Husband left tonight. In total shock

[nicand2]

Here alone with no one to talk to, 2 young boys are asleep, don't know how I will get thru the night

Has he aspbergers? Sounds like it to me

Thanks aussiebean, there are some lovely mumsnetters on here x

The problem is at the moment he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. Frustratingly I seem to be banging my head against a brick wall and that it's ok to have strangers telling him how lovely he is and how they can't live without him!

Never diagnosed with Aspergers but I am convinced as he shares so many traits with my son (who was diagnosed at 2) particularly the moral side of things, talking to him about all of this is exactly like having a conversation with my son whose opinions aren't flexible.

He says it builds up his self esteem which has been low in the past.

If I am dealing with an Aspergers dh then it kind of makes the frustration at the 'not getting it' bit into perspective however I'm in a position where I've made it clear it's not on and he's carried on...where do I go from there? I feel too hurt to ignore it and let him carry on fixing the world

Have you evidence of him "helping" there people

The messages I have seen , it does seem they are very grateful for his help and are totally obsessed with him

Help with what?

nica are these all women he's 'helping'? Not one single man?

If he was really a 'fixer' the people he's interacting with would be both men and women.

Be that as it may, it is taking time/emotion away from the people he should be most interested in; you and the children. God knows I probably spend more time on MN than I should, but DH never suffers for it, nor has he ever complained about my being too distracted for him. Nor would I stomp out if he did.

You cannot change him. Only 'he' can change 'him'. All you can do is what's best for you. If he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong he won't change. So, what is best for you and the children?

I will add another thing. If these are only women he's 'helping' how long before he's not satisfied with just messaging to stroke his ego? How long before he 'needs' the next step of actual meetings to feel that 'admiration' he seems to need so badly? Then what might happen?

Girls that have had arguments with boyfriends or family members, last week he was sorting out a problem between a girl and her boyfriend and another boy and he was involved in messaging all 3 of them!

He says it is men and women.

He is very complex and it puzzles me that he's doing this because in RL he really doesn't like getting involved with other people.

Yes I worry that it will move on to other things but they are all in different countries which he says should reassure me that he has no intentions of an affair.

He sounds bloody odd

So he's chosen them over you?!

I question myself sometimes that maybe this is normal and that I'm over reacting? I'm not a jealous person at all but he's almost turning me into one.
He is very bright and has a good job but honestly can't see that he is wrecking our marriage by getting involved in these peoples lives

He's Mr Fix it for them and loves the adoration but although he says he loves me he doesn't stop

How is him messaging these strangers in other countries different from you posting this message on MN?

I think it's not to the exclusion of family life

I wonder what he would say to one of these women if their problem was that their partner sends all his time on the internet that it leaves no room for him to spend quality time with her or their children and he refuses to listen to her concerns.

Wrapdress I get your point ( this is the first time I have ever spoken about it) but he has been up in the middle of the night for months texting them

would he be happy to read all those messages he is receiving?

I have friends all over world whom I met through internet and some in person afterwards so I a can see a point of making friends that way.

Do you feel he spends all that time as a way of him to avoid day to day issues in your family life?

I think I need to see the messages to get my head around what is going on, I know some crossed the line last year because he told me a girl had fallen in love with him and I can't believe that was without encouragement.

Yes it is an escape or at least that's how it started,

He isn't all bad, this is all new in the last year, in the past 11 years he has been a good husband and dad obviously some ups and downs but nothing like this

It can be an escape from facing reality.
Some people cross that line and jut assume this IS their real life.

How are his friendships formed?
Is that an online community or a chat room?

It started on kik and hey hey? Don't know what they are, I know he has deleted them but he communicates thru iMessage now he has there numbers

I take it he's not qualified to be giving these strangers advice? He could be doing more harm than good.

That said, I think he needs to have some respect for you and stop this altogether if he wants you to give him another chance. This is ruining his marriage. How he can give relationship advice to others when he is ruining his own is beyond me.

He doesn't see anything wrong in it but he knows that it upsets you and he leaves you and your DCs when confronted!! He is being so selfish.

having that level of involvement is both addictive and flattering
he has to understand what are those needs he fulfills with getting involved so deeply with people he never met
is he perhaps working such hours that he hasn't time or energy to build friendly relationships in RL?
he doesn't see that being an issue yet you do - so I guess communication in your relationship isn't there
does he ever talk about his online friends with you?