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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

endless arguments with DP about sex

113 replies

mollywolly · 20/06/2014 18:30

I just needed to offload here because I feel like I'm going mad.

My DP is now on the verge of breaking up with me because he says I won't let him have the kind of sex he wants, and that I always refuse him and say no. Now we're having no sex whatsoever because, in his words, it's pointless because it's always the way I want it. He blames me entirely for all of this and refuses to accept any kind of responsibility for our sex life, saying he's tried too many times and now it's too late. I'm currently doing a demanding degree course with long work placements and exams, I do pretty much all the stuff in the house and always cook etc. I've tried to explain that sometimes I might not be up for the things he wants to do, but it's nothing to do with him, more that I'm stressed out etc, and he says I'm making excuses and rejecting him. I feel like I've made an effort - have bought some sexy underwear and etc and I do initiate sex, but he still insists that everything is on my terms. He says that everyone knows that if a woman truly fancies her man she'd be up for anything and would never or rarely say no. I don't think that's fair - especially as for women, life tends to get in the way a bit sometimes. I've suggested things he could do to seduce and romance me, but he says he's done everything and there's no point.

If I try to talk to him about it, he says I don't listen to him and he's made his point clear and it's up to me to do something about it. He says I'm nagging if I try and explain how I feel.

I feel we've reached a kind of stalemate and don't really know what to do now.
Sorry it's a bit long!

OP posts:
BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 20/06/2014 18:51

Too many someones in my last post...

"There is a word for a person who wants to have a type of sexual contact with someone when that someone doesn't welcome or enjoy that contact."

Yy Brucie.

expatinscotland · 20/06/2014 18:52

So he sits on his arse doing duck all in the home, and he sees you as a domestic appliance with holes for him to shag whenever he wants and you need to feel good about it.

Dump him NOW. He can hire a cleaner, eat ready meals and buy a blow up doll.

He's a lazy, selfish, misogynistic abuser.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/06/2014 18:53

It's very easy. No one has to do anything they don't want to. He doesn't have 'the right' to have any kind of sex at all. You do absolutely have the right not to do anything or specific things or just when you feel like it.

Any man that doesn't understand that, well I wouldn't be with him.

NutellaLawson · 20/06/2014 19:00

I had a be like this. I suggested he let me peg him. He would not have it that a man's arsehole is the same as a woman's. He honestly believed it was a woman's place to be penetrated (anywhere he pleased). He is an ex, of course.

The housework and degree course is it re. Even if he did everything around the house that doesn't give him the right to make you his fuck puppet. He needs one of those realistic sex dolls. A genuine person is out of his league.

NutellaLawson · 20/06/2014 19:01

I meant the housework is irrelevant.

vicmackie · 20/06/2014 19:01

I feel we've reached a kind of stalemate and don't really know what to do now

Well you only have two options, really, don't you? Either jettison your entire sense of yourself as a person and do everything he wants, when he wants it. Or tell him to go fuck himself.

He's a cunt. Get rid.

MiniTheMinx · 20/06/2014 19:01

He sounds like another one who has probably been watching porn and now has some unrealistic idea about women and thinks all women are the same, interchangeable and it would seem also disposable when the reality doesn't fit with his delusions.

Meeeep · 20/06/2014 19:16

How about less of the "woman fancying her man" and more about this particular man loving and respecting the woman he is with.

What an arrogant prick. TBH not many woman would want to sleep with their partner if that was their attitude. And what on earth makes him think what he wants in the bedroom trumps what you want? No other word for it, he sounds like a pig!

Hissy · 20/06/2014 19:16

Love, I know how overwhelming all the responses here are, but we're all here to support you and listen.

You really are worth a bazillion times more than this.

mollywolly · 20/06/2014 19:39

Thanks so much for all your replies, everyone! I'm glad it's not just me thinking those things. I do totally stand up for myself with him, which is what I think annoys him even more! The trouble is, when he's being nice he is really nice, but somehow just cannot or will not entertain any viewpoint but his own when it comes to sex. It doesn't help that some young fellas on a certain tv show said something which essentially supported his way of thinking. I understand he gets sexually frustrated but like another poster here says, he's really not going about it all the right way and yet seems completely unable to understand this.

It's just massively frustrating on all levels!!! sigh

Thanks again everyone. Smile

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 20/06/2014 19:43

Stop skivvying for him. Are you renting? Give notice and move.

He's an abusive wanker.

OldLadyKnowsSomething · 20/06/2014 19:46

Yeah, they're all nice when they want to be. But he doesn't help around the house, he doesn't cook; does he shop? Do his own laundry, clean his own shit off the loo? Being nice from time to time just isn't enough to make it in the long term, cut your losses, and set him free.

You can always tell him it's because you're not woman enough for him. Wink

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 20/06/2014 19:50

"DP, why do you want me to have sex that I won't enjoy?"

avoiretre · 20/06/2014 19:50

What does he actually want that's the problem?

expatinscotland · 20/06/2014 19:52

For her to be 'up for it' whenever he wants, for one. Woman are men's personal wank socks.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/06/2014 19:54

What does he do that's nice? You do everything around the house and he wants you to do everything in the bedroom as well.

avoiretre · 20/06/2014 19:55

So he thinks he should just be able to say "I want it now" and she's expected to be up for it there and then? Are there really men like that?!

expatinscotland · 20/06/2014 19:56

He thinks if a woman truly fancies her 'man' she will never say no to what and when he wants, as it says in the OP. We are meant to want to service their cocks anytime.

Itsfab · 20/06/2014 19:57

Of course he is annoyed you are standing up to him! Hmm.

avoiretre · 20/06/2014 19:58

You make me laugh expat....

Itsfab · 20/06/2014 19:58

And definitely do not tell him you are not woman enough for him.

Hmm.

MaryBennett · 20/06/2014 19:58

He sounds nasty.

:(

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 20/06/2014 20:04

"everyone knows that if a woman truly fancies her man she'd be up for anything and would never or rarely say no"

Who is this "everyone" who knows this?

cjelh · 20/06/2014 20:05

I'm glad that everyone has confirmed your thoughts, Remember you are rightSmileare you able to do think about telling him he needs to change and not you?x

expatinscotland · 20/06/2014 20:08

He doesn't listen or care. No point in talking, this abuser will grind you down.

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