AIBU to find my DH really pathetic?

[Ubiquitousslug]

I am 20 weeks pregnant and something is happening with my husband where the more pregnant I become, the more attention he demands from me and everyone else. I have had two bouts of bronchitis since getting pregnant and suffered with pelvic girdle pain. Unable to take meds I was ill for about two months solid. Throughout my illness he refused to do things that would help me, like opening windows so I could cool off when I was overheating and I had a fever (he would insist they were closed because of his allergies,) not allowing me the food I wanted or felt like because he deemed it to be junk or inappropriate for a pregnant woman. I barely had the energy to get it/make it myself, so just had to go along with what he chose for me and my preferences were not taken into account. The whole time it was like he was testing me to see if I would put him or myself/baby first.

I've had the other prrgnancy gamut of symptoms : some constipation, sickness, UTI infection etc. In our day to day life if I have to mention that I am experiencing any of these (to explain why it's uncomfortable to have sex for eg) his response will be "I have it too, but much much worse." Really, if he has it too, and worse than me, then how is he doing all the things I am finding it hard to do?

Last week I got attacked on the street. It was bad enough to have to call the police immediately and has had several follow ups. I was very upset and friends I told were concerned and have followed up with me in the last week to check I am okay. When I called DH as soon as it happened, he first of all blamed me for "going out alone" while pregnant and then had a short-lived rant about how he would beat the men up, which had faded by the time I got home, shaken, because he was watching the Workd Cup. And he hasn't mentioned it since or asked how I am feeling. He simply complains constantly about business deals of his which do not go through and expects long conversations about his feelings over these and various other things that happen.

The world ended for him yesterday (sarcasm) because he contracted a cold. Since then there have been dramatic displays of taking to his bed and demanding pills, meals, hot drinks, inhalations. Onviously I am chief nurse. i have had to cancel meetings for him, and he keeps me up all night with these dramatic dashes to the toilet because - heaven forbid - his nose is "dripping." Why he can't just get a tissue and wipe it in bed is beyond me, all the lights in the house have to be switched on and he has to run to the bathroom, opening and slamming doors like we are having an emergency and has to run his nose under a tap for five minutes.

He is very proud of my bump and draws attention to it constantly in public. He obviously enjoys the attention he receives from having a pregnant wife. In the privacy of the house he is very affectionate too, but I am really uncomfortable with his constant pointing at and fondling of my bump in front of strangers who very obviously feel obligated to say "congratulations."

He was NEVER like this before I was pregnant. We both took care of each other selflessly when we were ill, he used to talk to me as much as I needed about difficult things that would happen, and he was my best friend as well as my husband. But right now I can't even look at him without finding him completely pathetic. I am not in love with him at the moment and I admit that I am cold and distant to him when he tries to talk to me about how he is feeling.

I just don't know if this kind of dynamic change is common in a relationship during pregnancy? Obviously I am hormonal and that is affecting my feelings (I heard some women irrationally hate their husband the entire 9 months.) basically it is like he has become a child. He has said a few times that he will be replaced when the baby gets here (and he does it in a baby voice - again completely new to me - we are not the kind of couple who talks in baby language to each other.) he needs to just step up to the mark and be an adult.

Any thoughts would be appreciated and also to tell me if I sound like an impatient, bitter old cow too.

OP my DH was fine throughout my first 2 pregnancies but was a vile being during my last pregnancy with twins.
If I listed his awful behaviour my post would be very long, suffice to say he moaned at me at 8 months pregnant for only managing to hang 3 drops of wallpaper a day in the nursery!

As soon as they were born he was brilliant and such a proud and involved father.

In hindsight I think there was a lot of anxiety behind his behaviour, I think he thought our lives would radically change, both in terms of finances and time. I also think that he imagined that I would have no time for him or give him any attention as the babies would be so demanding.

He cannot believe how vile he was when I remind/tell him and always says he did not know what got into him and apoligises profusely.

Op I think that your DH, could be worried that the attention is all focused on you, you are growing this amazing baby, he had minimal input, and that he is not now the in the driving seat and will have no control over what is about to happen.

I think that once the baby arrives he might realise what an idiot he has been especially if you remind him

How long have you been together?

It seems hard to believe but some people are able to play a part for years at a time. It's only when a big thing happens, usually one that takes attention from them and promises to be major hard work and responsibility, that they show their true nature.

Maybe the nice guy was an act, and this pathetic, abusive twerp is your real husband. Hope not, but I think you need to pull him up on this behaviour sharpish. If it is a weird aberration, perhaps realising that you are doubting the relationship might pull him back together.

Not convinced though - I too found the refusing windows/food, waking you at all hours and particularly his behaviour when you were attacked very chilling tbh.

I'd be planning on how to get rid! I'm not usually one to throw LTB about but he is making my skin crawl just reading about it.

What a nauseating creep.

Sorry to hear about your attack. do you have family or friends to help you out?

Yes mee too re the windows and the food. Very controlling and sinister to take pleasure in ithers' discomfort. That's not the same as merely being self-centred.

Others', not ithers'

I say this in all seriousness, do you have the sort of relationship with the other influential women in his life that you could talk to about it? He's acting like a spoilt naughty child; tell on him to his Mummy. As I sit here cradling my sleeping boy, I'm simmering with indignation for you and I'd HIT THE ROOF (and his grown up backside) if he treated his wife this way in years to come. I think that DS's Dad would be thoroughly ashamed too.

Please don't nurse him. If he is waking exhausted pregnant you up with attention-seeking demonstrations, move rooms.

What a freaking dickhead!

The fact that you have not called him properly on this and are hiding the facts form your family suggests to me that there havebeen signs of this before and you are treading on eggshells with him.

If this were me, and having a direct word about it did not work I would say on the phone to family in front of him "Oh, I am having cravings for crisp and avocado sandwiches but DH wont make them for me becuase he thinks they are not healthy. Clearly does not understand pregnancy does he, ha ha!" "Oh, now you mention it DH was not that sympathetic about my attack probably because the world cup is on ha ha" "DH has man flu and is keeping me awake half the night making noise , he should try being pregnant!."
This would be in part because it would be so unlike him that I woudl hope that hearing his behaviour repeated back in a jokey way would make him think about it, and if he was cross about me telling others it would make it clear to me that he knew he was acting unaccpetably - after all, if this was acceptable behaviour he would not mind others hearing about it. But it would also be softly warming family up for the fact that there is an issue brewing.

I would go nuclear on him. Both barrels. In fact I wouldn't be able to get over the fact that he ignored you when you were attacked.

He's a tool. Selfish to the core.

I was actually recoiling in disgust reading your posts.

Thank you for all your replies. I am just completely fed up and trying to work out what to do about it. My "cold and distant" attitude is making him carry on as normal, and that was resorted to after I could not get him to listen to me about how I was feeling.

I promise there were not any "red flags" or warnings before I got pregnant. At least not to my "eye" at the time. He is a very hard worker who always puts himself out for other people and goes the extra mile. His willingness to do all the dirty jobs in the past and to support me unconditionally has made me extremely proud if him. That is why it is such a shock to watch him change from this tower of strength and support into this pathetic, attention seeking prick.

He's obviously very insecure. The prospect of becoming a parent is overwhelming for him, but it is overwhelming for me too. There is absolutely no room left for me here to express myself or be listened to. My friends are being great. Some are horrified at his behaviour and one actually called and spoke to him yesterday. He complained to her too about his illnesses and she was sympathetic but tried to tell him I needed support. He agreed with her but nothing changed when he got off the phone.

I am just putting myself first now. I am learning to live in a house with someone I'm beginning to dislike and putting together papers (title deeds, accounts etc) in case I need them at some point.

Slug :( that's a horrible way to be going through your pregnancy. So a mutual friend has told him he needs to step up and he's still being an idiot?

I think you do need to sit down and unemotionally lay your cards on the table. And please go on that holiday without him.

OP, I feel so sad for you. Has the "old" him gone totally?

My husband can out-ill anybody, but this sounds like a totally different type of behaviour. The selfishness is really quite scary.

So, let me get this straight...you were attacked in the street, seriously enough that you called the police, and your husband was over it by the time you walked in? To the extent that he couldn't be pried away from the telly?

That's fucking pathological.

What are you going to do? I feel really worried for you.

I'm so pleased you posted and that the replies have opened your eyes.

He is treating you horrifically!

Have you put it to him point blank that his behaviour is pushing the relationship to break down and that there will be noting left to rectify if it doesn't stop now. Ask him to think of a future without you or the baby in it because that is what he is pushing for even if he doesn't realise it.

He need to see how shit he has been with clear tones no more feelings and that even friends are trying to save him from the car crash eh is making out of your lives atm. Tell him if he can't do it alone then he needs to go to his GP to get support. Let him know he is devolving into an abusive prick and you nor your child wont stay around for that.

I'm so sorry. Yes he is overwhelmed and dealing with it atrociously but that is his choice all you can do is hold up the big red warning cards as strongly as you can as to where it will lead. Hopefully he pulls his head out of his arse when the baby's born if he can't before and hopefully that isn't too little too late.

He sounds vile, sorry. There's feeling insecure and then there's being a prick - he's a prick. Yes some men can feel overwhelmed and pushed during pregnancy, I think it's quite natural tbh but acting like a toddler and being cruel to your pregnant wife is beyond the pale. I wouldn't want him at the birth anyway in your shoes, he'll probably pretend to faint or something.
As for the food issue, that's disgusting! DH once went out at nearly midnight in a downpour to get me some yoghurt and heartburn medicine - that's the type of thing a husband or partner should be doing, not restricting your food intake!
Fwiw, The only point I ever hated DH was at the head crowning stage but I think that's allowed..

Excuse grammar and typos. looked good when i hit post then all the shit bits leapt out.

How long have you been together?

during the 2nd stage (pushing his daughter out of my vagina with no pain relief!) he accidentally sat on a packet of crisps, let out a long moan and said 'why to bad things happen to good people?'. The look the midwife gave him was withering.

Batmansbuttocks, that's the funniest thing I've ever read on mumsnet - probably not for you, though, sorry!

OP - I think you need to speak to your parents alone and tell them that you might need to come and stay with them for a while to get some space. You need to explain what has been going on, and to not leave anything out. Highlighting in particular his controlling behaviour, and the fact that your own partner found the football more interesting than supporting his PREGNANT partner who had just been ATTACKED.

If they accuse you of exaggerating you need to look them dead in the eye and say "No. I am not exaggerating. I am asking you - as my parents - for support, and I need to know if I can rely on you if I need to".

If they still refuse to believe you, just be honest. Tell them that their reaction is a huge disappointment, you will look elsewhere for support, and that you hope that if YOUR child turns to you for support one day, you will step up as a parent and support them no matter what.

Then, to be perfectly honest, I would significantly cut them from your life. Parenting doesn't "end" when the child gets married. If they aren't supporting you when you need them most, then they aren't worth your time or heart.

Your partner's behaviour is creepy and childish at best, and borderline abuse at worst. The level of control he has been putting on you regarding windows and food is very strange.

After speaking to your parents (who may well surprise you and step up to the mark), I would give it one more go with you partner. Wait until he does something weird or controlling, and then muster all your energy and lose it. Tell him that you are FED UP with his weird, controlling and SHITTY behaviour. You're FED UP of him apologising and then completely ignoring what you've said. You're FED UP of him being such a fucking drama queen. FED UP of him fawning all over you in public and then being such a fucking manchild at home. Tell him that it's his last warning.

Then if he does it again - PACK YOUR BAGS AND LEAVE.

He needs to know that you aren't going to stand for this behaviour. By sticking around, you are telling him that his behaviour isn't a big deal.

covalone would you like to tell me and every one else on this thread you have attempted to derail with a completely unprovoked attack on my person just exactly what the fuck your problem is ?

YANBU at all of course.

Your husband is having a tantrum as he isn't getting enough attention for being so clever and amazing to have go this wife pregnant .

Have a serious talk with him telling him what needs to happen and what will if he doesn't listen and make changes.

Are you okay now after the attack and has the baby ben checked?

Agree with everyone else.

I would suggest that you show him your original post, and possibly the replies. See how he reacts when he sees his behaviour actually set out in black and white (rather than the distorted way it may appear in his head).

Since he's been a decent person up till now, I would have hope that he can go back to that. His reaction to this thread will tell you a lot.

no please don't show him this thread

areas like this are a source of support for you, do not even think about closing them off

Fair point Anyfucker

revised version:

write down what you've said in your OP and show that to him