Met guy online 6 months ago....

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

...and I've just seen he has activated his profile yesterday! He's been online last night after he told me he was having an early night.
We have been together for 6 months exclusively. As far as I was concerned, everything was great. He's loving, caring, affectionate...and I thought honest and trustworthy.
He will be calling me tonight. How do I broach the subject that I saw him online dating?
(Reason I saw him was my friend is online dating on the same site, and she was showing me her profile and messages. That's when I saw him online. Was a real shock).
Any advice as to what to say to him is welcome. Thanks.

[Tinks42]

He felt guilty dating someone else? He's on line OP. Don't fall into that trap! Have you spent time at his house?

[Tinks42]

The man is a liar and (if his wife died) makes him bloody worse! He has "used" that!

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

I have only been at his house a handful of times. He spends more. Time at mine.
He has just called me as if nothing is wrong. We have arranged a weekend meet (cinema) so will speak to him them. But I'm a bit of a cynic since my ex (children's father). And there really isno excuse for his online activity.
I have learnt something about myself though...I'm stronger than I though.

[Tinks42]

why on earth haven't you called him on it OP? why would you see him and "pretend" also that he hasn't done what he has? are you scared to let go of something that isn't worthy of you?

[Tinks42]

OP really? tell him you saw him on-line and dump his arse. you can go round the houses all you want but the fact is he's looking elsewhere. There is no excuse.

[brdgrl]

LittleLady I thought that was what you meant, I am married to a man who was a widower.
I had an absolute epiphany moment about six months into the relationship when I realised that his widower status didn't change one single thing about my needs or my desire to be with someone who treated me as an equal - that I deserved to be in a relationship where I was treated well and not expected to accept excuses for anything less - just like any other person with healthy self-esteem and a capacity to love. If he was ready to treat me with respect and real love, then I'd be all in, but I wasn't going to make any excuses for him.

Your BF may give you a lot of excuses about why he's been on the site, and I predict some of them will be about his grief. They may even be genuine. But that isn't a reason for you to accept them. You deserve better, no matter how hot he is! x

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

Tinks and brd...thanks for feedback. I really appreciate your honesty.
My plan is to tell him face to face at the weekend. I agree, my bullshit detector will be polished especially for the occasion.
I put up with crap from my ex, so no matter how hot this guy is, you are right...I am worth more. I have been attending counselling for my self esteem and confidence since my separation from my children's father last year. I am not prepared to take a backward step.
Thanks...everyone who has replied has given me the kick up the ass I needed to take of my rosé tinted specs.

[Tinks42]

Good luck OP. You have come so far by the sounds of it, don't let this arse of a liar step back.

[Tinks42]

make "you" step back (of course, stupid sticky keyboard). If anything go the other way and a whif of a scent, run for the hills. People that are genuine never give you a reason to doubt a thing.

[Tinks42]

In order to post in relationships on here there is something "wrong" and to have hardly any history with someone it means you know in your heart that its a "dump" situation however you try to convince yourself different. If it doesn't feel right it isn't.

[daisychain01]

littlelady just to agree with what PPs have said, bereavement, loss of a partner is no reason for bad behaviour, said by someone who is myself a widow and had to put my life back together after losing my DH suddenly.

It was very hard starting to date after losing someone you love and having to rebuild, it involved a lot of soul-searching. I met my now DP online, and thinking about where we were 6 months down the line (ie at the stage you are now), we had both closed our online dating accounts, together at the same computer! After about 6 weeks.

To move forward after my DH was a big deal for me, but I am sure there are many responses to bereavement, for example some attempt to "search for" what you've lost, which of course you cant replace, you just have to move forward .

I am not for a moment excusing your guy, him going back on the dating site really isn't on! Like brdgrl has said, you have needs and you deserve to be treated respectfully and honestly.

I hope he gives you a reasonable explanation, but I'd be very careful about excuses linked to bereavement, if anything you'd think he would want to respect the memory of his late DW by being faithful in dating.

[scottishmummy]

You seem very sensible in your reflections.hes at it
Do be aware its not your role to save or rescue men.widowers or not
If you have a predilection to rescue folk,be mindful it can be impair judgement

[TalisaMaegyr]

I can't believe you're waiting until the weekend to confront him about this! How can you stand it?

[TheWorldAccordingToJC]

I refer you to my first message!

honestly don't play games. it's pretty obvious he's keeping options open and that's absolutely fine - providing you're in the loop about that. you're.not - so he's in the wrong

just call him tonight and ask him why he's online.every.night and then await his response

[daisychain01]

theWorld I agree with you - playing games really takes you down a slippery slope. Honest conversation, this is what I need, what do you need? bish-bash-bosh.

I've only just found out by being on MN about the technique of setting up a bogus account and trying to get the person to respond (shows how slow I am

[ruready2c2]

Just so you know most of these sites show you on-line when start up your computor .You don't need to be on there web site

[TheWorldAccordingToJC]

Sounds like a convenient excuse to me Ru!

I had a boyfriend some years ago who did exactly this. We'd been dating a few months and we'd had the exclusivity chat. It wasn't love but y'know .. It was ok!

I was on the site closing my account when I checked on his. It showed him as active within the past 24 hours. I thought ' hmmm' and left my account as it was and then spent a couple of days checking. It showed him at various times online.

I just called him and asked. He said he was on there trying to close his account. I said, ' what, for the last three days? ' and he said ' it's just difficult finding the right area of the site to do it '

I didn't believe him. So I just knocked it on the head.

I honestly think that online dating IS all about seeing multiple people and dating etc. why not? And I don't actually see a need to completely announce this it someone you're dating as such.

But if you've had a chat about not seeing other people then it's poor behaviour to keel having a little look ' just in case .. ' I mean, when do you stop doing that?

So I really would ask him directly and pleasantly with no apologies or explanations as to how you know. That's kind of irrelevant. Have an honest chat. And don't be fobbed off.

I'd probably ditch him and find someone else. Life is too short to be with someone you can't actually trust. The exception would be if you liked him enough to keep dating him but also saw other people yourself. Is this something you could do? If not, then get rid

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

I will see him tomorrow so will wait.
I want to see his body language. I think OD is about seeing other people when you are scouting around. However, after 6 months and an exclusive talk, its not on. I went OD to find a partner, and not one I am prepared to share.
He has not been on today. I did notice that if you dont log out you remain online. However, I think Im kidding myself. Trust is important and its not easy to get back once broken. I like him a lot (fancy him heaps) but not enough to waste time playing games.
Tbanks for all your advice...everyone who has replied...I will let you know what happens.

[TalisaMaegyr]

You've got your head screwed on OP. I like the cut of your jib

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

He is sooooo dumped!! He just sent me a text...all friendly with kisses...and 5 mins later I check and he's online!! Feel like texting him right now. Should I? Or hold out till I see him in person tomorrow? Grrr!

[YoBitch]

OP, I actually don't believe you are going to dump him. you would have done it by now otherwise.

[Only1scoop]

No just face to face tmrw....if you can still be arsed to meet up.

[brdgrl]

Face to face. I'd be tempted to give him a lot of rope first, though...

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

Yo, believe me.. I will be dumping! I want to see his face when I tell him what I know. Then I shall be getting in my car and driving home!

[Only1scoop]

Op do you think he may suspect you know already? Do you think he has recognised your friend? Did he reply to your fake message?