Thinking of ending things with DP, because of other people's prejudice. Really need help.

[unbelievablyconfused]

Hi

In a relationship with a woman (am a woman) and we've been together for a few years now.

Overall, I'm very happy with her. In the beginning, although it was a new world to me, as I'd always identified as straight, I was very confident and proud of our relationship. When we got looks or nasty comments, I genuinely didn't give a toss. I was/am too loved up.

As time goes on though, I'm finding it harder to deal with. The comments aren't constant, but we couldn't go out and hold hands without getting a lot of stares at the very least. It shouldn't bother me, but it does. I'm really ashamed to admit this.

She's perfect on so many levels. I love her so much and I can't actually believe that I'm considering bailing because of what others think and say.

I have a daughter, who's still in primary school and I really worry that she will be teased as well. I feel so much responsibility to keep her safe from bullies and I feel like I'm kind of fueling the fire by being in a same sex, albeit loving, relationship.

Due to several circumstances, we're supposed to be moving within the next month or so, but I'm getting cold feet. One reason is to actually get away from the bigots and move to a much more liberal and diverse area.

I don't want to leave her, but I find myself fantasising about a time when I didn't have to worry about what others thought and I could just go out and hold my ex's DP's hand because I was in a straight relationship. Nobody would judge me, or whisper and point. Although I have never been in love like this, life was easier.

Me and DP have even had to deal with phsycial abuse over our relationship. Usually it's just staring, tutting and things like that. Lost a few friends over it too. It certainly showed me who my friends actually were.

I know people will probably tell me that I should just hold my head up high and be proud, but it's so so hard and the pressure I feel right now to make the right decision is immense. This is, by far, the hardest decision I will ever have to make, because it's not just my future, it's my daughter's and she is the most important person in my life.

DP can't relate and thinks I'm massively over thinking this. I haven't told her that I'm actually considering leaving, but I've told her how hard I find it sometimes and how those feelings are gradually increasing.

Because we're supposed to be moving very soon, which means changing school too, I can almost hear the clock counting down, until I make my final decision. I feel sick with worry most days.

I honestly do feel like I'm heading for a breakdown. How do I stop caring about what others think?

Any advice? I'm so incredibly stuck.

TIA

Earth, maisie.

That planet where we think homophobia is wrong. And where most people have learned to listen to each other,

I do not believe fighting for equality is something only mothers do,

I am bisexual, as you know, which is why I identify with the OP.

You are talking utter bollocks, and claiming that it's ok to be homophobic because you have experienced racial discrimination. Well, guess what? It isn't ok.

Imagine what it'd be like if you were discriminated against, and you couldn't deflect it just by changing your behaviour. What would you do?

I would stand up and say my piece, without resorting to putting down the other person and have the upper hand to stay true to myself ? How about standing up for myself without actually letting others brainwash and marginalise me to begin with? That is a start...

I do not have to imagine because I am experiencing this right now. Look at this thread alone and the crap responses thrown at me. The question is do you know how it feels to be marginalised that way ? Because to me, you did not even take into the consideration and the feeling of the OP being a mother, and you went ape shape on this aspect and went on your "homophobic" rant. Despite the fact this forum is MUMSnet. Of course she will fear for her child as a mother. Yet you marginalised this aspect of her desire to want to do so. I find this oxymoronic.

And I also find it ludicrous that others would even dare to suggest that a person can actually put their love life above their role as a parent first and foremost. Or to even disrespect this aspect and not to actually let their partner know how important this is to them !

Maisie are you a parent? if not, please know that once basic needs are met, the best way to ensure the happiness of the child, is to ensure the happiness of the parent.

That's great logic Maisie. People who are discriminated against should simply stop doing or being whatever it is that prejudiced arses are discriminating against them because of. Let's all blame the victims.

Ha ha ha. No I'm not a silly young teenager but a married woman in my 30's. I'm perfectly entitled to my opinion and have aired that. I think the responses are ridiculous on here and that you all need to get real I'm afraid.
And if my child turned out to be gay, that would be fine, I would still love him and treat him the same. Never said I was against people being gay.

Get me off this ludicrous thread now.

Also, the research evidence indicates that children are not damaged by having having gay or lesbian parents. They may experience prejudice because of narrow-minded bigots, but that is the fault of the narrow-minded bigots not their parents' sexuality.

Maybe you could consider reading some of that research (and the stuff done by right-wing religious groups with a homophobic agenda doesn't count) and actually informing yourself before insisting that you are right on a topic.

LRD Are you absolutely certain that you actually listening to me ? Because I do not think that you have but you projected your "bisexuality" under the title of "homophobia" onto others quite strongly without even an ounce of understanding of what they are telling you to begin with ! Earth to LRD. You say you have a husband but then you are also bisexual, yet you have no children. How does YOUR view relate to the OP's situation ? Perspective.

I said that her partner may not be able to relate is because she is not the biological mother, and you dismissed this. I suggested that she should indeed go ahead and leave this partner if indeed this is getting too much for her, and even she said openly that she considered this. Again, you strung me up for supporting her and encouraging her idea to do so, under the title of "homophobia". Isn't that your own projection here ?

I cannot say anything without you labelling it as homophobic.

I tried to rationalise why the difference between her feeling safe before to her feeling worried is because of the difference in biological chemistry and you dismissed this and threw in a large rant. Well, sorry for trying to get the OP to sense some kind of understanding for herself.

It is very clear to me that you have a simple agenda, and that is your worldview only and your desire of what you want for any other woman who remotely call themselves "bisexual" !

Honestly Maisie, I don't think LRD is the one being deliberately obtuse here.

Rooty No I am not. But I am an auntie, and also had looked after children also in my extended family.

Sorry, but I do not live a life like you suggested or even remotely is suggesting here. That I should see and use a man just to get a baby...OMG.

This thread is indeed getting ridiculous...

Bottomline to me is that the OP should indeed actually go for counselling or other. I do not wish to be an experiment of other people's worldviews and "perception of the RL".

So Maisie, who attacks LRD for not being a parent, and the lack of insight not being a parent brings, and that she shouldn't be on mumsnet, is not a mum.
Brilliant.

Isn't irony a wonderful thing?

So others can say what they like, sprout any old rubbish even though they have never experienced that feeling before and can comment that the OP is actually wrong or it is related to her own anxiety only ? That is also classic too.

People who have not been through that something should not comment and come across as caring for the other person when they cannot truly relate to them on an emotional level. Simple.

Arse - very fitting name for you. Don't bother insulting me, I have reported your post by the way as it is personally attacking. I do have a child yes and one due on Friday actually and am pleased to say that I regard myself as a very good mum.
Let's actually hope that you don't have children with your frankly 'weird' views and opinions. And yes I will gladly now leave the thread as I have better things to do with my time.
Bye

Oh, maisie. You are funny.

'You say you have a husband but then you are also bisexual, yet you have no children.'

Did you imagine bisexuality was a reliable contraceptive, then? It's amazing, I know, but some women are bisexual. And some of them are married. And some of those have no children. Oddly enough, I imagine that these things are not entirely related.

The OP is a woman who's in a relationship with someone she loves. I relate to that. I have sympathy for her. You are the one who seems incapable of understanding her sexuality.

'I said that her partner may not be able to relate is because she is not the biological mother, and you dismissed this.'

Er ... yes, I did. Because it's homophobic nonsense. You have ignored posts from people pointing out you are discriminating against stepmothers and adoptive parents, haven't you?

'I tried to rationalise why the difference between her feeling safe before to her feeling worried is because of the difference in biological chemistry and you dismissed this and threw in a large rant.'

'Biological chemistry'?! Was this the bit where you thought lesbians didn't have sex? Please tell me you realize you made a stupid mistake there?

Get me off this ludicrous thread now.

mrsm, you seem to misunderstand how the internet works.

Sorry, but I do not live a life like you suggested or even remotely is suggesting here. That I should see and use a man just to get a baby...OMG.

Maisie, what on earth are you talking about?

This happens in many ways and I do not know if the OP is or ever realised being in this side of the fence and how things escalates. I am sorry that she has to go through this and realises how things are in society. Even if she was not a anxious or a nervous person before, I can assure you that this does happen and it does make you into a nervous wreck if anything. I am also surprised that others are not as understanding and in support of her own idea to end the relationship either to enable her to live a more discriminate free life Because this is indeed true discrimination. It may not be that way and you do have to shield away a lot to get a normal life. I am not sure if the OP realises the sacrifices

I just know that a lot of people do not know what I do know about discrimination and prejudices and most people think that you can indeed sweep it under the carpet by minimising or actually not saying the wrong things here

Ending the relationship because of others prejudice, IS sweeping it under the carpet.

Shielding away a lot, is NOT getting a 'normal life'

If that is what you have chosen to do, so be it, but don't tout that as good advice for anyone facing prejudice and discrimination. You are talking about what YOU have chosen to do, your experience is just that, YOUR experience. It does not represent everyone.

You sound like you think you are the only person on this thread that knows anything about prejudice etc. What makes you so sure of that?

I have faced more prejudice than I wish I had, verbal and physical attacks, damage to my property amongst other things, I will tell you, I am fucked if Id follow your advice of 'shielding away' or avoiding places, nor would I end a relationship because of it, but that is because I am sure in that I know I am not 'wrong', my family is not 'wrong' and neither is my relationship.

I wish the OP well and hope she can find the confidence in herself and her relationship to be able to stand proud and not feel defeated by those small minded ignorants.

I am also going off this thread because to me, I do not wish to be labelled, offended, strung up, because I rather save my own sanity. To me, it has been an experience to say the least and now I am beginning to understand why some people behave a certain way indeed. It really is indeed enlightening.

I certainly do not believe in using a man for producing a baby only that is for sure !

Oh, no!

You're really leaving this time?

Or just until you see the need to be homophobic again?

I certainly do not believe in using a man for producing a baby only that is for sure !

As a mother, wait til you've had one

now off you pop.

Haven't read the whole thread, but just wanted to add my view. My DS (11) has a good friend who has lesbian parents. And it's not an issue for any of the kids. They just accept he has two mums in the same way that some kids have no dads/stepdads etc. We live in a small village which is very conservative so no doubt there is gossip going on, but as far as the child is concerned it doesn't appear to be an issue.

I would imagine that if you lived in an area which is more liberal and is more used to lesbian and gay couples then it won't be such an issue. I would always say follow your heart because you also need to set an example to your daughter, and she needs to know that you stay with someone because you love them. Even if she is teased a bit, she'll grow stronger and I'm sure she'll be far more tolerant than children of the people that make your life difficult.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Who has used a man to produce a baby?!? I'm lost now!

And MrsM - what weird views do I hold? That you can have bisexual or homosexual parents and still have a happy upbringing? It's not a view, it's the simple truth of my life! I have no agenda here. And I do have a baby. And he's wonderful. And he will be open minded and inclusive.
And yours will not. Poor little mites.