Husband left tonight. In total shock

[nicand2]

Here alone with no one to talk to, 2 young boys are asleep, don't know how I will get thru the night

Yes I want things to work more than anything and he always says he does too but it's like a kind of addiction.
I don't know how to make things better or get past the hurt he's caused.
I know it's not an affair but it's a great big load of ego stroking for him

My boys are 7 and 9 . 9 year old has Aspergers . Devastated for them too as they went to bed expecting to wake up with dad still at home. Have got organised for tomorrow (thank you!)

He is the only one who can decide not to message other women.
Nothing you can do except accept him doing it or breaking up.

He has left now, but I wouldn't be surprised if he offered to go back if you don't make a big fuss.

But you have seen what is important to him, and it's not you. :( Don't chase him up or accept him back, unless there are strict boundaries on your part.

It is, in effect, an emotional affair. It takes energy and time from your relationship (and money?). There could also be an element of addiction.

Is there anything you can do that will help you physically relax?

It's not an addiction for him, it's a choice.

He is choosing to do whatever the hell he wants despite being told a number of times how this hurts you.

I don't think it would have fizzled out. I think he would have kept on taking his happiness at the cost of your misery. If you can't live with it long term its best to make that clear. You could have spent years living with this,and worse, which you've spared yourself. You can't make him want family life if he doesn't, but you can make him choose between a family life which is acceptable to both of you, and online friends. it is total crap of him though, grrrr on your behalf, double grrrr even.

To be honest the more I think I should have made it harder for him ages ago, I've let him get away with it. Maybe this will be a wake up for him although I've allowed myself to get hurt now and not sure how easy it is to get over

I don't think there was anything you could have done.
You gave him chances because you valued your relationship and your family. He didn't.

You seem a lot calmer as your posts go on. It helps on here but you will need RL support but I understand about not wanting to make it real by saying it out loud.

Please don't think that if you had left it alone it would have fizzled out. You have done nothing wrong. He knew it upset you, he should have moved heaven and earth to stop messaging and make it up to you.

How about him taking responsibility for what he's doing? It sounds like he should have put the effort he's putting into stroking hos ego into being there for you and your DS. He needs to step up, be a man, a husband and a father - not some pretend single man messaging strange women!!

If I want things to work how do I do it? What more can I do than ask him to stop? How will I ever know he has? I can't ask him to get rid of his phone ( although I would quite happily bin the thing) he insists it's no different than talking to people at the pub but the way this silly girl fawned over him tonight made me sick

Does he want things to work?
That is the main question.
If so, then you can decide if you accept him or not.
He should tell you what he plans to do. It's not for you to tell guide him.

Yes I am feeling a bit calmer, it really has helped to type on here and I am very grateful for all your replies. I go from feeling very sad to very angry and the situation he's created

He always says he wants it to work and that he realises it's not acceptable but then he has some sending him a message which says ' I miss you so much, you help me so much etc' that he ends up replying. Over the last few months there have been times when he has made a real effort to make things work but then it slips back and it's got so tiring

A few weeks ago he said it would all end and he sent messages out to people saying he wouldn't be contacting them anymore. We had a very open chat about what had happened and that it couldn't continue which is what made me so mad when I saw messages from a different person tonight

He tells me he's helping all these people and that their lives are a mess and they have no one to talk too but he seems to think it's ok for him to do that whilst I put the kids to bed and then spend the evening alone.

Why can't he see how much strain that puts on our relationship and how dangerous it is why would he risk all that

How does he even get in contact with these people?

I mean, how does he start to get in contact? Where has he found them?

Regardless of what he does, he's turning his back on his family. It could be computer games or something else, but he's not there, is he?

It was through kik and what's ap although I don't know how it all works. He has deleted the sites now but he contacts thru i message now he has their details I suppose

I don't have kik and what's app. Why does he need it.

Truth us, you can't try enough for both of you. He didn't want to put your feelings before or his perceived made up needs of strangers.

Why hasn't he changed his number?

He hasn't changed his number because he says he thinks he is helping them and they have no one else. He tries to tell me it's all innocent but he misses the point

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Maybe you need a list of non negosiables (sorry about spelling). A list of things he needs to do. Have that clear in your mind for when he comes back.

For example. He needs a phone, but he doesn't need a smart phone.

When it all goes wrong he confesses and says it will stop but then tries to convince me I read too much into it.

If I say it's me or the messaging he will say it's me but then over the weeks it will gradually start again

How do I make him see it doesn't work in a marriage? He's never left before, maybe deep down he doesn't want me

Maybe he is one of those people who likes to fix people. A collector of lame ducks so he can fix them.

But you are right, the time and engergy he is putting into them and not into you and your sons unforgivable.

Another one could be, phone on the table and not to be touch once he comes home every evening.