endless arguments with DP about sex

[mollywolly]

I just needed to offload here because I feel like I'm going mad.

My DP is now on the verge of breaking up with me because he says I won't let him have the kind of sex he wants, and that I always refuse him and say no. Now we're having no sex whatsoever because, in his words, it's pointless because it's always the way I want it. He blames me entirely for all of this and refuses to accept any kind of responsibility for our sex life, saying he's tried too many times and now it's too late. I'm currently doing a demanding degree course with long work placements and exams, I do pretty much all the stuff in the house and always cook etc. I've tried to explain that sometimes I might not be up for the things he wants to do, but it's nothing to do with him, more that I'm stressed out etc, and he says I'm making excuses and rejecting him. I feel like I've made an effort - have bought some sexy underwear and etc and I do initiate sex, but he still insists that everything is on my terms. He says that everyone knows that if a woman truly fancies her man she'd be up for anything and would never or rarely say no. I don't think that's fair - especially as for women, life tends to get in the way a bit sometimes. I've suggested things he could do to seduce and romance me, but he says he's done everything and there's no point.

If I try to talk to him about it, he says I don't listen to him and he's made his point clear and it's up to me to do something about it. He says I'm nagging if I try and explain how I feel.

I feel we've reached a kind of stalemate and don't really know what to do now.
Sorry it's a bit long!

I think he might get his ideas about women and sex from porn or from the talk of friends who use porn.
Real women, if they have any confidence in themselves, are up for what they want to do, not for anything. And not all the time. Everyone has moments when they don't want physical contact, I suppose.
Its possible he feels threatened by your degree course (sad but many women have found similar) and is using sex as his weapon to keep you under control.
Or maybe this is part of his script for controlling/working up to ending the relationship.

You don't think you should be up for the sex he wants, whenever. So do you want to be with him at all?

Yup sounds like too much porn has warped him.

To be honest who would want any kind of sex with a whining sex pest?

( tmi: I'd do anything with dh, but if he was whining or demanding it would put me right off)

I'd get a new one

when he's being nice he is really nice, but somehow just cannot or will not entertain any viewpoint but his own when it comes to sex.

You have just described an abuser.

I understand he gets sexually frustrated but like another poster here says, he's really not going about it all the right way and yet seems completely unable to understand this.

Make no mistake. He understands.

OP, how long have you been with him and do you have children together?

Is he Johnny Depp? If not, bin this wanker off ASAP. He is not seeing you as a human being at all OP.

Get the fuck out of there OP.

"I won't let him have the kind of sex he wants"

He thinks sex is something you "let him" do.

That isn't good.

Throw this wanker back into the pool. You are going to stay with him though, aren't you ? Now you have had your whinge.

< sigh >

Ach, ItsFab, it wasn't serious, hence the . As AnyFucker says, OP is probably going to stay with him now she's had a moan, (because it usually takes a while for an abused woman to recognise what's happening) but if she does decide to ltb saying she's "not woman enough for him" gives her an out that doesn't hurt his delicate ikkle wikkle feeelz, so she might just feel able to use it.

Whereas saying something along the lines that he is a worthless cocklodger is possibly a step too far for op right now.

Even though that's exactly what the abusing wankbadger is.

Yep, she'll stay. He's just frustrated, he can be nice, she's used to skivvying for him.

Well, the constant flow of water on a rock can change it eventually. Here's hoping.

OP, MN is here when you need it. Stay safe.

"My DP is now on the verge of breaking up with me because he says I won't let him have the kind of sex he wants, "

sorry OP but you had me at this. Take away the rest of your post and this is what it boils down to. Fuck that.

Or rather, don't. You deserve better. Your DP is acting like a petulant teenager. Is he quite young and used to getting his own way?

Whoops, not to say that young people are all like this! its just coming across that the DP in question is quite immature for his age.

He's not immature for his age, whatever age that is. He's just a selfish, self-centred waste of space, who thinks his penis should be worshipped while his other physical needs (eating, laundry, a clean house) are also to be met by someone with the means to satisfy his penis.

I have two sons in their 20's. Even as teens they wouldn't pull that kind of stunt. (Though they may have been lazy about housework.)

Sex isn't something that one person allows the other person to do to them, it is a shared experience that both people do together because of the mutual pleasure they enjoy. If one person isn't enjoying it or is doing something they don't want to do, then that is not a normal healthy relationship.

He is being an utter, utter arse. I'm not convinced he has the capability of understanding that.

How easy is it going to be to get rid of him, OP? It won't be impossible, and your life will be better when it's done.

If you don't have any children you can very quickly be in a place where you never have to see or speak to him again. If you do have children, you can still keep any contact between him and you to a bare minimum.

Is your current home with him rented or mortgaged? Whose name is it in? If he has been violent before and there is any kind of official record of his violence, you may be able to get him removed from your home and prevented from returning even if it's his house that he owns. It might be easier for you to move out, of course, but get legal advice first.
Good luck. You can get free of him.

He's awful.

Entitled misogynist who thinks you're there to service him domestically and sexually.

Sounds really rapey tbh. I would let him break up with you, you'd be better off without him.

Except he won't break up with her, that's just a threat to make her come back into line. If op can see it's not a threat, but an opportunity, that would be brilliant. But I don't think she's there yet, she still thinks he's nice sometimes, and that's all she's worth.

Nice. Sometimes.

Not respectful and loving. All the time.

Wow - so many comments! Thanks guys! Especially after he's just had massive strop and said we're never having sex again because he's tried to hard with me and has now given up! is now sending me angry texts from the spare room.

I am up totally up for doing different things, but what seems to happen is, he'll suggest something suddenly and during a time when I am massively stressed eg about to pack up the car to move flat 100s of miles away, and if I say no that one time, then that's it, apparently I'm never up for anything and say no to everything always. It's like his ego is very fragile and is built entirely around his libido etc. If a woman says no, then it's a rejection of his entire being rather than a momentary thing that is dependent on a particular context or emotional situation. The longest we go without sex is the times he has a petulant strop and withholds. He's not that young btw - he's in his 40s!!!

thanks for all the support guys. it's good to know that what I feel is rational and reasonable is actually so!

oh dear.

So, he sets up situations where he knows or can be pretty sure you won't be interested. Then gives you a hard time because you aren't interested at that time. Not. A. Keeper.

he sound abusiive controlling knob

OP I'm on my way to bed so I'll be brief.
Kick his sordid arse to the kerb. You sre not his fucking sex puppet for fuck's sake!
The very sound of him turns my stomach. What a prick!

He says that everyone knows that if a woman truly fancies her man she'd be up for anything and would never or rarely say no.

And as for that drivel...he is totally deluded.

Until you mentioned his age I thought it might be my XP. He was like this. It took me a while to get the courage to leave him, by the end it made my skin crawl every time he touched me. It will do you too, unless you sort things out with him, properly, & get him to grow up & start seeing you as a person, not just his sex toy/the maid.

To be honest, if he's regularly sulking like this it's probably too late anyway. It's just a question of how long you will put up with it.

A true wanker. Get rid and concentrate on your degree. That's actually worth your time and attention.

Oh and tell him that the women in the porn he no doubt wanks endlessly to, are actresses and in no way reflect what one might expect from an actual woman in the real world. I bet you my last tenner that that's where he gets his wordly wise opinions on what a woman should be doing for him from.
The big lummox.