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Original poster

Pregnant and single :(

343 replies

Cherryblossom200 · 27/06/2014 17:41

Hi everyone,

Long story which I will try to condense as much as possible...I'm 38 and met a guy 4 months ago who is the same age. We met online and had an amazing first date which lasted 8 hours long. On the 2nd date we had another great time, but he told me he has a Visa for Australia. He was upfront and honest with me and said he plans to live there for good (he is from the UK) we said we would continue the relationship for the next 6 months before he leaves to see if it would blossom and then make a decision about whether he would stay and wait for me.

The next 3-4 months were great, a bit up and down whenever we brought up oz and naturally I was worried about getting in to deep emotionally if he would just up and leave at any stage. He instigated a lot of the relationship and dictated the speed etc, he took me away for a wonderful weekend, booked us a holiday away in the south of france. Was amazing. I fell in love with him pretty quickly, he was very attractive and had a great personality. He slowly introduced me to his close friends and brother (I didn't really introduce him to many of my close friends) according to his friend he hadnt done this before.

About 2 months into the relationship I confessed my feelings and told him I loved him, he said he wasnt sure if he was in love me yet. But continued the relationship anyway. About 3 weeks before we split up when I was about to break up with him because he wasn't being forthcoming with his plans for oz he told me he loved me. So I felt over the moon, was elated!

We had sex a number of times without protection, he knew I wasnt on birth control so seemed happy with taking the risk. We spoke about our desire to have kids all the time. He made it clear he wanted children and didn't seem phased that if he was to stay with me we would have to think about starting a family sooner rather than later (I made this clear to him when I first started dating him)

Anyway a week before we split up we visited his visa lawyer to discuss the possibility of us going to oz together in the future, after this he had a panic attack in the evening and broke up with me the next day.

Two days later I found out I was pregnant. I told him and it went down like a ton of bricks. He made it clear he doesn't want to be with me, said he shouldn't of told me he loved me as he doesn't love me, said he doesnt want this baby and asked me to have a termination.

I have decided to keep the baby and go it alone. I simply can't terminate at this age and I want the baby dearly. Though I would of preferred to be in a relationship!

I have a very supportive family and financially I will be fine.

The father is emotionally unstable so no idea what he will do. I truly suprised by his reaction as he went on about how much he wanted kids all the time and how he would make a great dad?! He spoke on holiday about what our kids would look like? I makes no sense whatsoever.

We are both from middle class families, his parents are both pyschologists (so I'm wondering if this is why he is so messed up?!) but I feel that I have been duped by a commitment phobe...

I own my own place, have pets etc. He lives in a flatshare with 5 other people, surfs and spends all his money travelling. He has never lived with a girl and the girls he has had relationships with he never loved. The only girl he properly loved he is still very close with 20 + years with, she lives in another country but they speak on skype all the time. It was unrequited love on his side, she isn't even aware that he loved her. He speaks about her fondly, thinks she is amazing and beautiful but it's very clear she isn't interested in him otherwise they would have got together years ago. Plus she is in a relationship with someone else. He sayd he no longer loves her...but I feel subconciously he still does.

He is seeking therapy now.

I think it's very sad this has happened. He has treated me terribly since I told him I was pregnant, he asked me to 'prove' my pregnancy by meeting him so he could do the test himself. Was utterly degrading and humiliating.

I have no idea what he will do now...maybe he will go to oz and leave us alone. Part of me hopes he will go. But another part of me would hope he wakes up to this and grows up. Deep down I know he desperatley wants a family and has a good heart, but he seems petrified/angry and feels I have trapped him.

Despite amazing support from friends and family, being pregnant for the first time and doing it on my own is lonely and daunting...

I'm only 6 weeks 4 days so still early days and I'm trying not to stress.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated? Do you think he will come around?

xx

OP posts:
Thrice · 01/07/2014 18:25

He was in his mid 30s - I was a bit younger. My parents pressured us to get married but just from the way he reacted to the pregnancy it was obvious the best we'd be signing up for was a miserable few years of pretending we were something we weren't. He is happier now with his (very young Hmm wife) and I would never have chosen a different path from the one we have.

No biggy if he's not around - if he wants to be later you can re-register, and if he doesn't then you get to call all the shots. My DC1 is accomplished, worldly and just got into an international programme (useful if he and his bio dad decide he should live in that country) - but he and I have an amazing relationship, have had an amazing life and honestly his bio father can be as involved as he wants to be as time goes on. A solid foundation is important. And, really, from Australia - what's the difference between the UK and Switzerland?!

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 01/07/2014 18:26

Yeah the situation with him is, he has to go to Oz this year otherwise his visa expires. Originally he was going in August. But in his last message he said he would be in the Uk for the next 6 months (bringing him to Dec). He could go to validate his visa by just going on holiday and coming back to the UK, I'm just not entirely sure he would be happy with this as would be cutting into his surf time. Sooo, he prob will be on Bondi when his child is being born (all things going well on my side of course!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 01/07/2014 18:30

I think he will end up with a 20 year old surf chic for a wife who doesn't expect much from him. When he starts losing his hair...which is slowly starting to happen he may think differently ;) at the mo he is really attractive bit looks don't last forever

OP posts:
Thrice · 01/07/2014 18:33

If you or he or both of you decide that you want him on the birth certificate, you can re-register. It is really easy and I did it after I married my younger DCs father. Interestingly enough my DC1's bio dad has also lost his hair!

No matter what, the decision to have the baby is yours. Think about the life you will have together. It sounds like your DC is going to have a wonderful time of it.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 01/07/2014 18:36

Good to hear you re-married. Did you find having a child hindered your chance of meeting someone new?

OP posts:
Thrice · 01/07/2014 18:42

Not at all. At a certain age, everyone has baggage. A beautiful child, where other people have addictions or ex-wives they support or massive debts? Or lives with their parents, or... god, life is complicated. To be honest, I wasn't looking. But when we found each other, the fact I had a kid really didn't matter. Over time they formed their own bond.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 01/07/2014 18:44

Lovely to hear Thrice :) thanks so much! x

OP posts:
stubbornstains · 01/07/2014 19:24

I know at least 3 people who got together with their life partners while they were carrying someone else's child Wink x

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 01/07/2014 19:28

That would be a dream come true! I find it a bit strange that a man would want to be with a pregnant woman?! And not their baby? Would be really lovely though :)

OP posts:
stubbornstains · 01/07/2014 20:26

Yes, I found it odd too, but I guess they saw the whole package, and fell in love with the woman, not just the bump. And were happy to raise the baby with her (I think the bio fathers were bolters in all but one of these cases, so they became the child's real father in all but genes).

unrealhousewife · 01/07/2014 22:37

Just keeping a quiet eye on you Cherry, but Thrice has given you misleading advice about Parental Responsibility. You have to give it to him if he asks for it, you have to give him access if he asks for it and that might be 50/50, and he will be able to block a move abroad regardless of contact if he has PR.

The law has changed dramatically, a lot of this advice on here is out of date.

Hth.

Twinklestein · 01/07/2014 23:32

Who has parental responsibility:

A mother automatically has parental responsibility for her child from birth.

A father usually has parental responsibility if he’s:

  • married to the child’s mother
  • listed on the birth certificate (after a certain date, depending on which part of the UK the child was born in)

You can apply for parental responsibility if you don’t automatically have it.

Unmarried parents:

An unmarried father can only get legal responsibility for his child in 1 of 3 ways:

  • jointly registering the birth of the child with the mother (from 1 December 2003)
  • getting a parental responsibility agreement with the mother
  • getting a parental responsibility order from a court

www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities/who-has-parental-responsibility

unrealhousewife · 01/07/2014 23:49

... And an application by the father to the court nearly always grants PR.

unrealhousewife · 01/07/2014 23:52

And once PR is granted choice of school, country of residence and medical issues need agreement from the father.

Twinklestein · 01/07/2014 23:58

I would give up while you're behind unreal

I don't know why you're still on this thread.

unrealhousewife · 02/07/2014 00:03

As long as people are misleading Cherry about the law and giving her a false impression of her future with her child, I'm staying. Thanks for your opinion :)

Fideliney · 02/07/2014 01:00

To be fair to unrealhousewife the OP has so far managed to be sneery about mothers who need to claim benefits, used "you all sound like demented mental patients as an insult" and trotted out the ludicrous and baseless claim that abortion causes lifelong psychological trauma (and I've only skim-read the thread) so it is hard to get carried away with the idea that she is a reasonable and pleasant person TBH Hmm

I can't see exactly what URHW has said due to the deletions, but this is hardly a case of a wolf savaging a charming little lamb is it?

Fideliney · 02/07/2014 01:04

Sorry.

OP said;

"I actually feel at times some of the people on here are like a load of demented mental patients"

In which "demented mental patients" is clearly intendeed as an insult.

At Tue 01-Jul-14 13:46:56

Fideliney · 02/07/2014 01:04

Argggh intended^

unrealhousewife · 02/07/2014 01:36

Bizarre I've had so many posts deleted. Definitely a record, but rather unfair considering the really nasty personal attacks on me.

Thanks Fideliney this thread has been like the twilight zone and you have shone the torch of sanity upon it. A small LED torch, but at least I can see kind of a way out.

Can't believe I've been looking up stuff on the F4J page for this, I feel dirty now.

Fideliney · 02/07/2014 01:46

Nobody ever called me a small LED torch of sanity before Grin

Thrice · 02/07/2014 07:14

Things have certainly changed since I was a new mum - I do NOT want to get into the nitty-gritty publically, but nonetheless, having recently been there and done that, the world is still geographically your oyster. PM if you want to get into the details. x

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 02/07/2014 07:36

Oh my word...I've been a member for a week, posted one thread and seem to have acquired a stalker who is going to 'keep a quiet eye on me'...I rest my case, unhinged most definitely. Disturbing.

As I said yesterday, guys ignore her she can continue to have a conversation with herself.

Thrice I will PM you, understand your concerns so prob better to not discuss on here x

OP posts:
unrealhousewife · 02/07/2014 09:07

Thrice, a child has a right to access and input from his father nowadays. You've been there done that when? The law has changed and you are being highly irresponsible to advise someone like this and give them false hopes of running away to Pastures new with their new baby.

If your child's father has PR which he normally will unless there are extremely exceptional circumstances you will need his approval to take a child out of the country for more than one month, he will have a say over what school the child attends and he may well get 50/50 residence. As long as you are prepared for these eventualities, I wish you well with your pregnancy.

I could say a lot of nasty things but I don't. I'm only giving you the facts. If you choose to ignore the facts you are making a bad decision which affects many peoples lives. If you said wholeheartedly that you would be happy to stay in the uk forever and share care 50/50 with someone you say is a twat, then fine be my guest. My guess is that is not how you see your future.

unrealhousewife · 02/07/2014 09:12

Cherry I really can't believe you are 38. I'm not a stalker Grin I just think it's dangerous to put false information about the law on a public forum as other more vulnerable young women will read it.

Unlike Thrice, I actually care about this.