So my miserable STBXH is now my good mate - Wtf?

[Handywoman]

He was miserable and angry, bit of a crap dad, quite controlling (am still realising this) and I feel he never actually loved me. So I finally kick the f*cker out and he leaves, nothing to say, no closure...

So now he behaves like a good mate, all cheery, considerate, commenting on the small stuff like a frien, like he um likes me. I have a lot of hurt, not least the way he responded (ie not) to bring kicked out. I want to poke him in the eye (well worse than that).

WTF is that about? Friends? Is making me mad with rage! How can he be like this?

Wtf?

Anyone?

[KouignAmann]

My controlling bully XH does this too. Smily Mr Nice Guy. Bleah

I vowed never ever to get in a car with him again after he made life hell all the way back home from North to South. And he is SO surprised that I don't want to share a car, when he is SO friendly and reasonable.

I don't forget what you did to me arsehole! We both know it happened and crocodile smiling doesn't work on me. So stop looking pained and hurt when you know full well why I won't let it go

[RollerCola]

I understand this, my exh is like this too. Nice as pie now we're not together, texts me all the time, really stepped up to the mark with child concerns etc. Really chatty, tells me things about his life, his family & friends.

I nod & reply with fairly minimal detail, I smile and sound interested.

What I really want to do is poke him in the eyes and scream at him each time I see him because of all the shit he put me through.

He's trying to re-write history and make out he's actually a great bloke and we just 'grew apart' whereas I can confirm that this is NOT what caused our breakup. It was him being a complete twat for 10 years.

Just keep all contact to a minimum, don't linger when you do drop offs, don't rise to it. Distance yourself.

[Handywoman]

Thanks Kouig and Roller it is spineless, vile and infuriating isn't it. And yes, AF misogynist to boot.

Wanker.

[wyrdyBird]

I'm not sure, but maybe you are now seeing the 'Great Guy' Public Face? Now that you aren't his partner (and therefore the target).

Something similar happened to a friend of mine. It made her minimise the abuse, and blame herself - the 'we just weren't good together' thing. It was much, much worse than not good together though :(

Keeping your distance is the best thing. You aren't messed up - don't let him make you feel you are.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Could you try treating him like someone else's revolting, shitty-nappy-wearing, snotty-nosed but well-meaning toddler? IE be charming and smiley but massively condescending each time you see him?

[AdoraBell]

With you agreeing to wait 2 years for divorce he has everything to gain by being nice.

He plays nice, you "realise" that he really isn't that bad and maybe you we're being rash. I mean just look at how reasonable he is being now. Hey presto you don't go through with the divorce after all.

And he live's happily ever after.

Don't fall for it. You kicked him out for a reason.

[Jengnr]

Why not just divorce him for unreasonable behaviour if that's what you want to do? You don't have to wait.

The nice guy act might slip when he isn't getting what he wants too.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

That word 'civil' is interesting in this context. On the one had it means you don't hand your children over on the doorstep spitting like a wet cat.... but it doesn't mean you don't have to bend over backwards either. Is he reasonable about contact or does he try to change the arrangements very often? Does him being friendly translate into you agreeing to things against your better judgement?

[Walkacrossthesand]

I wouldn't be 'smiley' at handovers. Women smile too much to placate. Let him smile all he likes, you remain sober-faced and matter-of-fact - like a High Court judge or a policeman.

There is an important distinction between 'civilised' (based on Latin for 'citizen') and 'amicable' (based on Latin for 'friendship'). People would say to me 'isn't it good that you and ex are amicable' and I would reply that amicable we are not, he is no friend of mine - but we are civilised.

[Walkacrossthesand]

X-post with cog!

[GrannyOnTheSchoolRun]

Sometimes a thread is started and all becomes clear.

The replies are enough to make a person give up their counselling.

[Handywoman]

Re contact he is being reasonable, but I feel that could stop at any time (and I feel like I am on borrowed time waiting for him to get into another relationship). I work EOW plus on call 2-3 times per month. When the on call falls in the week he has to have them o'night. He basically has contact dictated by my work schedule. And because he makes very little effort with them (often sticks them on Xbox and falls asleep on sofa) he has complained of feeling like 'the babysitter' (which is pretty much how he felt about looking after his own kids when we were together). I feel like I have to keep things on an even keel because if he gets difficult re contact my career (which I love) is in jeapordy. It's like we are still married in that sense.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think you need to look at either alternative childcare or a different role within your chosen field that has a more parent-friendly schedule. Shared parenting works well for some people but, once you're in a situation where you are reliant on a bully, the obligation puts you in a weak position that can be easily abused. It wouldn't take much for him to put you in the cart and, in the meantime, you're having to plaster on a smile. He knows that so it's another way for him to be in control.

[43percentburnt]

I agree with cog. My life improved when I didn't need any childcare help. He is now irrelevant to my life. I rarely speak to him. While he had dd 50% of the time he would be abusive when I saw him, turn up late etc. It made our life a nightmare. I was constantly anxious, dd was scared she would be late for school. Now I have dd 98% of the time. He acts all Disney and has no involvement in school, parties, health, problems etc. Life is so much easier. He is totally missing out but his choice.

[Rebecca2014]

To the outside world he wants to portray this loving, cheerful man! now you are no longer together or his emotional punching bag you get to see the 'nice' guy.

[Greenrememberedhills]

I think it is also his way of telling himself he us a good guy.

Unpleasant.

[getthefeckouttahere]

Alternatively could it just be that he really is much happier now that he is out of your awful relationship?

From your OP it kinda sounds like you wanted him to be bereft at the end of your relationship, he wasn't and now appears happy with how things have worked out. This pisses you off.

If it bothers you that much sort your arrangements so that you have very little to do with him and tell him that you don't want to hear chit chat about his personal life as him being nice and happy makes you so mad you want to assault him.:-/

As an aside my motto for the ex is 'friendly, not friends'

[SanityClause]

Have you got room in your house for an au pair? If your DC are old enough to be babysat by an Xbox, they are certainly old enough to be babysat by a lovely au pair.

That way, you don't have to rely on him at all. He can continue with his EOW, and weekday visits, of course, but not because he is doing you a favour in any way, but because that's what a father would want to do. And if he won't can't do the dates you need, then you have someone who can.

[BeCool]

My ES XP is the same. he keeps saying how great it is we can be friends.

What he doesn't get is:

• there is too much stuff that went on between us that HE refuses to even discuss for us to be friends;
  
• he still feels he can shout at me and call me names & I don't have friendships with people like that;
  
• I CBA with being his friend. He doesn't know the meaning of the word;
  
• All his "friends" are my friends. He doesn't seem to see this;
  
• he really has no idea what friendship involves;
  
• we are NOT friends.
  

(NB I am friends with some ex's without any problem - but they weren't EA arseholes)

I tried being "reasonable co-parent" with him but he still felt like he could shout at me, call me names & swear at me etc when it suited him. So now he only comes to my doorstep and I have minimal contact with him.

At the school fair recently he saw me talking to a man I have made (real) friends with recently (not romantic at all). I knew there would be a response from XP. Sure enough at midnight, I get a text from him saying how lovely it was to spend time with the DC and ME!! ME!! - first mention of me in a positive sense for 2 years. His jealousy/ego is floundering around not knowing what to do.

I suspect your STBXH wants to present to the world what a groovy, amenable, friendly guy he is - look at how he is such good friends with you.

But he won't have changed.

[Greatsnakes]

I'm so glad I read this thread! Throughout my marriage my DH has been miserable, moody and I feel like I'm constantly walking around on eggshells. To cut a long story short, 5 months ago I fell in love with a guy that I'm best of friend with and makes me happy. Having an affair was massively out of character for me... Long story short I came clean about the affair expecting us now to separate and he's totally turned on the charm- generous, happy, engaging... It's a total head fuck. I'm now under massive pressure to end my relationship with the other guy as he wants to prove how much he's changed. We previously split years ago when he left me after our 2nd SC was born (he had affair during my PG). We were separated for 2 years and in that time he again morphed into Prince Charming leading me to get back with him. So 3 years on we are back in the same story again

[Greatsnakes]

Whoops sorry for lack of paragraphs ... New phone

[triathlonmum]

SO much in here that I identify with too - some great advice. I wish I could poke my ex in the eye too (and worse) but can't due to getting on for kids. I totally see it is all about how he appears in front of others for him - he was so uncharacteristically 'nice' (i.e. civil) to me the other day someone asked if we were back together. NOOOOO CHANCE thank you very much.

[AnyFucker]

GS, then if you know how it would turn out if you stay with him, for God's sake don't make the same mistake again

[BeCool]

GS - why are you under massive pressure?

Tell your X, it's not going to happen, you've moved on and don't talk with him about it. You own him nothing and he is not the boss of you.

[Jamie1981]

Of course it could also simply be that you and he were not compatible, and being with you made him as unhappy as it made you.
Now that you are apart, maybe he feels comfortable with you. There doesn't need to be an agenda.
Maybe he was never a nasty controlling bloke, but the relationship made him that way.
In my professional career, i've seen lots of blokes like this. Controlling and abusive comes in different forms, from my "free with his fists" ex husband to people who just badly to being, as they see it, trapped.