New Girlfriend - sex has become an issue

[TalkShowHost]

I have a question about the best way to handle a situation. I’ve been dating a woman who’s late 20s, I’m early 30s for about two months (or at least that’s when we went on our first date) and we’ve got close. We’ve been doing a lot of nice things together (going to the theatre, cycling, walking, cooking) and for a while, we’ve been kissing and snogging (sounds very childish to use that word)

However, a problem has arisen – she doesn’t feel comfortable or want to have sex for a while yet, until she gets to know me better. I’m very much at the stage where sex feels like the next step for me and it’s obvious we both fancy each other and in our snogging, it’s obvious where our bodies want us to go. We’ve talked about it, and she said that with her last boyfriend it was six months before they slept together. I don’t want to put pressure on her, but six months seems like a very long time to me. I get a sense she’s uncomfortable around sex. If those are her views I don’t want to change then, and I don’t want to be issuing ultimatums (ultimata?) but it feels it’s what I’m doing.

I had a girlfriend (my first serious girlfriend) and we met when we were young, and in hindsight, we never really clicked sexually. After we broke up, I have been with other women who enjoy and are comfortable around sex. My new girlfriend has rung some alarm bells for me as she said when talking about this that she didn’t think sex was that important in a relationship.

I really like this woman, I want her to be relaxed and I don’t want to put pressure on her, but I don’t want a celibate relationship. What would you advise? Thanks

Ps, I’m 99.9% certain she’s not on here.

When I've asked, she only said it was six months with her previous boyfriend - not that it was a six month deadline for us - it could be shorter, could be longer.

She also said to me, she didn't understand what it meant to be sexually incompatible, and that worried me a little

So 6 months

...on the dot you'll have sex? Not very sexy or spontaneous!

If I was given a 6 month wait ( seems an arbitrary number) I'd assume we weren't compatible. If on the other hand I was told "I want to get to know you first" with no set deadline, I'd be fine with that. It's very odd to give a time limit, whether that's a day, a week or a year.

It's a quandary. Communication and no pressure is key. Discussing sex when it's not on the cards doesn't have to mean pressure, but I would want to know the general frequency of sex in the past. To see if we were compatible. I would be very concerned if someone said they didn't think sex is important, as that would mean they didn't see relationships in the same way as me.

I'd struggle with six months too. In fact if a guy said to me he wanted to wait six months I'd be quite baffled and, then, feel increasingly unattractive. Which may not be rational, but it would feel like rejection.

When you say she doesn't want to have sex, do you mean just the penis in vagina thing? Or is it a total ban on all things further than kissing?

I agree it's about compatibility. If she is happy to get a bit physical with you and yet doesn't feel the urge to have sex or go past kissing then perhaps she is just not that sexual a person. She has said that it isn't that important to her, so maybe you should listen and accept that this is how it will be, she will be happy with it every few months while you are frustrated with the lack of frequency?

On the other hand, I wasn't that into sex with my XH. We would go for months without it sometimes. It was ok, but not earth shattering. If you'd asked me if it was important I'd have said 'not as important as other aspects of the relationship'.

However, with my dp it is a completely different thing. I honestly can't stop thinking about it I with him and it's amazing (we did it on date 2 though, and generally at least once a day, if not 2-3 times now, even after 2 years).

You may find that if she is really attracted to you (which it seems she is) and you are a very understanding and generous partner (which I hope, given that you are asking for advice and considering your options, you are) then it may be that her reluctance disappears after you do finally get it on.

Is it a religious stance?

I wouldn't go for talking about sexual likes and dislikes particularly. I know that's what people seem to do a lot nowadays: tell each other what they do or don't do before shagging. It seems crazy to me.

Why not just do it, and then explore together what you like with each other?

Just to reiterate, it's not a six month deadline, that was her ex, but I think it was more about her general attitude - aniother thing she said (this is dripfeeding), to her, sex is babies and marriage - to me, it's more like fun things that couples do together

My experience - and this isn't about sex, but bear with me.
I told my husband he wouldn't get to meet my son for at least 6 months.
Within 8 weeks, they were best of friends.
Perhaps the 6 months is just a barrier that she is laying down. Maybe she is just saying she wants to wait a while longer, and will actually change her mind if you don't make a big issue of it.
There's another possibility: has she ever had a sexual relationship? If not, maybe she is very anxious about it.
I do think you need to talk, but i can see it being a delicate conversation. Good luck with it.

I wondered that Lois, but I couldn't find the words!

Oh no. If she thinks sex is just for babies, you are on a hiding to nothing!

It's a ban on all things after kissing, yes - she's an atheist so it's not a religious thing

Whatever happened to just doing it when it feels right?

She'll probably be then type who'll want to get engaged after exactly 1 year then married by 2, first child after 3 etc etc

Yawn

Xposted with your update there.

If she thinks sex is about babies and marriage then I'd run a mile. I think sex with a partner is about fun, bonding, and being with the one you love completely.

Hmm. It's not for me.

Just babies and marriage huh? Then you're fucked. Or not, as the case may be.

Yeah, I'd cut my losses tbh. Someone who thinks like that is never going to be a good partner for me.

It sounds to me like you may not be very compatible.

But, hold of with the kissing and snogging. Tell her that you respect her wishes not to have sex, but you are very attracted to her and would like to be intimate with her, so will hold back with the intimate kisses until she feels ready to trust you.

Lets see if she respects your wishes not to kiss and cuddle.

"sex is babies and marriage" Ah.

Cut your losses then. It is just a basic thing you do then, like poo when you need to.

My dads mates wife had that opinion. Then it turned out she could not have children, and they adopted. It also meant there was no point to have sex at all.

thinks sex is not important - doesn't want to do more than kiss - thinks sex is about marriage and babies - can't understand how people can be incompatible sexually.

For whatever reason this is a lady who isn't into sex/doesn't enjoy sex/thinks sex is a chore/thinks it's something men like and women give in exchange for security or to create babies. Sex is not a pleasure, a joy, or a shared experience for her.

I'd be out of that. Sorry.

I agree with kentishgirl
You are on a hiding to nothing here.
You are NOT sexually compatible. That much is clear already.

If I guy said he wasn't up for it with me after 3 months (in fact way way way less than that) then my self esteem wouldn't put up with that at all. If he was not more into DTD than that - I'd know we weren't compatible. I want to be with someone who loves the kind of straight forward fun sex I love, where everyone is having a good time. 6 years of increasingly shite sex, naively imagining it would get better with time, has taught me a valuable lesson. And for what it's worth no sex is better than bad sex.

To me this sounds as if the sex would be rare as hens teeth, and white as the virgin snow, so if you hoping for anything other than an occasional bit of missionary you are going to be disappointed.

Did this marriage and babies info come as a surprise - is it out of character with the rest of her personality?

Yep you are at different ends of the spectrum re sex. At this stage you should be ripping each other's clothes off during the 'honeymoon' stage. Everyone is entitled to have sex when they want so you can't pressurise her, but if I'd been dating someone for the same amount of time and was told I'd have to wait months more for sex I'd question why and it would seriously question my own self esteem.

If she's not up for it now I think when she is there will be some anti-climax and disappointment.

You've waited long enough and it's clear that you're not seeing her because you want a shag!