Over reaction to an "off" day or justified concern over his behaviour?

[Throwingthisaway]

I hope you lovely people can help me to get my head on straight WRT to my boyfriend as I'm feeling confused and I'm finding it quite difficult to separate out my feelings.

A bit of background. I'm a 45 year old mum with 2 DCs. Their father isn't involved in any meaningful way. I had an unhappy marriage - well it was abusive really. He had a fairly heavy drinking problem, was unfaithful to me a lot, lots of intimidating behaviour and some physical abuse. This relationship has scarred me quite badly and I've spent long periods of my life being single. I find it very hard to trust men and sadly, this has often proved to be a justified fear as the relationships I have engaged in since my divorce have always ended unhappily, strangely usually down to jealousy on the part of the other person. I think this might be because I can seem quite "cold", in part due to my trust issues. I want to stress that I haven't had lots of men in and out of my children's' lives. There has only been 2 since my marriage ended 10 years ago, and I have never lived with anyone.

I've been dating my BF for 9 months. He is kind and generous, caring and good fun. Older than me by 10 years. We've been happy. He has met my children (they're teenagers now) and they like him. He's been having a lot of problems with his grown up son who has been involved in some illegal stuff. It's been awful, very stressful for him and very distressing and I have supported him as much as I can. So far, so good.

Last week one of my best friends got married. I was so excited for her and this day has been something that I've looked forward to for ages. The only slight fly in the ointment was that one of the guests at the wedding was an old flame of mine. When I say old flame, I mean person I shagged once, six years ago. We haven't spoken to one another in three years as we fell out over something completely unrelated to our very brief and unimportant one night stand. I took the decision to tell my BF about this man, as is didn't want him to find out while we were there and to be surprised/embarrassed (the old flame can be a bit on an arse once he's had a drink and has been inappropriate before). My friend was getting married on the Friday and my BF's son was due in court on Monday. When I found this out I said that he didn't have to come if it was too much for him, and that I'd be fine on my own. He insisted that he was fine and wanted to accompany me, and that he knew how important the day was to me. This was his first time meeting this circle of my friends.

He picked me up and was in a funny mood. I don't know how to describe it but I felt sort of on edge. I've never felt that in his company before. We got to the wedding and it was lovely, he met a few of my friends before the ceremony and everything seemed ok. After the ceremony we went to the line up and said hello to the bride and groom and the old flame (I hate calling him that it's so inaccurate but YKWIM) was standing just by them. I went to just say Hi, and turned around to introduce my BF and he'd walked off. I went over to him and he said something along the lines of "I'm not meeting that arsehole, bluster bluster" I was pretty shocked and a bit embarrassed really so I just sort of...well I just said "oh please don't be like that" and then I stayed with the BF while he got a drink at the bar. My other friends joined us and then the old flame came over. I tried to introduce them again casually and this time they shook hands. I thought that was all over and done with. Well it wasn't and the whole day was just dreadful. Every time the old flame came over to us - as he would because he is part of the friendship group that were there, my BF became sullen and downright bloody rude. It was mortifying. At dinner he said something nasty and barbed about my son who is going through the usual teenage phase of being a bit of a shit; he sighed, puffed, panted, complained and generally made it clear that he was not having a good time. We left early (!!) and sober (!!!) and when we got home I asked him what on earth was the matter with him. His response was that he wasn't expecting to "have him in my face all day".

This is getting really long. Well done for sticking with it.

I got into bed and didn't sleep a wink all night. I actually had a couple of little panic attacks actually - heart pounding, shaking etc. I did tell him that he'd ruined a very important day for me, and that he had acted immaturely. In the morning he cuddled up to me and asked if I was alright. I told him again that no, I'm not alright and that he'd acted appallingly. I drove home and he texted me that he was sorry and that he'd over reacted.

I can't let it go! Why can't I let it go? We've been "arguing" via text for two days. I say arguing but it's mainly him desperately texting me to illicit a response and me restating how hurt, disappointed and shocked I am by his behaviour. I don't know what to do. He wanted to meet me today (court case was postponed) but I just don't feel that I want to. He finally told me not to be silly (there aren't enough exclamation marks in the world) and that he wants to see me. He keeps asking what he can do to make it up to me, but he can't can he because the day is done and I'm never going to have that day again(I realise how childish this sounds BTW) and more than that, it shows a disregard for me that is shocking. I would never act that way in front of his friends regardless of any historical "romances" that may have occurred between him and anyone. But I'm not sure if I'm all tangled up with past abuses - my ex ruined every single important day during the years of our marriage, every birthday, Christmas, bank holiday, christening, wedding, everything was always spoiled so I'm wondering if I'm over reacting. He does know about my past, we were friends for a while before we started dating, and I've been sparingly honest with him - maybe too honest. I know he's under pressure and is stressed, but part of my feels that I've supported him so much and he couldn't even be fucked to smile and be polite on one day for me.

Or am I being precious?

*sparingly should be searingly!

I don't think you are being precious. Ask yourself how he would react if you had done this to him?

Hi op.

You come across as a very sensitive soul, with a lot of past hurt. And perhaps you do carry that with you, a little, as you write so extensively and in detail about the past.

Having said that, it doesn't mean you are overreacting to your bf. He did act like an immature arse, and you are right in expressing how unhappy you were being treated like that.

Maybe when you feel calmer, (in a day or two?), you can talk to him about this face to face and see how he handles it.

Then take it from there.

Hmmm. Difficult to tell. On the one hand, he was under a lot of stress, and he's apologised. Maybe it's a one off? On the other hand, you've only be seeing him 9 months and it could be his true colours.

Have there been any other irrational jealousy warning signs?

Thank you for being kind and not just telling me I'm behaving like a princess!

There has been one other incidence of jealous behaviour - again revolving around an ex lover (I sound like a right go-er but I'm not!) but TBH that was completely understandable and it wasn't at all at this sort of level.

It probably doesn't help that I'm not a jealous sort of person at all. My thought process is much more along the lines of "if they're going to cheat they will, no point fretting" so I find it all a bit baffling, and scary. I definitely find jealousy a scary emotion.

It sounds possible that you are used to being with a bloke who keeps you on eggshells, so the feeling of being with a partner who is a bit pissed off (which he had a right to be, you can't control his emotions really) made you feel panicked. You're not responsible for his feelings or even his behaviour. I am in a happy marriage but DH behaved v similarly when we met an old flame of mine for a drink. He was a very good friend but DH was stewing all eve and took it out on me a bit. You should try to separate his feelings from yours a bit, I think. Don't be so reliant on someone else being happy in order to be happy yourself, if that makes sense? Can I ask, if he's having a bad day about something random like the football, does it make you feel panicky too? Because I had an abusive mother and most of my early relationships were as you describe, if my partner was annoyed I would feel really panicked and defensive and we'd end up having an unnecessarily huge argument. When actually everyone is entitled to be in a bad mood. Otherwise it would be him who has to walk on eggshells around you! And actually I think it's quite sweet that he was jealous, but I'll probably be in the minority on that don't throw away your relationship on this as I do really think it stems from your fear of your past partner's annoyance and anger - your hackles and defences are up, to protect yourself, but he hasn't attacked you and you need to be bar to trust each other enough to be honest about your feelings. No-one's perfect and you don't want a bloke who hides his negative feelings behind a smile, really you don't. Call him a silly idiot and that you'll catch him afterwards. It was your day to enjoy - don't let other people, no matter who they are, ruin that. And that's down to you I think. You're not responsible for anyone else's feelings, only your own.

I'd say given that you have been saddled with a controlling knobber in the past who sulked through high days and holidays, you have had more than your fair share of twats. sounds like your red flag radar is well adjusted nowadays :)

Tell him Life is too short for that kind of shit, and he can do one. front has it in one. A normal well adjusted person just wouldn't do that. I know what I'd do if I was at a we'd in my dh was looking forward to and I met a hypothetical ex I was jealous of. I'd feign a migraine, apologise profusely and go home so as not to ruin everyone else's day.

I think what has happened is that, nine months in, you're seeing your boyfriend in a new and unfavourable light. The honeymoon period is expiring, the 'date face' has slipped and that's when you see the real person. Jealousy (or whatever it was behind him being so rude) is not a good trait in someone, you've had problems with similar behaviour in others and, if you assumed the previous example was a one-off, it'll leave you cold. It's good that he has apologised but I can see why you're feeling less warm and fuzzy towards him

Yes, you are panicky because it has triggered the old feelings from your previous relationship, but that is NOT to say you should ignore it.

His behaviour was completely ridiculous and if I were you I would have a cooling off period on the relationship at least.

There are two things going on here.

One is his behaviour when other men you have slept with are around.
This looks like the second time he did it, and you are rightly thinking that he would ruin any even with these groups of friends just because someone else you have slept with was there. Could he find other reasons to be vile and isolate you from friends?
How has he behaved with other of your friends before?

The other is his behaviour afterwards. He didn't offer a proper apology. He first asked you if you were ok and only apologised by text when you left. Unless you stormed out of the house as soon as you woke up, he had plenty of time to apologise. And he didn't apologise the night before when you got home earlier and sober.
He then said you were silly. I think you were right to want exclamation marks next to it.
He basically wants you to put up with it and move on without considering your feelings.

Your instincts are, probably rightly, telling you that this is a user who won't be there for you and won't even apologise properly.

Yes, sometimes we may overreact because of our past abuse. I may be guilty of that.
But, if he knows, he should be more careful with you.
And, importantly, the past abuse may well have given you experience to recognise abusive behaviour early on while other people may just dismiss it.

Whatever is happening here, you are not happy and he's not stepping up in anyway. I would say that you should trust your gut feelings here.

Well I don't think it was "sweet" that he was jealous and I don't think he had a "right to be" when he went to an important occasion for the OP, where he should have been on his best behaviour.

I agree with cogito and the timing says it all, 9 months in and here comes the REAL man you are dating.

I might not dump just yet, benefit of the doubt and all that but I think that you feel this strongly and unable to get over it because it was so completely out of order and you know this. Possibly your extremely strong reaction and refusal to pander to his pathetic behaviour may nip this kind of thing in the bud, only time will tell. I wouldn't be surprised if you don't gradually go right off him though, I know I would.

The only one being silly here is the man who is dating a woman in her 40s with two children, yet somehow expecting her to also be a virgin. (Two lovers in ten years? Racy it is not!) You rightly told him about the brief fling in case he found out by accident and felt he had been deceived; but then, having been pre-warned, he was all ready to be prickly. You couldn't really win in this scenario. Perhaps the idea is that you never go out anywhere, ever, in case you bump into someone you once had some kind of history with

I don't know whether it should be a dumping offence (although this is his second strike, so it's not looking good) but this kind of irrational bad behaviour has to be nipped in the bud NOW if there is to be any kind of bearable future between you.

(But yes, I am projecting to a certain extent, as I was married to an irrationally jealous man and he used to call me "silly girl" in a really patronising way .)

I agree with others that you are not over-reacting. Talk about a childish attitude!!

I have been in the position where I ignored this kind of shitty behaviour - took all the excuses how it must be hard, he's stressed, Im expecting too much etc etc - and it just snowballed.

It's controlling and childish, and frankly ridiculous. And the 'silly girl' comment just tops if off for me - so your feelings aren't to be respected but brushed off as being silly?

I'd be in line for dumping him, but only you can make that call. Why be with a man who can make you feel this way, ruin something dear to you, and act like nothing has happened.

BTW - my ex ruined one of my friends wedding by being like this (although not over an ex). I have never forgiven him for it!

You were quite in your rights to be angry, furious, with him! I would e spitting razor blades! I hate rudeness of that sort and he spoiled a day that should have been special to you. Horrible juvenile possessive behaviour.

However, there does come a point when you need to analyse your reaction - not the initial reaction, but the continuing one. Do you think you can move on? Is there something that is stopping you from calming down and looking at this objectively. And more importantly IMO, do you think you can talk it through sensibly with him so that you both know why it happened and that it will never happen again?

Big red flag. Not only was he unhappy with the situation, he acted out and made sure everyone knew he was unhappy, in a way that undermined and embarrassed you. To cap it all, he has not been understanding or contrite about it afterwards.

Unless he shows some real insight into what he did and how you feel when you speak to him about it, and offers a genuine apology, I would stop seeing him.

You poor thing. I absolutely understand what you mean about not getting that day back, he has ruined it and nothing he can do will change that, however nice he is now.

Utterly selfish and self centred of him, what an absolute arse. A day you had been so looking forward to, and the fact that he came across as an utter idiot in front of your friends.

Frankly I would get rid of him. How dare he act like that simply because, six years before you met him, you slept with another man.

Life is too short to waste on a selfish controlling idiot like that.

What Denzel says, plus:
He knew this was a special day for you and he showed no respect for you or your feelings from the very start.
Nasty and barbed comments about your son!! Perhaps he should be concentrating on his own son.
He doesn't sound like a gooden - get shot before you get in too deep.

Another voice of similar experience here. Mine was 8 months in. It was a shocking and upsetting 'change'. I had no idea about abusers then. It took me a long time to find mn and a counsellor. I am still affected by it. I won't bore you with the details but he IS just now showing you who he really is. Please, please remove him from your life.

I have gone on to have a marvellous, loving, mutually-respectful relationship. I am also in my 40s. He is abusive. Leave him behind.

Thanks everybody for your advice. (I'm at work today so limited access to the internet)

Some of my fears of his 'mask' slipping have been accurately spotted by some of you. This is my fear I think. He has been apologetic and has told me he feels terrible about making me feel so upset, so he's not completely dismissing the situation...it's more that I should just meet him, get it aired out and get back to 'normal' ASAP. That's not how I work though, I need time to process things and I don't think I've been clear enough with him in that regard.

He texted me this morning asking how I am, and apologising again, and he also said that I have every right to be angry and that he's furious with himself. I took the opportunity to tell him that he's stirred some stuff up for me, and that the anger I'm feeling is secondary to the hurt - this is true! - and that I need some time to process it all. He was very understanding and told me again that he's sorry and that he can't understand his own reaction either. anyway he's going to give me some space.

That sounds positive to me, I don't think I want to LTB right away but I've definitely got my eyes peeled now. (Which feels bloody awful actually, after having finally placed my trust into his hands. Fuck)

What did he say about your DS?

That would piss me off considering how you are supporting him over his.

Oh gosh. I know you know him and we do not. My abuser was very very apologetic too. Distraught. Even went to have 'therapy' for his irrationality. I gave him more than 'one more chance'. I cannot tell you how much I regret that. I was lured by how perfect the previous 8 months had been. You want to believe it is a blip, an abhorration, a mistake. It isn't. It ended up with him threatening my life. He sounds very similar and was, coincidentally, 10 years my senior. Please try to end this OP.

I think he behaved like an arse. But I don't see it as a LTB situation personally.

I find it interesting that you say past relationships have ended due to jealousy on their part. Would you say that the current situation is similar to those past experiences?

He is apologetic now. Focus on his first reaction. And the silly comment.
The rest is just trying to get you back because you haven't backed down.

By all means give him a second chance, but give him some rope and he will soon show you who he is. Again.

He was prepared to ruin a very important day with his infantile possessive behaviour. He breached your trust at the same time. Unforgivable. You are seeing things very clearly. Take all the time you need to process this

"He is apologetic now. Focus on his first reaction. And the silly comment. The rest is just trying to get you back because you haven't backed down".

What Lweji wrote. That is what this man is doing to you now.

He did not let the mask slip for 9 months, well its certainly slipped now and you are seeing what the real him is like. Its not a pretty picture.

Break this off now before you become any more emotionally invested in him.

I would also suggest that you look at Womens Aid Freedom Programme because this is for women who have been in abusive relationships.