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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

endless arguments with DP about sex

113 replies

mollywolly · 20/06/2014 18:30

I just needed to offload here because I feel like I'm going mad.

My DP is now on the verge of breaking up with me because he says I won't let him have the kind of sex he wants, and that I always refuse him and say no. Now we're having no sex whatsoever because, in his words, it's pointless because it's always the way I want it. He blames me entirely for all of this and refuses to accept any kind of responsibility for our sex life, saying he's tried too many times and now it's too late. I'm currently doing a demanding degree course with long work placements and exams, I do pretty much all the stuff in the house and always cook etc. I've tried to explain that sometimes I might not be up for the things he wants to do, but it's nothing to do with him, more that I'm stressed out etc, and he says I'm making excuses and rejecting him. I feel like I've made an effort - have bought some sexy underwear and etc and I do initiate sex, but he still insists that everything is on my terms. He says that everyone knows that if a woman truly fancies her man she'd be up for anything and would never or rarely say no. I don't think that's fair - especially as for women, life tends to get in the way a bit sometimes. I've suggested things he could do to seduce and romance me, but he says he's done everything and there's no point.

If I try to talk to him about it, he says I don't listen to him and he's made his point clear and it's up to me to do something about it. He says I'm nagging if I try and explain how I feel.

I feel we've reached a kind of stalemate and don't really know what to do now.
Sorry it's a bit long!

OP posts:
BrucieTheShark · 20/06/2014 18:34

Let him go.

OldLadyKnowsSomething · 20/06/2014 18:35

I'd let him go, tbh. An attitude that a woman should be up for everything and never say no quite frankly stinks. The rest of it doesn't sound much better, and I think you deserve more than that.

BrucieTheShark · 20/06/2014 18:36

At best, you are sexually incompatible.

At worst he is lazy, selfish and misogynistic.

Either way or anything in the middle it seems unlikely to work out.

Verynovicegardener · 20/06/2014 18:36

So, he's not getting ' the kind of sex he wants' and now to punish you he refuses to have any sex at all.

What the betting his kind of sex is all about him, porno style and not that enjoyable for you whatsoever.

If you really live him and he is great in other ways then maybe suggest relate but tbh, it would struggle massively to want to be with someone as unreasonable as him.

CoffeeTea103 · 20/06/2014 18:37

I would let him go. This is not how a decent man thinks of behaves.

TheAwfulDaughter · 20/06/2014 18:37

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NorthEasterlyGale · 20/06/2014 18:37

He sounds like a selfish twat to me. How long have you put up with him?

thecageisfull · 20/06/2014 18:39

He says that everyone knows that if a woman truly fancies her man she'd be up for anything and would never or rarely say no

I've heard it all now. Tell him women are people, just like people are people. Then tell him to fuck off.

People who want to have sex with someone who isn't enjoying it are, at best, weird.

TheHouseatWhoCorner · 20/06/2014 18:40

I'd walk away. He's pressuring you and making you feel responsible for his needs.

NewNameForSpring · 20/06/2014 18:40

Just from reading the title I guessed that the OP would be doing most of the housework and cooking. Why do you do that? Why would you feel like having sex if you are doing so much?

BakerStreetSaxRift · 20/06/2014 18:40

Talk about cutting off his nose to spite his face.

You won't do it how he wants, so he won't do it at all? What is it he wants?

Titsalinabumsquash · 20/06/2014 18:40

What a prick, dump his sorry ass and then he can have sex with his hand instead.
He sounds like he wants you around just to satisfy his sexual needs, regardless if you're feelings on the matter.

Rideronthestorm · 20/06/2014 18:41

Kick him out and find a decent bloke. He's a creep.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 20/06/2014 18:42

It sounds like he has no consideration for your circumstances (being exhausted). I agree with Brucie, let him use someone else.

If he is asking for the kind of sex you are not comfortable with, then you have every right to say no. If that is a deal breaker for him, then it is up to him to go. Emotionally abusing you to make you do it is not right. Keep your boundaries. The emotional abuse should be a deal breaker for you...big red flag.

alphabook · 20/06/2014 18:44

I agree with Brucie.

I fancy my DH, but sometimes I'm tired/not feeling well/not in the mood.
The fact that your DP doesn't respect that about you is very worrying.

I'm curious to know what the difference is between the kind of sex you want and the kind of sex he wants?

CailinDana · 20/06/2014 18:47

What he's trying to do is to coerce you into having sex you don't want by making you feel guilty. There's a word for that.

He clearly has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever, he just sees you as a sex toy/domestic appliance that isn't functioning properly and needs to be manipulated back into doing what he wants.

The only thing to do is to tell him to go and find one of these women who's happy to be a sex toy. He'll have a long search I think.

Fairenuff · 20/06/2014 18:48

He is an abusive bully. Let him go.

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 20/06/2014 18:48

Sigh.

There is a word for someone who wants to have a kind of sexual contact with someone when that someone doesn't welcome or enjoy that contact.

He's supposed to love and honour you, OP, not treat you as a squeeze toy to have sex on without caring if you like it.

BrucieTheShark · 20/06/2014 18:48

Unfortunately, I bet he goes nowhere. If you are doing everything in the house then he has a nice set-up there.

He will probably just continue to try and make you feel bad so that you may eventually cave and start doing some 'don't leave me' sexual gymnastics.

Or just slightly enjoy abusing you and seeing your misery, while wanking copiously and enjoying his home-cooked meals.

Praps quicker to sling him out?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 20/06/2014 18:49

Ugh he sounds selfish, entitled, stupid, creepy and frankly disgusting. I can't see why you would ever want to fuck him again. Grim.

Kleptronic · 20/06/2014 18:49

Bloody hell. What are you getting out of this? Get rid of him. His opinions and behaviour are red flags for a wrong 'un.

Run! Run for freedom! Run for self respect!

Itsfab · 20/06/2014 18:49

He sounds horrible. He is having a tantrum because he can't shag you how he wants. He is a bully and really thick that he hasn't worked out that a lady is more likely to do stuff her partner wants in the bedroom if he has been a decent bloke out of it!

Do NOT give in to his tantrums and tell him to back off or else he can have the sex he wants but will have to pay for it as you are out.

BrucieTheShark · 20/06/2014 18:50

Ah no you see BillnTed that is not enough for these types.

You have to PRETEND you're loving it in full porn star mode.

weatherall · 20/06/2014 18:50

He sounds like a wannabe rapist.

SuchSweetSorrow · 20/06/2014 18:51

Yes, get rid. He is well and truly showing you most of his true colours here