Namecalling in bed - new BF

[mrsefron]

I have been out of the dating game a while now but have recently started a new relationship with a seemingly nice man. We have slept together a few times and the sex is very passionate and hot but the last couple of times he's called me a few names in the throes (like slut, bitch etc.) Is this normal and am I being a prude or red flag? Everything else going good.

my ex husband used to do this. don't tolerate it. it doesn't have to be from porn, it just comes from a deep disrespect for women.

I would not like that at all.

It could well be a display of his attitude towards women.

But it is possible that someone has told him women like it or a previous girlfriend did indeed like it.

If there are no other red flags and you really like him then I'd talk to him about it and gauge his reaction - if he is a bit sheepish and embarrassed then likely he is just a bit naive. If he is defensive or brazens it out its probably more a natural display of his general attitude.

I do think its important - if you might want to continue seeing him - to find out why he is saying it rather than just stop him
from doing it. If you just tell him you don't like it he will probably stop. But if its a symptom of how he feels then that will only manifest itself in other ways.

Obviously if you have decided to get rid anyway then it doesn't matter what his reason is!

It's so interesting reading your thread OP as when this happened to me I was in shock really- I couldn't work out if I liked/ minded or not but instinctively I recoiled. When it got to 'dirty cunt' I realised I utterly hated it and said something. He was quite furious and basically said well it's over, there's nothing left etc... Anyway, it then stopped for a whole but came back so essentially he ignored the fact I didn't like it. By that time the relationship was so abusive in all other ways that the nasty language was like a blow on a bruise, I just felt too tired to tackle anything anymore.
How I wish I had posted on here the first time he did it!! Or indeed did anything off.
Have you spoken to him? How did he react? Everything you need to know is in the reaction. Ignore a sulky/ petulant/ mocking reaction at your peril!

This is niche market stuff. Some women will enjoy it, but a vast number will not.

Being entirely honest, I find the whole sub thing quite pathetic (sorry if I offend, but, being submissive is inherently pathetic; you concede everything) and cringey. So anyone trying this on with me, would be pulling his undies on, on the way out the door.

Maybe this needs spelling out. It's OK to say you don't like stuff. It's OK to say that. It's OK to say no.

it just comes from a deep disrespect for women
Or a deep love of deliciously filthy sex.
When I call my DH a filthy bastard, does that mean I have a deep disrespect for men?

submissive is inherently pathetic; you concede everything
When you clearly have no experience, understanding or knowledge of a subject, your judgment of it is pathetic. You don't concede everything. Submissive does not mean that you let the other person do whatever the hell they want to do. You discuss and choose what you want the other person to do to you. The dominant partner, never does anything that has not been agreed in advance. The Submissive is in control.

The problem here is the fact that two grown ups have sex together, but one didn't ask the other one if something they wanted to do was ok. The other one didn't say they didn't like it, then feels they have to ask a group of people on the internet if it is ok what this person did!
THAT is pathetic. If you don't like something, say so. If you want to do something you haven't done before (with that partner), ask. The actual act itself, is irrelevant!

Well I, personally, don't like that during sex. But some people do. What I would consider first, OP, is - how is he outside the bedroom? Do you get the impression he likes and respects you and considers you a human being? Is he kind, amusing, good company?

If there are other issues with his behaviour, just bin and move on. But if you like him and he appears to like you, just tell him that you find that sort of language off-putting and ask him not to do it again. It may be that it's a turn on for him, in which case you're incompatible - or it may be that he thinks it's what he 'should' say, and will quite happily stop doing it. It isn't necessarily an indicator of misogyny. It could be an indicator of simple inexperience eg if he's only had two previous partners and they both liked it he might make the false assumption that all women do. A lot of people wrongly assume that all women who like 'kinky' sex like to be dominated and to submit. That's not actually the case, either.

He should have said he wanted to talk dirty, and asked if you liked that.

It's too late, you don't do it then hope she likes it. You should dump him and you should tell him why so he doesn't humiliate another woman. There was a horrible article in the METRO about things men do that "annoy" women in bed...and basically it was all borderline or actual sexual assault. Just getting consent isn't that big a deal. If he isn't nervous calling you a slut he should be able to say what he wants to do.

Someone once nuzzled the back of my neck and, in a low, throaty, Scottish accent, called me "a bit of a Hilary Clinton" in bed.

I have great admiration for her as a woman and as a politician, but I'm British, and Asian.

Someone did it to me once, I said I didn't like it. He never did it again.

He was also lovely.

An awful lot of conclusions being jumped to, here.

I do think that sometimes unwanted stuff in bed is a genuine mistake rather than a calculated act of abuse or indicative of hatred and contempt for one's sexual partner, particularly if someone is young and inexperienced. Some people do want to appear 'sophisticated' and 'great in bed', when they don't really understand what good sex is about, but the intention is to thrill the partner rather than distress him/her.

It's important to consider whether the person doing the Unwanted Thing is otherwise a nice person or whether s/he is already showing signs of selfishiness or bullying outside the bedroom. Of course, the unmistakeable Big Red Flag with a new sexual partner is that, if s/he does something you don't like and you either say stop or pull away or indicate reluctance or distress and the person carries on doing the thing anyway. That's unmistakeably abusive. If your new partner says or does something and you tense up or pull away or just say 'Oi, that hurts/No thanks' and s/he then stops and apologizes s/he is probably a decent person and a decent partner.

Sex for pleasure is, predominantly, learned and taught rather than instinctive. Most people have a drive to engage in sex on some level, same as people have a drive to consume food but we learn, and are taught, to eat with utensils and cook food, rather than just biting chunks off things. And some of us are more enthusiastic than others about (eg) hot chilis or organic vegetables or elaborate patisserie.

I just think it's really offensive that everyone is telling her she should be able to communicate better.

The onus is on him to be able to communicate that he wants to do something to her.

Always.

And if he is so in to talking dirty he should be able to say to her (like a grown up) I really want to talk filthy to you, is that OK?

Why should she have to say stop and feel awkward?

ALso the fact that she hasn't shown any interest when he has done this... shouldn't a guy notice she wasn't enjoying it?

I also think it is really disrespectful of women to assume they will like being called sluts..no one is that "naive" they really think ALL women want to be called sluts. Come on.

Whoa back up there elliebup.....someone called you a bit of a Hilary Clinton in bed! What does THAT mean?

Clearly she was a super sexy trouser suit to bed

Well thats clearly the reason

When I call my DH a filthy bastard, does that mean I have a deep disrespect for men?
for me, that would raise concerns. i don't want to have sex with a 'filthy bastard'. if i had to call him that i'd think he wasn't for me.
that doesn't mean the sex would be limited in scope - just that the language would be more positive.

Filthy bastard isn't the same as dirty slut, not by any means.
Slut has unlimited negative connotations. The concept of being a slut is what is inherently 'sexy' to the guy using it; in the same way that the words whore and cunt are used. It's deliberately demeaning. That's fine if, as a woman, being demeaned floats your boat, but it's absolutely not the same as calling a man a filthy bastard.
Bastard is used all the time in general life, it doesn't have sexual connotations or carry judgemental overtones to do with a man's sexual choices. Slut and whore absolutely do.

Most women I think would not respond well to this kind of demeaning language in bed. I think that to just go ahead and assume it's ok is bad sexual manners, bad manners full stop actually. It could indicate misogynistic views, or it could just mean he's a selfish lover who goes ahead and does things he wants to without checking in to make sure his partner is enjoying it.

Either way - yuck.

Just tell him you don't like it.

If he reacts badly, he's an a-hole and that is a 'red flag'.

I know my DH has made some bedroom faux pas and I'm sure I have too. And if you can't talk to him about it, you have to question whether you should be shagging him anyway.

for me, that would raise concerns. i don't want to have sex with a 'filthy bastard'. if i had to call him that i'd think he wasn't for me. that doesn't mean the sex would be limited in scope - just that the language would be more positive.
Ah, now you see, for me, filthy bastard is wonderful (and I don't HAVE to call him that, I call him that because I want to and we both like it). So is soft and romantic or naughty and quick or slow and seductive. Depends on our mood. The point is, we discuss it in advance so it is always consensual.
If YOU wouldn't like it, then it is wrong for you. But WE do like it, so it is right for us.

Slut has unlimited negative connotations .... It's deliberately demeaning
But it does depend on the person and the situation. I love filthy, uninhibited sex. I love being demanding. That is what we describe as sluttish behaviour. There's nothing demeaning at all when he uses the term on me, when it is my intention to be slutty with him (willing, sexual, filthy wife) But that is entirely between the two of us. I wouldn't want him to call me a cunt because it's not a word I like, so he would never use that. He would never call me a slut in any other context and there is no demeaning in our relationship at all. He is an incredibly considerate and loving husband.

Both people, when having a sexual relationship, need to be able to communicate their likes, dislikes and desires to each other, openly and honestly.
If one person wants to try something, they need to ask.
If one person doesn't like something, they need to say so.

When you clearly have no experience, understanding or knowledge of a subject, your judgment of it is pathetic. You don't concede everything. Submissive does not mean that you let the other person do whatever the hell they want to do. You discuss and choose what you want the other person to do to you. The dominant partner, never does anything that has not been agreed in advance. The Submissive is in control.

Thanks for the explanation, but I know all that. Again, I'm sorry if I offend, but it's a gut reaction. The whole 'sub is in control' thing is part of that gut reaction. To me, that feels sooo head-patty, and patronising. At the end of it all, you're still submitting to someone else, and that makes my skin crawl.

What does it matter to anyone else who likes it, though? I'm reacting to the OP, and the situation she's in.

The OP's situation was caused by him failing to gain consent and her lack of ability to voice her dislike of something he did.

He obviously likes to talk dirty & has assumed this is ok-assumption, as we all know, it the mother of all fuck ups.

Dirty talk is a very personal thing & I'm struggling to believe he honestly thought it was ok to go for it without discussing it with you first.

Tell him if you don't like it-he'll just carry on otherwise.

Some people like it some don't. As has been said. (i don't buy any of the huge assumptions about his deeply held beliefs)

But really OP if you can't talk to someone about sex and what you do and don't like you are almost certainly going to have a very very unfulfilling sex life. I think thats really sad.