Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Namecalling in bed - new BF

101 replies

mrsefron · 10/06/2014 21:57

I have been out of the dating game a while now but have recently started a new relationship with a seemingly nice man. We have slept together a few times and the sex is very passionate and hot but the last couple of times he's called me a few names in the throes (like slut, bitch etc.) Is this normal and am I being a prude or red flag? Everything else going good.

OP posts:
msrisotto · 10/06/2014 21:58

Not normal, I would be unimpressed. Have you told him how you feel about it?

LindyHemming · 10/06/2014 21:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
mrsefron · 10/06/2014 21:59

No i haven't said anything yet.

OP posts:
frames · 10/06/2014 22:00

Bitch I could laugh off if it was done for fun, because I am so not a bitch its funny. Slut I wouldn't like and I would tell him. I would be hurt by that tbh.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 10/06/2014 22:01

Not normal. Some women might like it but it's something you need to get consent for before you start doing it. If a man spoke like that while we were fucking it would be the last time I fucked him. You're not prudish for finding it horrible! Tell him.

PattyPenguin · 10/06/2014 22:02

In unguarded moments people reveal their real attitudes. This is his attitude to women.

And therefore his attitude to you.

Really, you need to dump him.

mammadiggingdeep · 10/06/2014 22:02

Urggggh, no I wouldn't like that.

Hassled · 10/06/2014 22:03

I'd absolutely hate that - agree that there's a level on which he's revealing the level of respect he actually has for women.

GiniCooper · 10/06/2014 22:04

You're not being a prude.

frames · 10/06/2014 22:06

He thinks women who like sex are sluts. Its not very nice.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 10/06/2014 22:08

Grim.

Corygal · 10/06/2014 22:09

Eww, no thanks.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 10/06/2014 22:09

I would hate that. Is he into the whole "dom/sub" thing? If so, unless that's your thing then I would get out of there ASAP.

BitOutOfPractice · 10/06/2014 22:10

If it was part of something that you had talked about and agreed on and you both liked, then maybe.

But just coming out with it like that, no.

Not only is it red flaggy. It's also really cringey!

hesterton · 10/06/2014 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Delphiniumsblue · 10/06/2014 22:15

A red flag. Talk to him about it and if you don't like the response ditch him.

Amethyst24 · 10/06/2014 22:16

I think it suggests deep-rooted misogyny, sorry.

expatinscotland · 10/06/2014 22:19

That would turn me off. After the first time, well, there wouldn't have been a second time.

Wishyouwould · 10/06/2014 22:20

Totally agree with BitOutOfPractice - surely it's something you agree on beforehand - if a man called me a bitch and especially a slut during sex I wouldn't be back for more!!

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 10/06/2014 22:24

I wouldn't be able to tolerate that - no way!

I'm with Amethyst on the deep rooted misogyny thing too - sorry!

holdyourown · 10/06/2014 22:26

no that's not part of the current dating scene and is awful! I agree with delphiniumsblue

holdyourown · 10/06/2014 22:27

and everyone else Grin just in terms of what I would probably do, depending how much you like him and if you talk to him, what the response is

FrontForward · 10/06/2014 22:30

Yuk and more yuk. It would be a massive red flag for me.

I guess it depends if being called a slut is something you like. If it is, stay with him. If it isn't tell him or leave. Don't put up with something out of obligation???

GrumpyOldNag · 10/06/2014 22:34

I don't think that being into a particular 'style' of sex, for want of a better word, is a red flag and I also don't think that this represents what he deep down really thinks about women. People like all sorts of weird and bizarre things, one of the most common female fantasies is forced sex but that does not mean on any level that they want to be attacked or that they think they are inferior to men. Obviously I don't know as I wasn't there, but I think that what may have been happening in his head was something along the lines of "Ooh look at me, I'm such a man, I'm so masculine and powerful, I'm in control, I'm taking this woman" etc. rather than actually thinking you or any other woman is a bitch or a slut. I think it's pretty common, I've definitely come across it.

For me, the problem is the fact that he did not ask you and give you prior warning before he called you these names. I think if there is a red flag it will be in how he responds to you saying "During sex, when you call me 'bitch' and 'slut', it makes me feel uncomfortable/freaked out/unhappy/surprised/whatever describes your feelings best." If he responds aggressively or defensively, then you know you need to remove yourself from the relationship. He will most likely squirm and feel very embarrassed, but if he can have a respectful, adult conversation about this and you two come to an agreement then I don't think it is a problem. It is absolutely possible to love, admire, and respect someone and put them up on a pedestal, then drag them off the pedestal and fuck the shit out of them, then as soon as the sex is over put them right back up on that pedestal and love, admire, and respect them just as much if not more than you did before. Grin

TonyThePony · 10/06/2014 22:35

I wouldn't personally like it, I'd find it awkward and disrespectful.

However, and this is not a criticism, but rather an actual question, how would this be broached before sex? I can't imagine anybody saying to me 'oh tonight when we're having sex, do you mind if I call you a slut?'

Therefore, I can understand why he didn't get consent (for the name calling) beforehand so I would just tell him you weren't keen, check his reaction and if he doesn't do it again, all well and good, if he does do it again, ditch him.