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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

endless arguments with DP about sex

113 replies

mollywolly · 20/06/2014 18:30

I just needed to offload here because I feel like I'm going mad.

My DP is now on the verge of breaking up with me because he says I won't let him have the kind of sex he wants, and that I always refuse him and say no. Now we're having no sex whatsoever because, in his words, it's pointless because it's always the way I want it. He blames me entirely for all of this and refuses to accept any kind of responsibility for our sex life, saying he's tried too many times and now it's too late. I'm currently doing a demanding degree course with long work placements and exams, I do pretty much all the stuff in the house and always cook etc. I've tried to explain that sometimes I might not be up for the things he wants to do, but it's nothing to do with him, more that I'm stressed out etc, and he says I'm making excuses and rejecting him. I feel like I've made an effort - have bought some sexy underwear and etc and I do initiate sex, but he still insists that everything is on my terms. He says that everyone knows that if a woman truly fancies her man she'd be up for anything and would never or rarely say no. I don't think that's fair - especially as for women, life tends to get in the way a bit sometimes. I've suggested things he could do to seduce and romance me, but he says he's done everything and there's no point.

If I try to talk to him about it, he says I don't listen to him and he's made his point clear and it's up to me to do something about it. He says I'm nagging if I try and explain how I feel.

I feel we've reached a kind of stalemate and don't really know what to do now.
Sorry it's a bit long!

OP posts:
BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 21/06/2014 14:13

. Don't waste your pixels, DB - arsenal is a guy with form for that kind of response.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 21/06/2014 14:19

He's a twat, you're way better off without this dickhead having a hissy fit because he can't have anal.

He'a a massive twat, tell him to fuck right off.

expatinscotland · 21/06/2014 14:21

She's not married to this twat, thankfully.

arsenaltilidie · 22/06/2014 08:27

If the relationship is generally good, then the sex issue should be tackled.

He doesn't have sex with her against her will. The OP does initiates sometimes but he probably feels she is only doing it to shut him up that's why he refuses.
His problem is he feels she isn't enthusiastic enough for sex, not they don't have sex.
That does not sound like someone wanting to have sex with someone against their will.
Sounds like he feels he isn't attractive enough but is going about it the wrong way.

A women feeling neglected because of DH work is the same as how this man is feeling neglected because she is very busy with her degree.

The OP DH should be doing anything to make sex less of a chore and more enjoyable fun thing to do.

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 22/06/2014 08:51

Does this relationship sound "generally good"?

"I do pretty much all the stuff in the house and always cook etc. "

"He blames me entirely for all of this and refuses to accept any kind of responsibility for our sex life"

"He says that everyone knows that if a woman truly fancies her man she'd be up for anything and would never or rarely say no."

"If I try to talk to him about it, he says I don't listen to him and he's made his point clear "

" He says I'm nagging if I try and explain how I feel. "

Hissy · 22/06/2014 08:51

arsenal's right, but he's missed the fact that the OP here is in an abusive relationship and that the sex is being used as a weapon.

I haven't read back since the other day so don't know what is being asked of her, but I have an idea of what it could be given i've experience of similar requests/demands/abuse.

In this case, if the op does 'give in' or agree to the demands today, more demands, more extreme demands will be made next time. If she refuses, then the sulking/punishment will go up a notch.

There isn't *ny other way that this relationship is going to go but kaput.

Op, how it goes kaput is up to you. You need to get yourself out of this as soon as possible, every day that this drags on is a day where you worn down just that little bit more, and another day you'll need to try and heal from.

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 22/06/2014 08:53

"he'll suggest something suddenly and during a time when I am massively stressed eg about to pack up the car to move flat 100s of miles away, and if I say no that one time, then that's it, apparently I'm never up for anything and say no to everything always."

"is now sending me angry texts from the spare room"

Yup, sounds "generally good" to me. Not.

Lovingfreedom · 22/06/2014 09:04

You're being far too understanding OP...he is not to be pitied.

cjelh · 22/06/2014 09:26

can you reply to his angry texts - you are angry too and its not all about him!!!

Needsmorecake · 22/06/2014 09:32

You need to leave him.

For all the reasons everyone else has said. he is abusive and does not love you, let alone respect you, at all.

Do not settle for being with someone who is ' nice to you sometimes'

I have been through similar at a much younger age, i was 20 when i met my now ex husband. he used similar tactics and being naive, i fell for them. Boundaries were pushed and i ended up in various situations which, at the time i was fine with, but in hindsight and having grown up, i know i did them to keep him, because he said an ex girlfriend had, or he only wanted to be with someone that did x... things like threesomes with his mates, or anal having just had major surgery. endless list of crap. I turned myself into a pornstar gymnast and thought i was fine with it.

I was not

It eats away at your self worth, your self esteem, your very being.

You are worth more than just giving yourself to someone who is ' nice to you sometimes'

I know leaving can be scary, and not pleasant, but its far less of a bad experience than what will happen if you stay with this excuse of a man.

Fairenuff · 22/06/2014 10:30

Who is moving 100's of miles away OP? Is it just you, or both of you?

springydaffs · 22/06/2014 10:39

Some excerpts from Pat Craven's 'Living with the Dominator' (Freedom Programme handbook). A lot of the examples of sexual abuse in this handbook are extreme but please try to be honest about core tactics of the sexual control your partner is displaying.

the Sexual controller uses sex to control us, he makes us have sex when we do not want to

He uses persuasion-
Women on the programme have described this as 'pester power'! He wheedles and nags. He tells us it is our duty and if we don't want sex then we don't love him. He tells us we are hurting his feelings and makes us feel guilty. He tells us we must be frigid or a lesbian [or if we loved him we would be up for it at any time]. If we are expecting our family to visit [or just about to move 100s of miles away] he refuses to get dressed until we have sex with him. ...

...they are not doing it because they are consumed by lust. They do it to destroy and defeat the enemy.

The sexual controller demands unrelenting sex all day and night. He will demand it all over the house and interrupt whatever we are doing. ... If challenged he would say he has a huge libido or is a sex addict. Several men have ... told me they have problems in their sexual relationships with women. I always respond by asking them if they use sexual abuse in order to degrade and defeat their partners. After a short pause, nearly all of them have answered a straight "Yes".

-v-

The lover-
the lover shows physical affection without expecting it to lead to sex. He also accepts physical affection without it leading to sex.
-He accepts that his partner can initiate sex and encourages us to do so. If we say no he accepts that no means no and would not expect us to have to make excuses.
-He 'makes love' to his partner. he communicates with us during the process and is obviously treating us as a human being. He combines physical affection with sex.
-He believes that sex must be freely given and that both participants must be freely informed. There must also be an equal balance of power.
-He believes that women are free, equal, and should be independent. He likes us and values us.

See here for an overview of the Freedom Programme, with the Sexual Controller listed as one of the tactics of an abuser.

BeCool · 22/06/2014 10:53

LTB

Your life will improve immeasurably.

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