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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband wants to separate, any advice please?

94 replies

Loriens · 30/06/2014 01:30

Or just a reply really. Tonight I'm feeling very low.Things have been difficult for a few months but lots have gone on in the last year (bereavement, illness, leaving my job etc.) and I was hoping it was just something we could ride out.

Last week he told me that he wants to end the marriage as he wants to be on his own. The house was his before we married, the mortgage was paid off a few years ago and we have no children although my son in his early twenties still lives with us. Tonight I am breaking my heart because all the rentals I am looking at don't take pets and I can't leave without my very much beloved dog. He has said I can stay indefinitely (until we no longer have him) but the atmosphere is terrible and I don't know if I will be able to.

I have know him since I was 14, gone out with him on and off until I was 28 when we became a 'proper' couple and have lived together for the past 12 years marrying 5 years ago. I am just feeling so low at the thought that after 29 years (I'm now 43) we will no longer be friends never mind no longer being husband and wife.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/06/2014 09:00

@Fluffycloudland77... it depends on the circumstances, contributions and - crucially - the length of time passed. If he owned it before marrying and they were splitting up after a year... not so much. But it's been five years of marriage plus another 7 years together before that and the OP will find out that they may not have a 50/50 claim to that particular asset but that it is not 100% his either. Any assets acquired since the marriage are deemed joint unless there was some specific contractual arrangement mutually agreed e.g. the house occupied by the DS.

That's why the OP needs legal advice before doing anything

Original poster

Loriens · 30/06/2014 23:05

Thanks for all the replies, too busy at work to check my thread today especially as only been there a few days.
I will seek legal advice at some point if I need to but not too bothered about the financial side. Really don't know why I went into it it apart from trying to explain why I will be leaving the house.
He has always treated my sons as his own children and the deposit on ds house was a gift as parents with the intention to do the same for the other son at the right time.
Originally, he said he would leave the house for a bit but as happens everyone is telling him that is the wrong thing to do so he isn't now. I don't really want to go into too many details as to out me as they are very specific but I worried about this happening a while ago but deep down didn't believe it would. Now I feel like I have brought it on myself. Alcohol is also playing a big part and as the non-drinker as much as I feel like my heart is breaking (corny I know) today I keep thinking that may be this is for the best. It's such a mess

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 01/07/2014 07:25

Poor you. It's like a bereavement losing someone after all that time.

I think you need to tell your friends and family what's happened, however hard it may be initially to do that, as well as making plans for separate living as soon as you can - living together in these circumstances can be anguish so don't put yourself through it if there's any possible way to avoid it.

Does even your DS know about it?

cozietoesie · 01/07/2014 07:26

Sorry - DSs. I forgot you had more than one.

antimatter · 01/07/2014 07:29

I think if HE wants to end up marriage then HE has to move out.

not too bothered about the financial side - bad, bad atitude - he wants to be free - he has to pay for his freedom!
(sorry to be blunt!)

the sooner you see a solicitor the better!

fifi669 · 01/07/2014 10:56

antimatter the house was his before she came along, she admits she's paid nothing towards it since, why should he move out because their marriage is over? Why should be have to pay for his freedom?

EarthWindFire · 01/07/2014 11:10

Surely after a marriage any property becomes a joint asset?

Yes but depends on the length of marriage. 12 years with no children ia a medium ish length marriage, if you include cohabitation, although OP may be entitled to something it may not be much.

In shorter marriages it can be a case of you take out what you brought in.

EarthWindFire · 01/07/2014 11:14

I think if HE wants to end up marriage then HE has to move out.

Why should he? It is his house.

The advice is often, if possible that neither party should move until the financials are settled.

he wants to be free - he has to pay for his freedom!

This is wrong on so many levels. No one but the OP and her husband know the reason for the marriage breakdown. Financials in divorce are no fault and the court, if you go to court, look at what is fair.

Jan45 · 01/07/2014 14:16

The OP clearly doesn't want to fight him for what she sees as his but you must get legal advice, you are in a marriage so it's complicated and you need to know your rights and entitlements so do it once your head feels better.

Sorry but this screams OW to me, wants to be on his own....really?

Original poster

Loriens · 01/07/2014 21:39

Thank you again for the replies, can I just clarify that while I never made a mortgage payment most of the other household bills were paid by me. I have always worked (apart from the 12 weeks) earning only slightly less than him. I spent the remainder of my money on all the nice things we did ad he saved for the big things. It worked for us, however, I am not going after a house that I don't consider to be mine. I am still here because I want to believe we can work through this.
As for who did what there is blame on both sides as with most relationships.
The DSs know and are gutted and I will tell people soon, I suppose I just have to accept that this is it.
Thank you for all your comments, keep them coming it all helps...

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 02/07/2014 00:58

Sometimes a relationship has just run its course. The H at least is saying that the OP can stay as long as she wishes and not throwing her out - it's possible that he intends to make the break as fair as possible. Negotiating a fair and amicalbe split can be done.

Original poster

Loriens · 02/07/2014 20:50

Apologies for my lack of responses, have just started new job and don't want to be checking phone all the time.
So it's another day and things are still difficult. Have started looking for rental properties but don't want to rush things in case there is a still a chance we can work through things. But on the other hand, how do you move on from this if we do agree to work things out? How do you get over all the hurt?

I'm probably worrying about this for nothing anyway and I'm starting to get angry that he wants to separate now but but when times were tough over the last year I stood by him and supported him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Loriens · 02/07/2014 21:56

So tonight I want to cry and feel sorry for myself. The little things are getting to me. I suppose in a way it is fortunate that we have little contact this week due to work commitments but it is the lack of communication that is tearing me apart. Knowing that he will be having a break at work and not texting to see how my day has gone or me seeing how his evening is.

Wondering if he will come home from work in the morning when he finishes or will he come in just as I am leaving as he did yesterday

How long I am going to be an idiot for not accepting it is over and move out.

How long until the knot in my stomach goes away and I don't see yet another 3, 4, 5 am.

Wondering if his reason for separating is the real one or the one I have in the back of my mind. Making me feel like I am paranoid, yet angry that he will throw his marriage away for this. Is he having the breakdown his family think he is? Is he depressed and grieving? He says he loves me but how can he?

And why do I still want to try and make this work when I feel so hurt and why am I, a usually strong and rational person waiting for a man to change his mind so that my life will go back to normal?

I have been through a break up before and why on earth has it never felt like this?

OP posts:

Fluffycloudland77 · 02/07/2014 22:02

I'm so sorry he's done this to you, if you have a new job can you move out?

We rented with pets, landlords say no pets but you can often pay a slightly higher deposit or pay for a professional deep clean when/if you move out.

I hope you get time to see a lawyer.

settingsitting · 02/07/2014 22:03

I feel very sorry for you.
I am guessing that it is also relationship advice that you are after?
I have never gone through what you are experiencing so cant advise you on that side of things.

You say he wants a break. What would happen if you said well I am going away for a mini break holiday but will be back on monday?

Original poster

Loriens · 02/07/2014 22:16

FluffyI can move out I suppose, even without the job I can support myself for a while, I am hoping that there is still a chance while I stay and then I am angry with myself for not just going...I have spoke to a letting agent and he has advised much the same as you , it will be about negotiating with the owner.

setting sitting I thought of doing just that, my lovely ex colleagues bought me a very generous hotel voucher when I left my job earlier in the year and I could go and have a pretty luxurious break (and the hotel is pet friendly).Maybe I'll wait for a bit though. As for advice, I suppose I do want it but I'm not entirely sure what advice I want, I think I am just ranting. I have told a couple of people in real life but don't want to have a proper conversation until I can trust myself not to cry

OP posts:

PattyPenguin · 03/07/2014 06:55

Loriens, I know you say you don't want to claim anything on the house, but look at it like this.

You paid most of the bills, which meant your husband could use his income to pay the mortgage. You both contributed to the household outgoings, but only he gets anything tangible from his contributions. How is that fair?

If he'd been paying the mortgage and half the bills, then I'd be less inclined to argue. But in that case you might have had enough left from your salary to save for a rainy day - such as this one.

settingsitting · 03/07/2014 06:58

I was just thinking that it would give him a little space to properly have a think. And there is a slight chance of absence makes the heart grow fonder.
The hotel voucher may not be quite the right place for now. But somewhere else may just have a chance of changing the status quo. Because what is happening presently doesnt have much of a chance of a happy ending.

areyoumymother · 03/07/2014 10:18

I'm so sorry this has happened to you

Just wanted to say that we have always managed to get our golden retriever into rental properties by doubling the deposit and emphasising that she's very old and quiet (she's well trained but not old at all).

Original poster

Loriens · 03/07/2014 21:58

Thank you again, you have all given me some useful and kind advice. My labrador is old and well trained so that may be a bonus. Not looking like a happy ending but we'll get used to it I suppose.
Just shocked, really thought we were strong.

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 05/07/2014 07:47

How are you doing this morning?

tiredandsadmum · 05/07/2014 07:58

Your length of relationship will count in a divorce for asset splitting including pensions and real estate, so please as everyone has said do get proper legal advice.

holeinmyheart · 05/07/2014 10:27

I have read through the posts to check, but no one has mentioned the possibility that this may not be the end of your marriage. You have known each other and been together a long time. I don't want to give you false hope ( because there is always the possibility he has an OW) but I have seen the situation, more than once, where after an interval of a few months, given time to think, the situation has been reassessed by both parties. You might find if you move out and move on, he will come crawling back. The boot will be on the other foot then. Try to remain as dignified as possible and try and get out and find something to enjoy. I know it is damn hard and I don't consider him a prize either. You do need a plan though. Weeping hasn't influenced him so far to change his mind, perhaps, you on the arms of another bloke would make a dent in his hardness. If you want something you need a plan to get it. Put an ad in the local shop yourself about the accommodation. I once let to a woman with a dog accidentally. I interviewed her and really liked her and then she told me about the dog afterwards. Sneaky, but she stayed for years and it was Ok.

Original poster

Loriens · 05/07/2014 22:41

Today has been difficult, lack of sleep and a bad night all round has left me feeling even more raw. I still want to believe there is hope but a part of me can't see how we get beyond this.

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 06/07/2014 07:22

I gather there's another person involved in his wanting to separate? Did he stay out last night?

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