Bad fight and I think I crossed the line

[chickieno1]

Had a very stupid argument with dh this evening. At the dinner table ridiculous about chicken! He got on his high horse about wanting to make his point and I said forget about it and he said he had to make his point. I then got up and took my plate with me and said if he really felt he couldn't leave it then I was going to finish my dinner elsewhere. He then said it was very ignorant of me to leave when he had cooked the dinner etc. I went to the kitchen and he was still going on and then said you can fuck off! Now I don't think we swear at each other and I saw red. I came back into the dining area and said what did you say and he said fuck off again. He was sitting at the table and I pushed him so hard both him and the chair fell over :(. The 9 month old baby was in the high chair next to him and the almost four year old was sitting on the sofa watching something before bath time. Dh got up went upstairs and either slammed a door really hard or hit a wall

We haven't spoken or looked at each other since. I feel really bad and don't know what to say or do :(

I know hells but I thought it was unfair to say that OP's DH needed anger management as iggly did.

She pushed him.
Didn't see anywhere mentioning that she threw him.
She'd have to be pretty damn strong to manage that one!
It wasn't a wrestling match.

Ohhhh I see.
Missed that one.
I totally agree Vampy

STOPwiththehahaheheloling I don't consider my responses to be "pathetically embarrassing", and I am not suggesting that the OP's DH take all the blame.

The OP's husband was being rude and disrespectful. She reacted inappropriately.

The fact that her reaction was inappropriate doesn't change the fact the he was being rude and disrespectful.

If instead of pushing him, the OP had run from the room in tears, shut herself up in her bedroom and posted on MN about her husband's behaviour I doubt you would be suggesting that he'd behaved reasonably. Both parties need to take responsibility for their own actions.

Well the husband is not pregnant.
There was no weapon.
There was no destruction of property.
There were no physical injuries.

As i said, his child wasnt in him but right beside him so same risk of injuring the child. No weapon apart from her hands used with enough force to push him and a chair over. No destruction of property that's true. No physical injuries that we knew about. I didnt show my exp my face as soon as the incident happened, i fled to my parent's house so he wouldnt have known i was injured as i seemed able to leave straight away. As OP's DH did.

they do mrbuster. I don't think this row is necessarily indicative of an abusive relationship on either side, especially as OP says she has never reacted violently before. Directing horrid language at your partner isn't ideal but I can't say I've never done that. Rows are horrible.

I do think OP should think carefully about why she allowed herself to be provoked to such an extent.

We are all parents for a very long time. By the time my last child leaves at 18, I will have been a mother for 30 years.
Of course I will make mistakes as a parent over that time. But you have to look at the whole picture, not a snapshot!

We all make mistakes. This is no way serious enough fur the op to move out, marriage break down, night in cell, criminal record, social services involved.
Some of you lot are absolutely crazy and must live in some strange universe that I would never ever wish to enter.

Actually yes I think so.

Swearing that like in front of children is aggressive to say the least.

If the OP hadn't pushed him - putting what he did in isolation was ridiculous.

As i said, his child wasnt in him but right beside him so same risk of injuring the child. No weapon apart from her hands used with enough force to push him and a chair over. No destruction of property that's true. No physical injuries that we knew about. I didnt show my exp my face as soon as the incident happened, i fled to my parent's house so he wouldnt have known i was injured as i seemed able to leave straight away. As OP's DH did.

Stop I am sorry this happened to you but it is in no way a comparison to the OP.

Well in his shoes i would want space to think. Space to work out what happened, if it was a blip or a culmination of a build up of behaviours, if there had been any other signs, space to decide whether i felt safe and to work out what to do about the dcs and if i felt safe about going to work an leaving them with OP. i probably wouldnt call the police but that's oP's DH's call an i dont think he would be at all 'crazy' if he decided to, even if it was just to have it logged.

Well i disagree dotty and can see how it is similar.

That's fine Stop but I still cannot see how the two are similar at all.

As I said I am sorry that happened to you.

I agree Vampyre - we just don't have enough information to know whether this is an abusive relationship or not. (Although the DH's insistence on continuing and argument and deliberate swearing are red flags as far as I'm concerned.)

Given that for all we know it might be the case that the husband has behaved like this before (without the OP reacting physically), I'm staggered that some posters haven't even considered this possibility and at least asked for more information before rolling out the Salem witch hunt.

Some of the responses on this (one sided, minimally informative account) thread are bonkers. I suggest everyone go back and re-read the original post substituting he for she and dh for DW. Then ask themselves if it's OK.
Fwiw, I regularly come across perpetrators of dv in my line of work and op's post contains some very telling elements of attempts at justification and minimisation for their actions, again, classic dv perpetrator behaviour.

op's post contains some very telling elements of attempts at justification and minimisation for their actions, again, classic dv perpetrator behaviour

Really, mrssmith79? Which elements?

Whether we like it or not, the balance of physical power between most men and women is unequal.
I could push my husband, but ultimately, he could overpower me in seconds.
If he pushed me I wouldn't be able to overpower him.

There is a certain type of manpulative personality whose way of operating is to provoke their partner into a reaction while remaining calm, so that their partner looks like the unreasonable one.

Yes, I have no doubt that there is. but you do realise that you've just trotted out the stock reply of just about every male perpetrator of DV ever, don't you?

'It's not my fault, she pushes my buttons and she won't shut up until I she's pushed me over the edge.'

It is not a defence while there is always the option to walk away. and if they follow you you walk away some more and you keep walking.

FellReturneth it may be a stock reply of male perpetrators of DV, but so is the reply "It's not me, it's her - look, I didn't even raise my voice or lose my temper, she's the one shouting/screaming/pushing me."

The point is, on the limited information we have, we don't know which scenario applies. So why not ask for clarification or further information before replying?

My comment was simply to point out that there are other ways of interpreting the DH's behaviour than just shocked, cowed innocent victim of female violence.

OP - I think a lot of people are over-reacting. He verbally assaulted you and you physically assaulted him. I do not think you need to leave. If this is the first time this has happened, you both need to apologize, have a frank discussion and ensure that this does not happen again!

Lets not get it out of proportion.

Good post, bouquetdiva.

How about:
I think I crossed the line. No love, you know you crossed it but you're trying to play it down.

Now I don't think we swear at each other and I saw red . Yup, swearing isn't the done thing in this house so I'll use that tenuous provocation to help justify my actions.

Dh got up went upstairs and either slammed a door really hard or hit a wall . See, don't put all the blame on me, he's capable of aggressive actions too. Minimising.

And that's me off this thread, like I said, bonkers.

No. what you are doing is trying to justify what she did because she is a woman, in a way that you, I imagine, would not attempt to do if she had been a man.

And if you had, you would have been severely pulled up on it.

and I've already said upthread that we do not know which scenario applies, and the true extent of provocation or verbal abuse in their relationship. the point is, it doesn't matter. Being married to an annoying twat is not an valid excuse for physically assaulting them, ever, no matter what sex they are.

stopwiththelarfing my advice would be different if roles reversed. Maybe because a woman has more chance of being killed by her spouse than any other assailant. It is three times more likely to happen than the other way around (men killed by partners). So I kinda take that into account. Crazy feminist that I am.

On average, yes, but what happened in this case could have resulted in serious injury to the husband's head, which might include death.
We should not discuss averages, but each case on its own.

And I disagree that it matters who stays with the children most of the time to decide on course of action.
In this case, unless people have checked previous history, we don't know if there is a primary carer and who is it.

Hehehe.Mrssmith79 loving the tactic "here's an outrageous assertion. Thats me off this thread". Brilliant