Met guy online 6 months ago....

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

...and I've just seen he has activated his profile yesterday! He's been online last night after he told me he was having an early night.
We have been together for 6 months exclusively. As far as I was concerned, everything was great. He's loving, caring, affectionate...and I thought honest and trustworthy.
He will be calling me tonight. How do I broach the subject that I saw him online dating?
(Reason I saw him was my friend is online dating on the same site, and she was showing me her profile and messages. That's when I saw him online. Was a real shock).
Any advice as to what to say to him is welcome. Thanks.

[needsmorecake]

It is the sweet trolly thing, and has no bearing on you at all. Men who dont want a relationship, behave like this. He will do this to the next woman, and the next and they will be left with shredded self esteem while they try to be everything to him to stop him looking. which he wont.

men who want a relationship, dont do things like this. They are honest and dont mess people about. They are a lot harder to find than the sweet trolly type, and few and far between once you start getting over 35.

You did the right thing, be proud that you value yourself enough to act and to not worry about getting proof or hearing him out first.

:)

[forumdonkey]

This happened to me 3 months ago so I know how you feel I handled it a little different to you, I created a profile, not fake, it was a photo of me and messaged him. I'd have loved to have seen his face when he saw it. He dropped off the face of the earth then, I suspect he couldn't face the fact he'd been caught. He did eventually get back in touch with a shitty excuse where it was a comment I'd made that had spurred him to do it yeah right

It's been tough and he hurt me like hell but I've met someone new. karma will take it's course of that I'm sure, if I'm lucky enough I may just hear about it

Good luck and my advice is move on. I'm glad you chose to go on your works do instead

[SoftKittyWarmKitty]

Hesterton I like the picnic spot analogy . They're both pretty accurate. I love the sweet trolley one (which I first heard on the dating thread on here) because it really sums up this kind of situation.

The man browses the sweet trolley and picks a lovely, attractive lemon meringue which satisfies him for a while until he fancies something a little less sweet. So he goes back to browse the sweet trolley and sees a gorgeous slice of gateau with cream. After having the gateau for a while he realises it's too heavy for him and he'd like to try something lighter, so he tries a fruit salad. After a while he feels the fruit salad doesn't have enough substance and doesn't satisfy him. He realises the original lemon meringue was perfect and tries to pick it again, only to realise that it's been snapped up permanently by someone who knew immediately that they wanted lemon meringue and nothing else would do .

Needsmorecake is right in that these men don't want a relationship, they just want the constant attention from numerous women. I'm convinced that the guy I was seeing has very little self respect and self confidence and how he feels about himself is based on the attention he receives from these sites. He also had one foot in the past with his ex, so until he deals with that he'll never change. Why do these men all have issues, while the women are pretty sorted?

LLFF He's clearly been caught bang to rights and has gone into hiding. What a coward. I hope you manage to get in touch with him this evening but just remember to keep your dignity - you're worth much better than this.

[cozietoesie]

Actually, LLFF, if you get no reply by this evening, I'd drop the whole thing. You're still trying to justify your actions to yourself I think - and you really have no need to.

(I except Force Majeure being a reason for the no contact of course but I really don't think that's the case.)

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

Ok...here goes....he called from his train journey. He's been on phone for near 45 minutes.
He read my text and he immediately admitted he had been online. He claims that he had messages in his email inbox that directed him to the OD site. He says he activated his account to read the messages. I then said but it wasn't a one off as I had noticed he had been online a few other times. He said that he apologises and that he didn't message anyone, he was only browsing!! And he said it made him realise that I was the one he wanted to be with. However, I then asked why he hadn't just deleted his account?? He said he is going to do that when he gets to his parents house!!
He was doing the whole 'I really like you a lot LLFF. I don't want this to end. I'm sorry, it will never happen again' type thing! He's bending over backwards now saying he wants to take me away on holiday next month and promises of all sorts of days/nights out. He kept saying how attractive and lovely I was....yada...yada...yada.....

So, how did I leave it? I thanked him for being upfront about being online, but I said I would need to give it some thought as he had broken my trust and that is what is important to me. I said I didn't want to see him this week as I had other things I needed to do, but I would be in touch next weekend regarding how I wish to proceed. He sounded a bit desperate at that point, and he said he would call me tonight. I said I would all him when I felt ready.

Soooo.....feeling a bit drained tbh. Not sure how I feel. I'm thinking I still lust after him as he is extremely hot, but I'm now deflated and don't think I could ever regain trust. What do you wise ladies think I should do?

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

I know the answer....I should end it. As someone said earlier, better do it now, than another 6 months down the line when I might end up more hurt.

[eddielizzard]

well... he has lied - he tried to make out it was just the once. then that he was just browsing, then that he was about to delete the account at his parent's.

do you trust him? do you think you can move on from this?

[cozietoesie]

.....he was only browsing....???

This is a person that you thought was 'loving, caring, affectionate.... honest and trustworthy'. He's clearly none of those things so I'd drop the whole thing right away.

Sorry you're feeling a bit drained. Think of it as a bullet dodged though - sometimes a near escape can leave you rattled.

[flumperoo]

I think he's lying about this:

He claims that he had messages in his email inbox that directed him to the OD site. He says he activated his account to read the messages.

because, in my experience, you can't message people if their profile is inactive.

[YoBitch]

let's face it - he was never going to say "oh yeah, I just fancied hooking up with a few other women" was he??

I think his 'just browsing' comment is bad enough. he was just browsing other potential dates. nice.

please don't become one of those people we see so often on here kicking themselves a few years down the line because they forgave an incident like this early on - only
for it to happen again and again.

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

Hmmm, there's a thought!
He said the messages were old, so whether or not they were from before he deactivated his account. I don't know. I do know that he viewed my fake profile! So, that's enough proof to me that he was browsing....I like the lemon meringue analogy...he's decided he liked the meringue after all.....and it might just be a bit late because the meringue has teamed up with some nice vanilla ice cream for a bit.....

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

Yo, you are right....I spent 12 years with my ex doing exactly that. I'm not going to do it again. Think I might take a break for a bit and enjoy friends and family.

[ohldoneedtogetagrip]

I would bet he doesn't deactivate his account now.
Just a thought if he doesn't deactivate his account could you ask him to prove that he hasn't contacted anyone but obviously only when he is with you not giving him a chance to delete them first.

[Aussiebean]

It's the browsing that concerns me to. He is in a nice relationship but likes to browse and look at single ladies.

You read so often of married men who are just 'curious' so browsed and were never going to contact any of the women.

[Wishyouwould]

So sorry that you've been let down this way OP. It's obvious how much you liked him but it's even more obvious that you are worth more - just my admitting he was browsing says he was treating you as an option rather than a choice - his loss. Hope you're ok

[Wishyouwould]

*by

[FrontForward]

He's lying or at least being 'inventive with the truth'. That is the issue that would most make me call it a day

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

He's inundating me with texts now!
All a bit too much too late.

[cozietoesie]

Ah - you've become ultra-attractive again now that you've turned away and he's in chase mode.

Too bad, eh?

[Only1scoop]

Just caught up Op....

Would he have had to pay a fee to re activate said account?....not that it makes it any better if not really.

My personal experience of going through similar is that it just pushed the evasiveness under stones....hiding profiles etc. Felt gutted as I had given him a chance.

The time frame thing to be would be the big thing. 6 months is quite a long time. My friend was dating someone only a month or so and he did the same. She saw he had been back on the site. He said he was just 'curious' and was apologetic.They are together and very happy.

I think fwiw you are handling this very well. It boils down to trust I guess. Don't waste your time on someone not worthy....

[SoftKittyWarmKitty]

You're doing really well - lots of women would forgive and forget under this kind of calling/texting pressure. Your bullshit radar is clearly switched on. He knows he's fucked up and is trying to pressure you with into forgiving him by using excess attention to flatter you into submission. But as someone else pointed out, he was browsing for other women. I don't believe for one second he never messaged anyone else but you'll probably never know the truth. If the messages in his inbox were old, surely he'd have viewed them months ago, possibly before you met? None of what he says adds up, and as you say, it's the dishonesty that's the deal breaker here.

I'm really sorry LLFF but there are nicer men out there at least I hope so.

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

Hi onescoop....no, it was a free site. So he didn't have to pay a fee. I think it looks like he's been having a scoot around and realised that he was bloody lucky to have met me!!
Well, he's still texting. He's definitely trying to dig himself out of a big hole. No matter how hot he is, I don't know if I could ever trust him again. He could delete the account but quite easily set up another one.

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

Soft kitty...thanks for your support. You are right and I'm getting too long in the tooth to put up with any crap. I shall stick to what I said...contact him next week with my "decision".... Let him sweat for a week and know how it feels to be unsure if the person you were supposed to be with, still wants to be with you or not!

[Walkacrossthesand]

That's exactly it isn't it LLFF - 'know how it feels to be unsure if the person you are with, wants to be with you or not'. Very succinctly put.

[MyLatest]

Let him sweat. And if you really like him then don't rule out giving him another chance IF you think he really has realised that lemon meringue is all he wants (love the analogy :o)