Pregnant and single :(

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

Long story which I will try to condense as much as possible...I'm 38 and met a guy 4 months ago who is the same age. We met online and had an amazing first date which lasted 8 hours long. On the 2nd date we had another great time, but he told me he has a Visa for Australia. He was upfront and honest with me and said he plans to live there for good (he is from the UK) we said we would continue the relationship for the next 6 months before he leaves to see if it would blossom and then make a decision about whether he would stay and wait for me.

The next 3-4 months were great, a bit up and down whenever we brought up oz and naturally I was worried about getting in to deep emotionally if he would just up and leave at any stage. He instigated a lot of the relationship and dictated the speed etc, he took me away for a wonderful weekend, booked us a holiday away in the south of france. Was amazing. I fell in love with him pretty quickly, he was very attractive and had a great personality. He slowly introduced me to his close friends and brother (I didn't really introduce him to many of my close friends) according to his friend he hadnt done this before.

About 2 months into the relationship I confessed my feelings and told him I loved him, he said he wasnt sure if he was in love me yet. But continued the relationship anyway. About 3 weeks before we split up when I was about to break up with him because he wasn't being forthcoming with his plans for oz he told me he loved me. So I felt over the moon, was elated!

We had sex a number of times without protection, he knew I wasnt on birth control so seemed happy with taking the risk. We spoke about our desire to have kids all the time. He made it clear he wanted children and didn't seem phased that if he was to stay with me we would have to think about starting a family sooner rather than later (I made this clear to him when I first started dating him)

Anyway a week before we split up we visited his visa lawyer to discuss the possibility of us going to oz together in the future, after this he had a panic attack in the evening and broke up with me the next day.

Two days later I found out I was pregnant. I told him and it went down like a ton of bricks. He made it clear he doesn't want to be with me, said he shouldn't of told me he loved me as he doesn't love me, said he doesnt want this baby and asked me to have a termination.

I have decided to keep the baby and go it alone. I simply can't terminate at this age and I want the baby dearly. Though I would of preferred to be in a relationship!

I have a very supportive family and financially I will be fine.

The father is emotionally unstable so no idea what he will do. I truly suprised by his reaction as he went on about how much he wanted kids all the time and how he would make a great dad?! He spoke on holiday about what our kids would look like? I makes no sense whatsoever.

We are both from middle class families, his parents are both pyschologists (so I'm wondering if this is why he is so messed up?!) but I feel that I have been duped by a commitment phobe...

I own my own place, have pets etc. He lives in a flatshare with 5 other people, surfs and spends all his money travelling. He has never lived with a girl and the girls he has had relationships with he never loved. The only girl he properly loved he is still very close with 20 + years with, she lives in another country but they speak on skype all the time. It was unrequited love on his side, she isn't even aware that he loved her. He speaks about her fondly, thinks she is amazing and beautiful but it's very clear she isn't interested in him otherwise they would have got together years ago. Plus she is in a relationship with someone else. He sayd he no longer loves her...but I feel subconciously he still does.

He is seeking therapy now.

I think it's very sad this has happened. He has treated me terribly since I told him I was pregnant, he asked me to 'prove' my pregnancy by meeting him so he could do the test himself. Was utterly degrading and humiliating.

I have no idea what he will do now...maybe he will go to oz and leave us alone. Part of me hopes he will go. But another part of me would hope he wakes up to this and grows up. Deep down I know he desperatley wants a family and has a good heart, but he seems petrified/angry and feels I have trapped him.

Despite amazing support from friends and family, being pregnant for the first time and doing it on my own is lonely and daunting...

I'm only 6 weeks 4 days so still early days and I'm trying not to stress.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated? Do you think he will come around?

xx

Like I said HW you are not a lawyer are you? So strangely I'm not going to listen to you and listen to the professionals ;)

Ok I am now speechless by your comment about abortion being a minor inconvience. Sorry I have no choice but to report you now.

X post

We are not married therefore the father does not have many rights at all, the only thing he can ask for is visitation which I have no issue with. I want him to play a role in my child's life.

Your lawyer has said the right thing - the father does not have rights, the child has right to access the father. The father is very likely to get every other weekend and one evening a week. If the circumstances are 'right' or go in his favour he could get 50/50.

If you are prepared for that OK, but remember his mental health may not be at its best for much of this time.

I am happy for him to see the child! I said that from the beginning! I would love for him to be involved as long as he is mentally for. I would ensure I get a full report on his mental health before allowing access.

Anyway my life. Not yours.

OP, I hope you are managing to ignore the horrible comments?

I'm a single working mum to three children now. My first marriage broke up when my elder two were 2 and 6 months. Then my "new" exH left when I was pregnant with baby waves who is turning one at the end of this month.

So, even happily marrieds can end up in this situation....I was 14 weeks pregnant when my marriage basically ended.

I had enormous support from MN throughout my pregnancy and subsequent to the baby's birth. So I hope that you can access the same support.

come on Cherry, we're not all bad.
I don't really understand why you're getting a kicking on here, but here's my 2p:

congratulations on your pregnancy!
It is absolutely your choice how to proceed - of course - and I am delighted for you that you are pleased about the pregnancy and happy to keep the baby.

I think the second your ex had you peeing in a plastic cup in a pub you must have realised he was not a nice man. you are right to forget about any possibility of a relationship with him.

Get legal advice on paternal rights. It doesn't sound as if he is interested in the baby but you must know where you stand and you must keep him informed and of course, the baby will eventually be a child who deserves to know who his / her father is.

I think you sound like a positive, warm person with a lot of support and I think you will make the best of it.
Join the antenatal group on here for Feb 15 and you will make some great friends.
Good luck x

FWIW I think Cherryblossom200 has brilliant odds of bringing up a child successfully in the circumstances she has outlined.
She has family support, financially independent and with the benefit of a strong friendship network.

I think the purpose of the OP was to find others who had followed a similar path and to look for reassurance that she could do this.

With that in mind, I would respectfully ask unrealhousewife to re-read the original thread, and very kindly FO!

I would love for him to be involved as long as he is mentally for. I would ensure I get a full report on his mental health before allowing access.

What do you mean? How do you force someone to have a full report of their mental health done before you allow access? Does he have history of physical violence? If not it might be difficult to get a report done.

Access is only refusable if your partner is a danger to the child or if access causes more harm to the child than no access.

You really have no idea.

Anyway my life. Not yours.

No neither Cherry, it's your child's life.

Thanks Allhail, I know there are some good people on here which is why I haven't deleted my account.

I have no issue with the child seeing it's dad I will actively support it whatever it decides. I have kept photos of us together on holiday and will ensure my child doesn't have a horrible view of the dad. Through gritted teeth I will make out that he was a nice person, but unfortunately it didn't work out between us. I don't want my child to have abandonment issues. So it would be in everyone's best interests for the father to sort his crazy head out and be in the child's life.

Oh get lost HW I'm not bothering to respond to you anymore

Drivin - if you insist on addressing me instead of OP on her own thread, then I shall respond - I have a good knowledge of how relationships like this work. OP might have been just wanting someone to offer SP support and hear stories of how they have done it and it's OK, of course it's OK for a lot of people. In OP's case it's not OK because OP's ex has mental health problems and is manipulative, has parents who are psychologists and will know exactly how he can get round the law should he need it.

So I won't FO at your request Drivin, because you are not doing OP any favours by pretending her life's going to be all fucking roses and cherries as long as she has a shoulder to cry on.

Thanks drivingmecrazy :)

If my pregnancy proceeds to full terms I will encourage my child to be independent, work hard, get a good education, travel the world like I did, sample different cultures, be open minded and enjoy life! I will actively work hard to make ensure they feel full of love and devotion at every opportunity. For me love isn't about showering my child with expensive gifts, it's the small beautiful things in life which I hope will enrich their life and make them see what a wonderful life they have :)

So it would be in everyone's best interests for the father to sort his crazy head out and be in the child's life.

He will be in the child's life whether he sorts his crazy head out or not! And in the meantime any decent reasonable men will not be in your life.

Good luck OP, you sound more realistic now.

And as Allhail has suggested also, get up to date information on parental responsibility. Or is Allhail 'crazy' like me to doubt your expert friend's legal advice?

HW do not respond to my posts any longer. If you 'need' to respond to other peoples that's your choice. But please now leave me alone.

unrealhousewife maybe it won't all be hearts and flowers, but from a starting point, the OP is not in a bad place.
To anticipate problems where there currently are none is just projection.
I'm very pleased that you have such a great insight into the mind of OP's Ex.
How very clever that you can predict his every future movement and thought.

drivin if you MUST address me (again) when I am responding to OP and not you...

Don't make me out to be some delusional unhinged person. That's rude and nasty. It's insulting and pointless.

I am actually trying to help but the moment I mentioned that it might be an OPTION to have a termination the thread went all hellfire and brimstone on me. I wouldn't mind but she had already considered it before.

I have stuck to what matters most here, which is the reality of what legal rights OP seems to think her child/partner have in order for her to have some notion of what she is letting herself in for in the future by choosing to continue with the pregnancy.

She clearly had no idea of the actual law, and if everyone on here is happy to applaud her into having a life she might regret if only she had known the real facts, then fine, go ahead and applaud.

That's the thing, there are sooo many different scenarios to this situation. I couldn't predict any of them so I'm not worrying at this stage. He could go to oz and never want to be in our lives ever again, who he could do a massive u-turn and be a doting father and this may end up being the big change he needed in life. Who knows! I'm preparing for all eventuality. All I do know is almost a half my friends ended up being single mums due to relationship break downs, that's the cold harsh reality. It's a nightmare for them and they wish they could of raised the child alone like me. But the one overwhelming thing is...the children are beautiful, well balanced happy kids. The world is now changing so much, my gay friends are going to get a surrogate so they can have a child. This is life now!

Good grief, I came back to the thread expecting it to have improved but seems to have got worse...

I don't know what silly sweets unrealhousewife has been sucking, but they're strong.

I think if you don't want to come across as 'un-hinged' unreal, then don't try and tell someone to have an abortion when they clearly don't want one.

OP the father can easily get the same level of parental responsibility as you by applying for a court order. If he's on the birth certificate he'll have it automatically. There is no need to married. If he gains PR you will jointly be responsible for the child and life decisions. He may of course not be interested at all and not seek PR. HW is right in that respect, regardless of what's said now, when baby is here, the court views it from the child's standpoint and will allow contact even if it's against your wishes. You say it's not, so that's great! You don't have parental rights, just responsibilities. The child has a right to have contact with it's parents. Your friend is wrong I'm afraid.

Hello Cherryblossom, I just wanted to wish you all the best with your pregnancy.

Your ex sounds like a sad, selfish, teenage boy and you and your baby are better off without him. I don't blame you for falling for his charms. Before I met my DH I was single and dating for 3 years and there were times I really wanted to believe in magic because I was lonely. Sadly, the reality was that the various men were "just not that into it" and looking back, good riddance.

I think people underestimate how lonely it can be being single in your late thirties so don't beat yourself up about falling for an illusion. Look forwards, not backwards. A baby is never a mistake and thankfully, Australia is a long, long, way away.

That said, don't let the possibility of a future scenario mess with your head now. It's early days. Many things can change. Just look after yourself and everything else will follow.

Really are you a little bit stupid HW? Guess I can let you off then for yourstupid comments.

You say that I had no idea of the actual law? Hmmm well if you can read English? I guess you can, right? I think I have perhaps now mentioned 2-3 times I have friends who are lawyers who specialise in family law. What point of that do not not understand? Would you like me to spell it out a bit slower for you? I have friends who are lawyers, therefore I understand exactly what my rights are. Does that make you feel a tiny bit better now HW? Or are you once again going to ignore everything I have said and start having weird conversations with yourself again...

Like I said I really don't mind if he is involved! I told him that from the start too. But I feel that he probably won't want to be involved as he is very selfish.

you can marry the perfect man (apparently) and he could have an affair, get killed in an accident, become mentally ill, turn out to be gay, anything. Cherryblossom is in no worse position than many who go into this crazy uncertain business of bearing a child. It's hard but no one is entirely prepared for what it will throw at you. No one. the best things you can have on your side are: a cheerful attitude; grit and determination; and good friends and supportive family. you can't plan for the rest.

A great piece of advice a friend of mine once told me (she is 3 years older then me and very wise) is when you have children always be prepared that you could bring them up alone...men are men never rely on them. And boy was she right!