Over reaction to an "off" day or justified concern over his behaviour?

[Throwingthisaway]

I hope you lovely people can help me to get my head on straight WRT to my boyfriend as I'm feeling confused and I'm finding it quite difficult to separate out my feelings.

A bit of background. I'm a 45 year old mum with 2 DCs. Their father isn't involved in any meaningful way. I had an unhappy marriage - well it was abusive really. He had a fairly heavy drinking problem, was unfaithful to me a lot, lots of intimidating behaviour and some physical abuse. This relationship has scarred me quite badly and I've spent long periods of my life being single. I find it very hard to trust men and sadly, this has often proved to be a justified fear as the relationships I have engaged in since my divorce have always ended unhappily, strangely usually down to jealousy on the part of the other person. I think this might be because I can seem quite "cold", in part due to my trust issues. I want to stress that I haven't had lots of men in and out of my children's' lives. There has only been 2 since my marriage ended 10 years ago, and I have never lived with anyone.

I've been dating my BF for 9 months. He is kind and generous, caring and good fun. Older than me by 10 years. We've been happy. He has met my children (they're teenagers now) and they like him. He's been having a lot of problems with his grown up son who has been involved in some illegal stuff. It's been awful, very stressful for him and very distressing and I have supported him as much as I can. So far, so good.

Last week one of my best friends got married. I was so excited for her and this day has been something that I've looked forward to for ages. The only slight fly in the ointment was that one of the guests at the wedding was an old flame of mine. When I say old flame, I mean person I shagged once, six years ago. We haven't spoken to one another in three years as we fell out over something completely unrelated to our very brief and unimportant one night stand. I took the decision to tell my BF about this man, as is didn't want him to find out while we were there and to be surprised/embarrassed (the old flame can be a bit on an arse once he's had a drink and has been inappropriate before). My friend was getting married on the Friday and my BF's son was due in court on Monday. When I found this out I said that he didn't have to come if it was too much for him, and that I'd be fine on my own. He insisted that he was fine and wanted to accompany me, and that he knew how important the day was to me. This was his first time meeting this circle of my friends.

He picked me up and was in a funny mood. I don't know how to describe it but I felt sort of on edge. I've never felt that in his company before. We got to the wedding and it was lovely, he met a few of my friends before the ceremony and everything seemed ok. After the ceremony we went to the line up and said hello to the bride and groom and the old flame (I hate calling him that it's so inaccurate but YKWIM) was standing just by them. I went to just say Hi, and turned around to introduce my BF and he'd walked off. I went over to him and he said something along the lines of "I'm not meeting that arsehole, bluster bluster" I was pretty shocked and a bit embarrassed really so I just sort of...well I just said "oh please don't be like that" and then I stayed with the BF while he got a drink at the bar. My other friends joined us and then the old flame came over. I tried to introduce them again casually and this time they shook hands. I thought that was all over and done with. Well it wasn't and the whole day was just dreadful. Every time the old flame came over to us - as he would because he is part of the friendship group that were there, my BF became sullen and downright bloody rude. It was mortifying. At dinner he said something nasty and barbed about my son who is going through the usual teenage phase of being a bit of a shit; he sighed, puffed, panted, complained and generally made it clear that he was not having a good time. We left early (!!) and sober (!!!) and when we got home I asked him what on earth was the matter with him. His response was that he wasn't expecting to "have him in my face all day".

This is getting really long. Well done for sticking with it.

I got into bed and didn't sleep a wink all night. I actually had a couple of little panic attacks actually - heart pounding, shaking etc. I did tell him that he'd ruined a very important day for me, and that he had acted immaturely. In the morning he cuddled up to me and asked if I was alright. I told him again that no, I'm not alright and that he'd acted appallingly. I drove home and he texted me that he was sorry and that he'd over reacted.

I can't let it go! Why can't I let it go? We've been "arguing" via text for two days. I say arguing but it's mainly him desperately texting me to illicit a response and me restating how hurt, disappointed and shocked I am by his behaviour. I don't know what to do. He wanted to meet me today (court case was postponed) but I just don't feel that I want to. He finally told me not to be silly (there aren't enough exclamation marks in the world) and that he wants to see me. He keeps asking what he can do to make it up to me, but he can't can he because the day is done and I'm never going to have that day again(I realise how childish this sounds BTW) and more than that, it shows a disregard for me that is shocking. I would never act that way in front of his friends regardless of any historical "romances" that may have occurred between him and anyone. But I'm not sure if I'm all tangled up with past abuses - my ex ruined every single important day during the years of our marriage, every birthday, Christmas, bank holiday, christening, wedding, everything was always spoiled so I'm wondering if I'm over reacting. He does know about my past, we were friends for a while before we started dating, and I've been sparingly honest with him - maybe too honest. I know he's under pressure and is stressed, but part of my feels that I've supported him so much and he couldn't even be fucked to smile and be polite on one day for me.

Or am I being precious?

Ok, fair point ! that should of read, ' what they THINK !! '...

Because abusers are obvious from the beginning, you know.

The guy is 53 and he doesn't know where this behaviour has come from? Really?

So I had my holiday. It was bloody lovely. I took the decision to write this off as just a one-off.

We definitely remained out of "sync" since though. I don't know, stuff niggled at me that didn't bother me much before, and I've been watching him like a hawk.

Last weekend was lovely though, we went to out favourite restaurant, reconnected sexually (sort of, but then it's always bloody "sort of". Don't ask) then went for a wonderful day on Sunday at a gorgeous stately home. We held hands and smelled flowers and drank pimms and ate ice cream and kissed in the gardens and it was lovely.

So then on Tuesday I went out with a friend who told me that my youngest DS has been smoking dope. He's so young. I am heartbroken. Then I found out that the BF knew this on FRIDAY and spoke to my DS about it and never breathed a word to me.

I'm so upset. So upset. I've ended things today after a particularly grating text conversation. The betrayal feels enormous, but once again I am second guessing myself. I don't trust my own choices at all. I feel so utterly lost and confused.

My head tells me that I'm doing the right thing, the text conversation today was me clearly stating my position and the reasons for my upset in a really calm, rational way, his responses were all about HIS feelings, "I'm devastated! I was protecting you! good intentions!" And then suddenly "you are punishing me because your DS let you down" at this point I responded saying that he doesn't get it and as I'd said earlier, the issue is that he kept this really important information from me, encouraged my DS to collude with him against me, setting a dangerous precedent, and I was dealing with this further betrayal of the trust that I have placed in him and if he doesn't understand it then, well, that's on him.

He responded with a text about my belongings at his home and what I wanted him to do with them. I didn't respond. He then texted that he really thought that I was the one. I didn't respond. He then left it an hour and texted that he knows he hurt me. No response from me as at this point I'm wondering just how far he's going to go. He then texts telling me how awful he feels. I don't respond. He then asks if he can see me tonight and follows this up with a ? When I don't respond. I tell him that no, I don't want to see him and then he starts on about some plans we had for next week. I asked him to stop at this point, told him he was being manipulative and to just stop it at which point....

I've just realised how deadly boring this must be to read.

Suffice it to say that he flip flopped wildly between "I LOVE YOU!" And "I NEED TO KNOW WHERE I STAND!" Which I guess is fair enough? But Jesus, give me a chance. So in the end I just snapped and said "you want to force me into a decision? Ok well it's a no to me attending [the planned thing] and I'll arrange to collect my shit from the house, now leave me alone" he responded telling me that I'm being nasty (!) and that he doesn't deserve this because all he's ever done is love me.

I feel like I'm going a bit mad. Because I'm still not convinced it's over WTF?! He's waving these flags in my face but I'm fucking second guessing myself, wondering if I'm over reacting - AM I?! - and I'm scared I'm just caught up somehow.

It's so weird, being from an abusive relationship. It doesn't just colour that relationship and prevent you from moving on, it colours EVERYTHING, and it makes you so fucking unsure of your own instincts. I feel like I can't trust myself at all anymore. It's sad. I feel so fucking sad.

I'm sorry but in my opinion yes you are over-reacting about him not telling you about your son.

I understand you're hurt but I truly believe he was trying to protect you. He was encouraging your son to quit (likely) and wanted to keep the stress of your son's poor decision off your shoulders. I think you over-reacted because you wanted to find something else he did wrong.

Backing up to the original issue at the wedding. You told him, right before the event, that a guy you had a history with was going to be there. You probably said something about this guy being nothing to you, and barely someone you talked to. He gets to the wedding and this guy is basically following your and your other friends around (in your bf's mind) so he's thrown because now he's thinking this guy could be more to you than you said or any other jealous thought. You might not "do" jealousy but I do so I understand how uncomfortable he would be feeling at that time and sometimes it's hard to suck it up when you're feeling that awful.

Yes you over-reacted (in my opinion) but it reads to me like you've still got a lot of trauma from your past relationship and you should probably try and work on your issues to stop them cropping up again.

Instincts are a good thing to trust, but you've got a bit of PTSD from your last relationship.

Your bf (ex, whatever he is) basically needs to walk on eggshells to make sure he doesn't trigger your negative thoughts. The problem is that when your negative thoughts are triggered your knee-jerk reaction is to run from the situation.

I also admit you ignoring his texts is so anxiety inducing, not to mention rude. You could simply have replied "I don't want to talk about it right now. I'll sleep on it and talk to you tomorrow". I think, if you do continue with this relationship, that you need to tell him how you need to wait X long before you can talk about it. So you have time to stop, think and assess. Then talk about what happened rationally. Think about it some more if you need to.

You went through a lot. It's understandable you're gun shy. Try not to beat yourself up.

Poor you. This thread seems to have polarised a bit into a debate on whether he's abusive or a nice man with idiot moments. I think there is no reason to take his bad moments at more than face value, but even without interpreting them as red flags for something worse, is not the key question whether you are compatible with him or not? Myself, I would find the not telling you about your son and the dope worse than the wedding thing, because the wedding thing is him being a dick in the heat of the moment, which we all do in some way sometimes, but the dope thing is him assuming on his own in cold blood the right to keep some very important information from you about one of the most important people in your life. I would have been very upset about the wedding thing, but I would have been absolutely livid about the dope thing- it wasn't his decision to make! So sorry :(

I agree with Alice.
I'd find it really bad between parents, if one would (for whatever reason) not tell the other about a dc smoking dope (or about anything serious about a dc), but a BF of 9 months, not the parent? I'd be livid.

I think it has nothing to do with your past. Stop doubting yourself.

the issue is that he kept this really important information from me, encouraged my DS to collude with him against me, setting a dangerous precedent, and I was dealing with this further betrayal of the trust that I have placed in him
...
Don't question your instincts. Trust yourself! Your description:explanation to him of what happened in relation to his son is very insightful and spot on I think. If a friend is able to tell you about your son what on earth is a boyfriend doing keeping that from you. He sounds quite child-like and you sound like you need someone secure in their skin, and grown up. If he's got you wobbling and doubting yourself it's not good for you.

It sounds like the sex isn't white hot either.

I think it's time to end it. I think when you're out of a horrid marriage it's fine to enjoy medium term relationships without having to worry about turning them into life partners. It sounds like this one has run it's course.

He's 50 years old and he has just shown: a) he cannot handle himself around past lovers & b) has poor judgement when it comes to your kids.

I don't think you're over-reacting although I accept your past makes that hard for you to judge. I've never been in an abusive relationship, but these two instances would be deal-breakers purely on the basis of him being a bit of an idiot.

I don't think you're over reacting, but I do think you seem very anxious about yourself and your decisions. As someone who has been in an abusive relationship, I wouldn't put up with a grown man sulking at a wedding, or making the decision not to tell me about my ds taking drugs. I wouldn't have any doubt about how I felt though, or constantly question whether I was over reacting or not. I think you need to get to the bottom of your own insecurities and why you doubt yourself. Would you ask your GP for some free counselling? It can be helpful if you find a good one.

Who appointed him as your protector? Why does he think he has any decision making privileges about your son? I would be furious. I fear if you stay with this man there will always be moments like these and you will be forever explaining things to someone who fundamentally doesn't get it.

I think your past has dented your confidence but your anger and disappointment at his recent behaviour has been spot on.

I don't think this man is abusive. But I also don't think someone needs to be abusive for you to end it with them. I would be furious if my partner hid information about my son from me. It wouldn't necessarily mean LTB, but given you'd been having doubts anyway, perhaps this is where to draw the line.

However, I don't really understand why you are playing games with the text messages (not responding to see 'how far he'll go'? Why??). Step away from the text messages and talk to him!