Thinking of ending things with DP, because of other people's prejudice. Really need help.

[unbelievablyconfused]

Hi

In a relationship with a woman (am a woman) and we've been together for a few years now.

Overall, I'm very happy with her. In the beginning, although it was a new world to me, as I'd always identified as straight, I was very confident and proud of our relationship. When we got looks or nasty comments, I genuinely didn't give a toss. I was/am too loved up.

As time goes on though, I'm finding it harder to deal with. The comments aren't constant, but we couldn't go out and hold hands without getting a lot of stares at the very least. It shouldn't bother me, but it does. I'm really ashamed to admit this.

She's perfect on so many levels. I love her so much and I can't actually believe that I'm considering bailing because of what others think and say.

I have a daughter, who's still in primary school and I really worry that she will be teased as well. I feel so much responsibility to keep her safe from bullies and I feel like I'm kind of fueling the fire by being in a same sex, albeit loving, relationship.

Due to several circumstances, we're supposed to be moving within the next month or so, but I'm getting cold feet. One reason is to actually get away from the bigots and move to a much more liberal and diverse area.

I don't want to leave her, but I find myself fantasising about a time when I didn't have to worry about what others thought and I could just go out and hold my ex's DP's hand because I was in a straight relationship. Nobody would judge me, or whisper and point. Although I have never been in love like this, life was easier.

Me and DP have even had to deal with phsycial abuse over our relationship. Usually it's just staring, tutting and things like that. Lost a few friends over it too. It certainly showed me who my friends actually were.

I know people will probably tell me that I should just hold my head up high and be proud, but it's so so hard and the pressure I feel right now to make the right decision is immense. This is, by far, the hardest decision I will ever have to make, because it's not just my future, it's my daughter's and she is the most important person in my life.

DP can't relate and thinks I'm massively over thinking this. I haven't told her that I'm actually considering leaving, but I've told her how hard I find it sometimes and how those feelings are gradually increasing.

Because we're supposed to be moving very soon, which means changing school too, I can almost hear the clock counting down, until I make my final decision. I feel sick with worry most days.

I honestly do feel like I'm heading for a breakdown. How do I stop caring about what others think?

Any advice? I'm so incredibly stuck.

TIA

LRD
*Did you misread again? They are two separate things. She's had homophobes be rude, and she's experienced physical abuse.

I do think you are lying, because I believe you know precisely what is going on here. You can take refuge in 'ooh, I just didn't understand,' but it's not convincing. You consistently misread statements in such a way as to support a homophobic agenda. That's not misunderstanding - that's lying.*

I think you are deluded. This world is a big place,and your worldview does not dominate the world. Sorry to say this. You can accuse me of anything you like, because I know my intent and what I set out to do originally. If you like to play that misconstruing game, then that is your perogative. I wrote what I did, and I hope that the OP found some sense in that.

It's funny when others use the word "agenda", cos to me, it is quite obvious now that you also have a set agenda too.

Ok.

'The OP wrote and I was careful to take into consideration HER own context of her immediate life here.

"I know people will probably tell me that I should just hold my head up high and be proud, but it's so so hard and the pressure I feel right now to make the right decision is immense. This is, by far, the hardest decision I will ever have to make, because it's not just my future, it's my daughter's and she is the most important person in my life."
She is worried for her daughter ! She is absolutely entitled to do this. Even if it means leaving her partner.'

• Obviously. Everyone agrees she's worried for her DD and everyone understands the dilemma is to do with that. The issue is, should she have to leave her partner? Will it help?

"DP can't relate and thinks I'm massively over thinking this. I haven't told her that I'm actually considering leaving, but I've told her how hard I find it sometimes and how those feelings are gradually increasing."

'OP wants to leave. Her partner cannot relate to her situation of being a protective mummy. Can you not see this ??? The only reason I can think of is possibly her partner was not the biological mother and that is why she may not actually feel a strongly and as protectively as herself in this scenario to be honest. Because you would think that her partner would also consider her feelings in this. Wouldn't you ? And no, I was not "generalising here" than to read the OP's situation clearly.'

• OP didn't say she wanted to leave, did she? She says she loves her partner, but she's considering leaving. The 'biological mother' bit is nonsense - you are making up stories here. She says nothing about it.

"Because we're supposed to be moving very soon, which means changing school too, I can almost hear the clock counting down, until I make my final decision. I feel sick with worry most days."
'She is so worried about moving, and she is worried about how this affects her daughter, whereas her partner seems to think that everything "will be fine". Can you not even see and read this in its simplicity ?'

• Yeah, we know she's worried. Duh. Like many people are. So what?

'Maybe you like to support the idea of bisexual relationship so much so that you overlook and do not care for the welfare of the actual individuals themselves. Well, good for you if that is your view.'

Yep, that's it. We're all so bisexually inclined we didn't remember to misinterpret the OP.

You have made up some stories that support your view that the OP shouldn't be in a relationship with a woman.

Interestingly, your claims that the OP was afraid of her partner, and that she lied about physical abuse, are nowhere to be seen - because we've called you on those and you realized you cannot maintain your fictions.

Maybe, just maybe, you should stop twisting the OP altogether?

maisie - yes, I absolutely have an agenda (and it is my prerogative).

My agenda is that I believe homophobia is disgusting bigotry that should be stopped.

LRd Are you a parent ?

Maisie, little of what you are saying makes any real sense, but I want to clear something up.

You make out that, because this is the OP's first relationship with a woman, that she wasn't bisexual prior to this relationship.

In your view, does it then follow that, if someone loses their virginity at 30, to someone of the opposite sex, that they were not heterosexual prior to that encounter?

Maisie there have been some loons on MN over the years but you take the biscuit.

OP didn't say she wanted to leave, did she? She says she loves her partner, but she's considering leaving. The 'biological mother' bit is nonsense - you are making up stories here. She says nothing about it.

It is not rocket science to know that once you have given birth to a child, you have this protective and gut instinct to protect your child at all cost ! She is considering to leave her child over that of her love life because she is fighting against her own gut instincts here and that is why it is agonising. She is not wrong to push for this option if she wants the wealth fare of her child first and foremost to be above her love life. If she is a bisexual woman, and if she misses this person, she can ask for a break even to wait and consider this before she is with her again. There are lots of options here. But pushing for an option that does not sit well with herself is just self destructive to say the least. It is hardly female empowering is it ?

I do not have any clue why you say things like spinning stories than I see it as common sense to be honest. If she is on the verge of a break down, then the option is to leave the partner is it not? She even wrote to tell us that she was considering this. Leaving her partner to put her child first. So why not support her in this decision, get her to calm down and then if her partner is supportive, then they can get back together again. To me, it is so obvious that this partner does not seem to care for her partner's agonising feelings inside at all. The only reason why I can see why her partner does not seem to take her seriously at all is either she had never been a parent herself or cared about children, or that she has not even contemplated this at all, EVEN though she is a stepmother.

Personally speaking, if I see a woman not caring about children, I would not be impressed to be honest. But then again this is none of my business, and yes, even my gut instinct is pretty wild there !

Oh, shit.

Sorry, everyone on MN.

I realize I have failed you.

As maisie points out, having advanced searched my posts I am ... prepare yourselves ... not a parent! I know, right?! It's exactly what the trolls always ask, and yet, I feel obscurely ashamed of my faulty womb.

I shall of course depart this thread never to return, since what I have to say about Not Being Homophobic is entirely dependent on successful conception (actually, I can manage the conception bit fine, but there we go).

OMG.... oh God. I realised what kind of person you are LRD.

Dammit, LRD, you're such a fraud. You must bow before the altar of armchair psychiatry and drink fruit shoots for the rest of eternity.

LRD do you have cats? As a parent to one human and two cats, cats COUNT
I suppose dogs do too

Is Maisie a parent?
I bloody hope not

I am such a fraud. And I have no cats.

I do fancy the fruit shoots, though.

Goldfish?

Nope, nada.

I have a husband, but then, he is no doubt complicit in my anti-heterosexual bigoted agenda.

LRD you can have one of my cats if you want

Nobody would say that a person who just "stares" at you or that they Tsk or tut, is actually physical abuse. Where is the level of perception here

What the OP said was;

Me and DP have even had to deal with phsycial abuse over our relationship

That means they HAVE been physically assaulted.

Usually it's just staring, tutting and things like that

That means, most of the time, it is 'just' people demonstrating their disproval in a non violent way.

Maisie, you have got this so wrong.

I think you have totally misread big parts of the OP and with those misunderstandings, have gone on to run with it throwing in some homophobia along the way yet you seem incredulous at others pointing out where you are going wrong.

You have rambled on so much, stop for a minute and consider that maybe you got it wrong here.

I do not have any clue why you say things like spinning stories than I see it as common sense to be honest. If she is on the verge of a break down, then the option is to leave the partner is it not? She even wrote to tell us that she was considering this. Leaving her partner to put her child first. So why not support her in this decision, get her to calm down and then if her partner is supportive, then they can get back together again. To me, it is so obvious that this partner does not seem to care for her partner's agonising feelings inside at all. The only reason why I can see why her partner does not seem to take her seriously at all is either she had never been a parent herself or cared about children, or that she has not even contemplated this at all, EVEN though she is a stepmother

This isn't about being a parent/the child.

Just so long as it's really a cat, and not a badger.

Me and DP have even had to deal with phsycial abuse over our relationship
That means they HAVE been physically assaulted.

- I wondered about this, and I do not know if this is literal because if it is, it is indeed about discrimination and prejudices isn't it ? She needs to see an actual counsellor about these kind of events that have happened because it is trauma. I myself did not, but I did find understanding and solaces from other people who went through similar things as myself. Yes, I was also a part of some activistic group on racial discrimination too. And yes, some people DO get physically abused, and their homes attacked and so forth. That is why I was so adament on brushing off the comments made here by the other two "heroines" here and focused on the actual discrimination that happens. Minimizing it does not make the actual incidences to go away and nor does it reassure one about the future either. You do have to be more careful and not enter or walk into certain places and that is how most actually deal with this kind of thing.

Usually it's just staring, tutting and things like that
That means, most of the time, it is 'just' people demonstrating their disproval in a non violent way.

-- This happens in many ways and I do not know if the OP is or ever realised being in this side of the fence and how things escalates. I am sorry that she has to go through this and realises how things are in society. Even if she was not a anxious or a nervous person before, I can assure you that this does happen and it does make you into a nervous wreck if anything. I am also surprised that others are not as understanding and in support of her own idea to end the relationship either to enable her to live a more discriminate free life. Because this is indeed true discrimination. It may not be that way and you do have to shield away a lot to get a normal life. I am not sure if the OP realises the sacrifices...

I just know that a lot of people do not know what I do know about discrimination and prejudices and most people think that you can indeed sweep it under the carpet by minimising or actually not saying the wrong things here.

This isn't about being a parent/the child.

If you read the OP's post, she is considering telling her partner to end this relationship and this is her own justification if you understood her post entirely from an intuition's perspective.

It does not matter what "we" think and "our" worldview, but the important point here is surely about the OPs' own safety and her own life too ????

I don't think you can assume everyone is as fortunate as you, maisie.

You may have been able to deflect abuse, but many people - like the OP - don't have that option. Suggesting they should pretend to be someone they're not is extremely unpleasant. Imagine what it'd be like if you were discriminated against, and you couldn't deflect it just by changing your behaviour. What would you do?

LRD
It is a cat.
Maisie's earlier post stated that there hasn't been physical abuse on OP despite the opening post.
Maisie is going round in circles and inventing new shapes.
Maisie is boring me now.
Maisie, believe it or not, this statement is meant kindly: get some help, please. I think you mean well, in a weird, deluded and selfish way, but you are being prejudiced and hurtful and inconsistent. And incoherent. I think counselling would benefit you.

LRD I do not know what planet you are from to be honest.... cos there is a heck of a lot of things that you do not know about.

I'm sorry, you are not qualified to even support certain ideas, cos to me you seem to think that it is just "ideas"....

You're not a mother, and you seem to fight equality for equality sake without an ounce of understanding what is going on and why.

It is no wonder that we are on different wavelengths because you have never been in that prejudiced position before, or being that discriminated against before. Wow... you have a nerve to say those awful words on here and marginalised me.

Did I deflect abuse appropiately ? I couldn't deflect the ones you threw at me. And you turned me into this person and even gave me a label a a "hater". Discrimination starts like this and then it turns into anger and then into physical violence as you know... You voice is larger than mine, that kind of thing.

You don't have to be a mother to understand parent/child dynamics.
That view is crazy!