AIBU to find my DH really pathetic?

[Ubiquitousslug]

I am 20 weeks pregnant and something is happening with my husband where the more pregnant I become, the more attention he demands from me and everyone else. I have had two bouts of bronchitis since getting pregnant and suffered with pelvic girdle pain. Unable to take meds I was ill for about two months solid. Throughout my illness he refused to do things that would help me, like opening windows so I could cool off when I was overheating and I had a fever (he would insist they were closed because of his allergies,) not allowing me the food I wanted or felt like because he deemed it to be junk or inappropriate for a pregnant woman. I barely had the energy to get it/make it myself, so just had to go along with what he chose for me and my preferences were not taken into account. The whole time it was like he was testing me to see if I would put him or myself/baby first.

I've had the other prrgnancy gamut of symptoms : some constipation, sickness, UTI infection etc. In our day to day life if I have to mention that I am experiencing any of these (to explain why it's uncomfortable to have sex for eg) his response will be "I have it too, but much much worse." Really, if he has it too, and worse than me, then how is he doing all the things I am finding it hard to do?

Last week I got attacked on the street. It was bad enough to have to call the police immediately and has had several follow ups. I was very upset and friends I told were concerned and have followed up with me in the last week to check I am okay. When I called DH as soon as it happened, he first of all blamed me for "going out alone" while pregnant and then had a short-lived rant about how he would beat the men up, which had faded by the time I got home, shaken, because he was watching the Workd Cup. And he hasn't mentioned it since or asked how I am feeling. He simply complains constantly about business deals of his which do not go through and expects long conversations about his feelings over these and various other things that happen.

The world ended for him yesterday (sarcasm) because he contracted a cold. Since then there have been dramatic displays of taking to his bed and demanding pills, meals, hot drinks, inhalations. Onviously I am chief nurse. i have had to cancel meetings for him, and he keeps me up all night with these dramatic dashes to the toilet because - heaven forbid - his nose is "dripping." Why he can't just get a tissue and wipe it in bed is beyond me, all the lights in the house have to be switched on and he has to run to the bathroom, opening and slamming doors like we are having an emergency and has to run his nose under a tap for five minutes.

He is very proud of my bump and draws attention to it constantly in public. He obviously enjoys the attention he receives from having a pregnant wife. In the privacy of the house he is very affectionate too, but I am really uncomfortable with his constant pointing at and fondling of my bump in front of strangers who very obviously feel obligated to say "congratulations."

He was NEVER like this before I was pregnant. We both took care of each other selflessly when we were ill, he used to talk to me as much as I needed about difficult things that would happen, and he was my best friend as well as my husband. But right now I can't even look at him without finding him completely pathetic. I am not in love with him at the moment and I admit that I am cold and distant to him when he tries to talk to me about how he is feeling.

I just don't know if this kind of dynamic change is common in a relationship during pregnancy? Obviously I am hormonal and that is affecting my feelings (I heard some women irrationally hate their husband the entire 9 months.) basically it is like he has become a child. He has said a few times that he will be replaced when the baby gets here (and he does it in a baby voice - again completely new to me - we are not the kind of couple who talks in baby language to each other.) he needs to just step up to the mark and be an adult.

Any thoughts would be appreciated and also to tell me if I sound like an impatient, bitter old cow too.

Oh, god, OP. He sounds just like my exp, who also started like this when I became pregnant. Unless your DH has a massive wakeup call and transforms when the baby is born (unlikely IME), he will be even worse after the baby arrives, as he will be getting pushed down the priority list and won't like it one bit.

I would go to your parents and call his bluff on this shit now, even if you have no intention of leaving him ever. It needs nipping in the bud or it will escalate and you will be put upon forever more and feel unable to leave and deprive him of his DCs (thus adding to his already massive sufferings in life).

My ex had me up a giant fucking ladder at 38 weeks pregnant doing DIY, then had me literally scrub the house top to bottom while he sat on his arse, as 'You're pregnant, not ill' unlike him, who had 'flu' and was very 'stressed'. Don't put up with it all like I did!

Thank you for all your answers - there are too many for me to answer individually.

DH's father has actually stepped in because I mentioned something to his sister last week and is going to speak with him tomorrow. I'll take that as the final attempt to communicate.

We have been together for 7 years and not once has he ever behaved like this. I need some time to think.

I was with my exp for 9 years before I got pregnant and the martyrdom began.

Good luck with it slug.

My exh was like this. We were together for 12 years before we had kids, no sign of any pathetic behaviour at all.

As soon as our first child came along he changed. He has even said he found it difficult to 'share' me with someone else. He got worse and worse although I stuck it out another 11 years before finally calling it a day. By then he was the nastiest, most self-absorbed man I have ever met. A completely different person to the one I met and married. Sad, but not that uncommon.

Glad to see that you have recognised that this isn't down to him just being pathetic - he is being abusive and controlling in a way which is very chilling .He isn't being violent , but he is getting a kick out of your helplessness and vulnerability (denying you fresh air and edible food FFS !). The reaction to your attack showed no concern for you or your baby - he seems to see it as an attack on his property and a challenge to his masculinity. He is refusing to support you through the birth experience because he doesn't want to talk about it.

He is showing you that your welfare is not important to him, and nor is the baby's - and that's really worrying. He is revelling in your reliance on him and your physical incapacity ; in a few weeks time you will be at your most vulnerable with a tiny helpless baby ,with this manleech sucking every drop of energy from you. Please try and establish as much of a support network as you can. His behaviour is not normal.

So you've told him these things before, and he hasn't listened. A friend of yours has told him he needs to step up, and he hasn't listened.

Do you think this is a case of "dh just doesn't realise what he's doing"? If that's true, and he does listen after his father has a word with him, what does that say about you?

He doesn't respect your opinions, unless they are repeated by someone he does respect?

That's dangerous ground to be on.

I used to think "if only I could convince XH that I was really unhappy, he would stop behaving this way". My tears weren't "proof" you see.

Friends spoke to him and he'd agree with them and make promises, and nothing changed.

It should always be the case, in a fair and equal marriage, that one person saying "this upsets me" should mean the other person cares enough to discuss and respond.

His point about not wanting to talk about the grittiness of birth, is so utterly selfish. You are actually going to have to do that bit, yet he denies you the comfort you can get from being prepared and talking through your fears.

It's scary how many posters have come on saying that their wonderful, long relationship changed completely when pregnant, and that the person they married never came back.

He doesn't respect your opinions, unless they are repeated by someone he does respect

This.
In fact, he doesn't care that much for you.

It reminds me of exH telling me he had been to counselling and that the counsellor told him he shouldn't have hit me. Well, apart from the fact that the comment was not an apology or recognition that he was wrong, it shouldn't have been necessary for anyone to tell him it was wrong!