Husband wants to separate, any advice please?

[Loriens]

Or just a reply really. Tonight I'm feeling very low.Things have been difficult for a few months but lots have gone on in the last year (bereavement, illness, leaving my job etc.) and I was hoping it was just something we could ride out.

Last week he told me that he wants to end the marriage as he wants to be on his own. The house was his before we married, the mortgage was paid off a few years ago and we have no children although my son in his early twenties still lives with us. Tonight I am breaking my heart because all the rentals I am looking at don't take pets and I can't leave without my very much beloved dog. He has said I can stay indefinitely (until we no longer have him) but the atmosphere is terrible and I don't know if I will be able to.

I have know him since I was 14, gone out with him on and off until I was 28 when we became a 'proper' couple and have lived together for the past 12 years marrying 5 years ago. I am just feeling so low at the thought that after 29 years (I'm now 43) we will no longer be friends never mind no longer being husband and wife.

You are not pathetic. You are hurt - and that is proof that you valued your marriage and him. You emotionally invested in it, and he squandered it. You can only focus on the waste and the hurt right now.

But you will heal.

So today, he has started divorce proceedings on account of my unreasonable behaviour.
Today I agreed to a final settlement (unless it changes once in writing!)
Today I collected the keys for my new house.
Today I feel like my heart is breaking.
Four weeks ago today we were on holiday...

Hi Loriens,

It is still really early days. Don't be hard on yourself - as unfair as this feels (and IT IS unfair) you wouldn't be feeling this bad if you had done something to deserve this. You haven't. He has - and now because of the nature of the legal system is that as soon as you decide to check out of the marriage, you can no matter what the real circumstances are.

Just don't agree to be responsible for the legal costs - check that paperwork very carefully, as UR assumes the respondent picks up the fees if he ticks that box. Nice tip for you there.

KOKO - I promise you it does get better. As you know this is my 12th week. It's not as raw as it was, and I'm starting to visualise a future for me.

What's also helping me is to read some other posters, whose stories have gone on for more than one thread - and see how much grief they went through and how strong they become. Let them lead the way for you.

And also talking, talking, talking.

Take care, love.

Hugs Lorien.
What a terrible time for you.
Xx

Hey you managed to get a new home? That's wonderful.

Oh loriens you have done do well to get all that sorted.

Well done

But there is no way on gods green earth that I would accept those grounds. No fucking way!!!

I hope you got a good deal OP.
I also really hope you settle into your new home quickly.
Thinking of you at this horrible time.
One day at a time.
You'll get there.

Thanks all, it means a lot to read your words of support.

Truly is one day at a time.

I always thought I was strong and I am feeling/acting so pathetically.

You are not pathetic. You are strong. You're just re-generating right now. I hated people saying I was strong, when I felt pathetic but they were right - it is the hardest part to get through. But all those women who have walked this path will tell you, - you are in the lowest point now. It's when you finally realise that it really is over, they have had time to reconsider and haven't. It really is the most awful of moments.

It is also the day you get your freedom too. Of course, you can grieve for the past but you also can shed the worrying, angst, distrust, irritations and self-absorption that came with your marriage. You can mourn the nicer man that he was previously, but he checked out a while ago. It's a time when you can start to separate the man you loved, with a man you can now hate.

It does get easier. It's my twelve week anniversary of singlehood tonight. I still cry daily, but life feels more manageable, and I'm more focused now. I never thought I'd write that!

As for the terms of your divorce, you can still change your mind if you feel later on that you have done yourself a disservice when you're in a better place to negotiate (rather than just wanting everything over and done with). There is plenty of time for that. Whatever happens - get your own solicitor to check carefully the wording of that financial agreement that you sign. On this matter, do not take your husband 'in good faith' - cos he made them marriage vows in good faith too.

Take care, Loriens, you're managing to work everyday - which is more than I could have done! Well done. x

WWK, yet again you find the right words to say.
As for working everyday, it makes me feel normal for a few hours. I am a bit ashamed to say that today was the first day that I didn't cope well at all. I was totally unfocused so I finished early and came home. Did nothing for a couple of hours just sat in the garden and had a (yet another) cry.
And tonight I cried a little less...

Yes, but it would be much weirder if we didn't cry. We genuinely loved and valued them. Our feelings were real and worthy.

I think that makes us human, and I also think that makes us whole as people.

They squandered it. We didn't waste it.

xx

I had days when I could just manage to get dc to school and spend day in tears and put happy face on at pick up time.
It's grief, grief of a relationship and not understanding why someone you loved put you through this. It does get better. But it's a tough road

Thanks you as as always for the messages, they really really do help!

Sometimes I wonder how I manage to get through the day at work then I'm crying before I even get to the car park.

Had a productive couple of days buying stuff for my new house and cleaning and painting but all the time feeling bewildered that I am actually having to do this.

Another night, still in someone else's spare room until I can move in to my house.
Feeling low tonight and completely destroyed. My mind keeps racing and I am stalking the mobile phone account and counting the communications between him and his 'friend'.
I have told a few people in real life and they are offering support in many ways. It helps but I feel like I want to go to sleep and wake up in a few months time so I don't feel like this.
I feel like I have lost everything-my best friend, my husband, my home, my dog, and even my DS2. I am sad for the life I thought I would have and the one I thought I had...

I know this will pass but it's bloody hard tonight.

I've always believed that as low as you get is as high as you get. Life is a pendulum, what goes up must come down and vice versa.

Life would be much easier if we didn't have hard times. But I wouldn't want to live without the good and great times either.

Focus on the happiness that will one day be the upswing of this divorce. It's a tough day today - no one blames you.

You didn't 'lose' anything, it was taken away. There's the difference.

KOKO.

Just an update really as I have been offline for the last few weeks (too lazy to MN on my phone!)
So now just over seven weeks have passed and what a roller coaster it has been.

I have lived in my new house for just under two weeks. I have received my first solicitor's letter (and my second for not responding to the first).
I have secured a permanent job (don't want to rely on contract work any more) after a rigorous recruitment process and only cry for some of the time...

Sadly, my dog and cat have stayed in the marital home along with my son and I live on my own for the first time in 25 years. I no longer recognise the man that my husband was.

On a positive note I had a pleasant day with a fellow Mumsnetter, something I probably wouldn't have done before all this and with the constant and loving and kindly reassurances of others, I know I will survive this.

It is still hard to process the speed in which my marriage disintegrated and seeing the man I knew disappear. I have made mistakes along the way (no contact is probably the advice I should have listened to) but I think I can see a small slant of light peeking through.

Today I am going to contradict everything in my previous post but who cares...

Today I feel blue and just want to go home. I want to mooch around my very much lived in house, get ready for our week ahead, cook a nice meal to share and spend a lazy day just being in each others company...

I don't want to be here in the little house but 9ish on a Sunday morning seems too early to start the endless visiting to stay out of this house.

I can clean the house but I did that last night when I couldn't sleep.
Plus the 'bonus' of being forced to leave the marital home means most of my belongings are all shiny and new; something else I am resented for - but tough on that one STBXH you made the decision that I was no longer suitable to be your wife and I do need a few items to 'live' and yes I could have taken more from the marital home but my son still lives there. In addition, all the items from OUR marital home are just that, they have no place in the new life you have decided for me.

AS always I will keep on keeping on but today it just feels bloody hard...

Hi OP, I read your thread before and a lot has happened in a few weeks. You sound like you are doing really well, it is still such early days. Those of us who have been through painful splits recognise the emotions you are describing. It's great you have a permanent job, well done! Plan little things, a day at a time. Meeting a friend, seeing your son, doing exercise or hobbies as much as you can. The rawness will pass but it takes time and I'm sure in time you will enjoy your new life and independence. All the very best.

Thanks Sound , I had a busy day in the end and managed to stay out for over 12 hours. I think weekends are definitely worse than weekdays and keeping mind and body active are the only thing to do.

I realise that I am 'luckier' than some, I don't have small children to worry about, I have a job and have managed to secure somewhere to live very quickly. I am fortunate that I am able to furnish it and make it liveable even if I resent every purchase I have to make. Despite the emotional turmoil, my health is remaining stable.

The rawness is very real. I still feel utterly destroyed and while I keep telling myself that things will get easier, on a day like today it seems further away than ever