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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband wants to separate, any advice please?

94 replies

Loriens · 30/06/2014 01:30

Or just a reply really. Tonight I'm feeling very low.Things have been difficult for a few months but lots have gone on in the last year (bereavement, illness, leaving my job etc.) and I was hoping it was just something we could ride out.

Last week he told me that he wants to end the marriage as he wants to be on his own. The house was his before we married, the mortgage was paid off a few years ago and we have no children although my son in his early twenties still lives with us. Tonight I am breaking my heart because all the rentals I am looking at don't take pets and I can't leave without my very much beloved dog. He has said I can stay indefinitely (until we no longer have him) but the atmosphere is terrible and I don't know if I will be able to.

I have know him since I was 14, gone out with him on and off until I was 28 when we became a 'proper' couple and have lived together for the past 12 years marrying 5 years ago. I am just feeling so low at the thought that after 29 years (I'm now 43) we will no longer be friends never mind no longer being husband and wife.

OP posts:
CrystalDeCanter · 30/06/2014 01:50

Oh you poor thing. What a shitty year you've had, all topped off with this.

If you leave, do you have to go to a rental? Aren't you entitled to half the house?? I would get legal advice sharpish if you haven't already. It may mean the difference between renting and buying.

You will be fine you know. Although all must seem very bleak now, trust that life will improve.

Do you work? Do you have some lovely friends to look after you?

Fideliney · 30/06/2014 01:50

Sorry you're having a rough time.

Why do you have to go? Why can't he?

CrystalDeCanter · 30/06/2014 01:51

Oh sorry, just re-read your first para to see you've left your job. Was that because of illness, if so are you better now?

wafflyversatile · 30/06/2014 02:06

Sorry you're going through this.

If you speak to landlords or letting agents you may find they will accept a dog with some extra terms.

Can you calculate or get advice on calculating what chunk of the house equity would be your share? Would it be enough to buy something yourself?

wafflyversatile · 30/06/2014 02:07

Also apply to the council. No harm in going on the list for housing.

Fideliney · 30/06/2014 02:07

Someone posted some links for pet-friendly rental listing websites on another thread this week

Original poster
Loriens · 30/06/2014 02:10

Thank you for replying, I do have lovely friends and family but I can't face talking to them just yet.
The illness was mine (Inflammatory Bowel Disease) and I left my job to get a better work/life balance while I got the illness under control. I had a six week break and then started doing a bit of supply work 3 or 4 days a week which has helped immensely as I am off the high dose steroids for the first time in a year. I also started a short term contract last week as I now feel ready to return to work full time.
The house was his before we got together, I have never contributed to the mortgage (which is now paid off) just paid some of the bills, food etc. He also paid the deposit for my eldest sons house and is named on the mortgage although he has never paid it as it was the only way for DS to get a mortgage. I will leave as I feel the house is his. Just worrying about my old boy.
The bereavement was his friend and I wrote a rather lengthy post a few months ago. Some of the issues rise from this time.

I know I'll be fine just feel so gutted tonight, I honestly thought we were strong.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loriens · 30/06/2014 02:14

Cross posted, council have already told me I am not eligible unless I become completely homeless. I will start trawling the sites it's just that I live in a relatively small town with few rental houses (found 11 so far and most of them are too big or too expensive)
Anyway thanks everyone.

OP posts:
Dirtybadger · 30/06/2014 02:21

Trying to be as practically helpful as possible; check out the Dogs Trust package for tenants and landlords. Advice on letting. "lets with pets" or something along those lines.

Offer a larger deposit.
Offer professional carpet clean when leaving
Emphasize that you will be a long term tenant, seeing as its so hard to find a property
Make a "CV" for your dog: Rusty is quiet, not destructive, vaccinated, insured, neutered, well trained, middle aged and calm, been to training classes, etc.
Anything to make you look responsible and no bother!

CrystalDeCanter · 30/06/2014 02:26

Loriens, before you leave with nothing, please get legal advice. You may well feel that your h has been fair with paying the deposit on your son's house etc but I'm no lawyer but it seems very unfair for you to walk away with nothing. Particularly if your earning ability has been compromised because of illness.

Does your 20yr old son work? Will you both leave and rent together? can you move to a larger town with more options?

I'm so sorry you are going through this, it is heartbreaking when a relationship ends, Flowers for you.

CrystalDeCanter · 30/06/2014 02:28

Oooh, lookee here Dirty Badger, is this what you suggested? [[http://www.letswithpets.org.uk/]]

fifi669 · 30/06/2014 03:59

I think it's very fair she walks away with nothing. As she stated it was his house before, she hadn't paid towards it at all but contributed towards some bills. I would get him to clarify what, if anything, he expects to happen with regards to your sons deposit/name on deeds.

Is there no chance of you staying friends after the split?

bumbumsmummy · 30/06/2014 04:11

So sorry you are going through this please take some legal advice just to dot the I's and cross the T's what if stbxdh decides he wants half of sons house ? Even though he hasn't contributed to it ?

Even if you don't want anything from the house you could use it to secure/offset any claim regarding your sons house

People change during these sort of things who we thought they were can't be relied upon you need some good impartial legal advice

VestaCurry · 30/06/2014 05:05

Get legal advice asap

SanityClause · 30/06/2014 05:30

Do get legal advice, and make sure DS does, as well.

If, which is likely, being on the mortgage also means being on the deeds, your DS may want to buy your STBXH out, perhaps formalising the loan of the deposit.

I understand that you may not feel entitled to any part of your STBXH's house, but if you had not married him, would you be in this position, or is it more likely you would have owned property, yourself, and had the benefit of increases in property values (or not, as the case may be)?

So sorry this is happening to you. Flowers

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/06/2014 05:35

Agreeing with others, please get legal advice before you do anything or agree to anything. Your marriage may only have been five years ago and he may have pre-owned the property but I think you will find you have a claim on the value given that you have been together for 12 years in total. Don't move out in other words.

WildBillfemale · 30/06/2014 07:13

Sorry to hear of your troubles. Please get legal advice, A neighbour was in a similar position, moved in and married H who already owned the house.
From my understanding of her explanantion she was entitled to half of any increase in value of the house after they married - not half the house. It won't be much in this economic climate and may be nothing but please get legal advice.

cozietoesie · 30/06/2014 08:27

So sorry to hear of all your troubles.

This suggestion may well sound a bit out of left field but in the past, I have had a few friends who took up positions as working 'live-ins/housekeepers' to older people. That usually meant that they had free accommodation (usually in a decent sized house) together with some perks in return for either simply being around in the evenings or preparing a very light supper and locking up etc. (They kept their jobs and went out to work during the day.)

It strikes me that as a younger (but mature) woman with no young children, you'd be very well placed to do that sort of thing even though you'd have to dip into it carefully to ensure that you weren't being taken advantage of. Is that something you might consider? (There used to be a publication called 'The Lady' that carried the ads - I don't know if it's still going and still does them - but there would be nothing to stop you placing a small advert somewhere yourself if you found the idea a possibility.)

Original poster
Loriens · 30/06/2014 08:27

Thank you for all your advice and kind thoughts. Reading all your responses is interesting. I am just so shocked and hurt now and not thinking straight about anything.

OP posts:
Fideliney · 30/06/2014 08:29

I am just so shocked and hurt now and not thinking straight about anything.

That's a very good reason to not DO anything just yet. Other than get advice, that is. Flowers

Lovingfreedom · 30/06/2014 08:34

See a solicitor ASAP and before you do anything like move out of the house.

oldgrandmama · 30/06/2014 08:48

Yes, what others have said. PLEASE get legal advice before making any decisions.

VSeth · 30/06/2014 08:54

I would ring agent and ask about your dog, I let out our house (long story) and we advertised no children and no pets but ended up with a nice lady with dog. We considered each interested party on a case by case basis.

Fluffycloudland77 · 30/06/2014 08:55

Surely after a marriage any property becomes a joint asset?

cozietoesie · 30/06/2014 08:57

Afraid not, Fluffy. The OP needs to seek legal advice.