Pregnant and single :(

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

Long story which I will try to condense as much as possible...I'm 38 and met a guy 4 months ago who is the same age. We met online and had an amazing first date which lasted 8 hours long. On the 2nd date we had another great time, but he told me he has a Visa for Australia. He was upfront and honest with me and said he plans to live there for good (he is from the UK) we said we would continue the relationship for the next 6 months before he leaves to see if it would blossom and then make a decision about whether he would stay and wait for me.

The next 3-4 months were great, a bit up and down whenever we brought up oz and naturally I was worried about getting in to deep emotionally if he would just up and leave at any stage. He instigated a lot of the relationship and dictated the speed etc, he took me away for a wonderful weekend, booked us a holiday away in the south of france. Was amazing. I fell in love with him pretty quickly, he was very attractive and had a great personality. He slowly introduced me to his close friends and brother (I didn't really introduce him to many of my close friends) according to his friend he hadnt done this before.

About 2 months into the relationship I confessed my feelings and told him I loved him, he said he wasnt sure if he was in love me yet. But continued the relationship anyway. About 3 weeks before we split up when I was about to break up with him because he wasn't being forthcoming with his plans for oz he told me he loved me. So I felt over the moon, was elated!

We had sex a number of times without protection, he knew I wasnt on birth control so seemed happy with taking the risk. We spoke about our desire to have kids all the time. He made it clear he wanted children and didn't seem phased that if he was to stay with me we would have to think about starting a family sooner rather than later (I made this clear to him when I first started dating him)

Anyway a week before we split up we visited his visa lawyer to discuss the possibility of us going to oz together in the future, after this he had a panic attack in the evening and broke up with me the next day.

Two days later I found out I was pregnant. I told him and it went down like a ton of bricks. He made it clear he doesn't want to be with me, said he shouldn't of told me he loved me as he doesn't love me, said he doesnt want this baby and asked me to have a termination.

I have decided to keep the baby and go it alone. I simply can't terminate at this age and I want the baby dearly. Though I would of preferred to be in a relationship!

I have a very supportive family and financially I will be fine.

The father is emotionally unstable so no idea what he will do. I truly suprised by his reaction as he went on about how much he wanted kids all the time and how he would make a great dad?! He spoke on holiday about what our kids would look like? I makes no sense whatsoever.

We are both from middle class families, his parents are both pyschologists (so I'm wondering if this is why he is so messed up?!) but I feel that I have been duped by a commitment phobe...

I own my own place, have pets etc. He lives in a flatshare with 5 other people, surfs and spends all his money travelling. He has never lived with a girl and the girls he has had relationships with he never loved. The only girl he properly loved he is still very close with 20 + years with, she lives in another country but they speak on skype all the time. It was unrequited love on his side, she isn't even aware that he loved her. He speaks about her fondly, thinks she is amazing and beautiful but it's very clear she isn't interested in him otherwise they would have got together years ago. Plus she is in a relationship with someone else. He sayd he no longer loves her...but I feel subconciously he still does.

He is seeking therapy now.

I think it's very sad this has happened. He has treated me terribly since I told him I was pregnant, he asked me to 'prove' my pregnancy by meeting him so he could do the test himself. Was utterly degrading and humiliating.

I have no idea what he will do now...maybe he will go to oz and leave us alone. Part of me hopes he will go. But another part of me would hope he wakes up to this and grows up. Deep down I know he desperatley wants a family and has a good heart, but he seems petrified/angry and feels I have trapped him.

Despite amazing support from friends and family, being pregnant for the first time and doing it on my own is lonely and daunting...

I'm only 6 weeks 4 days so still early days and I'm trying not to stress.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated? Do you think he will come around?

xx

unrealhousewife you did indeed express your opinion on what you see as the best option.
That opinion has been dealt with and dismissed by Cherryblossom200 so there is absolutely no need to press it any further.
Not helpful, not relevant and extremely unwelcome.

www.babycentre.co.uk/a564492/parental-responsibility-for-unmarried-dads

Honestly, look for yourself.

All I do know is almost a half my friends ended up being single mums due to relationship break downs, that's the cold harsh reality. It's a nightmare for them and they wish they could of raised the child alone like me.

You say "this is life now" - um no, this was life a few years ago. It was very easy for women to have default rights to residence but it's just not like that any more. Even your gay friend's surrogate might one day turn around and decide that she wants access to her child, the child would have that right enforced and there's not a peep that your gay friend could do about it, regardless of any signatures or contracts. You can no longer come between a child and its parent without very good cause.

The one thing that's different now is technology - you can have your embryo frozen to wait until a sensible man does come along. You have a very real choice.

I really hope it does work out with this chap, it sounds as though it was promising at the start and there was some genuine love so perhaps it will sort itself out and it was just commitment phobia as you said.

But you have to be sure about all this because not long ago it sounded as though you could simply tar him with the mental illness brush and expect him to disappear out of your life. Until you know the facts you are not making an informed choice.

HW you are still in your own way trying to talk me into a termination, aren't you? Freezing my eggs etc is your own way of hinting without actually saying 'get rid of it' what part of my message do you not get?

I WANT TO KEEP MY BABY!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not trying to tar him with the mental brush, he has mental issues which I thought (as did he) were dealt with but this situation has brought it all back to life again. He hid the illness from me very well, if I knew he was like this I would never have gone near him.

www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities/what-is-parental-responsibility

Show this to your lawyer friend :)

cherry keep your baby. You want your baby so don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Your lawyer friend is wrong though. I promise. Unless he's considered dangerous to the child, he will get PR is he seeks it and will be allowed contact. I have no idea why they said to you otherwise.

Anyway, keep your blood pressure down, put your feet up and hide this thread. You're looking after two of you now and 40 weeks is a bloody long time to stress out (I'm currently at 39 and it's taken forever..).

HW, what is your problem like really? I mean really? I don't care! Like I said I am HAPPY to have him involved I actively will be encouraging it! It's you my dear which has talked about having my crazy ex in my life and the destruction it will cause. When in fact you have no idea what the outcome will be. This is not some kind of competition about who is right and wrong, clearly you have a hell of a lot if issues yourself.

Wow I feel like I'm on Jeremy Kyle with a load of antagonist idiots who have to prove themselves right because they have nothing better to do.

I very much doubt that if we all took into account all the 'ifs' & 'buts' that any of us would have had children at all!
I am lucky, my life has been relatively straight forward. But still I have had moments of doubt. I had two planned babies with a DH. As did many of our friends.
We are almost the last ones standing in term of a nuclear family.
Doesn't make us superior, or our children better.
What makes mine and my friends children (even those from 'broken homes') so special is that they have been bought up with love.
Not with a narrow minded, blinkered and negative view of the world.

If my lawyer mate was wrong then that's fine! I'm happy for him to be involved. I really hope he will be do a u-turn and be a good dad. My original post supports that. Anyway like someone said this thread is doing nothing for my blood pressure at all.

Hide the thread. We're all just nobodies on your computer. The people in real life are what matter. Move on. Nothing to see here....

Oh dear oh dear the messenger will always be shot, I should have learned that by now!

To be fair OP, you really don't know the law and have therefore never made an INFORMED choice about this pregnancy. You were duped into it by him to begin with anyway (implied in your OP) and this is the ONLY reason I EVER suggested termination. Once because he duped you, and once because you have been led to believe you can bring a baby up without a father being particularly involved. Now you say you want him involved, which is great and as I said earlier a step towards some kind of sense.

But let me remind you of the wishful thinking involved here:

You hoped he would go away to Australia anyway.
You hoped he would get his crazy head sorted out.
You expected to get a full report of his mental health at your request.
You believed (fair enough - your lawyer friend told you) that your ex would only have 'visitation rights'.
You think it's modern life now to bring up children alone through choice.

^This is what your decision to have your baby is based on.

I have experience, lots of it, of people with serious MH problems who really cannot help themselves at all but when brought into a family situation have caused massive destruction. It means a lifetime of family court appearances, social services involvement etc etc. It's not easy.

This might happen, it might not. Leave it down to luck or make an uncomfortable decision, but please make an INFORMED decision.

Thanks fifi for being a voice of reason. ;)

Hi Cherry - I've just read all the way through your thread. Took a while! I don't think there have been a 'load of antagonist idiots', just a few very vocal ones. Most people who have posted, including me, are very supportive of your choice, and outraged on your behalf by the nasty comments.

Really, the very best thing to do is just to ignore people like HW, and for all posters on this thread to do the same, however provocative her posts are. Just ignore. Totally. Respond to the sensible, useful, supportive posts. Or just talk about the weather. Or the tennis. Very few people will stick around if they are getting no reaction at all.

Congrats on your pregnancy!!

Ok I'll book myself in for a termination HW because you said so. Will it help you sleep a little easier? Now a little tadpole as you put it will be terminated at least it won't come into this cruel harsh world to be brought up by an awful parent such as I. Make you feel a little bit better now. Good. Ah we can all breath a sigh of relief now.

To be honest unrealhousewife I think the only wishful thinking the OP is doing now is wishing you would know when your opinion was no longer being heard.
Cherryblossom200 I'm sure you are aware you haven't chosen the easiest route to motherhood, but I think you'll be fine.
Very early days, and there's not too much that's insurmountable.
Just wait till you have a teenager, things get REALLY tricky then

I'm hoping Cherry is now looking at the legal links so she can face this pregnancy, and her partner with the full facts and realistic understanding of what this 6.5 week pregnancy actually means.

So, the tennis - anyone watching? Potentially interesting match just started between Kyrgios and Nadal.

Or the weather. I'm actually in Australia (some irony there, OP!) so it's winter, cold and wet. Looks nice and sunny at Wimbledon...

After your last comment I think perhaps you might get better advice from Jeremy Kyle.

I actually find it very hard to believe that you are 38 and middle class. because it certainly doesn't come across like that in writing.

Thanks drivinmecrazy! I think the teenage years will be the most testing of all!

But I plan later on to move to Switzerland where my mother is from (I have a British and Swiss passport) so would love to bring up my child there eventually. The line of work I do means I can work anywhere in the world. I have family who live there and feel it would be a wonderful place for him/her to grow up! But if the father does want to be involved and stays in the UK I will of course think of him and stay in the UK. But if he leaves and wants nothing to do with his child I will move to Switzerland.

Fingers crossed the Swiss win in the footie now :) x

Am hoping for a Nadal V Murray final (though may miss the spectacular as will be slightly hungover following my Mum's 70th birthday party!)
More miffed we'll be missing the cycling on Monday. It zooms straight past our house but we'll still be in Spain (not a happy husband!)

Guin I'm watching the footie now :) thanks for the much welcomed change of topic!

Would love to focus now on some nice things please :) it's gorgeous weather in London, you should come here! x

Oh I hope Murray wins! Nadal v Murray would be awesome!! :)

You're welcome Cherryblossom200. It sounds as if you can give your little one some amazing experiences and a good life x

They are doing pretty well in the tennis too - Federer and Wawrinka both through.

I would love my DS (21 months) to grow up bilingual. I spent a while living in South America before I met DH, and would love to go back there while DS is still young. DH is taking some convincing though...

The little tadpole analogy was taken from the NHS website, that was how they described the size of the foetus at 6 weeks. Just facts that's all, and a bit of science.

It is also a potential baby, a potential life and all the other things that we want to bestow on it as individuals. But it's the size of a pea, no more.

I spent 4 years in London in my younger years and loved it, although I usually escaped to Cornwall in the summer, so my memories of London weather are not pleasant!

Usually I would support Nadal, but this time I have to cheer for my fellow Aussie.

drivin what cycling is that? Has Tour dF started? Are you in France?