So my miserable STBXH is now my good mate - Wtf?

[Handywoman]

He was miserable and angry, bit of a crap dad, quite controlling (am still realising this) and I feel he never actually loved me. So I finally kick the f*cker out and he leaves, nothing to say, no closure...

So now he behaves like a good mate, all cheery, considerate, commenting on the small stuff like a frien, like he um likes me. I have a lot of hurt, not least the way he responded (ie not) to bring kicked out. I want to poke him in the eye (well worse than that).

WTF is that about? Friends? Is making me mad with rage! How can he be like this?

Wtf?

Anyone?

[WaitingForMe]

Bollocks Jamie. A relationship doesn't make someone abusive, an abusive person always has a choice.

[ILoveCoreyHaim]

Me and my kids df are good friends, better as friends than a couple and were were a couple for 17 years. Both better off and happier being released from it tbh.

[Greatsnakes]

Becool I'm under massive pressure as my family want me to stay with my DH due to the effect on the DC. They say I should give him another chance as maybe this is the wake up call that he needed.

Sorry I don't mean to hi jack this thread but its a relief to read that other people behave like he is. My fear is that if I call things off with the OM, DH will revert back to type as he has done previously. Have fallen totally in love with OM in a way that I have never done before and I trust him 100%.

Also adding to the pressure is DS1 (7) who has overheard myself and DH talking about splitting up and is devastated.

So hard.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

This behaviour is my stbx as well (although he really is rather Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde like) - wanting to be "friends" after I made him leave due to abuse. It is definitely part of the Head Fuck.

[Handywoman]

Lots of maybes there Jamie. He treated someone he told he loved, with contempt. He knows this. Pretty weird to walk away from that, skip the apologies and be friends. That in itself is shitty behaviour. I wouldn't accept that from other people in life. Because we married and had kids and he was shit at it doesn't mean I should shrug it off.

[MoroMou]

I laughed at mid life crisis moustache. What an arse.

[arsenaltilidie]

It doesn't sound like you still love him, maybe being angry he didn't fight for the relationship is because of ego?

Would you go back with him if he was to beg?

Maybe you brought the worst in each other, chances are he made you miserable too, so don't try to question if it was you who made him miserable.

My point is if he wants to be friendly/civil then that's great for the children but at the end of the day he made you miserable.
He is the past now.

Organise childcare in case this 'friendliness' doesn't last.

[Handywoman]

Wouldn't get back with him ever ever ever, why would I get back with someone who verbally abused me and hated me and hated family life? That is not me, that is not ego, it is hurt and pain. This was not. 'Relationship' so nothing to fight for. Telling my eldest dd he was going to live elsewhere was the worst moment of my life, I won't risk doing that again. I refuse to show my children that it's ok that dads are miserable, complaining, controlling, angry, un-involved in family life and make no contribution to the upkeep of a house or the raising of children.

[Deathraystare]

Ahh but give it time. He will soon revert back to type when things don't suit him.

[Handywoman]

So I get a choice between sucking up his smiley friendship act or taking more abuse and flak? I feel trapped.

Yesterday (after week of sick dd2, crap sleep and 3 trips to GP... and counting...) I dropped the kids with him for the weekend (am working) I mentioned that dd1 has rehearsal Sunday (I had forgotten about this, I am exhausted with work/house renovation/dealing with kids and sickness, get v little actual time out). He basically said 'tough I made plans to go and see my dad' (all of this is fairly local). Rehearsal is for a performance I told him about, offered him a ticket for which he was very keen to come to. No consideration about how it could actually work. No compromise, no thinking of solutions.

It's all dead ends with him, no empathy for the kids, for how busy I am, no 'stepping up' to the mark. I just have to deal with whatever flavour of sh*t is coming my way.....

Am in counselling, the counsellor repeatedly implies I need to 'find a way to change it all'. Feels like ever decreasing circles.

Am particularly down about it all today. Feel depressed

[Maleducada]

I think this is an attempt to re-write the script and gaslight your memories. It invalidates (or tries to) your good reasons for ending the relationship. My x would do this, after an outburst he'd cheerily go and make a pot of tea and act like I was being spiky and pulling a bad atmosphere out of thin air if I didn't want his tea.

But in your shoes, if he keeps this up long enough it'll be really confusing and you could get sucked back in to the relationship and he'd be back under your roof and back to his old self in a relationship that met his needs but none of yours. It suited him. I'm sure he wants it back.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

Exactly. It's that "wearing you down" method - it worked while you were with him, I imagine (it did with me to a point), so he probably figures it'll work again. They do tend to overestimate their charm, I've found.

[Handywoman]

You know Alice that's exactly how I feel: worn down.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

Right there with you, Handywoman.

Stbx does the cheery bloke routine, instantly flips to Mr Nasty the moment someone doesn't agree with him, then instantly flips to Mr Cheery again when someone else approaches. He can turn on a dime, and expects everyone else to be pleasant when he says so. (my father was like this as well, and as a child growing up around it, it was so upsetting and confusing and made me feel like I wasn't allowed to express my own feelings - I could only feel what he told me I could feel)

And god help you if you're still trying to get past the Mr Nasty routine when he's decided he'll rewrite/gaslight and put on the Mr Cheery face - as it will be all. your. fault. no matter what.

[AnyFucker]

HW, is there anyone, anyone at all other than him that could help you out with all this stuff on your plate ?

[Maleducada]

can you get somebody to facilitate handovers for a while. I managed to draft in family to do the handovers. When I couldn't, I just had a friend with me. He would always behave more normally with a witness.

After a relationship like this it can be so hard to think about what you want, and whether or not to bring it about because your default position for years has to be to assume that everything, every single thing is an exhausting negotiation.

It took me a while to tune back in to what I wanted, as to begin with every decision was still (unknowingly) based on what would annoy him less or make him gloat less or whatever

[Maleducada]

yes, i agree with anyfucker, help from this quarter is no help. you know he's going to wait until you need him really badly, like when your two kids after doctor's apts and you have a job interview and then, at the moment he's been waiting for and leading up to he'll make his demands.

I agree with the counsellor. YOu may need to totally restructure your life to put yourself in a position where you do NOT need his help.

He is capitalising on your need for childcare. So remove the need for childcare. Two years out of the workplace could be a small price to pay for your freedom and your mental health. Without him sniffing around doing you a favour of minding his own children with conditions (oh wait) then you'd have space to recover.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

Handywoman I do think that, as difficult as it may be, you need to look at organising some childcare, even if it's just backup childcare for when he backs out. Then that's one less stress for you.

I found that if I organised everything as if I was a single mum, with no reliance whatsoever on stbx, then I didn't have to stress about how he could upset the apple cart on my schedule IYSWIM. It was very helpful when he quit his job and moved a few hours away with his OW. Unfortunately she has recently dumped him and he is back in the area.

I am also doing work on the house, but I've have to tone the schedule down. It's not worth getting things done sooner, if I'm too stressed or ill to enjoy it. Slow and steady is a good pace.

As far as your dc getting to a rehearsal, perhaps contact a few parents and see if you can make arrangements for her to get a lift on occasions when it's difficult for you. They may be quite happy to do so, or might be willing to do it if you give their child a life on another day that they are struggling with.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

It took me a while to tune back in to what I wanted, as to begin with every decision was still (unknowingly) based on what would annoy him less or make him gloat less or whatever

Thank you for posting that. I've just realised that I do still struggle with this. I think that I need to remember it.

[AnyFucker]

true, dat

[Anniegetyourgun]

My x would do this, after an outburst he'd cheerily go and make a pot of tea and act like I was being spiky and pulling a bad atmosphere out of thin air if I didn't want his tea.

Oh my word, how that brings back memories. I considered writing a dissertation on "Tea as an instrument of oppression". I mean, how can you complain when you are brought a lovely hot cup of tea with a smile? That's making amends, right? It's showing he really cares even if you've argued. Wouldn't it be churlish to refuse. (So churlish, that you have to drink the tea even if you've only just finished one and didn't fancy another, and furthermore you have to drink it while it's as hot as he likes it, not wait until it's cooled down to how you like it, or it's off on a major sulk and "don't ask me to do anything nice for you again". )

ps and he often made it in the cup he'd used last, without giving it more than a cursory rinse, so the rim tasted like old cigar smoke. But let's not be fussy eh.

[Handywoman]

Thanks everyone, I am listening to everything and taking it on board.

[Anniegetyourgun]

It doesn't sound like you still love him, maybe being angry he didn't fight for the relationship is because of ego?

Would you go back with him if he was to beg?

Fuck the fuck off with that shit!

[CookieDoughKid]

You can fake it and be smiley too!! You can be cheery every time you say good bye at the handover. Cheery that you got the fuck out of that relationship and cheery that you don't have to suffer in misery with him anymore! You got loads to be cheery about!!! Be sunny and your ex will forever regret you. Not that you really give a shit about what he thinks. Such a lovely day today!! Hint hint...

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

Cookie While what you say makes sense to some extent, I know that in my case, being cheery right back at him, makes him feel that he can push the boundaries further... sort of a "oh look, she's falling for this cheery routine, let's see how much further we can push..." and then he tells everyone "of course I wasn't abusive, would she be pleasant to me if I was abusive?" Not sure if the OP has that or not, of course.