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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband left tonight. In total shock

137 replies

nicand2 · 29/06/2014 22:54

Here alone with no one to talk to, 2 young boys are asleep, don't know how I will get thru the night

OP posts:
Lweji · 30/06/2014 11:45

Sorry, Allalonenow

Original poster
nicand2 · 30/06/2014 11:55

Thank you everyone, some great support and advice.

Deep down I know I have to regain control of this from him as at the moment he is calling the shots which is frustrating and upsetting. It should be me telling him I don't want to talk to him until he works out what's important.

OP posts:
Original poster
nicand2 · 30/06/2014 12:44

Just tried to phone him and it got very nasty with him telling me I was making a huge fuss and should have been more accepting about how he lives his life. He told me to get a life. He says he hates me now and is putting the house on the market so things look bleaker than I'd hoped for

OP posts:
Original poster
nicand2 · 30/06/2014 12:45

Do I call my parents now?

OP posts:
Doitforme · 30/06/2014 12:47

He does sound like he is punishing you for making him feel bad. Has he punished you in the past for things he thinks you are wrong about? Other than this how is your relationship. Does he tell you that he feels neglected by you. It sounds like he is thinking he is neglected and these online ladies need him and that makes him feel important to them. Maybe he doesn't feel important to you?

I would also be aware, as some others have said, that there may already be another woman involved here.

Lweji · 30/06/2014 12:48

Yes, I think it's time for RL support.

Bastard.

Doitforme · 30/06/2014 12:49

Well after your last post nic I really do think he is having an affair. Sorry but he seems to have worked this all out.

Original poster
nicand2 · 30/06/2014 12:51

He told me I should have let him calm down and that I've pushed him into a corner.
The relationship got neglected badly last year whilst we were having huge problems with our autistic son, that was the start of it all.
Relationship has always been strong up til now

OP posts:
FunkyFlanFlinger · 30/06/2014 12:58

I have just read the entire thread, I am so sorry that you are going through this.

I think that your DS1 having ASD is being used as a smokescreen by him, what I mean is that although you are thinking this is what caused the rift in the relationship in recent times. In reality the rift may have already been there and it is just conveniently being used by him which is a vile thing to do to your child.

I would say this as well, he has gone last night and got this defensive already? That makes me think there is a lot more that you do not know, I think this perhaps was more than an EA, perhaps it was an affair in RL as well.

Sorry, OP.

FFF x

meadowquark · 30/06/2014 13:04

How interesting nic.. I also have two boys, one potentially with the same diagnosis and a husband who is all immersed in his phone chats and also puts blame on me if whenever I dare to question him. My H locks his phone but accidently I know his password. He chats ups girls from his home country and there is a certain interest from his side, i.e. pretends to be single, calls deminutive names, persists with chats etc.

There was time a while ago where he had signed up to dating sites and blamed me because I don't cook for him and I don't give enough of sex. I tried to be the perfect wife for few months, but it has made no difference.

I am am saving up to see a lawyer. I don't want to split up; I want proper divorce just need to make sure I play it right.

I used to have doubts about letting him be and save our marriage (after all he does not know that I know), but recently a clear understanding hit me that this is it, time to call quits. Everyone to their own time!

Good luck OP.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/06/2014 13:31

Sorry the phone conversation didn't go well.
I'd put money on OW appearing pretty soon.
This screams of 'affair' to me.
I had my doubts earlier on but after your last update it looks like it it is.
He's got his get out and it's all your fault. Or so he seems to think.
It is NOT your fault.
I'd go no contact for a while and tell him not to come back to the house.
And he can't just put it on the market by the way.
You may well be able to stay in the marital home with your DSs.
Get on line a look for a solicitor who does a free half hour consultation.
Get onto CAB and see what you are entitled to as benefits and tax credits etc.. without him.
Then CSA (or something similar now) and find out what child maintenance you would be entitled to.
Once you are armed with this (do it fast) then you can have a conversation from a position of strength.

Sorry this is happening to you. I really hope I'm wrong!

Vivacia · 30/06/2014 13:43

I think the threat about the house is him trying to get you back in line.

It's ok for you to want to be happy. You don't have to tolerate something that makes you unhappy.

If it was a case of you being unreasonable and needing to "get a life" then he wouldn't have said the things he has about knowing it's a bad habit that damages your relationship and that needs to stop. He wants to have his cake and eat it.

Lweji · 30/06/2014 13:47

When you can or feel capable, it will be a good idea to get legal advice so that he can't throw the "I'm selling the house" on you.

Aussiemum78 · 30/06/2014 13:51

Are you sure the people he messages live far away? How does he initiate a convo with a random to start with? I think kik requires that you know the user name, there isn't a search function that I know of.

The other thing I'm worried about. Kik is basically used by preteens and teens (at least here it is). The messages sound juvenile. It would be odd for a man to be forming online relationships with teen girls. Please be wary.

Doitforme · 30/06/2014 13:52

I also think that him asking you for help to cut of ties with other women online was him trying to end whatever it was that he knew was completely wrong. He thought that by involving you in it that it would make him come to his own senses but I don't think it did.

Allalonenow · 30/06/2014 14:03

I do hope you contact your parents now nic, you really need that support that you will get from them.

Like others, I think the phone call was very telling, he is trying to blame you for everything, and it is probably a smoke screen for his real actions. Be prepared for more to be revealed soon.

He can't simply decide to put the house on the market, it is your family home, and an asset of the marriage.

You need to start taking practical steps to find out what you are entitled to, what he will need to pay the children. Start gathering paperwork today, his NI number, wage slips, pension information, savings, he left the house suddenly so it should all be there ready to collect. Start a dossier, at this time more than any other, knowledge is power.

Also start a detailed journal, his story will change so that he presents himself in a good light to everyone, your record will prove what a slimeball he is.

Original poster
nicand2 · 30/06/2014 14:28

Thanks everyone. Just had a cry with a friend and told the whole sorry story. It was a step in between involving my parents right now. She has given me much the same advice as everyone on here and that I must think of myself. I am slowly coming out of the shock by getting support from others. I am really young to try and back off and cut contact for a few days. Need to think of a fib for DS's though as to where Dad is

OP posts:
Lweji · 30/06/2014 14:32

At the moment you can tell them that he's working away, surely.

And well done for telling a friend.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/06/2014 14:53

nic you need to see a solicitor, hopefully before you see DH. Not that a split is inevitable, but so that you are informed of what your legal rights are so he can't bully or threaten you about the house/maintenance. YY to gathering documents. You aren't making an irrevocable decision by doing so, you are simply protecting yourself.

The only one who has 'backed him into a corner' is himself. I hate to say this, but I think he may have been wanting 'out' to some degree and was too much of a coward to tell you. He's blown this totally out of proportion, IMO, so that he can make himself feel no guilt about it.

If you don't feel you can tell your parents yet (I do think you should) is there someone in RL in whom you can confide? Unfortunately, I think you're in for a bumpy ride.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/06/2014 14:55

Didn't see your last post. I'm glad you spoke to a friend. Now speak to a solicitor.

Mumyum1 · 30/06/2014 15:26

I have read this whole thread - I am so sorry for what you are going through. DH plays an online game where he is head of an imaginary gangster crew and they chat constantly to strategise and what not. He tells me it's lawyers bankers etc men and women just looking to escape to fantasy land and unwind. I told him I don't give a rats arse. I told his mother that if he doesn't buck up then soon she will be grandmother to child with a single mom. I didn't mean to tell her, she made some comment about how wonderful her son was, I reacted. Anyway. He has now finished with that nonsense. Nipped in the bud. There is still chance for you to save this marriage if that's what you want, but you will have to be very strong and tough and unflinching. About your boundaries etc. You need to keep a journal. Of the story. But also your thought and feelings so you can look back and judge whether you are 'going soft' or deviating from your course. Knowledge is power. Call his bluff. Tell your parents. I think he is counting on you to be weak and alone, remember your parents want what's best for you. Tell them they need to give you support but also space, they need to help you with your sons etc but that u need them not to add to your stress by telling lots of 'things'. They will get it. Speak to a lawyer for sure. Equip yourself. I don't he is expecting you to do so if he thinks he can bluster about selling the house. He is trying to bully you. He is a coward. They turn tail when u fight back. If you can't muster the energy and anger required to fight him for yourself, then think of your ds's being abandoned by someone they looked up to. And their hurt and anger. And channel that rage. I don't know you but I believe in you and I believe you will e strong. In 10 years from now, you need to be able to look back and know u did the right thing for yourself and your boys. And that you didn't waste 10 years fighting for a loser.

Original poster
nicand2 · 30/06/2014 16:20

Thank you again to everyone and to mumyum1 for believing in me.

I have asked him if he just wanted out of the marriage and this was an excuse and he said no messaging and marriage were 2 separate things to him.

Things have calmed down a bit and I'm just concentrating on keeping everything normal for DS's

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 30/06/2014 16:54

But they aren't two different things! That's what he just doesn't 'get'. One is affecting the other and he needs to decide which is the more important. Every single thing we do is a part of our relationships, NOTHING is 'separate'.

We joke that we are addicted to MN, but if our OH seriously said our time here was affecting our marriages/relationships, how many of us would take a serious look at the time we spend here and whether or not it was taking us away (physically or emotionally) from our LOs? I know I would. I think most of us would.

I think he needs counseling. He's invested too much of himself into 'being the hero' to a bunch of anonymous women. Even if it's innocent, it's a part of him that should be invested in his wife and children. He should want his family to think of him as their hero, not faceless messagers.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/06/2014 16:57

Use this time apart to think about what YOU truly want, nica. Try to think of it as a respite time to calm and regroup. Take a look at your life together as a whole rather than just this one part of it. Then you may be able to see things more clearly as far as what is worth keeping and what is worth changing.

Mumyum1 · 30/06/2014 17:53

I agree with acrossthepond in fact I was just walking with the pram thinking if DH said to me it was affecting our relationship the amount of time I spend on MN then I would stop. No contest.
I also agree that it's not about what he wants only. You are not a passive onlooker here, it's also YOUR LIFE. You're not a Stepford wife for crying out loud. You have a say in your own future. And so what if he said your marriage and the messaging are different issues. YOU clearly don't feel they are. This is what the entire episode has been about. That he doesn't see how the one affects the other, so don't get mind***d into seeing things from his viewpoint. Remember this is not about him. And even if you do decide you would like to make it work, please know that you won't be judged here, we all have to do what we feel we need to. But make him work for it. Go for couples counselling alongside his own separate counselling. Make than an absolute condition of 'allowing him back' - as he left he no longer has he option of just pitching up as and when he feels like it. When he walked through that door he left behind much more that he took for granted, apart from his family!!!