Husband left tonight. In total shock

[nicand2]

Here alone with no one to talk to, 2 young boys are asleep, don't know how I will get thru the night

Yes he works very long hours in a pressured job which means he is exhausted when he gets home and this was a social thing which involved little effort.

He did start to talk about them more as it came out in the open, even asked what I should say when he was telling them that he had to get on with RL and break contact. I tried to understand as much as I could but whilst feeling hurt

Feel even more sick this morning , 1 ds off to school 1 more to go but then what? Feel like I am in a living nightmare that has no end

Has he contacted you since he left?

Where is he staying?

With his parents not far away. Some text messages saying he's done nothing wrong and he loves me

It is wrong - because it upsets you and is taking away from your marriage.

Please take your time to really think about how this will move forward.

The more I think the more confused I get

It is wrong. He is doing something which he knows deeply upsets you. He is putting the needs of anonymous people who he will never meet before his dw and ds.
Ultimately, if he chooses to carry on he will lose his family and respect of others.
He has become addicted to the adoration. Otherwise why would he risk so much?
Stand strong. Most women would not put up with such crap.

You have asked him to stop doing something that distresses you. He had accepted that it distresses you because in the past he has tried to stop doing it. He had now refused and has walked out therefore telling you you are less important than his needs and wants, and the needs and wanted of strangers half way around the world.

If he was doing this for maybe half and hour a day that would be one thing, but doing it all evening and late into the night and taking time and energy from your family life, is quite another, It's unnacceptable.

If he loves helping people (and not only female people) there are many way he could do so without getting such an ego boost and hurting you.

Put it this way, I love it when H helps someone out.

I am proud of him when he helps push someone's broken down car, when he feeds next doors cat, when he offers a shoulder to cry on to a mate who has just split with his wife. I am proud of the work he does at school helping kids with major behavioural problems. That is all good stuff and part of the reason I love him.

If he spent hours and hours, when he should be with me or the kids, helping women (and only women) who proceeded to tell him how much they need him and how much they love him, I wouldn't feel proud, i'd feel sick and angry.

Sex is only one part of infidelity, and iMO not the worst part.

He is now going away for 3 days until Thursday! He hasn't said anything to the boys how do I keep things up for them

I feel totally devastated, thought getting through the night was bad but it feels worse toray

It must be horrible for you right now.
And you are still in shock.
Sugary tea as suggested will keep you going for a while.
Try to eat. Little and often.

If, as he says, it's just like going to the pub. Would he really be in the pub every single night. Talking to people all through the night and ignoring and neglecting his family?
I know if my OH was in the pub every night until all hours that I'd be kicking his arse out of the house.

He still can't see or admit that this is wrong. He claims women are falling in love with him. Can you imagine if it was the other way around? How would he react?

Thing is, so far, there have never been any consequences for what he is doing. You say please don't, he carries on, you get upset, but nothing changes for him.

I think you need some space to think seriously about how you want your life to pan out.
Do you want to be on the look-out all the time at what he is up to?
Worrying things will maybe go too far with one of them.
Or that he moves things closer to home and starts to meet up with people.
That is no doubt, how it will progress.

Will he agree to counselling? I think he needs some on his own to understand why on earth he feels the need to completely neglect his family over total strangers. Very odd behaviour.

For today, please try to get some real life help and support.
No-one who loves you would want you to feel like you do without having the opportunity to be there for you.

He is now going away for 3 days until Thursday!

What does that mean?
That he hasn't actually left?
It feels more like he's punishing you, so that you won't object to his messaging because you'll be so happy he's returned.

I think antimatter above has asked some rather good questoins. This doesnt sound sexual to me, and the amount of time he's spending on it is way out of line, but could there be some middle way between him doing some on line chatting and not going way OTT, and you accepting -some- ?

Does he normally go away for days with work?
Is it with work?
Is he going away on his own?
This is all starting feel decidedly dodgy to me.

He said I am the one who said it was over (which I did out of frustration ) but I thought he would go for one night then talk to me to try and work things out but he says he was going away for work anyway for 2 nights this week.
He said we can talk on Thursday but I don't know what to think anymore. Surely he should understand how hurt and shocked in feeling and try to help me?
I am reluctant to call my parents as they will be so angry with him and will make things final

Yes he does quite often stay away for at least one night as he travels a lot and combines meetings but it feels very cold to go away until Thursday.
Meerka I have tried the middle line approach as he insists it's not sexual or a threat in anyway to our marriage but when there is one particular girl saying she can't live without him, it makes me feel very sad. I have tried to explain my feelings and that it was the secret element at the start which has caused problems along with telling me it would stop -

Well, regarding the possible Aspergers thing, there are plenty of posters on here who have, or think they may have, AS (myself included) who find it quite difficult to communicate with people IRL, but find online communication easy and enjoyable.

BUT: your DH has to have the awareness that he is damaging his relationship and family life by doing this. It seems that you've warned him enough times. He either has to understand and acknowledge that, hard as it is, he has to spend more time in the real world, or you both have to accept that he just doesn't have what it takes to sustain a proper adult relationship any more.

Yes I agree. I have noticed he finds RL communication tricky, even with me yet he is a different person online so I think the Aspergers is a valid train of thought. I can honestly hear my ds in his reasoning of things.
However it is no excuse for all the hurt and I think deep down he knows that which is why he can't talk to me right now.
I do wonder if he doesn't want to be married anymore buthe goes out of his way to reassure me?
I need to be strong and hope he comes to his senses. But scared in case it's all over

If someone is saying 'she can't live iwthout him" then im afraid that woman needs some serious help. I suppose she could be trying it on too :/ but whatever the reason your husband should definitely cut contact then.

The secrecy is a killer yeah :(

It sounds like he is punishing you for making him feel bad. He actually feels bad because he feels guilty because he knows well that he is doing something wrong - he knows he is choosing to do something that distresses you and he has lied to you about stopping.

If he wants to fix people's lives and relationships and make people feel better, he should try to fix your and his life and make you feel better.

This must be tough for you.

I think also he is punishing you, I think you should stop any contact with him for now. He has done you wrong and has left leaving you to deal with the dc whilst feeling sad and confused.

Seems like scare tatics to make you feel as though you are in the wrong and allow him to get the best of both worlds.

I wouldn't be surprised if there's a rl woman somewhere I'm sorry to say. Id check everything

While you are in this difficult situation, do try to take care of yourself, eat little and often, even if you don't really feel like it, bananas, eggs and chunks of cheese got me through some ghastly weeks.

I think him clearing off to his mother's and now saying he is going away but will talk to you on Thursday, is his attempt to control the situation, he alone will decide when the two of you will talk. It gives him back control of an out of control situation.
From his point of view, it also results in leaving you vulnerable, unsure, frustrated and more likely to agree to his proposals.
Use these few days well, to decide what you want to do, take stock of what your life would be without him. Find out about what benefits you would be entitled to, if you could keep your home, how much maintenance he would pay the children.

As to why he is involved in online emotional affairs, it's about having his ego stroked, feeling good about himself, being a knight in shining armour to vulnerable women, really it's about power I think.

Take care

How secret is it?

We often say that what we post on MN is private to us. I'd think what he talks about with those people is private as well.

But, I fully agree that it is a problem if it impacts on family and couple's life. Effectively, if he distances himself from you for the sake as this, as I compared earlier with playing computer games.

And I agree with alllonenow. Use these days to figure out what you want and what your boundaries are.