AIBU to find my DH really pathetic?

[Ubiquitousslug]

I am 20 weeks pregnant and something is happening with my husband where the more pregnant I become, the more attention he demands from me and everyone else. I have had two bouts of bronchitis since getting pregnant and suffered with pelvic girdle pain. Unable to take meds I was ill for about two months solid. Throughout my illness he refused to do things that would help me, like opening windows so I could cool off when I was overheating and I had a fever (he would insist they were closed because of his allergies,) not allowing me the food I wanted or felt like because he deemed it to be junk or inappropriate for a pregnant woman. I barely had the energy to get it/make it myself, so just had to go along with what he chose for me and my preferences were not taken into account. The whole time it was like he was testing me to see if I would put him or myself/baby first.

I've had the other prrgnancy gamut of symptoms : some constipation, sickness, UTI infection etc. In our day to day life if I have to mention that I am experiencing any of these (to explain why it's uncomfortable to have sex for eg) his response will be "I have it too, but much much worse." Really, if he has it too, and worse than me, then how is he doing all the things I am finding it hard to do?

Last week I got attacked on the street. It was bad enough to have to call the police immediately and has had several follow ups. I was very upset and friends I told were concerned and have followed up with me in the last week to check I am okay. When I called DH as soon as it happened, he first of all blamed me for "going out alone" while pregnant and then had a short-lived rant about how he would beat the men up, which had faded by the time I got home, shaken, because he was watching the Workd Cup. And he hasn't mentioned it since or asked how I am feeling. He simply complains constantly about business deals of his which do not go through and expects long conversations about his feelings over these and various other things that happen.

The world ended for him yesterday (sarcasm) because he contracted a cold. Since then there have been dramatic displays of taking to his bed and demanding pills, meals, hot drinks, inhalations. Onviously I am chief nurse. i have had to cancel meetings for him, and he keeps me up all night with these dramatic dashes to the toilet because - heaven forbid - his nose is "dripping." Why he can't just get a tissue and wipe it in bed is beyond me, all the lights in the house have to be switched on and he has to run to the bathroom, opening and slamming doors like we are having an emergency and has to run his nose under a tap for five minutes.

He is very proud of my bump and draws attention to it constantly in public. He obviously enjoys the attention he receives from having a pregnant wife. In the privacy of the house he is very affectionate too, but I am really uncomfortable with his constant pointing at and fondling of my bump in front of strangers who very obviously feel obligated to say "congratulations."

He was NEVER like this before I was pregnant. We both took care of each other selflessly when we were ill, he used to talk to me as much as I needed about difficult things that would happen, and he was my best friend as well as my husband. But right now I can't even look at him without finding him completely pathetic. I am not in love with him at the moment and I admit that I am cold and distant to him when he tries to talk to me about how he is feeling.

I just don't know if this kind of dynamic change is common in a relationship during pregnancy? Obviously I am hormonal and that is affecting my feelings (I heard some women irrationally hate their husband the entire 9 months.) basically it is like he has become a child. He has said a few times that he will be replaced when the baby gets here (and he does it in a baby voice - again completely new to me - we are not the kind of couple who talks in baby language to each other.) he needs to just step up to the mark and be an adult.

Any thoughts would be appreciated and also to tell me if I sound like an impatient, bitter old cow too.

He sounds really irritating. Him being constantly ill and having to be far sicker than you would get on my nerves. In fact I dumped an ex boyfriend partially for such behaviour. It got on my nerves to such an extent. I had to go to a and e once to have a chest X-Ray, when I got back he decided that he must have the same problem as me and went to the doctors about it! He also said he worried his iron count was low as he requires more iron than me in his diet. I then told him why women required more iron.

In the end I would look out for his illnesses and laugh quietly to myself. He would make noises and faces when he was ill - I just thought he was pathetic. So I dumped him.

As for not being there when baby is born, totally pathetic. My dh got in the pool with me when our baby was born despite hospital programmes on the TV making his stomach turn. His priority was ensuring I felt supported and I was as calm and comfortable as possible.

I would keep an eye on his behaviour. It's worrying that you don't think your parents would be supportive. If my dd told me this I would have my spare room made up in seconds.

I do think you should watch his behaviour very closely.

He doesn't have to be at the birth, sit him down and say "are you sure you don't want to be there?" If he says yes then make firm plans with someone else and don't let him chop and change his mind. You really don't want a drama queen in with you. You want someone who can focus entirely on you, whether that's family, a friend, or a hired doula. If he decides not to be there then accept and tell him that this decision is one you need to feel safe with, so he doesn't get to change his mind when he feels like it.

When he whines and says you're nitpicking, say, "no, you are going back on what was agreed." And then do not engage any further.

If he at any point involves family, then you need to confront him and ask why he thinks family can solve his selfishness problem? I would be telling him that if he involved family again I would be walking as that is not my idea of communication between couples.

If he tries to dictate what foods etc you can eat, then ask him what right he has to dictate your diet and confront it.

Tell him you hate him fawning over you in public, if he does it again, tell him to stop touching you immediately. Embarrass him.

I would tell him that you are planning on going on holiday without him (since he wants to cancel anyway). That you need the space from him and worry that if you don't have this time apart you will struggle to stay with him. Tell him his attitude to you has been appalling and the relationship is likely to end if something doesn't change.

I would struggle to have any respect for this man.

And if he does baby talk again, just vomit all over him, it's the only way :o

I really hope it gets better for you op, pregnancy and having a new born can be really wonderful.

He should be wanting to take care of you.

I'd say this guy is a simple prick, except for a few things...

Refusing to open windows
Refusing to 'allow' food asked for
Being more concerned with the World Cup than a serious attack on his wife???

I'd like to say this is just panic, but given the above, there's a delight in your suffering there, there's a revelling in the ability of controlling what you do/eat. All situations are turned around to be all about him.
The waking you up too is typical of abusive pricks.

This is a deeply disturbing relationship. The fact that you'll have no support if you told family what's going on is very telling.

This relationship is doomed.

He's actively undermining you now, hampering your PG. He's already told you he won't be there for you at the birth, yet 'claiming all the kudos' for having impregnated you. He thinks he owns you, doesn't he?

When the baby comes this behaviour will escalate.

I strongly advise that to tell him to go now, so that you can get the rest you need.

i'm sorry. This is shit. But it won't get any better until you get him out of your home

Tell him to grow the fuck up and stop behaving so selfishly. Jealousy is a really bad trait in anyone and he's taking it to ridiculous extremes. Being a parent means that it's not all about you any more. If he's already acting up, he is going to be horrendous when there's an actual child in the picture.

Zero tolerance....

Obviously I am hormonal and that is affecting my feelings (I heard some women irrationally hate their husband the entire 9 months.)

BTW - I've never, ever encountered a single woman who irrationally hated her partner for the entirety of her pregnancy. Irritation, sure. Occasional silly blow up rows from nowhere that are laughed about afterwards, of course. But irrational hatred for the entire 9 months? No.

I would say your feelings towards your husband are entirely reasonable given his ridiculous behaviour.

pathetic? no.
nasty ? yes

sinister, yes. I think you need a plan B.

Yes jealously is the perfect word.

Tell him you've cancelled the holiday if he asks again.. it'll be a good time to get some space if you're Inclined to sneak off with a suitcase. You're vulnerable and he should be wanting to look after you... seeing to your comforts, going for craving foods in the middle of the night and all that. Some men really struggle with the ' responsibility and they turn into pricks. It isn't always some calculated and timed ' aha got her right where I want her' moment where they ramp up abuse.

Re the hormonal thing.... I'm not pregnant, not hormonal, have no emotional investment in your husband and already I (and the others on this thread) think he's a selfish arsehole based on your pencil sketch. . Disliking this man is neither irrational nor a personality failing on your part.

I have to agree with Hissy.

It sounds more than competition for your affections and there's the showing off to the outside world.
I wonder what would happen if you told people how he really is when he's gushing about the baby to them.

I'd say you need to talk to him about how you are feeling and establish some firm boundaries and be prepared to walk out if they are crossed.
But I don't think it looks good, actually.

You really need to put a stop to this now. You need to be really blunt and firm with him that he is behaving like a twat.

So what if he 'gets family involved' once you have explained how he is behaving i'm sure all will tell him to grow up.

He needs to understand he can not behave like this. Why do you need to cancel the holiday in a months time, he has a cold. Surely if it's that bad he needs to go to hospital and you need to make sure you know where is will is.

I heard some women irrationally hate their husband the entire 9 months

Who told you that, him? It sounds like the standard 'oooh hormonal wimmin, aren't they silly?' line of BS. And he seems happy to be using it to deflect you when he immediately reverts to the behaviour he just agreed he would stop.

And your family would back him up, would they? Why is that? Don't they love and respect you as a person?

He's behaving in a way which is completely unacceptable for an adult. He's even trying to make the birth All About Him for god's sake, and that really takes some doing under the circumstances. Why are you cancelling meetings to look after him? The fucker wouldn't even open the window for you.

This looks like a very serious power play. Would you have tolerated any of this crap if you weren't pregnant? You're not going to be less vulnerable once you have a child.

Sorry, OP. 'Pathetic' is not the right adjective to describe this behaviour.

BTW.... have you had a conversation yet about your expectations of how things are going to work when the baby arrives? And I mean a really serious & comprehensive conversation about sharing night-feeds, domestic chores, finances, etc.? If he's the type having competitive ailments already he's going to be no use to you if you just leave it to chance. Currently all that bump patting stuff is just a macho way of saying 'Look! My dick works!' So start early, set the expectations high and don't let him get away with squat.

I think his behaviour sounds really sinister and controlling. I think you need to think about what he is communicating to you and about how he sees you? What's his message? It's not good. I would get rid now before baby arrives.

I would start honing up your support network in case you need it later. Let trusted friends and family know how he is behaving -don't hide it or cover it up.

He sounds a nightmare.

Be careful about jeopardising your job, missing meetings and so forth because of him. He doesn't sound the type to rely on, and you might need that security when your maternity leave is over.

You need to tell your family all his antics. And his. Why keep it a secret?

This thread has horrified me TBH.

When I read this " He has just woken me up now (what is it? 6am?) to tell me that we need to cancel our holiday (which is happening IN A MONTH) because he is so ill. " I actually thought that you need to ask him to leave.

Anyone who wakes their pregnant wife at 6 am to say that you need to cancel a holiday planned for a month hence because they have got a cold is beyond contempt.

I think the only chance you have got AT ALL not to have a life filled with misery if you have a baby with this man in the house, is if you get him to leave, and talk to your GP and midwife about his bizarre behaviour and get it all out in the open. Only if you let him know you will not stand for it a second longer can you sort this.

If he is this jealous of a baby that is not even born yet what will happen will your attention really will be taken up by the baby?

He is jealous of your baby, please think about this for a moment...I hope for you and the baby sake he changes once you had the baby.

I think you're downplaying everything.
He is acting really badly, yet you are finding excuses for why you can't do anything.
Really there is very little chance this will improve once the baby arrives, except you will be more vulnerable and feel even more trapped.

He sounds absolutely awful

I have an 18 month old and a 5 month old - so pretty much two pregnancies back to back

My DH is not the most sympathetic in terms of words but an absolute rock in terms of dealing with the DC and trying to do as much as he can whilst I'm pregnant and now to look after all of us when he's not at work.

I'm expressing to feed littlest baby and the only thing we agreed on was that DH would feed DD between 7 and 11 on week nights although I had an AIBU at the time as I felt pushed out if our room! DD and I would sleep in a separate room during the week so DH could sleep til 6am then take over til he went to work at 8. He did all night feeds on Fridays and Sats too and got us with our DS every morning.

My Dad also did his fair share too and I always thought he and my DH were normal. I'm amazed at the number if people in real life and on here who have to put up wint total shit.

Can you not explain the position to your parents and go and stay with them for a bit? I would explain you hope to work it out now but, if you have it stay, you foresee a permanent separation in the future. That might focus their minds. I would also insist on counselling. Mainly in the hope that he will be very embarrassed discussing his odd and selfish behaviour in front of a third party!

More practically - make him sleep in another room.

Also, make an app at the doctor to discuss all of these nonsensical ""illnesses". Watch and laugh whilst the doctor goes

Do not miss anymore meetings. Why should you jeopardise your job for this twunt?

My XH said I was hormonal and irrational when I asked him to leave the house when I was 8 months pregnant.

No, I asked him to leave the house because he'd been screaming and shouting so much that ds was terrified and in tears.

This isn't the same thing, but it is often used as a reason why the woman's needs shouldn't be listened to.

My current dh, on the otherhand asked if I needed a hug or to be left alone, when I was clearly irritable, because he actually recognised that even my hormonal feelings should be acknowledged because I was feeling them.

I hope this is just a blip, but please don't put up with it. State your boundaries now. If he still ignores them and shows you no respect, then you know this is only going to get worse.

You were attacked and he blamed you and then ignored it!!!! FFS.

Apart from the ridiculous list of selfish and attention seeking behaviour, that is horrible.

You need to sit down and have a serious chat with him. He's being completely ridiculous. Am horrified on your behalf!

Get him to sleep in another room. Don't interrupt your sleep for him. Tell him how ridiculous he's being. What have his friends said? have they noticed anything?

I think this is more than him being a prick. He sounds controlling and deeply not right. Is there not anywhere you can go?? Ps you sound ace, intelligent and funny in the face of adversity. Don't let him run you down.