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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Met guy online 6 months ago....

228 replies

LittleLadyFooFoo · 24/06/2014 20:43

...and I've just seen he has activated his profile yesterday! He's been online last night after he told me he was having an early night.
We have been together for 6 months exclusively. As far as I was concerned, everything was great. He's loving, caring, affectionate...and I thought honest and trustworthy.
He will be calling me tonight. How do I broach the subject that I saw him online dating?
(Reason I saw him was my friend is online dating on the same site, and she was showing me her profile and messages. That's when I saw him online. Was a real shock).
Any advice as to what to say to him is welcome. Thanks.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 29/06/2014 14:44

Yes love the 'meringue' analogy Grin

When I was OD ....I used to call the front screen the Little shop of horrors....

The got graded as 'Hermens'

'Trapdoor dwellers'

And my favourite list....'Potential gentlemen callers'

Smile
Dirtybadger · 29/06/2014 14:49

I can't say what you should do, only what I would like to think I'd do; which would be to stick to my guns. I'm sure he regrets you finding out (maybe is even very sorry) but his story stinks and I wouldn't be confident it isn't a sign of things to come (not sure it is either)- far too much of a gamble for someone you've only known 6 months.

Solo · 29/06/2014 15:06

Goodness! this happened to me OP. He denied, said he was reading messages that had been sent to him etc...
Two pregnancies, one baby and 4 years later and I caught him red handed with the OW that had also been 'with him' for 4 years.

I hope things work out the way you want them to OP. Good luck.

Only1scoop · 29/06/2014 15:07

Solo that's awful Hmm

yellowdinosauragain · 29/06/2014 15:25

I met dh online 11 and a half years ago and we've been happily married with 2 sons for nearly 10 years. I deleted the profile on the site we met pretty much straight away but I've intermittently gone back online for a browse just out of idle curiosity. I've never ever been unfaithful, or had any intention of this, or contacted anyone.

What I'm trying to say is that he could still be genuine. Having said that if the trust is gone for you then it's never going to work out but if it hasn't there would be no harm in meeting him and seeing what you think. It's a shame you didn't confront him in person as then you could have asked him to open his profile there and then and you would have been able to see if he's sent messages to anyone.

Trust your gut reaction and end it if you're sure but if you're going to look back and regret at least consider giving him another chance.

exWifebeginsat40 · 29/06/2014 16:54

i had this yesterday - i had half a profile on match ages ago. didn't give it a second thought - until the friend of the guy i met online and have been seeing for 2 months happened upon it.

match leaves you logged in. i had no idea - my profile showed that i had been online in the last 24 hours - i had not.

mind you - if he's told you he's 'browsing' this is all a moot point.

good luck OP.

BitOutOfPractice · 29/06/2014 17:34

exwife I was about to say the same.

I have a profile on POF which has been hidden for over a year. I still get an email and a notification on my phone every week with my matches. Sometimes I log in to get rid of the notification tag on my phone because it annoys me.

Having said that, he's said he's been browsing - which I certainly do not apart from looking aghast at the men POF considers to be my match

purpleroses · 29/06/2014 17:59

I met my DH through online dating. Tbh I don't think either of us got round to deleting our profiles for many months even though the relationship was clearly serious quite early on. We just stopped going online which makes them come much lower down the list of searches other people do. I do remember getting a really nice email from someone who had managed to find my account and going online to reply to it. I think I did delete it at that point (not because I was worried about DP seeing it, just cause I felt I'd wasted the time of the bloke who emailed me)

I probably did browse occasionally though. There were over or two guys the I'd emailed or even meet up with, and one or two i knew in real lifw (small town i live in) so I was kind of seeing what they were up to. Just idle curiosity and absolutely nothing in it. If your BF does now take his profile off I might be inclined to give him a chance. I do think it's important though with online dating to meet the person's friends or family fairly soon. Helps you see who they are in a normal social context, as well as checking they're happy for you to be seen as their GF. Not so easy to introduce multiple GFs to your friends or family really.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 29/06/2014 18:13

OP, I'm really impressed with how you've handled this.

If you can wait it out for a week as you said you will, I think that's a good idea. He needs to realise how close he came to losing you if you do decide to give him another chance. I do think everyone deserves a second chance. Fool me once shame on you and all that.

womblesofwestminster · 29/06/2014 20:19

Any more news op? Waiting with baited breath.

Original poster
LittleLadyFooFoo · 29/06/2014 21:13

Lol...no more significant news. He has text me 7 times. I replied once with i would call him when Im ready.
I want to thank each and every person who replied. You have been an amazing support.
I will keep you up to date.

OP posts:
womblesofwestminster · 29/06/2014 21:52

I kinda feel a little sorry for him. He made a mistake. Has he made mistakes like this before? Or is this his first?

Only1scoop · 29/06/2014 21:53

Stay strong mull over the trust issue....

Window shop in meantime Grin

HotDogJumpingFrogAlburquerque · 29/06/2014 22:31

I think leaving him to stew for a week is an excellent idea. If you want to give home another chance, it will be good for him to know how it feels.

If you decided not to, it will be good for him to have had some of his time wasted, since he wasted 6 months of yours!

Original poster
LittleLadyFooFoo · 29/06/2014 23:00

Well...hes at his parents and no sign of his profile having been deleted. I thought it may be one of the first things he did on aririval!!

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleLadyFooFoo · 29/06/2014 23:05

Womble....Ive actually dismissed some behaviours due to him grieving. I do feel for him as he gets upset some times. He does show me a lot of affection....he is very tactile. I dont know how i feel. i do need the week to think abput it. Im meeting him Friday.

OP posts:
womblesofwestminster · 29/06/2014 23:09

Has he done anything before re: fidelity?

Scarletohello · 29/06/2014 23:10

What were the behaviours you dismissed?

Original poster
LittleLadyFooFoo · 30/06/2014 00:04

He has never done anything re fidelity. He did after 2 months tell me he 'couldn't do this' as he felt guilt and asked if we could just be friends. So I stopped contacting him. Then about 2 weeks later I was on holiday and he called asking to meet me when I got back. He wanted to start seeing me again. He said he was feeling in a 'better place'.
He has cancelled on me a couple of times as he's been too upset. He hasn't done that for a couple of months.
He has called me at work to ask my advice about his feelings/grief/life. I'm happy to do that at convenient times but as a teacher, I can't take calls in the classroom. And when he doesn't get an answer, he has called back again and again.
I felt like I was more a counsellor than a girlfriend.

OP posts:
brdgrl · 30/06/2014 00:55

Would you be ok with dating someone who rang you at work to discuss his sadness about another relationship - and rang back repeatedly when you didn't pick up? Who played with your feelings and expected you to be consistently understanding and forgiving?

Of course there are going to be people who jump on me saying that and point out that a bereavement is, obviously, different from a divorce or breakup. Of course it is. But on your end, as his sounding board, it is similar in terms of what it demands from you emotionally. And if there is not a reciprocal concern for your feelings, and a real effort to make you feel (at just six months in!) secure - it's not a partnership.

And you should not be being used as his counselor. He needs to find someone else (or really, someone elses plural, including perhaps someone professional) to do that with so that he can create a different kind of relationship with you.

I hope you won't accept his excuses, because I think he will eventually do more than 'browse' - I'm sorry, and I don't usually say LTB - but I think you are very sensible and you are reading signs that this guy is not ready to treat you as you deserve to be treated.

Dirtybadger · 30/06/2014 02:26

It does sound like he's using you as a counsellor (not exclusively, of course). And possibly not "ready". It's not really his fault, as such, he probably can't see it, but it ain't yours either.

cozietoesie · 30/06/2014 08:01

It sounds, actually, as if he's using you almost as a 'Mummy' substitute. How does he get on with his parents?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 30/06/2014 09:09

Ugh. After your last post I'd say bin immediately. So what if he's grieving? Repeated calls when he knows you're busy is intrusive, unboundaried, self obsessed and just awful behaviour.

Original poster
LittleLadyFooFoo · 30/06/2014 09:27

You know, when its all written down, is does look crap doesn't it?
He does support me. I lost my dad recently and he's been very supportive. However, I don't let it impact on our relationship. That's the difference.

OP posts:
YouAreMyRain · 30/06/2014 09:39

To be honest OP, it doesn't sound like he is ready for this relationship. I appreciate he is grieving, that's natural, but it's impacting on your relationship in a negative way.

I think it's a good thing that this has happened now. It has given you some time and space to reflect and re-evaluate.

Thanks