AIBU to find my DH really pathetic?

[Ubiquitousslug]

I am 20 weeks pregnant and something is happening with my husband where the more pregnant I become, the more attention he demands from me and everyone else. I have had two bouts of bronchitis since getting pregnant and suffered with pelvic girdle pain. Unable to take meds I was ill for about two months solid. Throughout my illness he refused to do things that would help me, like opening windows so I could cool off when I was overheating and I had a fever (he would insist they were closed because of his allergies,) not allowing me the food I wanted or felt like because he deemed it to be junk or inappropriate for a pregnant woman. I barely had the energy to get it/make it myself, so just had to go along with what he chose for me and my preferences were not taken into account. The whole time it was like he was testing me to see if I would put him or myself/baby first.

I've had the other prrgnancy gamut of symptoms : some constipation, sickness, UTI infection etc. In our day to day life if I have to mention that I am experiencing any of these (to explain why it's uncomfortable to have sex for eg) his response will be "I have it too, but much much worse." Really, if he has it too, and worse than me, then how is he doing all the things I am finding it hard to do?

Last week I got attacked on the street. It was bad enough to have to call the police immediately and has had several follow ups. I was very upset and friends I told were concerned and have followed up with me in the last week to check I am okay. When I called DH as soon as it happened, he first of all blamed me for "going out alone" while pregnant and then had a short-lived rant about how he would beat the men up, which had faded by the time I got home, shaken, because he was watching the Workd Cup. And he hasn't mentioned it since or asked how I am feeling. He simply complains constantly about business deals of his which do not go through and expects long conversations about his feelings over these and various other things that happen.

The world ended for him yesterday (sarcasm) because he contracted a cold. Since then there have been dramatic displays of taking to his bed and demanding pills, meals, hot drinks, inhalations. Onviously I am chief nurse. i have had to cancel meetings for him, and he keeps me up all night with these dramatic dashes to the toilet because - heaven forbid - his nose is "dripping." Why he can't just get a tissue and wipe it in bed is beyond me, all the lights in the house have to be switched on and he has to run to the bathroom, opening and slamming doors like we are having an emergency and has to run his nose under a tap for five minutes.

He is very proud of my bump and draws attention to it constantly in public. He obviously enjoys the attention he receives from having a pregnant wife. In the privacy of the house he is very affectionate too, but I am really uncomfortable with his constant pointing at and fondling of my bump in front of strangers who very obviously feel obligated to say "congratulations."

He was NEVER like this before I was pregnant. We both took care of each other selflessly when we were ill, he used to talk to me as much as I needed about difficult things that would happen, and he was my best friend as well as my husband. But right now I can't even look at him without finding him completely pathetic. I am not in love with him at the moment and I admit that I am cold and distant to him when he tries to talk to me about how he is feeling.

I just don't know if this kind of dynamic change is common in a relationship during pregnancy? Obviously I am hormonal and that is affecting my feelings (I heard some women irrationally hate their husband the entire 9 months.) basically it is like he has become a child. He has said a few times that he will be replaced when the baby gets here (and he does it in a baby voice - again completely new to me - we are not the kind of couple who talks in baby language to each other.) he needs to just step up to the mark and be an adult.

Any thoughts would be appreciated and also to tell me if I sound like an impatient, bitter old cow too.

He runs his nose under the tap? WTF?

He does sound pathetic and entitled, yes.

I'm sorry, I have no experience to offer as to the likelihood that he will revert to his previous standards of behaviour (which weren't unduly high, BTW, just normal). Most men, IME, have become more protective of their partners when pregnant, not less.

I have heard it said many times on MN that pregnancy is a trigger in some people to start abuse.

My DH has form for getting a bit pathetic and developing illnesses when others are ill (keep meaning to start a thread about it) but was great when I was pregnant. It does sound a bit worrying, particularly the mithering about sex and the denying you food you want.

Have you had a frank talk with him about all this?

He will probably be worse after the baby arrives.
It seems that he wants 100% of your attention.

His reaction to you being attacked is worrying.

It doesn't bode well for the future.

Maybe you need to just sit him done and tell him he's being a manchild.

My DH is exactly like yours when I'm pregnant sadly. And just to alert you he was rubbish during my 2 DCs births too. In fact during the 2nd stage (pushing his daughter out of my vagina with no pain relief!) he accidentally sat on a packet of crisps, let out a long moan and said 'why to bad things happen to good people?'. The look the midwife gave him was withering.

Each pregnancy I have doubted whether our relationship will go the distance. But he has been such a good father and stepped up when it mattered that his behaviour during my pregnancies has faded.

He has behaved horribly and selfishly though when pregnant. For example I suffered severe 9 month sickness with one pg. I threw up whenever I smelt BBQ sauce. He ordered it ALL the time and even brought BBQ pizzas home after he had been out, something he had never done before, or since. Passive aggressive hostility.

Oh dear remembering makes me want to punch him in the throat. [hollow smile]

Yes, it is a typical pattern for domestic abuse to only begin after a pregnancy, even after years.

His behaviour is abusive and it doesn't sound like a good environment to be raising a child in.

CinnabarRed he runs his nose under the tap because he wants me to think it's MUCH WORSE than a simple cold. That it is parasites crawling in his sinuses. He has just woken me up now (what is it? 6am?) to tell me that we need to cancel our holiday (which is happening IN A MONTH) because he is so ill. Thank you for letting me know that our previous standards were normal and that my expectations are not ridiculous...

hesterton I wish I could go somewhere else for a bit. Funds don't allow me to pay for anywhere else and I wouldn't want to impose on friends/family as they are all over run with kids. If I told him I was finding him unacceptable and that I wanted to leave for a week I feel like all hell would break loose and he'd get family involved, including my parents who would tell me I'm being "ridiculous" for choosing to be away from my husband while I am pregnant.

mrsterrypratchett I have tried to have a couple of frank chats with him. He is usually apologetic and listens to me, then immediately reverts back to the other behaviour. Then when I say "you're doing it again," he says "you're always putting me down and nitpicking me. You hate me. Everything I say irritates you."

paxtecum manchild is the word. I just don't understand how he can change so dramatically and rapidly?

Batmansbuttocks your post made me laugh... So many similarities. DH has also said he can't possibly be in the room when I give birth because he doesn't think he'll be able to cope. I have asked why? What aspect of it? Surely we can compromise and he can be head-end? Or he can go in and out if he finds it difficult? Then he gets upset and asks why I insist on bringing up things he doesn't want to talk about (birth, blood, whatever.) Like your experience, I have a feeling he'll be a really great Dad. The irony is that when I am not pregnant, he is always the one who continues DESPITE illness, who goes the extra mile for everyone, who puts himself out for others. It is a total and utter change of character, literally overnight. Your post gives me hope though...

weatherall what is it about pregnancy that causes the domestic abuse? is it the more vulnerable state of the woman?

he sounds like a little boy. despite myself, i'm smiling, fondly. i hope you don't have to 'permanently vitiate his existence' before you give birth. but i'm sure you'll be tempted.

Hi OP. this is bizarre.

I don't have direct experience - my DH is OK when I am pregnant - he tries his best but doesn't get it. I am the physically strong one usually and I often have to remind DH how i feel (terribly sick).

So I am not surprised you currently hate your DH. He sounds absolutely pathetic. Your post irked me on your behalf. My guess is he is terrified and can't adjust to his change in roll. Is he very immature generally? Has he been mollycoddled in his life? Attention seeking?

I think you need to let him know how much of an issue this has become for you. I think he needs to speak to someone. His attitude to you being attacked is the most worrying.

I'm sorry you have to experience this at what should be such a happy time

Generally when a woman is pregnant, she is much more likely to stick out a relationship with the father of the baby. She becomes more locked in to it. The abusive man will often let his mask slip at this time because he feels safe to do so....she isn't going anywhere now, after all.

They are also sometimes threatened by the new baby....they worry that her focus will be on the child, and she will forget who the real priority is...ie him. Abusive men like to remind their partners that he is still no 1.

Your partner's behaviour reminds of me a jealous child. I am not surprised you find it a total turn off. At a time when you would be looking from strength, support and reassurance from your significant other, he chooses to launch a me me me campaign.

I can't tell you whether or not your relationship has a happy future, but certainly from what you've written he sounds like hard bloody work.

Yes he's pathetic........I hope you are alright now after the attack, that is disturbing that he didn't ask how you are.

Nip this attention seeking behaviour in the bud (ignore) else you'll find yourself having to change his giant nappy along with the babies when it arrives.

This may well be a wake up call for yougr relationship. You need to watch his behaviour once the baby comes very closely.
I remember some similar behaviour. I had bad morning sickness and low iron levels. My husband would stride off leaving me slowly walking behind him. He claimed that walking at my pace was to hard. He also displayed irritation at any illness including ignoring my needs.
Over the years this became verbal abuse and rigid rules for the children and me.
We have worked through this but it involves me challenging everything. You have to as well. Please don't let him get away with it and be very wary of his general behaviour after the birth.

Nip this attention seeking behaviour in the bud (ignore) else you'll find yourself having to change his giant nappy along with the babies when it arrives.

Agree with this. You are not his mummy, and he's not your little prince. He needs to get a grip, and now...before that baby comes along to steal his thunder.

Imagining having someone like that in the house at the same time as a newborn makes my blood pressure rise. Having a baby is amazing, wonderful and joyful but it's also very stressful and puts a huge amount of pressure on a relationship. A new baby dominates you completely with its needs - it doesn't sound like he will be able to handle that.

I have been very sick throughout my pregnancies and my husband was supportive, considerate and sympathetic throughout. He did everything round the house, everything for our older child the second time around, he put himself out for my comfort all the time. He was an invaluable support during the birth and looked after me during my recovery. That's how a husband should behave during pregnancy. I can't imagine going through it all without him. It sounds like your husband is just making everything harder. It's not normal behaviour and you shouldn't have to be dealing with it.

I honestly feel that you find out what people are really like when there is a bit of stress on the family and it sounds like he is buckling. If you have already had several frank discussions then you really need to be firmer. I would explain that if he carries on with this nonsense then he will not be someone you want to be in a relationship with.

Seriously, tell him to woman up.

I am not remotely hormonal and my blood is boiling on your behalf! Tell me has he trotted out the classic 'pregnancy is not an illness' yet?

Your attack sounds terrifying. Fwiw my advice is to ignore your wierd husband (stand up for yourself and your needs but ignore the dramatics) and concentrate on getting the support to deal with the attack.

I think your H sounds pathetic but also fucking sinister

I predict some bad times ahead for you

He will not like a baby on the scene because his position of being number 1 will be usurped.

You've already tried talking to him and he changes for a short while but then reverts to type. He's kept the act of being decent up just long enough (my guess too that there were subtle indicators of his true nature before you became pg but these were minimised or not recognised) but you are seeing the real him now.

I think his behaviour is at its heart abusive, I also see bad times ahead for you. All this man ultimately cares about is himself, not you or your as yet unborn child. Some abusive men really do ramp up the power and control ante of abuse when the woman becomes pregnant. He knows that you're vulnerable and will not leave (he figures that with a child you won't leave then either because of the child).

Abusers as well can be very plausible to those in the outside world as well.

I had a similar experience. We'd been together 11 yrs, I got pregnant which was planned. Turned into a total child when I was pg this didn't change when I had ds. I eventually asked him to move out when ds was 15 months. I couldn't cope with the complete let down. I grew to hate him.

What pictish and AnyFucker said. With bells on.

You were attacked and he was more concerned with the football when you got home?

That alone is wrong.

I think he sounds scared and overwhelmed about impending fatherhood.. He may step up when the babies here or he may turn into one of those sulky man childs when the baby is getting all of the attention.

However the way he has behaved when you needed looking after and especially after you were attacked is pretty appalling.. you poor thing. I would lose a whole load of respect in that position that I'm unsure would come back.

Weatherall, a beautifully crafted observation, straight from the AF School of Bigotism.
OP - Your DH is basically a prick. Unable to deal with the fact you are pregnant and therefore commanding most of the attention. He is incapable of playing second-fiddle and needs a rapid lesson in partnerships. As for the overt affection in public, this is classic "look at me, aren't I the manly one creating this new life" - Prick!