Pregnant and single :(

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

Long story which I will try to condense as much as possible...I'm 38 and met a guy 4 months ago who is the same age. We met online and had an amazing first date which lasted 8 hours long. On the 2nd date we had another great time, but he told me he has a Visa for Australia. He was upfront and honest with me and said he plans to live there for good (he is from the UK) we said we would continue the relationship for the next 6 months before he leaves to see if it would blossom and then make a decision about whether he would stay and wait for me.

The next 3-4 months were great, a bit up and down whenever we brought up oz and naturally I was worried about getting in to deep emotionally if he would just up and leave at any stage. He instigated a lot of the relationship and dictated the speed etc, he took me away for a wonderful weekend, booked us a holiday away in the south of france. Was amazing. I fell in love with him pretty quickly, he was very attractive and had a great personality. He slowly introduced me to his close friends and brother (I didn't really introduce him to many of my close friends) according to his friend he hadnt done this before.

About 2 months into the relationship I confessed my feelings and told him I loved him, he said he wasnt sure if he was in love me yet. But continued the relationship anyway. About 3 weeks before we split up when I was about to break up with him because he wasn't being forthcoming with his plans for oz he told me he loved me. So I felt over the moon, was elated!

We had sex a number of times without protection, he knew I wasnt on birth control so seemed happy with taking the risk. We spoke about our desire to have kids all the time. He made it clear he wanted children and didn't seem phased that if he was to stay with me we would have to think about starting a family sooner rather than later (I made this clear to him when I first started dating him)

Anyway a week before we split up we visited his visa lawyer to discuss the possibility of us going to oz together in the future, after this he had a panic attack in the evening and broke up with me the next day.

Two days later I found out I was pregnant. I told him and it went down like a ton of bricks. He made it clear he doesn't want to be with me, said he shouldn't of told me he loved me as he doesn't love me, said he doesnt want this baby and asked me to have a termination.

I have decided to keep the baby and go it alone. I simply can't terminate at this age and I want the baby dearly. Though I would of preferred to be in a relationship!

I have a very supportive family and financially I will be fine.

The father is emotionally unstable so no idea what he will do. I truly suprised by his reaction as he went on about how much he wanted kids all the time and how he would make a great dad?! He spoke on holiday about what our kids would look like? I makes no sense whatsoever.

We are both from middle class families, his parents are both pyschologists (so I'm wondering if this is why he is so messed up?!) but I feel that I have been duped by a commitment phobe...

I own my own place, have pets etc. He lives in a flatshare with 5 other people, surfs and spends all his money travelling. He has never lived with a girl and the girls he has had relationships with he never loved. The only girl he properly loved he is still very close with 20 + years with, she lives in another country but they speak on skype all the time. It was unrequited love on his side, she isn't even aware that he loved her. He speaks about her fondly, thinks she is amazing and beautiful but it's very clear she isn't interested in him otherwise they would have got together years ago. Plus she is in a relationship with someone else. He sayd he no longer loves her...but I feel subconciously he still does.

He is seeking therapy now.

I think it's very sad this has happened. He has treated me terribly since I told him I was pregnant, he asked me to 'prove' my pregnancy by meeting him so he could do the test himself. Was utterly degrading and humiliating.

I have no idea what he will do now...maybe he will go to oz and leave us alone. Part of me hopes he will go. But another part of me would hope he wakes up to this and grows up. Deep down I know he desperatley wants a family and has a good heart, but he seems petrified/angry and feels I have trapped him.

Despite amazing support from friends and family, being pregnant for the first time and doing it on my own is lonely and daunting...

I'm only 6 weeks 4 days so still early days and I'm trying not to stress.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated? Do you think he will come around?

xx

But I'm not interested in your comments - am I? To me it seems this thread (which is supposed to be mine) just gives you some purpose for your day.

So carry on having conversations with yourself. I will not be entertaining you any further.

As stated I would love to speak to other single mothers about their experiences :) x

They're facts, not comments, unlike your other supporters here.
As I say if you're happy with shared care and PR that's fine, but others seem to think you can bypass children's rights to access both parents and get round this somehow. The courts aren't stupid, they have seen it all before a million times.

Ok Cherry fly off into cloud cuckoo land, just don't say I didn't warn you about the crash landing that awaits. Just remember who it will hurt the most.

There are countless threads on here about devastating custody battles over children that rage on for years.

I shall be reporting any more posts on here that are misleading or deceptive about the law.

Unrealhousewife you have been asked by the op more than once to do one.

She is seeking her own advice from people she trusts and you are deluded if you think she is likely to listen to you after the way you have behaved on this thread.

Also I don't really understand your issues since she would be happy for the father to be involved so all your ranting isn't even relevant.

Time to take your issues elsewhere

Thank you Yellow. I have reported her again because this feels more like a personal attack and boarding on harassment now.

Erm, she wants to take the child off to go and live abroad, how is that wanting the father involved?

Yellow - don't take the bait. Ignore her.

Personal attacks! I've had plenty of those from you and your mates, I don't report them though. I think I'm still trying to help you. Can't think why. Oh yes, I remember, it's something about your child and your partner, and how they fit in with your future fantasy of an international lifestyle.

In fairness, threads are public property as it were, they don't belong to the OP for them to police and ban contributors. I'm sure mnhq would have a word with unreal if they deemed it appropriate.

Now I will caveat by saying i haven't seen the content of the banned posts - but it seems that all unreal is doing is trying to bring some reality to proceedings, which some people don't want to hear. Unfortunately, when misinformation about serious topics like parental responsibility has been posted online, it needs to be corrected so that others reading aren't mislead.

If the dad wants to be involved, OP, the picture you paint of your future could be very different. If he doesn't, and you can keep him off the birth certificate, it may be easier.

Congratulations on baby

It's also pretty personal and borders on bullying to tell everyone who comes onto a thread that you are collectively ignoring one poster.

Slithy, I think if you saw any of the content of the banned posts you would be quite frankly shocked. The moderators have asked her to tone down her comments. If I want to ignore a poster I will.

And due to what she said yesterday which was pretty damn awful I choose not to listen to her any further.

Slithy the posts were banned because I was reminding OP that at 6 weeks it was very early days so termination was very much an option. The T word isn't tolerated well, understandably, and I'm fine that the posts were removed.

But yes, you're right, I'm trying to put some perspective on this that's all.

What's a surf chic?

The fact that you felt you had a right to bring it up in the first place when I have clearly made my mind up already is beyond words. You simply have no right. You are stranger to me. And you consistently kept bringing up termination when I said I didn't want one. Talking about the fact that it was only the size of a pea etc

Anyway I'm not going to be dragged through the same rubbish as yesterday just to fill your day.

Bee it's a surfer girl :)

OK if you won't listen to me want to bury you head in the sand I shall back off. Hopefully other posters will come along with some knowledge about the law to advise properly.

So are your plans still to move in with your parents and then go and live abroad?

Ignore all these posters who are trying to impose their views on you Cherry. ok you may have been a bit irresponsible but can anyone of us say we haven't made a mistake in our lives--and lets face it there is a hell of a lot worse things that can happen to you than having a baby.
Keep the father out of the equation and do not bank on him being around. From what you say you have supportive family and friends and that is worth a whole lot more than a part-time unreliable/absent father.
You WILL be fine bring up your Dc on your own.
Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Cherry, the mods haven't commented at all.

You of course can ignore as much as you like. But it is worth noting that what unreal is saying is based on current law, and therefore shouldn't be dismissed just because of previous comments or a personal dislike. I would advise doing your own research based on what has been said - perhaps not using your lawyer friend as he doesn't seem to have current advice - and make decisions based on that. As pp have said, it's not just the dad, birth certificate and PR you have to consider, but also things like paternal grandparents etc.

It's not an easy road you have embarked upon - but parenting rarely is, and if nothing else, it will be rewarding!

It is also worth noting that in a forum environment, you can butt heads massively on one thread and then agree totally on another, so perhaps not letting it become a personal dislike is wise.

X post.

You made your decision to keep this baby with a misguided and poorly advised understanding of the legal consequences.

I and others have given you the facts, but you choose to believe people who misinform you.

When you are a parent in a custody battle, integrity is everything. You can bang your fists and believe lies, accuse and blame others, but if you mess the court about you could lose more than you bargained for.

Thanks need to get a grip!

Slithy, the mods have asked her to tone down her views but on private messages to her. It won't be done publicly. I received a private message from them yesterday.

Carry on having conversations with yourself. I'm not taking part or justifying/explaining my plans to a complete stranger who feels it's her right to ask me personal questions about my situation. It's no ones business.

I think what some posters seem to find hard to distinguish is between an involved prospective father who is desperately keen to be recognised as a father and have a significant input into the baby's life, and a deadbeat waste of space father who has no inclination or intention to get involved with his child.

From what the OP has said, the father of her child falls into the latter category. Whilst it is possible he will suddenly have a revelation and seek to be a great and involved parent, odds are he will bugger off to Australia and that'll be that. Even if he has some involvement, I doubt he's suddenly going to be seeking 50:50 residence (doesn't he live in a flat share and prefer to spend his money surfing?), meaning that the OP, in all likelihood, won't need to consider his point of view in how she raises her baby.

Thankfully DD's father also fell into the latter category and I've had a great time with her. We've travelled, gone back-packing through South East Asia, moved around the country and I've never once had to consult him on anything. I know plenty of others who've been in the same situation.

And yet you have opened that situation up to a public forum and asked for others personal stories.

Anyway, I get the impression you are ignoring me because I'm not saying what you want to hear, so I will sign off wishing you the best of luck and my congratulations once more.

People with mental illness can look after a child or are you saying all the mothers with PND should not be allowed sole access to their children?

You have been offensive with some of your comments Cherry and they are not allowed on MN.

For me right now I'm trying to focus on my pregnancy. I've never been pregnant before and I'm doing this one my own. For me this is taking things one step at a time. I am absolutely not going to concern myself with PR stuff until 'I' am ready not a stranger. I have much, much bigger things on my plate right now.