Thinking of ending things with DP, because of other people's prejudice. Really need help.

[unbelievablyconfused]

Hi

In a relationship with a woman (am a woman) and we've been together for a few years now.

Overall, I'm very happy with her. In the beginning, although it was a new world to me, as I'd always identified as straight, I was very confident and proud of our relationship. When we got looks or nasty comments, I genuinely didn't give a toss. I was/am too loved up.

As time goes on though, I'm finding it harder to deal with. The comments aren't constant, but we couldn't go out and hold hands without getting a lot of stares at the very least. It shouldn't bother me, but it does. I'm really ashamed to admit this.

She's perfect on so many levels. I love her so much and I can't actually believe that I'm considering bailing because of what others think and say.

I have a daughter, who's still in primary school and I really worry that she will be teased as well. I feel so much responsibility to keep her safe from bullies and I feel like I'm kind of fueling the fire by being in a same sex, albeit loving, relationship.

Due to several circumstances, we're supposed to be moving within the next month or so, but I'm getting cold feet. One reason is to actually get away from the bigots and move to a much more liberal and diverse area.

I don't want to leave her, but I find myself fantasising about a time when I didn't have to worry about what others thought and I could just go out and hold my ex's DP's hand because I was in a straight relationship. Nobody would judge me, or whisper and point. Although I have never been in love like this, life was easier.

Me and DP have even had to deal with phsycial abuse over our relationship. Usually it's just staring, tutting and things like that. Lost a few friends over it too. It certainly showed me who my friends actually were.

I know people will probably tell me that I should just hold my head up high and be proud, but it's so so hard and the pressure I feel right now to make the right decision is immense. This is, by far, the hardest decision I will ever have to make, because it's not just my future, it's my daughter's and she is the most important person in my life.

DP can't relate and thinks I'm massively over thinking this. I haven't told her that I'm actually considering leaving, but I've told her how hard I find it sometimes and how those feelings are gradually increasing.

Because we're supposed to be moving very soon, which means changing school too, I can almost hear the clock counting down, until I make my final decision. I feel sick with worry most days.

I honestly do feel like I'm heading for a breakdown. How do I stop caring about what others think?

Any advice? I'm so incredibly stuck.

TIA

OP, not sure what to say, just wanted to offer my support like most of the MNers who have posted, with the exception of Maisie, I can't even understand most of her posts weed probably

I asked her what is her orientation and then she named it as "bisexual" and not "homosexual". Please read ! It was a choice to go from a heterosexual relationship and then onto a homosexual relationship. This is a fact

Do you understand what Bi-sexual actually means Maisie?

I'm thinking you don't.

So lets throw away honesty shall we ? I am guessing that others like to marginalise others and their history too. Good going.

To me, I wish the OP well, because it seems to me that she was hoping to look for answers, and I am not going to say further on this. As I see other ladies as seeing this as unfair. I just wish you luck in finding the solution for yourself and to feel better soon. That's it. I am sure that criticisms and personal antagonism will come out of the woodwork in classic MN style soon.

I don't think arguing that others like to marginalize people too is really a valid justification for your actions, is it, maisie?

You keep saying you won't post more, yet you always come back - almost as if you're enjoying the reaction you get for posting homophobia. It's amazing how you're familiar with 'classic MN style,' isn't it?

Tip: if you don't like personal antagonism, leaving out the personal attacks would be a good start.

Maisie it is your long and rambling posts, often focussed on yourself, and your need to have the last word, that has so totally derailed this thread.

Instead of writing another self justifying reply, why don't you reflect on that, for one a minute or two. Really.

I do not wish to see any personal verbal abuse from you any more LRD.
Because it is clear to me that you have absolutely no clue about prejudices, AND discrimination and so forth. You just like to throw your weight around a lot. It's funny that people talk of equality but they themselves are bullies.

Yes, I kept coming back because I am uncertain if I have let a situation whereby if the OP indeed does not want to be in this kind of negative relationship then she cannot see a way out. I still stand by my comment. No relationship is worth one's agony. No man or woman should have to be subjected to that kind of internal conflict.

People like to misconstrue your intent and isn't that always the case on here ?

Your intent isn't what matters Maisie. It is what you say. I actually have no doubt that in your deluded mind you mean well. That does not make you any less guilty of homophobia, or of prioritising your rhetoric above the OP's well being.

You alone seem to be unconcerned that she has gone and is unlikely to come back.

Your intent speaks volume because it was not a case of hating anybody or anything but then you baited me into being so, and this is often the case here cos you do not care about the harmony of what is said or not. If you noticed, the OP did indeed responded to my questions and I wanted to help her to consider those angles. At the end of the day, she is also a fully grown adult and can indeed make her own judgement too. The other two more vocal people here is what touted the negative responses to begin with. It went from there. Then they turned it around and fought off all the other perfectly legit comments, and put this "hatred spin" on the posts. I could indeed walk away at that point and left it there and let others call me homophobic, but why should they speak on my behalf and not to understand where I am coming from ? That is just mean and nasty to be honest. This is classic coercion tactic and mean girls behaviour. I am sorry if you think that this is and should be condoned even on MN.

The OP is not in a negative relationship. She is in an incredibly positive relationship but is being worn down by other people's prejudices Maisie. The two are completely different.

Maisie the OP responded to you twice. The first was to your relatively reasonable first post, which asked some questions. The second time was to correct your first batch of imaginings unfounded assertions.

You have an agenda here, and it is to share what you think the wisdom of your life experience is. I think that often characterises posts on MN, including my own. We see what we want to, we connect to others' experience through our own.

What I find unacceptable about the way you've participated here (and there have been no mean girls tactics whatsoever, don't try to belittle other people's valid opinions with a misogynistic, condescending reference) is that your views are

1. homophobic and objectively offensive, which is doubly insulting since homophobia is the subject of the thread;
2. inane;
3. you have completely dominated the thread (I'm tempted to give you a total Maisie word count, versus a total everyone else word count).

With all of that in mind, it doesn't matter that you want to help the OP, no.

As for being baited, I sincerely hope that you're not accusing me of anything. Take responsibility for yourself.

maisie, I have a clue about discrimination, because you have shown me what that discrimination looks like. Your posts about sexuality being a choice in the OP's case, and your posts stigmatizing her, were discriminatory.

Your posts are personal insults to many of us reading, because they are disgustingly homophobic and many of us feel offended by that on a personal level.

Plus, what rooty said which is far more eloquent than anything I'm managing right now.

Yes, I am responding back to your post, and you should indeed take responsibility of what you write also. Even though you said it to "defend" others. Because the reality is that it IS hurting someone else, ME. Of which you overlooked, and do not care to belittle at all. Yes, that is the mean girl tactic as usual. Cos you assumed that the OP is hurt and has not responded and you are also assuming that she has not read other viewpoints too.

As I said here. My intent is to share my experiences of prejudices and discrimination. The OP wondered what would happen to her daughter and I am that daughter of a migrant who had to face those kind of prejudices, and I gave her an insight into the kind of responses that people DO give out. It is realistic.

The world has indeed shifted a lot, but it does not mean that we cannot still hold onto our own values. Which makes US feel good about our own lives. I asked the OP to explore this option. But the reality is that, one should still never truly had to accept, or deal with situations which causes one absolute agony inside. Of which you seem to support the idea of. Which is ridiculous in my view, because you seem to think that a woman can and should fall apart for someone else.

The other point which stuck out is that her partner is not going to be able to relate to her emotionally because biologically it is not her daughter and that is why she cannot find solace in her partner on that fearful note about the child rearing. In case she is wondering why. On any other thread, most MN'er would rage high hell and say to kick out the partner already for being less than sympathetic !

Rooty It is funny to read your response that you stated I am "accusing" you of something which has offended me already. It means that your intent is obvious and you did not even realise or cared to single someone out and actually attack them so. Diplomacy ? Equality ? You believe in this do you ?

Step parents can't relate to step children?! Are you actually on this planet????

Maybe if you are so upset about being 'hurt', you should stop being so rude and offensive?

You haven't shared experiences. You've mentioned you've had bad experiences, while claiming the OP lied about hers. That's not sharing.

Your 'values' sound deeply unpleasant. Your misogyny, likewise.

You are making up this issue about the OP's daughter not being the biological child of her partner, aren't you? Do you feel the same way about straight couples who adopt?

You're also lying about the OP when you claim she's not finding 'solace' in her partner. She never said that. You are so keen to misrepresent this situation, you cannot take her words at face value. I know I'm wasting words, but could you try to be honest?

But Maisy, while your experience as the child of immigrants would be very useful in a thread where the poster was asking if she should move abroad with her children/ to start a family, it is not especially useful here, especially where the two people who have posted who have been in very similar circumstances to the OPs child have reported overwhelmingly positive experiences.

I am very sorry that you had a difficult childhood, but your problems are not the same as those faced by the OPs family.

The Op started to depersonalise and this is affecting her so much that she is on the verge of a break down. Nobody would say that a person who just "stares" at you or that they Tsk or tut, is actually physical abuse. Where is the level of perception here ?

It is so funny that others like LRD and Arsebadger can only be seen to lend support and not actually to even look at the other angle and they are just now generalising rather than to take into context of the OP's scenario. Wow... so much for.... "theorising" life. Because they are not are of the different kind of antagonism and actual prejudices. Sorry, they see anything as non-accepting to their views in life is antagonistic and "haters".

OP has a lot to deal with and only she knows what is right, rather than to let others ram it down her throat. Cos the post itself is very mixed and jumbled all around. Many ideas are thrown together and there are a lot of mixed issues coupled together which may be needed to be seen and dealt with in isolation. That is what I think.

You are making up this issue about the OP's daughter not being the biological child of her partner, aren't you? Do you feel the same way about straight couples who adopt?
Are you deliberately being obtuse here ? And misconstruing what I am talking about ?

You're also lying about the OP when you claim she's not finding 'solace' in her partner. She never said that. You are so keen to misrepresent this situation, you cannot take her words at face value.
You are not a parent are you ?

You do not see where I am coming from do you ? I am "lying" ?? .... This paranoia behaviour is way beyond my comprehension.

I think a constant feeling of being disapproved of can take the shine of anything (regular critiscism from a member of DH's family has made me (lightly) wonder if splitting up wouldn't be easier from time to time).

You've embarked on something new and marvelous, but because it's new your skin's a bit thin and you're already a bit of an anxious person so I think I understand where you are coming from. I think seeing your GP is a good idea, if you can deal with your general anxiety then your specific anxiety may subside. I've had CBT anxiety and that was my experience if that helps.

Not sure that it's any consolation but the people who don't give a monkeys or approve aren't likely to rush up to strangers in the street and shake their hands, it's generally the disapprovers who think they have the right to intrude on peoples personal lives. Basically the "don't give a stuff people" and the "good for you" people probably out number the cats bum people, you just haven't got any obvious way of identifying them.

*CBT for anxiety

Maisie

You wrote this:

The other point which stuck out is that her partner is not going to be able to relate to her emotionally because biologically it is not her daughter and that is why she cannot find solace in her partner on that fearful note about the child rearing

How is this not attacking adoptive parents, same sex parents, step parents etc?

The Op started to depersonalise and this is affecting her so much that she is on the verge of a break down. Nobody would say that a person who just "stares" at you or that they Tsk or tut, is actually physical abuse. Where is the level of perception here ?

Did you misread again? They are two separate things. She's had homophobes be rude, and she's experienced physical abuse.

I do think you are lying, because I believe you know precisely what is going on here. You can take refuge in 'ooh, I just didn't understand,' but it's not convincing. You consistently misread statements in such a way as to support a homophobic agenda. That's not misunderstanding - that's lying.

Maisie I take responsibility for all that I've said here, I would be happy to say it to you or to anyone else face to face.

Arsebadger Are you being deliberately rude here and wanted to string me up and "generalise " and "marginalised" me for the sake of how you perceive the world to be ? Because frankly, I think you need to understand yourself and your worldview first and foremost.

The OP wrote and I was careful to take into consideration HER own context of her immediate life here.

I know people will probably tell me that I should just hold my head up high and be proud, but it's so so hard and the pressure I feel right now to make the right decision is immense. This is, by far, the hardest decision I will ever have to make, because it's not just my future, it's my daughter's and she is the most important person in my life.
She is worried for her daughter ! She is absolutely entitled to do this. Even if it means leaving her partner.

DP can't relate and thinks I'm massively over thinking this. I haven't told her that I'm actually considering leaving, but I've told her how hard I find it sometimes and how those feelings are gradually increasing.
OP wants to leave. Her partner cannot relate to her situation of being a protective mummy. Can you not see this ??? The only reason I can think of is possibly her partner was not the biological mother and that is why she may not actually feel a strongly and as protectively as herself in this scenario to be honest. Because you would think that her partner would also consider her feelings in this. Wouldn't you ? And no, I was not "generalising here" than to read the OP's situation clearly.

Because we're supposed to be moving very soon, which means changing school too, I can almost hear the clock counting down, until I make my final decision. I feel sick with worry most days."
She is so worried about moving, and she is worried about how this affects her daughter, whereas her partner seems to think that everything "will be fine". Can you not even see and read this in its simplicity ?

Maybe you like to support the idea of bisexual relationship so much so that you overlook and do not care for the welfare of the actual individuals themselves. Well, good for you if that is your view.