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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Had anyone married in prison?

126 replies

HarrietLicthman · 17/06/2014 22:06

I've been with my partner for just over 9 years. He's been inside for just over 3. We've decided to get married and I'm so excited, nervous and all of those emotions.

I just wanted to talk to anyone else who has done this? It's can be quite a lonely time having a partner inside.

I'm not looking for advice on if I should marry him, that has been decided already. I'm just looking for someone even just one person who knows my situation and I can talk to Smile

Please no negative posts I get enough of that in RL as it isHmm

Thanks Smile

OP posts:
HowLongTillBedtime · 17/06/2014 22:23

How many years will he be in prison after you marry ? And also will the fact you are marrying be used as a reason to get out earlier ?

Did you know him before he did vwhat he did ?

Yes I am nosey but you started it Grin

caramelwaffle · 17/06/2014 22:24

I know of someone who married a man in prison; it was a woman of my mothers generation.

I don't know much about him except he was in for a long time.

All very romantic from what I can remember. A ceremony compared to any in a registry office.

It didn't last. (This was in pre interweb days however so perhaps they would still be "together" through modern communication such as Skype/FB)

HarrietLicthman · 17/06/2014 22:24

This is genuine Mimsy

OP posts:
wherethewildthingis · 17/06/2014 22:25

He's been in a Cat A prison for three years?

EleanorHandbasket · 17/06/2014 22:25

Did he do a bad murder?

I know this is no laughing matter really but FUCKING HELL, love.

Why? Why would you consider this? Do you not think you're worth more?

HarrietLicthman · 17/06/2014 22:26

What's a navy routine?

I've known him my whole life his family know mine we grew up together in the same area.

Marrying for love I didn't think getting married will get him out earlier? Or will it??

OP posts:
EssexMummy123 · 17/06/2014 22:27

Then are you being naive OP? I don't mean that to sound negative - and feel free to mention the specific crime i can't imagine it's rare enough to identify you - unless it's Rolf Harris that your marring.

reluctantphotographer · 17/06/2014 22:27

Why do you want to marry him now? Why can't you wait until he gets out?

HarrietLicthman · 17/06/2014 22:27

Nancy routine?

OP posts:
YoureAnIdiotGoodNewsImTakingOv · 17/06/2014 22:27

I know someone who married in prison.

I suppose the actual ceremony would change quite a bit depending on what your partner has done, but you seem unwilling to disclose that, so I presume that it's something pretty bad.

His wasn't that bad (I mean, it was bad enough, but nobody died) so they were allowed to touch and the prison kept guards to a minimum. They explained the process to her so that she could plan around it, and let him have a slice of the wedding cake. It all went like it was supposed too.

She was upset afterwards, though. I think in the excitement of planning a wedding, she'd forgotten that she still wouldn't have a husband afterwards. It was quite a come down, and she was pretty depressed. She talked to me at length about how much more lonely it had made her, and that she felt even stranger being married without him ever coming home.

They split up 10 months after the wedding. They haven't divorced, but she's not going to put her life on hold for him while he serves - she feels that she has lost enough in the years gone by, and she does get judged because of what he did.

I think that they'd still be together if it wasn't for this, to be honest. They love each other, that much is obvious. They were both 100% sure that they wanted to get married, and that they'd stay together after he was sentenced. It's a huge barrier to life, though, and while she looked forward to his release, she did foresee him being unable to get a job and the extra stress that money worries and living together again would bring. Once you've been on your own for a few years, it doesn't take long for someone to drive you up the wall - especially if they've been used to prison life, and enjoy leaving a mess everywhere just because they can now.

It's an odd one. I'm trying to just be there for her.

PurplePidjin · 17/06/2014 22:27

A cat is the strictest iirc, so he must have done something pretty serious - are you absolutely certain that he won't do it again and that you and any children involved are at absolutely no risk of harm? if he's done 3 years already, that's a minimum of a 6 year sentence, again the offence must have been pretty serious.

You'll probably get more sensible answers on a prison-specific forum (and there won't be any spammers clogging up your thread either, I've reported that btw) as it's a fairly unusual situation and most people will have no way to imagine your reality.

The future of your relationship depends on how well he integrates once he's back on the "outside" - will he stay on the straight and narrow, what are his employment prospects, how will you handle it if people in your community like other parents at school find out, will your family accept your decision and welcome him at times like Christmas. If he's out soon you can get started but I don't think I could handle that much of my life being on hold tbh.

caramelwaffle · 17/06/2014 22:27

Missed the Cat A prison bit.

Eek.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 17/06/2014 22:27

No it won't.

ThePinkOcelot · 17/06/2014 22:28

Just wondering, what is the point of getting married now? Why don't you wait until he gets out? Below is a description of a CAT A prisoner!

Those whose escape would be highly dangerous to the public or national security. Offences that may result in consideration for Category A or Restricted Status include: Attempted murder, Manslaughter, Wounding with intent, Rape, Indecent assault, Robbery or conspiracy to rob (with firearms), Firearms offences, Importing or supplying Class A controlled drugs, Possessing or supplying explosives, Offences connected with terrorism and Offences under the Official Secrets Act[cita

EssexMummy123 · 17/06/2014 22:28

Also, define love - how does your fiancee make you feel that he loves you?

BOFster · 17/06/2014 22:28

A navy routine is a bit like YMCA, but on board a ship.

memphismoon · 17/06/2014 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YoureAnIdiotGoodNewsImTakingOv · 17/06/2014 22:30

Hang on, when you say you're not expecting him to get out so you won't be disappointed, do you mean ever?

That would change things quite a bit.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 17/06/2014 22:30

There are loads of those in CAT B,C and D

EleanorHandbasket · 17/06/2014 22:30

As long as heeeeeee neeeeeeeds meeeee.....

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 17/06/2014 22:32

and let him have a slice of the wedding cake

Sorry - but that's really making me giggle. How romantic

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 17/06/2014 22:33

^Below is a description of a CAT A prisoner!

Those whose escape would be highly dangerous to the public or national security. Offences that may result in consideration for Category A or Restricted Status include: Attempted murder, Manslaughter, Wounding with intent, Rape, Indecent assault, Robbery or conspiracy to rob (with firearms), Firearms offences, Importing or supplying Class A controlled drugs, Possessing or supplying explosives, Offences connected with terrorism and Offences under the Official Secrets Act[cita^

Crikes - what a catch Hmm

OpiesOldLady · 17/06/2014 22:35

Why would you do this to yourself? If he's in a cat A prison, he's not getting out anytime in the foreseeable. You say you love him - do you really? Or is it the idea of being someones - anyones - wife that you love? Surely, his crime aside, if he was any decent kind of man he would want you to live for you - not to pine away waiting for a happily ever after that will probably never come.

Seriously love, have a word with yourself.

AllMimsyWereTheBorogoves · 17/06/2014 22:39

OP has said her partner is appealing against his sentence. I'm sorry, but that makes me think of a thread I read on here a while back about Jeremy Bamber. At least one poster was absolutely adamant that he was innocent. Loads of other people produced plenty of evidence to the contrary but she was clearly pretty infatuated and nothing anyone said was going to shift her opinion. The fact that Jeremy Bamber's appeals had failed over and over again meant nothing to her. I know miscarriages of justice do happen, but not that often. It worries me when I hear of women who want to marry people serving long prison sentences. There's nothing glamorous or exciting about being a criminal or serving a prison sentence and I can see no good coming of a marriage like that.

SecretWitch · 17/06/2014 22:43

I was a social worker in a US prison for a bit. I witnessed several weddings. The prison I worked in was maximum security. The bride and groom were separated by glass. A minister/ priest/ officiant read the very brief service. Rings were allowed to be exchanged. The groom was returned to his cell. The bride and her two witnesses returned home, or out to celebrate.

The marriages. seemed more positive for the husband/inmate. The inmate received the love and support (financial) from his wife. The wives for the most part worked to care for their children and homes. They received no support from their incarcerated husbands. Visitation was limited to a few hours a month, talking to their husbands on a plastic phone through a plexiglass window.

I don't know your fiances situation. I hope you are prepared for some very lonely nights as a married woman. Good luck to you, OP.

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