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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Met guy online 6 months ago....

228 replies

LittleLadyFooFoo · 24/06/2014 20:43

...and I've just seen he has activated his profile yesterday! He's been online last night after he told me he was having an early night.
We have been together for 6 months exclusively. As far as I was concerned, everything was great. He's loving, caring, affectionate...and I thought honest and trustworthy.
He will be calling me tonight. How do I broach the subject that I saw him online dating?
(Reason I saw him was my friend is online dating on the same site, and she was showing me her profile and messages. That's when I saw him online. Was a real shock).
Any advice as to what to say to him is welcome. Thanks.

OP posts:
yellowdinosauragain · 30/06/2014 10:10

Yes I'd agree that he doesn't sound ready. I don't think him browsing on the dating site is necessarily a deal breaker for the reasons in my earlier post but I do think you deserve someone who is in the place where they can concentrate on building a relationship with you without all this baggage, which sadly is totally understandable for this man. It doesn't sound like he's a bad person at all but he clearly isn't ready to give you what you need and deserve.

womblesofwestminster · 30/06/2014 12:44

I'm with everyone on this. Bin it.

TalisaMaegyr · 03/07/2014 14:56

What happened in the end OP?

womblesofwestminster · 03/07/2014 20:45

Yeah, what happened?!

Original poster
LittleLadyFooFoo · 04/07/2014 02:06

Tomorrow night is the night! I speak to him face to face. Will let you know how it goes.

OP posts:
pinkfrocks · 04/07/2014 08:39

I just wanted to pick something up that was mentioned from your first post.
You said your friend 'saw' him on the OD site.
Did he match her criteria? Is that how she found him? Does your friend and this guy live near each other so he'd pop into her search- suitable age range and all the rest?

OR- did you ask her on to see if Mr Widower was on the site and search for him?
Because if it's the latter then maybe you should think about what that says- which is your gut feeling was to spy on him.

Also- when you set up an alias profile as a honey trap did you include a photo ( not of yourself clearly!) If not then the odds are he didn't message you for that reason.

I'm sorry but I think the inevitable truth is this:
-He likes you but is not 100% committed yet- and it's too soon for him after being widowed.
-He wanted to see who else was around - he browsed.
-He was caught so is panicking that he is about to be dumped and you suddenly seem attractive again- more so than the unknowns on the dating site.
-He doesn't want to lose you- but neither is he as ready to commit as you thought. You are a 'wait and see' how it turns out , rather than 'the one'.

I think that's all fair enough on his part - it's only a 6 month relationship. But the question is can you step back and be more casual about it? Is that something you could accept?

BitOutOfPractice · 04/07/2014 08:49

I don't think it's "fair enough" no matter how long the relationship. If they had decided to be exclusive then it is not "fair enough"

pinkfrocks · 04/07/2014 08:54

People are allowed to change their minds. I'd judge someone on their idea of exclusivity by their behaviour- not what they say near the start of a short relationship.
I meant it was fair enough not to want exclusivity so soon - given his wobbles at the start anyway. But if he had changed his mind then he ought to have said so.

Original poster
LittleLadyFooFoo · 04/07/2014 08:57

Hi...no, I didn't ask her to look for him online. He matched her criteria, as he did mine as we live close to each other. I actually thought he had deleted his profile so had no reason to look.
I did include a photo in my profile, of someone who looks similar to me (I googled for someone similar who wasn't a celeb!).
I think what you say about him liking me but not quite ready due to still grieving is absolutely correct. I may not be his 'one' as he might not be mine (he's the first since my separation).
I am being quite casual as we don't see each other often enough due to him working away Mon-Fri. However, we do contact each other every day either by text or call.
I really do like him, fancy him like mad but I need to speak to him. I think that trust has been broken and I'm unsure if I can get that back.
I will update how I get on.
Thanks again for advice.

OP posts:
pinkfrocks · 04/07/2014 10:37

Maybe it's not trust that is the issue here but where the relationship stands and is going?
The way I see it is- he really likes you but is not sure if you are The One. And being a bit weak or just plain curious, he thought he'd have a look at what else was out there to try to either reassure himself that you ARE The One or maybe there are other worth meeting.

Of course the RIGHT thing to have done would be to talk to you and tell you he had doubts either about his readiness for a committed relationship or a committed relationship with you.

But like many people, he didn't do the right thing because in his head he's a bit muddled up over what he wants, so he's playing out the various scenarios in his mind- which includes browsing OD.

I think there is a difference between a man who is untrustworthy and a player, and a man who is decent but who has doubts about his readiness for a relationship - or whether his latest GF is the right person- and does a bit of searching online perhaps out of curiosity. You don't really know what his intentions were when he was browsing.

What is clear though is that he is not 100% sure about what you two have so he needs to talk about that- and where you go next as a couple.

Trusting him long-term is - to me- something of a different issue.

eddielizzard · 04/07/2014 11:00

'I did include a photo in my profile, of someone who looks similar to me (I googled for someone similar who wasn't a celeb!).'

ShockShockShockShock

really? i hope there isn't some poor woman out there who's in the shit for having a profile!!!!!

pinkfrocks · 04/07/2014 11:05

Best delete if not already done :)

Original poster
LittleLadyFooFoo · 04/07/2014 14:15

Don't worry...I deleted the profile 2 days after setting it up :0) And it was someone who was an American news reporter...
I felt bad about setting up a profile. The reason my ex and I separated was because he cheated on me so I don't want to go down that route again. I'm stronger now(lots of counselling) and I will not become the snooping gf whom I was before!
Thanks again everyone. You have really helped me remain sane through this.

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 04/07/2014 16:02

ah ok. it's gone.

womblesofwestminster · 04/07/2014 18:02

Good luck for tomorrow OP! Has he been texting much?

pinkfrocks · 06/07/2014 11:00

How did it go OP?

womblesofwestminster · 06/07/2014 22:31

Come on OP, spill the farty beans!

loopylou6 · 07/07/2014 09:31

I SO need to know the outcome of this.

BitOutOfPractice · 07/07/2014 09:31

No update?! Gah!

hellsbellsmelons · 07/07/2014 09:53

I came on for an update too.
I hope it all went well OP.
Let us know what your decision was.
No judging here.
Have a good week.

LizzieBelle · 07/07/2014 18:45

Whatever happened...we need to know!
Is everything OK LittleLadyFooFoo?

rockpink · 07/07/2014 18:54

I'm interested to know how you got on as well!

stargirl04 · 07/07/2014 20:16

I agree that in a perfect world we shouldn't have to play games. But how do you think the police catch criminals? By "refusing to play games" and asking a criminal outright if he committed a crime, in the expectation that the criminal will say, "Okay guv. I appreciate you don't want to play games, so yeah, I did it." ?

The police have to go undercover to catch criminals. I think that if people are lying/cheating, then they deserve to be "investigated" as such .....

LizzieBelle · 07/07/2014 20:56

ah well put Stargirl.

YouAreMyRain · 07/07/2014 21:21

Aw c'mon FooFoo! We want an update I always update my threads unless I am embarrassed about making bad choices

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