New Girlfriend - sex has become an issue

[TalkShowHost]

I have a question about the best way to handle a situation. I’ve been dating a woman who’s late 20s, I’m early 30s for about two months (or at least that’s when we went on our first date) and we’ve got close. We’ve been doing a lot of nice things together (going to the theatre, cycling, walking, cooking) and for a while, we’ve been kissing and snogging (sounds very childish to use that word)

However, a problem has arisen – she doesn’t feel comfortable or want to have sex for a while yet, until she gets to know me better. I’m very much at the stage where sex feels like the next step for me and it’s obvious we both fancy each other and in our snogging, it’s obvious where our bodies want us to go. We’ve talked about it, and she said that with her last boyfriend it was six months before they slept together. I don’t want to put pressure on her, but six months seems like a very long time to me. I get a sense she’s uncomfortable around sex. If those are her views I don’t want to change then, and I don’t want to be issuing ultimatums (ultimata?) but it feels it’s what I’m doing.

I had a girlfriend (my first serious girlfriend) and we met when we were young, and in hindsight, we never really clicked sexually. After we broke up, I have been with other women who enjoy and are comfortable around sex. My new girlfriend has rung some alarm bells for me as she said when talking about this that she didn’t think sex was that important in a relationship.

I really like this woman, I want her to be relaxed and I don’t want to put pressure on her, but I don’t want a celibate relationship. What would you advise? Thanks

Ps, I’m 99.9% certain she’s not on here.

but what if someone wants to wait until marriage? Does that mean that person just isn't "that into" her husband-to-be? Fact is some people do want to wait until marriage. The why's and wherefores are not that important - but should they be judged for it?

IMO there's no such thing as right or wrong in terms of how/when sex happens in a relationship, just as long as everyone has an understanding/is in agreement/is consenting.

And people are saying dump her if she's possibly going to wait six months, but at what point do we move from it being ok to ditch someone because they won't have sex with us, to someone being a twat for dumping someone because they won't have sex with them.

i.e. if someone dumps you because you won't sleep with them on a first date it could be argued they are a shallow twat with only one agenda. At what point does that change? A week? month? two? three? six? When does sex move from an entitled attitude of the shallow to an expectation worthy of ending a relationship?

its bizarre that anyone 'expects' sex from anyone else.

I disagree that its bizarre that people "expect" sex, since the purpose of relationships is to raise children, and to do that,you need sex (i'm talking from an evolutionary perspective).
I think the OPs concerns are justified, but i still think his partner just needs a little time. If that is an issue to him, then its an issue to him. I don't think it makes him a twat.

I would tend to agree with what ConsiderablyBiggerBuns and a couple of others have said, namely that just because she wants to wait doesn't necessarily mean she and the OP are sexually incompatible.

We only know what the OP has told us about this woman, so we can only make assumptions on why she is hesitant about taking the step to a physical relationship. However, it seems to me that she is very monogamous, and would only like to have a sexual relationship with a person who she feels emotionally close to, and there is at least a strong possibility of playing for keeps.

Also, it may be a surprise for some of you to learn that the whole point of sex in nature is ACTUALLY for procreation ;) Some pedantic, 'black & white thinking' people, like myself, take this to heart - I wouldn't want to sleep with someone who I wouldn't want to have a child with - because no contraception, except abstention, is 100% effective. Simple as that.

I have been misunderstood because of this in the past, with the mis-translation of my views into 'sex is only for marriage and babies', which to my mind equates to a woman who will only wait for marriage and only do it until she is pregnant. I am absolutely not like that! I just want to be secure in the fact that, IF a pregnancy did occur, I would be happy to have that person's child.

I cannot escape from the fact that sex is for procreation, but it doesn't mean I don't enjoy recreational sex with my DH - far from it! Because we mostly practice natural contraception, apart from the occasional condom, there are many times in the month where we need to be imaginative in order to be safe :) For some people, they want to build up the relationship in order to gain trust to do things which are more intimate than PIV sex (eg oral). This may be the case with your partner, OP, that it is a case of 'all or nothing', particularly if she is maybe pedantic or a little OCD in other ways.

I may not have experience of many different partners, but I do know that you can tell a lot from kissing/snogging someone to establish whether you are compatible - if you fit that way, and the chemistry is there, everything else seems to follow.

Sex may be about procreation from an evolutionary point of view, but very often it is not, now. For example, same sex couples and those where the woman (or man) is no longer fertile - these clearly are not anything to do with procreation.

Yes, that is true, re: same sex couples, infertility, older couples etc.

However, as far as the OP is aware, his girlfriend is a woman and I am presuming he is a man, and she has mentioned babies as being part of sex.

Sorry but sex is an important part of an adult romantic relationship and without it you're just friends, not lovers. I'm a red blooded woman and a fulfilling, compatible sexual element to the relationship is as important as any other part - kindness, sense of humour, intelligence, social lives, ambitions, attitude towards marriage or kids or fidelity... and if it doesn't work for whatever reason then the relationship doesn't work, for me. I appreciate there are people for whom sex is not important but to me it is and my partner has to be on the same wavelength. Someone who would wait till marriage or wait 6 months is not for me. I'm more of a go with the flow whenever the feeling takes you kinda gal. I don't judge her for wanting to wait but if it were me and a bf wanted to wait I'd be out of there. My ex husband had a lower sex drive than me and it destroyed the relationship.

its not bizarre at all that someone expects a romantic relationship with somebody to involve sex.

Thats the difference between a relationship and a friendship isn't it?

When I was young, I stupidly started a relationship with a married man (only that once, never again). We went out for six months and he wanted to come and move in with me. For several reasons I said no - one of those reasons being that he was unable to make love to me. For whatever complicated reason this was (guilt, I suspect, mainly) it made me feel incredibly undesirable. Six months of being with someone who won't or can't or doesn't want to do it can make you feel like shit. Especially if you are the "tear everything off right now" sort.

They are snogging passionately. They are talking about when further sexual contact might happen.

They aren't having a friendship.

It's not really an adult romance though. You might spend months snogging when you are teens, but it seems a bit odd as adults.

"Six months of being with someone who won't or can't or doesn't want to do it can make you feel like shit"

Depends. I've done it and was fine with it - my partner was a virgin.

I've also done that (five months/virgin) and it was not fine. Very frustrating. Perhaps we are just different.

Yes, absolutely! And I think it's fine if OP doesn't want to wait for an unspecified amount of time for his datee to want sex with him, just as it's fair for her to wait until she's ready.

I don't think it makes her "not-adult" though.

It's not really an adult romance though. You might spend months snogging when you are teens, but it seems a bit odd as adults
only if you think sex is something you do with anyone, anytime. if you're more particular, its more 'adult' to address that rather than to accept what other people think is the norm.

Not just anyone, but I'd go for anytime.

There is nothing wrong at all with anyone wanting to wait six months, or until they're married.

However, I would imagine they wouldn't be the right person for me to be in a relationship with and we would end up disagreeing on a whole raft of issues.

No sex for c 6 months

Sex is for babies and marriage

Sod that. She doesn't view sex as you do, you're incompatible so move on now, plenty more smart, funny, pretty sexual women out there.

I should know

OP, you may not want to share the details, but I was interested in your comment about 'both our bodies want to go further.' So I'm wondering how far your 'snog' sessions go. To put it delicately, are either of you giving each other orgasms manually? I appreciate that a good snog will give you an erection, but unless you have had your hand in your friend's underwear, you wouldn't know whether or not she is lubricated ie aroused.

I wonder if you equate 'sex' with IV (penis-in-vagina) and think that's the only real kind.

Other than that, she's not wrong for wanting to wait a long time, but nor are you wrong for wanting to engage in sex with someone you are dating. It does sound as though you have incompatible attitudes towards it, though, and it's generally not a good idea to carry on with a monogamous romantic relationship when you are so far apart on the libido scale. You will always be a bit frustrated; she will always be a bit 'oh, bloody hell, I'm going to have to touch his dick again some time this week.' Not good.

He's already said up thread there's only snogging.

its bizarre that anyone 'expects' sex from anyone else

Not really - that's the whole point of dating is to suss out and meet a partner. Otherwise you are just socialising with mates.

Anyway I read this ditty some years ago and it's always stuck with me as being quite good general advice. No time limits in any of it, just a nod to thinking to a possible next stage.

Don't sleep with someone you COULDN'T love.
Don't love someone you COULDN'T live with.
Don't live with someone you COULDN'T marry.
Don't marry someone you can live without.

wouldn't marry that is

I think you are incompatible. Both of you have completely different views when it comes to sex, neither is wrong, but you have totally different opinions that aren't going to change.

I dated a guy once that didn't believe in sex before marriage. I didn't find this out until a few weeks down the line. We had gone that far with foreplay one night that I thought we were definitely going to end up having sex...and we didn't.

Again, nothing wrong with his beliefs, but I found it very frustrating and we didn't stay together for much longer

I'm here to apologise - I worded some of my initial post poorly.

Quite rightly, no person should ever expect sex from their partner if the partner isn't up for it. If I hadn't made my position clear on that earlier, and obviously I hadn't, then I hope this clears it up.

What I was going on to say was, and in particular my comment about feminism, was that it appears from this post, and the ones about sex on a first date, that womens rules, however diametrically different they might be from day to day, are the only ones to be taken into account of. Is it any wonder we simple men folk find it tricky to keep up?

And my comment that it's no wonder men find 'you lot' difficult to comprehend was obviously meant to have been slightly amusing, off the cuff, but I keep forgetting that MN is a humour free zone. :)

And I still think that OP's date just isn't into him.

it's not about women's rules or men's rules. You have sex when you both want to. If one party wants to wait and the other doesn't feel that's compatible with their ideas of how things develop then that person can decide they don't want to be with the other and vice versa. Gender not relevant.

You don't have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you, and you don't have to stay with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you.

Rules?! FFS, that women might actually be treated as though we are individuals and not one mass...

I am different to every other person on here. I have different values, different ideas, different preferences. I will never understand why this is such a difficult concept.