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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband wants to separate, any advice please?

94 replies

Loriens · 30/06/2014 01:30

Or just a reply really. Tonight I'm feeling very low.Things have been difficult for a few months but lots have gone on in the last year (bereavement, illness, leaving my job etc.) and I was hoping it was just something we could ride out.

Last week he told me that he wants to end the marriage as he wants to be on his own. The house was his before we married, the mortgage was paid off a few years ago and we have no children although my son in his early twenties still lives with us. Tonight I am breaking my heart because all the rentals I am looking at don't take pets and I can't leave without my very much beloved dog. He has said I can stay indefinitely (until we no longer have him) but the atmosphere is terrible and I don't know if I will be able to.

I have know him since I was 14, gone out with him on and off until I was 28 when we became a 'proper' couple and have lived together for the past 12 years marrying 5 years ago. I am just feeling so low at the thought that after 29 years (I'm now 43) we will no longer be friends never mind no longer being husband and wife.

OP posts:
heyday · 06/07/2014 16:19

Has he given you any indication that he wants to try again because your original post sounds like he has said that he wants to end the relationship. He has been reasonable in saying you can stay as long as you want and I think you should take up that offer whilst you look for a way forward in your life. However, it sounds like this is the end of the line and you are wrong to stay believing that there is a hope you may get back together again. You have known him for a long time and parting will be painful. You need to grieve for the ending of this relationship, try to re build your life and who knows, in time you may well become friends again.

frames · 06/07/2014 16:28

My tenant had a dog and children.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 06/07/2014 17:16

29 years is a long time to be together but how long ago was it you could truthfully say your DH

Makes you feel loved
Is still your best friend
Is honest and hides nothing from you
Gives as much as he takes

If someone no longer listens it's difficult talking to them.

You mentioned bereavement it may be that he has struggled to deal with his grief. Or is he too invested in supporting another person with their (her) grief?

Drinking - is that relatively recent or has it always been a factor?

I agree it is wise to look into exiting and trying to limit damage. Take back some power.

By investigating the legal side of things you are neither forcing the pace nor upping the ante.

Original poster
Loriens · 06/07/2014 21:43

Thank you for all the replies, Donkeys I could honestly say that until March this year I would have agreed with all of your statements.
He has really struggled to deal with his grief and heavily over invested in support but we agreed a set of 'ground rules' when it started to become a problem. I also supported her as much as I could and actually thought we had become close friends (the bereaved and I ). He and I actually seemed closer than ever.
The reason we are separating is nothing to do with her, he says! It is something else (and that I could, would have to accept)
He now says he is only supporting her because I never let him do it and she is supporting him through this (separation) as his friend. Of course the night he stays out all night is the 1 year anniversary of the death and they all (a big gang) had spent the day drinking. I have been out all day today just popping back in and out and he has now gone out again. I don't expect him home and to be honest tonight feels a bit easier.
He still says he loves me but his head is fucked, he has said he will go to counselling 'if it helps you'(me) and he doesn't know what to do but can't live like this. Of course he then sobered up...
He has always drank ( I don't drink at all so hard for me to judge) but it has gone progressively worse.
A landlord I emailed this morning said he didn't really want dogs but has agreed for me to view the house anyway. It won't be ready for a few weeks but is perfect (albeit slightly more than I want to pay) so fingers crossed.
That's about it for now, took two tramadol (UC starting to flare) and hoping for more than the 1 hour 20 mins sleep I have had since Thursday.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loriens · 06/07/2014 22:55

Hmmm sleep not as easy as I thought, it's the shutting eyes that seems to be the problem and my brain goes into overdrive. Roll on work tomorrow so I don't have to think (well I do but not about this)

OP posts:
Caramelle · 06/07/2014 23:40

I've just caught up on this and wanted to say I'm so sorry he has dropped this bomb on you. I hope you can get some sleep tonight, you must be completely exhausted!

Original poster
Loriens · 06/07/2014 23:48

I am exhausted and angry at myself for letting someone make me feel like this.

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 06/07/2014 23:57

Hello, love.

Just that really - to say I understand the hurt and pain. You don't need to rush anything, and in fact I would advise against it right now. You're going to be suffering whether you stay in the home, or you move out of it.

What you do need to do is get legal advice - it won't minimise the pain, but it does help you feel a little more in control of the situation. You'll be amazed by what you learn: they can't just cancel the marriage and make a token gesture. They can't just write you off like that. I found that reassuring - although you may have to fight quite a bit to protect your rights.

What I'm finding is my anger came once I got legal advice: I was made aware of what my rights were, and coincidentally: my darling husband became cunt of the century. It kind of helps to be able to hate him, whilst at the same time mourn the marriage. It stops me being sad all the time.

The other thing you need to do is tell people what's going it. I can honestly say that is the best thing to do right now, as people are very willing to help you get through each day. I regret not telling anyone for two weeks, and really regret pretending all was okay with the world. It isn't, and it wasn't.

It it absolutely awful what you're going through, I know the sleep deprivation doesn't help. Don't be afraid to see your GP and get signed off work if you feel unable to function. This is a very traumatic thing to experience. Your are emotionally and mentally battered. If he'd beaten you physically to the same extent, you'd not hesitate to call in sick whilst you recover.

If you want to talk, PM me.

Take care, WWK.

Original poster
Loriens · 09/07/2014 22:01

Feeling a little stronger today and I am beginning to make a few decisions. I still cry a lot but today I think there were longer gaps between.
Work is manageable as I don't know anyone and I am fine while I have something to occupy my mind. Bit of a Godsend really, as are the wonderful people who are listening to me rambling on.

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 09/07/2014 22:06

You're not rambling on - you're processing what's happened and learning that he's been a very selfish, unreasonable person.

Chin up, legal advice and take each day as it comes. You're going to be amazing at the end of this.

trickydickie · 11/07/2014 00:25

How are you today? I just read this post last night and am wondering how you are today. Please seek legal advice before you leave.

King1982 · 11/07/2014 06:13

I'm conflicted about staking a claim on the house. If you didn't have children together and therefore didn't give up your earning potential. Then, I would feel a bit bad about trying to take a %. There is the argument that it is your home. Then purchase it off him.
Regarding your son's house. Morally, he should pay him back. But it will depend if the mortgage provider is happy to let your ex come off the mortgage payment. I think paying your ex back will be the best way to go (with out paying back inflation and housing price rises, your son will be the winner)

ForTheLoveOfSocks · 11/07/2014 10:04

King then he should pay back his 50% of the bills she paid.

trickydickie · 11/07/2014 10:46

How are you today Loriens? Are you able to talk to anyone in rl about this? Hope you are managing.

Oliver111 · 11/07/2014 11:16

I underline the advice about getting excellent legal help now, accepting your legal entitlement, safeguarding your son's house and divorcing asap while there is still good will (this will diminish now). Legally and morally he should not cast you aside on whim after years of closeness and not be responsible for a decent future for you.

Your mourning belongs in another box, keep good sense and sadness clearly separated.

Original poster
Loriens · 13/07/2014 21:27

Not been on MN for few days. Thanks for asking about me
Still feel utterly devastated but thanks to talking to people (MN and real life) I am slowly starting to accept this. NO that's a lie- I have to accept it but still spend most of my time crying, wanting to cry, trying not to cry and crying.

It is interesting to read people's thoughts and opinions- King - morally, my son's house deposit (and name on mortgage) was a gift as a step parent; from someone who has been a massive part of his life for over sixteen years ( bio father NC) and was considered a gift from both of us as parents. The deposit was not a loan so will not be returned, taking the name of the mortgage is a different matter.

Anyway, to update the last few days--I have viewed a couple of rentals, cried to a bemused landlord and am currently residing in the spare room. It is difficult and I feel constantly on the go trying to stay out of the house as much as possible, particularly after I received a rather strange ultimatum. Yes, things are deteriorating rather quickly.

Work is a gift, so I am working as long a day as possible. Although I am only a contractor at the moment there is a possibility of a permanent job in same field which I have been shortlisted for. I really want it for both financial security and because it keeps my mind busy all day.

I still feel totally overwhelmed and disbelieving that it is over, most of the time utterly destroyed. Loving someone was never supposed to be this hard. The people that I have told are absolutely shocked although had noticed a change during the past three months and one person had advised him to have counselling. They though he was still grieving.

I want to say that I am moving on but most of the time still feel like I am holding, I always thought I was strong and I am feeling/acting so pathetically.

OP posts:
doziedoozie · 13/07/2014 21:49

So where did your earnings go OP? Who bought the food over the many years? Did you blow it all on beauty treatments and hand bags? Grin I'm pretty sure you must be due something if you walk away leaving him the house.

See a solicitor.

Also 43 sounds in the prime of life for me, though I'm sure you won't agree, but try to look at it as starting a new phase of your life (possibly happier than yours has been for a while!).

Original poster
Loriens · 13/07/2014 22:30

Well doziedoozie, I did have a manicure before I went on holiday recently and bought a rather nice beach bag Grin

On a serious note, I think I am so bloody frustrated that while it has been a difficult year with everything going on I believed it was just a difficult time that we would get through because we were strong. I never felt unhappy until the last three months or so when we began arguing and I didn't know why (thought it was another phase of grief). Now feel like I should have seen this coming -frustrated grrrr!

OP posts:
Original poster
Loriens · 14/07/2014 21:45

Another day has passed, I have booked a viewing for another house and made an appointment with the solicitors. Could be considered a productive day!

Still seems surreal though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loriens · 21/07/2014 22:28

I really want to be writing that today is the first day of the rest of my life, it is I suppose. It just isn't the life I had planned.
I am currently living in another spare room, I left at the weekend. Things became too difficult and I was practically forced out.
I just feel I have lost everything...
I know it will get better, I just wish it was now.

OP posts:
CharlotteCollins · 21/07/2014 22:51

Sorry, OP. It must feel very bleak at the moment. It will take a while to adjust to a new reality.

Was the solicitor helpful?

Doitforme · 22/07/2014 01:00

Just read your story OP. Sorry, it all sounds shit doesn't it. From what you have written I think he and the female are having an affair despite what he says. It could blow over when its all out in the open though.
Try to do little things for yourself each day that make you happy.

Original poster
Loriens · 22/07/2014 06:57

Thank you for your messages, the solicitor was useful in the sense that I understand the facts and for me to have clarification on legal entitlement. It has enabled me to negotiate a deal with him.

He still swears nothing is going on but spends all his time with her, I wish he would just acknowledge that he is. Blaming me and then doing this is even more hurtful. On Friday I believed what he said and even felt sorry for him. Now he is just making me sad and angry.

I never used to be this pathetic...

OP posts:
Vole3 · 22/07/2014 07:25

You are not pathetic, you are wonderful, loving, giving woman who has had her world torn apart by the person she thought loved her and is doing her level best to understand why and not being told the truth.

The truth hurts, but not as much as being disrespected, lied to and patronised.

Jan45 · 22/07/2014 11:12

So there is an OW?

OP, do not engage with him unless you really have to, yes he's treated you appallingly but that's his flaw, not yours, carry on as you are, you will get through this and in time, will see him for what he really is.