Husband left tonight. In total shock

[nicand2]

Here alone with no one to talk to, 2 young boys are asleep, don't know how I will get thru the night

Well, 24 hours on and still feel just as heartbroken, although a little less shaky and so exhausted I will probably get to sleep tonight which is an improvement on last night. Thanks everyone x

Big hugs xo

It is early days. Give yourself a break. You will have to grieve the relationship while trying to figure out what will happen. It is tough.

Try to sleep as much as possible and eat well (not just in quantity). But remember that you will be ok on your own. A relationship should be a good thing in your life, not make it worse.

It's very early days to think that you will start to feel better, you have got a lot of grieving to work through yet, and a lot of difficult decisions still to make.

Rest when you can, even if you don't sleep, go to bed and rest. Stick to simple meals for you and the boys, use internet shopping if it makes things easier.

Hope you and your boys are coping

Wide awake again.

Trying to think about what I want but what I want is for things to return to normal as they were just a few months ago. Our relationship was good, it wasn't as if it was failing and this was a symptom of that. Things were good.

I know I can't put in the effort for both of us though

That is great. You know what you want. But as someone said before you need to be strong and unflinching.

You either go back to what it was ( and you never know, with all this it may get better) or you go your separate ways. No compromises.

You have every right to be in a relationship where your partner is engaged and involved.

I'm not sure that it is true that we all have a right to a relationship where your partner is engaged.

However I do think we all have a right to end a relationship when we want to.

The key thing here is that he doesn't really want to change.

I don't think your situation is un-fixeable, but HE has to be willing to listen to you and he has to want to fix things. You can't fix him. Only he can fix himself. He needs to be willing to go to counseling (couples & individual) to try to fix your marriage.

Unfortunately, you can't just go back to the way it was, you've crossed that particular Rubicon. You've realized there was a problem. That can't be undone. Trying to ignore it won't work, it's always there like a crack in a mirror. You can still see yourself, but the reflection isn't quite right.

All you can do now is try to figure out what you want in the future. Please, I beg you, don't settle for things as they are. Don't try to tell yourself that what you have now is better than nothing. Because it isn't. Everyone who has left an unhappy marriage will tell you that.

I can see his point where he is saying that messaging and marriage are two separate things to him.

However.... He decided to have an escape from RL into friendships he built with people he met online. I think he has to face that and understand that by doing this he isolated himself from you. He doesn't see that his behaviour gives very odd messages to you.
Perhaps both of you need to go to couples counseling (and perhaps individual counseling too) and work on

Those are real people but not everything they say is true. You and his sons are the real people in his life whose problems he has to start putting first.

nic you say now your relationship was good but you have also said earlier that your relationship has not been good for the last year? I still think that all this angst about what you want him to do regarding ceasing contact with women online might turn out to be not the issue. I feel that he has done more that just contact faceless women. Please be prepared to find that there is the possibility of an affair of some sort.

Reading what he has said to you I think it is clear that he no longer has any emotional investment in you or the children and is seeking solace with strangers.
DH looked at the thread and said "he doesn't love her any more".

This may sound devastating but I think DH is correct - your DH is way out of line but is trying to make you to be the unreasonable one. But it is his neglect of his family that is the issue here - he really doesn't want to know.
If he has so much love and empathy and reconciliation skills how come his own marriage is appalling? Would he pay attention to you if you messaged him? Why does he find messages from strangers more important than real life?
I think he is living in a fantasy world now and these nameless, naive strangers give him the validation he thinks he should have.

I don't think this is worth fighting for - he has made his choice and he wants nameless slavish followers on text message over his family life.

The fact he won't admit he has done anything wrong means the situation can't be saved. I assume he wants you to shut up and let him carry on - this appears to be his view based on this thread, so in that case, it is over.

idiots
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