New Girlfriend - sex has become an issue

[TalkShowHost]

I have a question about the best way to handle a situation. I’ve been dating a woman who’s late 20s, I’m early 30s for about two months (or at least that’s when we went on our first date) and we’ve got close. We’ve been doing a lot of nice things together (going to the theatre, cycling, walking, cooking) and for a while, we’ve been kissing and snogging (sounds very childish to use that word)

However, a problem has arisen – she doesn’t feel comfortable or want to have sex for a while yet, until she gets to know me better. I’m very much at the stage where sex feels like the next step for me and it’s obvious we both fancy each other and in our snogging, it’s obvious where our bodies want us to go. We’ve talked about it, and she said that with her last boyfriend it was six months before they slept together. I don’t want to put pressure on her, but six months seems like a very long time to me. I get a sense she’s uncomfortable around sex. If those are her views I don’t want to change then, and I don’t want to be issuing ultimatums (ultimata?) but it feels it’s what I’m doing.

I had a girlfriend (my first serious girlfriend) and we met when we were young, and in hindsight, we never really clicked sexually. After we broke up, I have been with other women who enjoy and are comfortable around sex. My new girlfriend has rung some alarm bells for me as she said when talking about this that she didn’t think sex was that important in a relationship.

I really like this woman, I want her to be relaxed and I don’t want to put pressure on her, but I don’t want a celibate relationship. What would you advise? Thanks

Ps, I’m 99.9% certain she’s not on here.

I hate to say it but me too. It sounds like she is at the least very reserved about sex and it's important to you. Frustration and hurt feelings ahead on both sides.

Sorry I think 6 weeks is a long wait if you are attracted to each other and dating, let alone 6 months. I agree with other posts that you are clearly sexually incompatible already, no need to wait any longer to find that out. Or you could do says conservative says and just get married.....then you definatley won't have sex hardly at all! (Sorry to all happily married people who do actually get some!)

Conservative, is marriage the balm for all evils do you think?

I'd rather have an entire life of sexual encounters than endure the horror that was my parents' marriage. People used to marry so they could get sex and then they often realised they had nothing much in common and didn't like each other. Marriage, far from saving us from all these awful ills, can perpetuate dreadful unhappiness.

She's not a terribly good one, is she? Just a pearl-clutching mouse-clicker, browsing for awful sex perverts with a puckered mouth.

I would break it off. There are a myriad of possibles but as she hasn't given you a reason beyond sex is for marriage and babies then it's not unreasonable to go with that. I would feel very rejected by it. If it was something that was her issue (abuse, medical problem, confidence, body issues) I think I could be patient but 'sex is for babies' is just a way of saying 'I'm so not into you I don't even understand what being into you would mean'.

hello

Some suggestions, perhaps your girlfriend is waiting for "the right time for her or you both to feel 100% comfortable"

Her reason maybe also related to what type of contraception or no contraception at all.
Dont forget there can be consequences of having a sexual relationship ! eg children. disease etc

I would suggest some more gentle conversation, when the time is right for you to discuss further.

I dont think 6 months is too long to wait.

What happens if this girl says wait for a year, or wait until we are engaged or wait until we are married ??? Maybe she is waiting for a sign of committment from you ?

If you feel you are unable to wait break off your relationship and move on

Hope this helps ?

Does she enjoy the kissing, is it passionate from her, do you feel like she is aroused and would carry on if not for her self imposed timescale? Do you feel like she would be inhibited with you?
Maybe with her last bf there was no spark, quite easy to have sex with a partner and not really have that spark, so she won't know what incompatibility is as she hasn't had compatibility!

six months. ? she must be kidding

MN recently had a thread - is sex ok on first date. Most people said yes.

This poor fella is looking at a six month wait, and most people are saying thats ok.

And you lot honestly wonder why men can't understand women? :)

Seems to me, MN's conclusion is - males must comply with whatever the female requests. Hmm, is that really what equality is all about?

OP, she's not into you. Sex will be a problem throughout any relationship you might have, this issue will only grow and grow between you. Leave.

But it is OK to have consensual sex on a first date or to not have sex for six months. It's really not that confusing. People on the 1st date thread weren't telling the OP that she had to make the guy 'comply with her request'. It was about her consent not his.

Men don't have to give consent when they don't want to, nor do they have to flog a dead horse. When a woman doesn't consent then yes, the man has to 'comply with her request'. He can dump her, but he can't fuck her. How is that confusing?

And wtf has it got to do with equality?

Eekaman. The middle two lines of your post are astoundingly stupid.
Her body, her rules.
His body, his rules.
Nobody sets rules for another person's body.
That's equal.

'this poor fella'? what are you thinking of? he's being ridiculous.

no woman (or man) has to have sex with anyone. should they wish to know someone well before having sex, that's fine, and it might take months. if he doesn't want that, he should slope off and find someone who wants sex now.

my uni tutor had to wait seven years to get married - and as a young Methodist minister, that meant seven years without sex, which he did say was a little frustrating. but they waited, and were married for the rest of their lives. waiting didn't kill them.

op - is it possible she's had a particularly conservative upbringing?

I grew up in a country where religion ruled and where anything before marriage (and most other things in the world actually) were considered a sin. I wasn't overly religious but the message which was given to us was that sex especially was for the confines of marriage, which actually as time progressed I took to mean the confines of a loving relationship.

But what happened when I came back to the UK was that I knew that any relationship would carry with it the expectation of sex - and that I would be obliged to comply with this. Therefore, when I met my now xh I made it very clear from the very beginning that he wouldn't be having sex with me any time soon.

I was sexually inexperienced, he wasn't, but to his credit he never pressured me into anything, although I knew that there was an expectation that it would be expected at some point. Just how long he would have waited I don't know. I did at one point bring up the possibility that maybe I wouldn't want sex until after marriage, and iirc at the time he said that he would respect that, but I don't know whether that expectation from me would have stood the test of time. but we were 22 at the time, so much younger.

In the end we waited six months, but it wasn't just something which happened overnight - we did built up to it - iyswim.

I don't actually take sex not important in a relationship to mean she's just not that into you, I used to say it and the way I thought about it was that I love all the other aspects of a relationship, and that in that regard sex isn't that important - especially if you're not giving it out at the time iyswim.

But you do need to talk to her. Tell her that sex is important to you, not that you will be wanting it 24/7, but that you consider it an integral part of a healthy loving relationship. If she believes that sex is for marriage and babies and wants to wait then you need to revisit the relationship and question where it’s going (or not).

IMO there’s nothing wrong with waiting for six months. There’s nothing wrong with waiting until marriage if that’s what both partners are comfortable with. But equally there’s nothing wrong with doing it on a first date if that’s what you both want. It’s about finding what works for both of you, and if it doesn’t then it isn’t right, but that doesn’t make either of you wrong – it just makes you incompatible. And I would explain to her that that’s where the incompatibility element comes from.

Move on, you're not compatible.

"And you lot honestly wonder why men can't understand women? "

"You lot". Jeez. Could the explanation for this apparently mind-bending contradiction be - now, I know this might be a difficult concept for you to grasp - that mumsnet isn't a hive mind, and is in fact made up of lots of different people with different opinions? So different threads might get different responses, wouldn't you think? Might that be it?

From where I'm reading, there's not really a consensus on this thread, except that most people are acknowledging that if she wants to wait 6 months, that's her right. A significant proportion of posters are also saying that if he doesn't want to wait, there's nothing wrong with that either, it's just that they're not sexually compatible, which for what it's worth, I agree with.

People who enjoy sex don't put these self imposed time limits on when they will do it. They find someone they like and enjoy all the sensual pleasures a healthy sex life offers. The reasons don't really matter here - she's not that into sex, you are and are already frustrated, Move on.

I like sex. I also like to wait at least several weeks and in my earlier relationships several months before I had sex. I am quite aware that I equate sex with love (everyone is different) and so I need to feel that a relationship has some depth before going the whole way. I also really enjoy the build up, so would say that however long I might put off full sex there would be a build up and then would happen naturally. The lack of anything other than kissing would be a slight worry for me as after a prolonged time that would seem a big step to take. The babies and marriage is also a bit of a heavy comment to a new partner, particularly if she is not a virgin, seems to me that maybe there is a bit of a test going on. From what the OP says, this isn't a set date in her head, but possibly she does have a view that either nice girls don't do it that quickly or has trust issues, does not necessarily mean she will not want to be at it like rabbits once you get going. Also, anyone mentioning that they wanted to check out that we were sexually compatible (however honest that might be) would be a real turn off for me. If you enjoy her company then I hope you don't feel that your time is being wasted if sex does not appear to be on the imminent plans, but up to you at what point this becomes a deal breaker, you sound like a nice chap so hopefully, any decision you make will not create pressure or future issues for your partner.
By the way, I am not at all judgey and, indeed, a little envious of anyone who can enjoy sex without getting too hung up on attachment, would have saved some accumulative years with utter dorks.

Do you think she might be worried that you are more into someone else?

Did you know each other at all before you started dating?

Just end it. What's the point in dragging this out.

Eekaman - Seems to me, MN's conclusion is - males must comply with whatever the female requests. Hmm, is that really what equality is all about? - errrrm , actually, yes. Yes it is.

As a woman, I get to choose when and whether a man has sex with me. As a man, he gets to choose when and whether a woman has sex with him, too. When these are compatible, sex happens.

Your post was indeed astoundingly stupid.

OP, unless she really is waiting for your relationship to develop for 6 month (or longer), she is not that into you.

Can I flag, as the OP has too, she has said she wants to get to know him better and that she and her ex waited six months. Not that it will necessarily be six months this time.

OP, do you and she work together?