New Girlfriend - sex has become an issue

[TalkShowHost]

I have a question about the best way to handle a situation. I’ve been dating a woman who’s late 20s, I’m early 30s for about two months (or at least that’s when we went on our first date) and we’ve got close. We’ve been doing a lot of nice things together (going to the theatre, cycling, walking, cooking) and for a while, we’ve been kissing and snogging (sounds very childish to use that word)

However, a problem has arisen – she doesn’t feel comfortable or want to have sex for a while yet, until she gets to know me better. I’m very much at the stage where sex feels like the next step for me and it’s obvious we both fancy each other and in our snogging, it’s obvious where our bodies want us to go. We’ve talked about it, and she said that with her last boyfriend it was six months before they slept together. I don’t want to put pressure on her, but six months seems like a very long time to me. I get a sense she’s uncomfortable around sex. If those are her views I don’t want to change then, and I don’t want to be issuing ultimatums (ultimata?) but it feels it’s what I’m doing.

I had a girlfriend (my first serious girlfriend) and we met when we were young, and in hindsight, we never really clicked sexually. After we broke up, I have been with other women who enjoy and are comfortable around sex. My new girlfriend has rung some alarm bells for me as she said when talking about this that she didn’t think sex was that important in a relationship.

I really like this woman, I want her to be relaxed and I don’t want to put pressure on her, but I don’t want a celibate relationship. What would you advise? Thanks

Ps, I’m 99.9% certain she’s not on here.

It just wouldn't be for me, if it is not for you I'm not quite sure why you are hanging in there, I think she's told you very clearly that it's not a big deal for her and she's not rushing to get jiggy. You do have a choice about this.

thanks here, I think I can see the way things are going to go - it's been a while already. I'm going to keep on seeing things, but limit the sex talk and see if there's any change

If she thinks sex = babies and marriage, I think change is unlikely.

Get out now. Seriously.

It's a bugger, because she's funny, smart, and pretty

Yes, but the further you go on, the harder it will be to walk away. Is she the only funny, smart, pretty woman in the world? If you are already in love you may just have to put up with the situation, my experience is that things never get better in the bedroom dep't than in the early days- those that aren't fussed, remain unfussed, both men and women.

So 'she'll' decide when you have sex, you have no say in it at all - but in the meantime she wants to snog your face off? That feels very unfair on you. Passionate kissing should come off the menu I think, until you both decide you're ready to let it progress on to DTD. Not in a manipulative way, but simply because you don't want to end every date with your balls aching! I think it's odd that she's able to kiss passionately without the urge to get on with it - agree with others, it doesn't bode well for a healthy sex life.

I think the comments on this thread are very hard on the girlfriend, who has had sex in the past so I'm puzzled about the comments on her thinking sex is for the sole purpose of babies and marriage.

Sex can be something you want to wait for. Makes it more special. But can also be fun part of the growing bond between two people in a relationship.

Maybe she is looking for reassurance that you are a bit more vested than just a quick shag and run.

Also, if you only sleep with girls who will sleep with you right away, then you will be sleeping with girls who have slept with a whole lot of other men.... there are some nasty venereal diseases out there.... might want to reconsider whether her choices might be wise even if they are at the expense of what you perceive to be your right to fun.

Dare I say it, the whole thing seems a bit manipulative. It strikes me if you were married she would be the kind to withhold or reward with sex, as it suited her.

The OP said that is what she thinks - sex is for babies and marriage. That wasn't us.

You don't think maybe there is something 'physical' that she is frightened to tell you?

Strix please some of us just enjoy it. And there are ways to protect yourself.

OP she may have a right to decide when and whether to have sec, you have a right to decide that her framework does not work for you.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with sleeping with a lot of men. It does not make a woman less "valuable" or make her dirty, or someone you have to be careful about.

She is so wrong! Babies and marriage do not add up to sex. I dunno who gave her that idea!

I made a man wait six months - and then didn't have sex with him. I didn't understand it myself: I'm not backward in coming forward, I did fancy him and he was a really nice chap. I was in the final stages of my divorce and, I think, was feeling much more emotionally compromised than I realised. I dumped him because I felt I was being unfair.

I can't read your girlfriend's mind, but she may have either some emotional issues going on - including being ashamed of her body, which isn't that uncommon - or a health problem. But I think she'd have told you about a health problem by now?

Normally I'd suggest trying to gently discuss the reasons for her reticence. But, in this case, I'm afraid the 'babies & marriage' thing sounds like an alarm bell to me, too.

What is that thing about when someone tells you who they are, listen?

If she is actually saying sex = babies and marriage then listen to that. It's a pretty huge statement. I don't know anyone who has ever said that, unless they were massively religious.

Oh - Have you had the exclusivity conversation yet? Is it possible she's seeing someone else?

It sounds like she believes that making you wait will make you more likely to commit to her long term. It also sounds like if you do you will be mismatched sexually as many have said. Only continue if you are serious about her and happy to have very little sex in future.

"she didn’t think sex was that important in a relationship"
"to her, sex is babies and marriage - to me, it's more like fun things that couples do together"

You are sexually incompatible and that will only lead to more problems. She's already saying she's not into sex and that it's something you do in a marriage to make babies. You, on the other hand, treat is as a larger part of a relationship, something bonding and fun. Hard as it is, I think it's best to break it off now before you get any more fond of each other. Otherwise you may end up in a sexless relationship. Or a marriage where she considers sex off the menu as soon as you've had children.

Sounds like you might not be compatible sexually. Or maybe she has had abusive relationships and wants to make sure she feels safe with you in a sexual matter.

You should wait for marriage. Our society is going down the toilet as the number of people living together, sleeping around, having sex before marriage increases.

Why do you think young people have all these crises etc? They are destroying themselves emotionally and even physically (I say this as a relatively young person).

*If she wants to wait six months to have sex, then she's not that into you, or not that into sex

Would be a massive issue for me*

This I'm afraid...... She's late 20s, a bit old to act like a bashful virgin especially when she's not. I suspect sex isn't that important to her, it clearly is to you, probably best to bail now rather than hoping things will improve in the future.

hear hear conservative

OP I think in the absence of any history of abuse I would extricate yourself. I would be worried about a person's ability to have fun and be joyous if they considered sex for marriage and babies only, and didn't understand the concept of sexual compatibility/ incompatibility.