So my miserable STBXH is now my good mate - Wtf?

[Handywoman]

He was miserable and angry, bit of a crap dad, quite controlling (am still realising this) and I feel he never actually loved me. So I finally kick the f*cker out and he leaves, nothing to say, no closure...

So now he behaves like a good mate, all cheery, considerate, commenting on the small stuff like a frien, like he um likes me. I have a lot of hurt, not least the way he responded (ie not) to bring kicked out. I want to poke him in the eye (well worse than that).

WTF is that about? Friends? Is making me mad with rage! How can he be like this?

Wtf?

Anyone?

[januarycat]

You Rock Handywoman

[wyrdyBird]

That's amazing! good on you Handywoman :)
Glad to hear your daughter is ok.

[AnyFucker]

ha !

[AdoraBell]

Well done, you are truly awesome.

Have another on me.

[BeCool]

He's got nothing from me all day. And I have just unfriended him on FB

Yay and go you Handywoman!!!
You've totally turned a massive corner here.
I hope your DD is recovering well.

[Handywoman]

Ok, so, in the spirit of no longer facilitating or doing the shitwork am wondering whether to tell the abusive ex about school play next week (both girls in play) I have ordered 1 ticket per night so don't actually have to see him if I do inform him re performance.

Your thoughts and guidance much appreciated.

[Handywoman]

Erm..... Shameless bump....

[Anniegetyourgun]

Does he have any way of finding out if you don't tell him? As (technically) co-parent he does have a right to know about this stuff but it's not particularly your job to keep him informed, unless it is fair enough that you are the link with the school at the moment (eg he doesn't have a new permanent address/email for them to send him stuff). If he's been told the same as you have, then it's his problem if he doesn't know about it.

Might be best to tell him and sell(!) him the spare ticket so you can be absolutely sure he won't turn up on the night you're there.

[Handywoman]

Thanks, Annie. School has one of those email systems where newsletters and diary dates get sent.

When we were married I tried to get the emails to go to him, for some reason it wouldn't go to his email address. He always maintained, quite sincerely, that he was delighted not to get the info because it meant he had no responsibility for anything.

He has had no disruption to email addresses or anything. I am guessing he still feels entitled to be spoonfed told about everything by me.

[Anniegetyourgun]

OK then, that's another thing you can put a stop to To be scrupulously fair, though, if you haven't already done so (I expect you have), do make absolutely sure he knows that you won't be passing it on and that correspondence between himself and the school is for him to arrange, or not, as he decides. You have resigned from the position of diary secretary.

He has a right to be sent certain information, but he does not have a right to dictate the manner in which he receives it. He doesn't have the right to say you have to tell him, any more than he has the right to demand that the school sends letters by liveried courier on a silver platter. He's opted out of the responsibility, he said - his choice, as an autonomous adult. Unfortunately that also means he misses out on any good stuff, assuming he actually gives a pair of fingers about his daughters' school play. (I'm sure he does, but - enough to take active steps to attend it?)

So, up to you really whether it pleases you to tell him or not

[wyrdyBird]

"He always maintained, quite sincerely, that he was delighted not to get the info because it meant he had no responsibility for anything. "

Well that's made his position abundantly clear...

Great advice from Annie. ^^ I'd agree that it's his job to keep himself informed, via the school or his children. It'll be difficult at first to stop facilitating him, not least because of the DC, but see what happens if you grit your teeth and keep going.

[Handywoman]

Right. I have decided to inform re this week school play. But made it clear this is the last time. After offering him choice of date for play, I continued:

'After this I will be facilitating re important dates (e.g name of dance school) only when they involve time on your weekends. Other important info re school etc. is your responsibility, you can speak to Anonymous Primary School and Anonymous Secondary School regarding getting set up to receive communications. I have given Anonymous Secondary School (dd1 starts Sept) your new postal address.
Hope the move goes ok.
Handywoman'

Whaddayathink? I am sweating and hyperventilating at the thought of his angry reaction....... He will think I am being 'petty' or 'spiteful' and will likely feel inconvenienced. I will now try not to feel anxious every time I check my email or read awful things into the length of time it takes for him to respond. So out of my comfort zone!!!!! Please reassure me I've done the right thing! Gulp!

[CharlotteCollins]

Brilliant, well done OP. It doesn't actually matter what he thinks, does it? You know that he thinks only of his own convenience, so whatever he may or may not say is not a judgement of what you did, just of how it affects him.

I wouldn't have told secondary school his address; I would've left that to him. But then I'm further down the line than you are - or possibly just more cold-hearted. :o

[Handywoman]

Thank you, I only told secondary school cos I'm in the process of filling in the essential info for starting school...

[Handywoman]

Thank you, I only told secondary school cos I'm in the process of filling in the essential info for starting school...

[Handywoman]

Oops double post

[CharlotteCollins]

In that case, I probably would have, too!

[wallypops]

I'm still reading this but I just wanted to mention there is an online calendar for divorced parents called 2houses - which is pretty easy to use and you could scan into it all the parental notices from school etc. The other person get an alert. You can also give people different rights. I've used it with my impossible ex and even he has accepted its use.

[Handywoman]

Tried the online shared calender option. He was not in the least bit interested.

[Pickledradish]

He wants you to run around like a headless chicken for him.

Let him take the responsibility for finding out for himself. Let it slide, let him find out for himself. Let him provide the school with address details, email address contact nos etc. just write " to be advised by father" on the form. He will have to be interested when he realizes the buck stops with him.

[AdoraBell]

What Pickled said plus stick to the shared online calendar.

When he complains that you didn't wipe his arse tell him about X point out that you updated the calendar , he knows, the one you use online to share details of DCs with him.

[Handywoman]

Have given up on the online calender. He was never gonna use it. If it's only gonna be me on it, I'd rather stick to my own diary!!! stbxh has responded re tickets for play. He said nothing about the other part of my message. There is an information evening at dd1's secondary school on Wed but I am going alone. If there is anything important he needs to know i will pass it on (my choice, I would rather not see him in the spirit of no contact - already seen him this week due to dd2 operation).

[Handywoman]

So I told him to day that as part of my therapy there will be minimal/no contact, that he will have to drop kids at gate etc.

He replied in a surprised way 'I didn't know you were in therapy' like I would just tell him haha! He is still deluded. Am out of comfort zone here. He said he is worried re impact on kids but respects my decision.

Slightly anxious but am carrying on with my plan.

Small handhold/squeeze appreciated here if there's one going...

[AdoraBell]

You've done really well and yes, it's none of his business. What is it he thinks will impact the DCs? Your therapy or drop off at the gate?

Because either way the impact is going to be a positive one.

Your therapy is going to improve you more than you can see at this time, trust me I've done it, and dropping off at the gate is going to stop the drama they currently witness, even if it's only picking up on you feeling unsettled.

Well done

((gentle squeeze))

[MushroomSoup]

Just read all this - you rock!

I remember going through all of this with my ex.