Namecalling in bed - new BF

[mrsefron]

I have been out of the dating game a while now but have recently started a new relationship with a seemingly nice man. We have slept together a few times and the sex is very passionate and hot but the last couple of times he's called me a few names in the throes (like slut, bitch etc.) Is this normal and am I being a prude or red flag? Everything else going good.

DP did this once, nearly 11 years into our relationship. I told him the next morning I didn't like it. He apologised profusely and never did it again. If that's the reaction you get, I think you can let this go. You do need to talk to him, though, and heed his response well.

It's not good if you're not comfortable with it.

You can try saying "I don't like being called $words, during sex. It reminds me of... or I feel ....." If you want you could go to to tell him what sorts of things you like someone saying to you in bed; "I like it when you say [???] to me."

If some name calling is OK for you, when negotiated you might say "I love being called a bitch, but don't ever call me a slut" or appropriate equivalent. For some people that might be "call me anything you like, but don't call me stupid" or anything else that hits on a real world characteristic.

If talking face to face is hard, try (a) writing yourself notes for the conversation [realise this sounds unusual, but it's a method I found that works for me when dealing with conversations I think might be hard] You may end up wanting to share the notes with him. (b) swap communication medium - try email/text, if it's easier to discuss in writing (or easier to at least start the discussion that way). (c) don't try to discuss when either of you are in a hurry or are tired.

You can say to him "don't call me that" in the moment, when he does it, if you have sex again before you have a chance to discuss. [If you fear his reaction to that, you've got a bigger problem than negotiating preferred sexual activities]

I think it depends on if you like it or not really. There's nothing wrong with a bit of 'dirty' talk as it were, but only if you enjoy it. Some women (myself included, on occasion) enjoy a bit of filth/ kinkiness like that, and don't find it offensive or demeaning. If you're not comfortable with it though, let him know and gauge his reaction from there. Or just dump, if you're really uncomfortable with it.

Personally I don't mind talking dirty, but if it bothers you, tell him and ask him to stop. I think his reaction to your request will demonstrate whether or not it's a problem. I don't think it's a red flag in itself.

It doesn't make you a prude, by the way. We all have preferences.

The problem here is that you haven't had that conversation with him so he doesn't know you don't like it.

I quite like that sort of thing, lots do, lots don't. But I wouldn't expect a guy to jump right in with it not knowing my preferences.

You need to be proactive in letting him know what you do and don't like in bed. Just not being positive isn't much of a clue, at a stage where he is probably quite engrossed in other reactions.

If you are to go anywhere with this relationship, you need to start talking. If you can have sex with him, you ought to find a way to talk to him.

I think the fact that this is a new relationship is key.

Dp and I often have a bit of banter/kinkiness going on, not during sex but maybe during the day when we'll flirt with each other and I'm perfectly fine with that, we have however been together for 19 years.

If dp had said something like this to me in the very beginning I'd have been quite shocked but I would have talked to him about it, how I would have brought it up in conversation though is another matter.

Do you always find it so hard to lay out your boundaries OP?

What are you frightened of him saying?!?

If say talk to him, some men like "dirty talk"

It may have worked for him before, and he thinks all woman like it

I agree it may have worked for him before, he thinks women like it, tell him etc.

But actually I think this would put be right off. Talking to him about it wouldn't work for me, I think. If nothing else he has no tact and sensitivity if he can throw those things out there this early on and expect it to be a turn on for you too.

Wot expat (and others) said too

Oh the talking dirty thing. I used to have a boyfriend who liked to talk dirty. He talk about what we doing as being 'dirty' or 'naughty' or that I was a 'dirty girl' etc. I didn't really like it from the point of view that it sounded a bit daft and I don't think sex is dirty or naughty, but it was pretty harmless. It was enough for him for me to just agree 'yesss' to it, there's no way I could say stuff like that without laughing. But he never called me actual names like slut or bitch. That is crossing the line from getting a bit of a thrill by thinking he was being naughty, to being rude about me. I wouldn't have accepted it.

Just talk to him. Tell him you don't like being called names in bed and it puts you off. His reaction will show you a lot about whether it's him getting a bit carried away without checking with you first, or if it's a hidden belief about women.

GrumpyOldNag

It is absolutely possible to love, admire, and respect someone and put them up on a pedestal, then drag them off the pedestal and fuck the shit out of them, then as soon as the sex is over put them right back up on that pedestal and love, admire, and respect them just as much if not more than you did before.

I find it hard to get my head around that but that is probably more my own issues / lack of experience.

Red flag as far as I'm concerned. I would say it comes from porn and his general attitude to women

This is the time he's supposed to be on best behaviour! And he thinks it's acceptable to call you names when you're in bed together?

Bin him. This stuff always gets worse!

I think hissy is probably right. Although I agree with what grumpy said to an extent, in my experience it got a lot worse in the end. It's about the dynamic and with these kinds of names I can't see where the equality is.
Is it really all from porn??

Definitely sounds like a porn thing, which if he's been single for a while may mean his views on sex are a bit skewed. If you like him otherwise then next time you're getting intimate say "would you mind not saying slut or bitch while we're having sex as it doesn't really do it for me. I prefer things to be a bit more respectful in bed. That's not to say I don't want to try new things, but for me, that's not one of them." If he reacts badly to that, dump, immediately.

Little, I suppose we all presume its a porn thing because that gives him the get-out that he's not actually misogynist, just misguided! It may well not be a porn thing and just something he likes to do, but either way, if other women have been ok with it (which it seems that some on here are) then it's not entirely his fault if he doesn't realise that it's not universally accepted. You'd think that he might be sensitive enough to ask or build up to it, but evidently not.

Yuck! LTB.

I think it comes from porn films. I think men watch what happens on there and because the women "like" it, they think women in RL will like it. I wouldn't be too hasty about it being his misogynistic real views. Just mention that it's not your sort of thing and you'd rather he called you X instead. (Not the letter X obviously that WOULD be weird )

Mrsefron forget about whether it's "normal" or not, if you don't like it simply say to him, "I'm not keen on the name calling during sex so would you not do it again please". His reaction to that is what matters, not that he's doing it IMO. Some people think talking like that is sexy (or that they think their partner will find it sexy) so I wouldn't necessarily read anything much into it.

I think it's a bit odd for him to just suddenly say that in bed when he hasn't been with you that long and hasn't had any indications from you that you like that sort of thing. Fine if you've agreed you both like a bit of rough sex talk, but for him to just talk to you like that and expect you to be enjoy it smacks a bit of someone who either watches too much porn or who thinks women who like sex are dirty. Also, I think it's a bit naff. All that 'suck it you dirty bitch' and 'give it to me you fucking big boy' sound a bit too contrived to me.

I do wonder if all the people saying that it comes from porn, have actually watched porn. Porn is very varied and reflects a whole range of tastes.
Calling a woman a slut in bed, does not necessarily mean anything about the man's opinion about that woman (or women in general) the rest of the time. BUT, consent is vital.

I have never understood why people are too reserved / prudish / shy / embarrassed, to talk about sex with the person they are having sex with.
It makes no sense!

I'd imagine most of us have watched porn, MostWicked. That came across as really patronising! Of course not all porn features men saying stuff like that: just as not all porn even features men. However, I've seen plenty of porn with men bigging themselves up as study love gods and shouting about how much some slut wants their big cock. Naff.