling (am still realising this) and I feel he never actually loved me. So I finally kick the f*cker out and he leaves, nothing to say, no closure...

So now he behaves like a good mate, all cheery, considerate, commenting on the small stuff like a frien, like he um likes me. I have a lot of hurt, not least the way he responded (ie not) to bring kicked out. I want to poke him in the eye (well worse than that).

WTF is that about? Friends? Is making me mad with rage! How can he be like this?

Wtf?

Anyone?

So I finally kick f£@ker out and he leaves, nothing to say, no closure

i have a lot of hurt not least to the way he responded (ie not) to being kicked out

Being not happy about the way he reacted after you kicked him out sounds like it's just ego.
Things would have been worse had he made things difficult or started playing with your emotions by promising to change, etc.

By the time you kicked him out he was probably years ahead of you emotionally. To him the relationship was over years ago, he had moved on, hence why it's easy for him to be 'nice' to you.

Now, you don't love him and you will never get back with him.
Pity the next woman he gets with.
Don't waste your mental energy questioning why he is being nice.
My point is his niceness doesn't matter, it's just a bonus.

It's not a "bonus" at all unless she is supposed to be grateful for it. It is false, manipulative and headfucking in the context of his behaviour when they were together. You are getting close to blaming the OP for not being able to get past that, arsenal, and that is not cool.

Ego? Seriously? For not wanting him to be manipulative and expecting her to cater to his moods still?

Yes, let's blame the OP for not being cooperative while he's doing that headfuck. After all, it's just a bonus.

I deal with it by being consistently neutral and minimal with XP. Work that detachment.

Of course I often find myself inclined to do more than this, but most times I manage to check myself and stop myself. I'm getting much better at is. And it works for me.

All the 'ego' and 'bonus' shizzle is very wide of the mark. I feel emotionally damaged by this man. And turning it round on my own attitude feels like a continuation of the abuse. The last thing I want is for him to 'promise to change', that idea repulses me. But I just can't be amicable with someone who has zero empathy or consideration for my feelings, I told him very clearly how hurt and alone I felt, he hasn't said a single thing in response to what I've said. Now professes to be my friend.

I texted him to offer to help facilitate dd1's rehearsal. Now met with stony silence.

Every fucking thing just seems on his terms.

I'm not blaming you at all.
Whether you brought the worst in each other or he was abusive or he has changed, he doesn't matter anymore.
You don't love him, you would never get back with him, Why stress yourself about him.
You will build yourself on your own, he won't be there to bring you down.

Whether you like it or not, being amicable is better for your daughter.
Take it as a bonus because it will probably not last.

I recognise a lot of this as I still get loads of shit from my ex five years on. You posted that you had texted him about this show and offered to get tickets (I think, that's how I read it). Stop all that stuff right now!

He can find out about school and other activities himself. Don't do any more wife work for him. If you're thinking that you're doing it for your kids' benefit, don't. It's sending them mixed messages - that their dad is interested and makes an effort. Sadly that's not the case.

How old are your kids? Mine drops DD (9) at my gate and I haven't physically seen him since December. And I agree that you have to organise your life as if he's not in the picture, even if that means you have to slow down your career and social life for a bit. I know it's not fair, but we have to suck it up sometimes.

I agree with PPs about not being smiley and cheerful. Why the fuck should you? Focus on you and your kids when you have to come into contact with him. Zero tolerance and minimal exposure has been the best way for me.

I just had a contact visit with stbx and the dcs. I have to be there to supervise due to his history of abuse. It was an hour long exercise in him being overly cheerful, trying to get me to "chat" with him, and me shutting down the conversation and directing him back to the dcs over and over.

At least now I don't have to deal with it again for 2 weeks.

Handywoman, you are a survivor of emotional abuse. You are in the process of healing, but, imho, healing is difficult, impossible, when you are still being exposed to the toxin (for lack of a better word). I agree with AF and Alice and others who are saying to disengage totally.

The dynamics are about the dc. The dynamics are nothing between you and him, so refuse to listen to the chattering act, don't make eye contact, wear earbuds. Say your goodbyes to the dc before he arrives so the hand over is as simple an action as possible. Any schedule alerts should be handled by email...so no 'in the moment' interaction with him.

These suggestions, and there are probably better ones out there, are for you to set a boundary (or lots of boundaries) so you can heal. I am glad you are getting counselling.

Well, I also agree with letting him find out about the dcs events. Is there a protocol for the dc letting him know he needs to do the rehearsal run?

There's no protocol for anything (tried to get him to do online shared calender, he's just not interested, even when I e-mail or text re stuff he forgets). I totally appreciate I messed up giving him no notice, I forgot a rehearsal myself a few weeks ago, so much stuff going on in my relentless work/kids juggle yada yada. But I though it wouldn't be unreasonable for him to stop and consider how it could be facilitated. And it easily could. It just feels so un necessary that he cant think of it from dd1's POV. He's happy to buy a ticket to watch her perform and be proud of her but clearly won't put himself out in any way to facilitate her rehearsals. This is a metaphor for his entire parenting strategy.

I have got a lot of stuff to change, drop offs, work and childcare arrangements, stopping with the wifework. A lot. I can see that.

I think you're right about the metaphor for his whole parenting strategy. He won't, it seems, think about anything from another person's point of view - not even his daughter's. This is why he won't do the shared calendar and 'forgets' the information you send him.

He will always subtly ensure he calls the shots and that you are left hanging, waiting to hear his response. Meanwhile, he smiles sweetly and does his Great Guy act.

There's no simple answer, but minimising contact, and no facilitating, looks like the only option to cope with this.

ARsenal is missing the point, sometimes being 'nice' isn't being nice. It's a resolute determination NOT to pick up on another person's awkwardness, unhappiness, distress..............

A Nice person that takes pride in being Nice can see take more than they give, be unfamiliar with compromise (but because they won't discuss it properly, there's no chink in their niceness).

Sometimes more dominant more powerful peoples' niceness can feel like a line up tanks coming for you. The tanks are just painted pink.

Went to pub with my bestie last night. She is gonna help with child care and go 'on call' for me when I am on call. And I am going to inform him that drop offs will be conducted with no face to face contact and he is not to cross the threshold of my garden gate. I will ask my friends if they can drop the kids to him for contact. This morning he informed me that dd1 is coughing up phlegm therefore can't go to rehearsal. Prob a grain of truth but 99% erring on the side of making his own life easier.

Some good ideas there, HW

Lean on your friends, you need them right now and I bet they will be glad to help

good work handywoman

Kids just been dropped back, another friend popped over to deflect the dynamic. I remained disengaged. She lives v close and has also offered to be a handover agent.

Feels like I can fight this (phew)

Good on you, Handywoman

Onward and upward !

Am looking forward to writing an email this week detailing the new terms of handovers. Plus no contact due for two weeks (bliss).

I texted him to offer to help facilitate dd1's rehearsal.
^^ these are the texts and the offers you need to stop making. Catch yourself and stop yourself. YOU are being a reasonable accommodating thoughtful person, wanting to help your DD etc. HE is not and he will use it as a way to fuck with you.

Good luck with that email - I would keep it short, sweet and factual. You aren't looking to negotiate or argue with him.

Slight spanner in works. dd2 got referred into hosp today by GP (has abscess). Been there all day. But managed to keep him away and occupied with dd1 while I relied on friends for support. Will have to see him tomorrow as dd2 is having incision and drainage under GA. It will be stressful as dd2 has massive anxiety issues (has ASD) so will be stony faced and focus entirely on dd.

Deep breath........

I hope your dd gets on well at the hospital, Handywoman.
Stressful times :(

good luck

ok so, massively stressful day, we got through it, dd2 op was stressful but she is fine. When stbxh showed up all I could think was YOU ARE NOT REAL, IT'S ALL A DISPLAY. He told me an anecdote about a family member. He was very keen to recount it and clearly found it hilarious. I was stony faced throughout. I genuinely didn't find it particularly funny. All I could think of was YOU ARE NOT REAL. DOES NOT COMPUTE. He is turning into a real Disney Dad. dd2 went with him for the evening until bed time, when he had the utter ball-breaking cheek after 48hrs with a stressed kid with ASD, several panic attacks, 8 doctors, blood phobia and anaesthetic recovery........... to say he was tired could I collect her!!! I said 'no, please drive her back home' go me!!!!!! He's got nothing from me all day. And I have just unfriended him on fb.

Even on a difficult day I have done well methinks

Am even rewarding myself with one of these

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