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Original poster

New Girlfriend - sex has become an issue

127 replies

TalkShowHost · 19/06/2014 09:55

I have a question about the best way to handle a situation. I’ve been dating a woman who’s late 20s, I’m early 30s for about two months (or at least that’s when we went on our first date) and we’ve got close. We’ve been doing a lot of nice things together (going to the theatre, cycling, walking, cooking) and for a while, we’ve been kissing and snogging (sounds very childish to use that word)

However, a problem has arisen – she doesn’t feel comfortable or want to have sex for a while yet, until she gets to know me better. I’m very much at the stage where sex feels like the next step for me and it’s obvious we both fancy each other and in our snogging, it’s obvious where our bodies want us to go. We’ve talked about it, and she said that with her last boyfriend it was six months before they slept together. I don’t want to put pressure on her, but six months seems like a very long time to me. I get a sense she’s uncomfortable around sex. If those are her views I don’t want to change then, and I don’t want to be issuing ultimatums (ultimata?) but it feels it’s what I’m doing.

I had a girlfriend (my first serious girlfriend) and we met when we were young, and in hindsight, we never really clicked sexually. After we broke up, I have been with other women who enjoy and are comfortable around sex. My new girlfriend has rung some alarm bells for me as she said when talking about this that she didn’t think sex was that important in a relationship.

I really like this woman, I want her to be relaxed and I don’t want to put pressure on her, but I don’t want a celibate relationship. What would you advise? Thanks

Ps, I’m 99.9% certain she’s not on here.

OP posts:

Exsqueezemeplease · 19/06/2014 10:03

If you really like her, wait. Do not put pressure on her. If you want her to relax, putting pressure or ultimatums will have the total opposite effect.

If you're not prepared to wait, break it off now.

Twinklestein · 19/06/2014 10:11

Some women need a long time to get to know a guy before they have sex, some are happy to have sex on the first night. You don't have to wait, you have free agency here. She's told you what she needs to have sex with you (or anyone), if that doesn't work for you then look elsewhere.

kentishgirl · 19/06/2014 10:13

I'd have another talk about it.

Tell her you are not pressuring her to do anything she isn't ready for, but you think it would be a good idea to have a chat and make sure you are both happy with how things will be sexually later on.

You need to find out what she means by sex is not that important. And you need to tell her if you think sex is important. And maybe have a chat about both your 'ideal sex lifes' - if you are saying you like it 4 times a week and she says once a month, you know there's going to be a problem. Likewise feel out how you both feel about nudity etc, oral sex, attitude towards sex, whatever. 6 months is a long time to wait if you find out you are not compatible and not fair on either of you if you both get a disappointment.

This would be a red flag for me.

My ex was more uptight about sex than me and while we had a good sex life, it wasn't as relaxed as I would have liked. He didn't like to look at me naked, for example, if I was walking round in the morning he'd ask me to get dressed. He thought masturbation was wrong. He generally took it a lot more seriously than I did (something funny happened once and I started laughing and he was quite offended). He thought I had a 'dirty mind'. It was ok, but not ideal. Sex was always in bed, always with the light off, always under the cover, in silence no talk (not even meaning dirty talk, just any talking really). He'd had a very religious upbringing and I think that was behind it.

Now I'm with someone else it's lovely to be able to loll around naked on the bed for a couple of hours at the weekend, chatting and joking and fooling around.

I could never be with someone that uptight again as I missed just nice normal relaxed silly sex.

Original poster

TalkShowHost · 19/06/2014 10:15

I think I might have to do the latter - I'd appreciate some advise on how not to put pressure on her to try the former, but if we kiss and spend time together, sex will come up

OP posts:

Branleuse · 19/06/2014 10:24

If she wants to wait six months to have sex, then she's not that into you, or not that into sex.

Would be a massive issue for me

sebsmummy1 · 19/06/2014 10:33

Difficult one as everyone has the right to their own sex drive and desires and maybe you are mismatched in this area. Really you need to decide how much you care for her against how important sex is to you.

She may be inexperienced and embarrassed in which case in time this may change and you may both have a great sex life. Or she may be experienced but have a low libido and sex is never going to be that important to her. In which case you might just find yourself frustrated down the line if sex is very important to you.

MoreSnowPlease · 19/06/2014 10:38

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

Original poster

TalkShowHost · 19/06/2014 10:52

We did have a chat where I explained my desire to find out whether we were compatible, and I had a similar situation with my first long-term ex where sex was never easy (but I didn't realise until later) and could be natural with other women.

I think what bothers me is that it seems that getting to know me better seems a little indeterminate (we've known each other maybe 3 months, done a lot of non-sexual normal things together)

OP posts:

FairPhyllis · 19/06/2014 10:58

All you get to do here is decide if you are happy with the status quo and with waiting. If not, you need to break it off.

Nobody is obliged to have sex with anyone else if they don't want to, even if they are in a LTR or married. There is nothing we can say that is going to magically make her want to have sex with you right this minute. And I assume you don't want to have sex with someone who isn't willing.

She may not be experienced or she may be a sexual abuse or rape survivor and wants to build up trust first. She may have a health condition that means sex is off the table right now. She may want to work out if she likes you enough as a partner without sex confusing things. She may be trying to work out if you are seriously interested in her as a person rather than as a sex object. Or she may have a low libido and no interest in sex at all. Who knows? The point is you don't know and haven't asked her.

I think it's reasonable to have a talk about your attitudes to sex, how important it is to you both and why she would like to wait. But you will have to be careful how you do it because there is nothing more unattractive than someone who comes across as feeling entitled to sex and pestering for it. Hopefully then you can make up your mind whether you want to stay in the relationship or not.

But for both your sakes don't stay in the relationship if you're not genuinely happy to wait until she is comfortable. If you get resentful about sex and she feels pressured, nobody will be having any fun at all.

Original poster

TalkShowHost · 19/06/2014 10:59

The sense I get from her is that she is less experienced than me (not that I'm some Don Juan character), and embarrassed about sex, as she admits she really fancies me.

OP posts:

kaykayblue · 19/06/2014 10:59

If you have any common decency then you would take what she has said at face value. She wants to wait until she is comfortable to have sex, which, on the basis of her last relationship might be six months.

You have a choice. If you really like her, then you can respect her views on this, and continue dating her until she is ready to go further, without putting any pressure on her whatsoever. That means not mentioning it without her raising it first. It means not sulking when you finish make out sessions because you didn't get to stick your peen in.

If you aren't prepared to potentially wait six months, then you finish the relationship by saying something like "I really like you, and I respect your attitude towards sex, but I think we have such different attitudes towards it that it would cause problems for us further down the line. I'm not prepared to pressure you into something before you're comfortable, but in the same vein I'm not comfortable waiting six months to be intimate with a partner".

What you don't do is piss and whine and moan about it like a teenager, or keep raising it all the bloody time. That's pressurising her, and it's a douchebag thing to do.

I don't think that I could personally wait that long for someone in a relationship, so I would probably call it off. But her views on this are no less valid than yours. If you don't think that you will change your mind and suddenly think it's a great idea to wait six months, then she is not going to do the opposite.

crispyporkbelly · 19/06/2014 11:03

Six months seems excessive, I'd get bored.

Original poster

TalkShowHost · 19/06/2014 11:05

ok, the thing is we have spoken about it, and I have asked why she wants to wait, what she wants to wait for, and so far, I don't think she feels comfortable explaining why. I will try to broach the subject again at some point, but broaching it feels a bit like putting pressure on her

OP posts:

Original poster

TalkShowHost · 19/06/2014 11:08

I'm certainly not sulkign with her and don't want to put pressure on her - I think the thing to do is to maybe keep seeing her, but more as friends and see how things develop - I think I'll try to avoid snogging as it inevitably leads to more desires

OP posts:

Strix · 19/06/2014 11:08

Another three months doesn't really seem like its that far away to me. And I think it's quite common that man wants sex and woman not ready. Sounds like normal relationship building stuff to me.

If you are thinking my way or the highway then I think maybe you have some control issues. There are a lot of people who wait a lot longer than 6 months. If you have a mutual physical attraction / passion that come naturally when you kiss I think it will probably be there when you have sex too. But you may need to wait to experience it.

Quitelikely · 19/06/2014 11:08

You might aswell just see how it goes. She has put pressure on herself though by mentioning the six month mark. Have you checked your calendar for the date!

Keep having fun and see where it leads. I don't see the point in discussing it further. You have told her your feelings and she has told you. Now it's just a matter of time.......

Quitelikely · 19/06/2014 11:10

And six months is a long time to hold back from sexy time. Especially if yous are snogging etc yous just think it would happen naturally.......it could but she is digging those heels in! Which is her right btw.

Good luck I hope you get some soon!

FartyMcGhee · 19/06/2014 11:12

the more you go on about it the more she will feel like NOT having sex.

you need to work out if you can wait that long and if not then best to let her go.

If you really have a problem with not bringing it up all the time then it's going to cause problems IMO.

kaykayblue · 19/06/2014 11:15

Each time you bring it up you are pressuring her. I know it probably isn't your intention, but it is.

She is under no obligation to give you a "reason" why she wants to wait. She just does.

Original poster

TalkShowHost · 19/06/2014 11:16

What makes it difficult to bring to not bring sex up is that she is very keen to kiss and snog - and inevitably (to use a pun), it will come up.

OP posts:

JohnFarleysRuskin · 19/06/2014 11:17

I would struggle with a six month wait. I would think we were incompatible.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 19/06/2014 11:20

I wouldn't be happy to wait that long before having sex. For one thing I think it would demonstrate an entirely different attitude to sex than me, which could be an issue. I don't see it as a major intimacy, and it's important to me to have it, and for it to be good. A guy who attached so much importance to it and was also happy to go without it for so long would be fairly incompatible with me.
Also, I expect sex as part of the deal in a relationship. Shallow? Maybe. Care? No.

RoganJosh · 19/06/2014 11:23

I'd try and talk about what she likes/doesn't to get a feel for what it'll be like when it does happen.
That might give you some clues about whether it might work in the future.

I think six months seems like a long (and somewhat arbitrary?) wait though.

FairPhyllis · 19/06/2014 11:24

At a guess then she is very into you but atm is inexperienced and nervous. You have to make your mind up if you are OK with that or not. I think treating her "as a friend" unless she jumps into bed with you sounds rather mean. I would assume you'd gone off me if I were her.

But it would still be better to talk about it with her rather than making guesses.

crispyporkbelly · 19/06/2014 11:25

Also what if it was shit and you were sexually incompatible? A lot of time invested

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