Over reaction to an "off" day or justified concern over his behaviour?

[Throwingthisaway]

I hope you lovely people can help me to get my head on straight WRT to my boyfriend as I'm feeling confused and I'm finding it quite difficult to separate out my feelings.

A bit of background. I'm a 45 year old mum with 2 DCs. Their father isn't involved in any meaningful way. I had an unhappy marriage - well it was abusive really. He had a fairly heavy drinking problem, was unfaithful to me a lot, lots of intimidating behaviour and some physical abuse. This relationship has scarred me quite badly and I've spent long periods of my life being single. I find it very hard to trust men and sadly, this has often proved to be a justified fear as the relationships I have engaged in since my divorce have always ended unhappily, strangely usually down to jealousy on the part of the other person. I think this might be because I can seem quite "cold", in part due to my trust issues. I want to stress that I haven't had lots of men in and out of my children's' lives. There has only been 2 since my marriage ended 10 years ago, and I have never lived with anyone.

I've been dating my BF for 9 months. He is kind and generous, caring and good fun. Older than me by 10 years. We've been happy. He has met my children (they're teenagers now) and they like him. He's been having a lot of problems with his grown up son who has been involved in some illegal stuff. It's been awful, very stressful for him and very distressing and I have supported him as much as I can. So far, so good.

Last week one of my best friends got married. I was so excited for her and this day has been something that I've looked forward to for ages. The only slight fly in the ointment was that one of the guests at the wedding was an old flame of mine. When I say old flame, I mean person I shagged once, six years ago. We haven't spoken to one another in three years as we fell out over something completely unrelated to our very brief and unimportant one night stand. I took the decision to tell my BF about this man, as is didn't want him to find out while we were there and to be surprised/embarrassed (the old flame can be a bit on an arse once he's had a drink and has been inappropriate before). My friend was getting married on the Friday and my BF's son was due in court on Monday. When I found this out I said that he didn't have to come if it was too much for him, and that I'd be fine on my own. He insisted that he was fine and wanted to accompany me, and that he knew how important the day was to me. This was his first time meeting this circle of my friends.

He picked me up and was in a funny mood. I don't know how to describe it but I felt sort of on edge. I've never felt that in his company before. We got to the wedding and it was lovely, he met a few of my friends before the ceremony and everything seemed ok. After the ceremony we went to the line up and said hello to the bride and groom and the old flame (I hate calling him that it's so inaccurate but YKWIM) was standing just by them. I went to just say Hi, and turned around to introduce my BF and he'd walked off. I went over to him and he said something along the lines of "I'm not meeting that arsehole, bluster bluster" I was pretty shocked and a bit embarrassed really so I just sort of...well I just said "oh please don't be like that" and then I stayed with the BF while he got a drink at the bar. My other friends joined us and then the old flame came over. I tried to introduce them again casually and this time they shook hands. I thought that was all over and done with. Well it wasn't and the whole day was just dreadful. Every time the old flame came over to us - as he would because he is part of the friendship group that were there, my BF became sullen and downright bloody rude. It was mortifying. At dinner he said something nasty and barbed about my son who is going through the usual teenage phase of being a bit of a shit; he sighed, puffed, panted, complained and generally made it clear that he was not having a good time. We left early (!!) and sober (!!!) and when we got home I asked him what on earth was the matter with him. His response was that he wasn't expecting to "have him in my face all day".

This is getting really long. Well done for sticking with it.

I got into bed and didn't sleep a wink all night. I actually had a couple of little panic attacks actually - heart pounding, shaking etc. I did tell him that he'd ruined a very important day for me, and that he had acted immaturely. In the morning he cuddled up to me and asked if I was alright. I told him again that no, I'm not alright and that he'd acted appallingly. I drove home and he texted me that he was sorry and that he'd over reacted.

I can't let it go! Why can't I let it go? We've been "arguing" via text for two days. I say arguing but it's mainly him desperately texting me to illicit a response and me restating how hurt, disappointed and shocked I am by his behaviour. I don't know what to do. He wanted to meet me today (court case was postponed) but I just don't feel that I want to. He finally told me not to be silly (there aren't enough exclamation marks in the world) and that he wants to see me. He keeps asking what he can do to make it up to me, but he can't can he because the day is done and I'm never going to have that day again(I realise how childish this sounds BTW) and more than that, it shows a disregard for me that is shocking. I would never act that way in front of his friends regardless of any historical "romances" that may have occurred between him and anyone. But I'm not sure if I'm all tangled up with past abuses - my ex ruined every single important day during the years of our marriage, every birthday, Christmas, bank holiday, christening, wedding, everything was always spoiled so I'm wondering if I'm over reacting. He does know about my past, we were friends for a while before we started dating, and I've been sparingly honest with him - maybe too honest. I know he's under pressure and is stressed, but part of my feels that I've supported him so much and he couldn't even be fucked to smile and be polite on one day for me.

Or am I being precious?

I agree with no part of your last post. But as you're going I don't suppose it really matters .

You are right to be mortified. Your instincts are correct. The fact he has attempted a lame apology shows he knows he was a cock but he is showing you who he actually is so please please listen to him telling you this. I would not be able to get past this behaviour as the day meant so much to you and he knew this and yet...he has tried so hard to make it all about poor him and his sensitive feelings.

My DH met an ex of mine at a funeral. He was forewarned that the ex would be there but he behaved impeccably because he is an adult. He just said afterwards, 'I have one question to which the answer is yes, OK?' 'Ummm...riiiiight' said I, 'Have I got the bigger willie?'
That is how normal behaviour plays out in these scenarios. I have met his ex and I was sweet as pie. Wanted to slap her but was as sweet as pie. He has behaved in a piss poor way and by not seeing it, continues in the same vein. I would shrug him off like a bobbly old cardi and bin the bugger. Trust your female instincts OP.

He may well not be the worst abuser, but being a prat should be enough to leg go of him if he is likely to be the type of prat who will ruin events for the OP. She has rightly had enough of that.

If you stay with him and he acts like this again, or another man, you'd be justified in sending them on their way right at the party.

You should rather let go of him, but leg go sounds somewhat reasonable too.

Ugh!

First of all, I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who spoke to me about my child like that. I just wouldn't. I expect my friends to listen to me if I'm concerned about my children, to be lovely to my children and to conveniently forget past arguments if they are just teenage dramas.

His snide whispers would have made me get up and move away from him.

How he behaved with you at the wedding was horrible. You are right - he ruined your day. He knew first thing in the morning that he wasn't going to enjoy himself, yet he still came along, didn't he? He could have let you have a lovely day on your own, but he didn't.

You are seeing the true man, now.

I just wrote beautifully worded, perfect reply and lost it. How frustrating!

Ok, so firstly, I want to thank all of you for replying. The LTBers and the Give Him A Chancers . I'm an old MN regular, used to post a fair bit on this board myself and I'm honestly so grateful for everyone's input, and I know how this works.

I want to answer a couple of questions and give a little more drip feeding background. Someone asked how he was with my other friends? He's been nothing short of brilliant. I have many circles of pals, and he's met most of those circles, and been just great. Honestly, I've been so proud to be with him as he's funny, engaging and interested. One of my dearest friends and her husband came over for a dinner party one night and they both got really drunk. Once she was in bed her DH started being inappropriate with me - staring into my eyes, slurring how beautiful I was and how much he wanted to kiss me - my BF just calmly smoothed everything over, helped me get the DH to bed and talked me down when I was feeling angry about it. We still see this couple and he's not jealous at all, his primary concern is for my friend. (The aftermath of this story is obviously more complicated, but on my friends' part and is not relevant)

Another mutual friend of ours (we were in a circle of friends before we dated) was in a grossly abusive relationship. He supported her fully when she left him, providing not only practical support - taking his belongings to him so she didn't have to see him etc, going to her home when he turned up shouting abuse and protecting her from that - but also emotional support, listening to her and being generally caring and kind. He did these things without my knowledge at the time, he wasn't doing it to "impress" me.

I think I've come across as being a bit meek, mild and vulnerable. I will admit to the vulnerability, but I am anything other than meek or mild. I am bolshy, outspoken and true to myself, always...well almost always, and BF admires those traits. I had a heated debate one night with one of our mutual male friends about misogyny in sport. I wiped the floor with him and my BF was so proud of me, and he could have been embarrassed really, I did not pull my punches. I definitely hold the "power" in our relationship to be frank. By this I mean that I am not a shrinking violet, when he pisses me off, I tell him and in no uncertain terms. I'm not scared of him, I'm not scared of telling him when he's being unreasonable and I'm not scared of admitting when I'm wrong either. So far, we've managed to weather some pretty shitty situations which have caused stress to both of us. For him, his oldest friend having heart failure, a couple of deaths, a terminally ill father, his son, health problems; for me: My ex causing problems, my son coming out, my other son being hateful and taking on a child that isn't his and all that entails - I've totally outed myself now. If you know please don't out me- it's been pretty much drama Central.

Hell, this all sounds like justification, like I'm justifying or somehow condoning his shitty, shitty behaviour at the wedding. I'm not. I'm trying to show that he's not a common or garden shithead. Whatever that means.

Isetan - your post resonated with me so much, as did many others! I'm wondering why I didn't tell him, robustly, to get a cab home. I think I was just caught up in the wedding you know? The joy of the day and all and...I wanted him to share it with me. Don't get me wrong, I turned my heel on him and danced without him - fuck him, right? - and I dragged him out into the garden and told him that he was behaving badly but we were a small group in a large wedding party...it was difficult, but I am angry with myself, I should have told him to go and enjoyed myself, although in reality I wouldn't have enjoyed the rest of the evening anyway, let's be honest.

I can't get my head around the whispered snark about my DS.

So, I've reached a decision. I'm going to meet him tomorrow for lunch. I only get an hour so this seems perfect. I'm going to write a few things down a couple of times before I go so that they're in my head. I'm going to gauge his reaction. Any minimising, deflections or refusal to listen will be my guides. We need to talk and I need to say my piece. Whatever happens after that will be what it is. I'm not afraid to be alone, he knows that, and my mantra has always been that a relationship should enhance your life, not diminish it.

So let me get this straight, you recognise his bulshit and you're going to call him on it. Diagnostics complete, congratulations there's nout wrong with your spidey senses, your problem is external. You didn't ignore your gut feeling and you're tackling issues head on, In this instance your past hasn't negatively impacted your handling of the situation, it's made you somebody not to be messed with.

How did he know that this was your ex in the line up? I'm a bit confused about that bit ; if you haven't spoken over a row in three years why introduce them? It seems like you tried to do that twice. Maybe if you have been negative about this bloke it's a bit of a turn around to expect your bf to listen to that and then be really nice? I don't think I'd have insisted on an intro.

"He keeps asking what he can do to make it up to me,"

the thing is you made it absolutely clear what you wanted - you said "oh please don't be like that"

You made it perfectly clear you were getting upset. He didn't care. Now you are still upset he wants to find a way to erase what he did. He could have erased what he did by apologising and behaving better at the time but he chose not to.

So he did not do what you begged and now you can't get past it, wants to know how he can put it right.

This is one of those situations where the only answer is "How can you make it up to me? You can have not done what you did in the first place."

Essentially there is no way he can make it up.

IMO you "make things up to people" if you have cancelled a date or something make-upable. eg "Sorry I cancelled the cinema the other night, I had a D&V bug. To make it up to you I will take you to see the film this week, and we'll go out for dinner as well."

You can't "make up" for behaving like a complete arse.

No, but you can be forgiven for behaving like a complete arse once if it doesn't happen again.

Good luck today OP. I think meeting him for a time limited period is a good idea.

Yeah, he's not asking how he can make it up to you for him being a twat but what will it take for you to forget he was a twat. If there are underlying issues for his current behaviour then he needs to be a grown up, acting all teenagey isn't very attractive or tolerable.

Well that went about as badly as it could have done. I stormed out of the restaurant without finishing my food.

Oh well.

Sorry to hear that OP

Are you OK?

Oh dear. Are you ok?

Oh dear :(

I nearly revoked my earlier advice after seeing your later post but seems it was along the right lines.

Are you okay?

Sorry to read that OP.

It is better to be alone than to be badly accompanied. You are so much better than he, you just need to believe that properly for your own self.

Sadly, I think your BF is one of those who is great as long as you are doing what he approves of and if you don't behave how he wants you get punished.

Sorry this has happened to you.

hmmm bumping into your ex's all the time isn't going to be fun for him is it?

But sulking is wrong, its a tough one.

I'm ok. I'll post later when I get home. Thanks everyone.

Glad you are ok and sad at how it turned out.

I just wanted to comment on your previous post, about sounding meek or vulnerable.
It is a common misconception that victims of abuse are milk and meek or particularly vulnerable. Not sure if that's what you meant, but abusers (and not saying that he is - you can replace with twats) can target strong women. They get pleasure from manipulating them and taking them down.
Glad you saw him for what he is and challenged it before he could manipulate you into accepting this twatish behaviour. It looks like you have learnt from your previous relationships rather than blaming your reactions on your previous experiences and that's good.

So today has been crazy. I decided this morning that I need to get away, so when I got to work I asked for a couple of days off next week, then booked me and DS2 on a flight to Spain leaving on Saturday morning. I'm going to meet up with my mum who will be over there and stay with her and her friend (who lives there). Four days lying by a pool sounds like a pretty amazing idea to me right now.

I met the BF for lunch as agreed. When I arrived he was already there, he looked very contrite and tired actually. He looked tired. He wanted a hug, I didn't want to so I didn't. He was ok with that. We went and sat down and I just said "so, what happened?!" He immediately started apologising, and it felt sincere. He said he didn't want to make excuses but he was surprised at how awful he felt that day and that he kept trying to get control of himself but then it just slipped away again. . I confronted him about the nasty comment about DS and he said that he meant that the boy was very posh and he was just sort of "joking" about that. I said it wasn't very bloody funny. I told him that his behaviour was unacceptable and a huge breach of trust for me, I told him that he knows my history and I expected more from him. I mentioned the support that I've given him has been quite hard for me because of reasons, and he agreed with that as well. To be fair he took it all on the chin, no minimising or anything, and I was starting to feel rather more positive, and that maybe this was just a one off aberration...and hey, if he does it again I'll definitely be off and out of this relationship, right?

And then he told me that he'd spoken to..let's call her Susan..about it all and that she'd told him to give me time and I'd get over it. Well now, Susan is no friend to our relationship, not at all, in fact the exact opposite. She shit stirs constantly, is dismissive of our relationship, has texted BF before saying "if things don't work out between you, I'd be happy to take her place", tells us to "get a room" should we dare to even sit next to each other in her presence...you get the picture; and we've both noted all of this and agreed not to give her any "ins" IYKWIM?

OH! The mighty fury that descended upon me was great and white hot. Our food had arrived by this time and I just looked down at my plate and then looked at him and said something like "I cannot believe you spoke to her about this - after everything that's happened with her!" I think then the pitch of my voice went so high in frequency that only dogs could hear me, and then we argued. Quite a lot until he said something like "I'm not taking this" and I said "neither am I" and I stood up, said "thanks for lunch" and walked out!

I know that wasn't the right thing to do but I just had to get the hell away from him, I think I'm too angry to deal with him at the moment TBH and I grabbed onto something "other" than the real reason I'm angry and ran with it. I wonder why I did that. although I am steaming mad about the bloody, bloody Susan thing as well. Argh!

He has texted me since. Firstly to tell me that he loves me and me alone, to which I responded that I'm not fucking jealous, I'm furious! And then another text to say that he hadn't told Susan much, just that he'd fucked up the wedding and felt terrible about it. He said that he feels just terrible that I'm so upset. . There's a bunch of flowers here from him not yet in the bin

So, I'm just not going to give this shit much more headroom for the next few days, I've got holiday packing to do - a welcome distraction I must say - and I'm going to have a lovely mini break and just chill out and try and think clearly, I think being away from everything will help me get things straight in my head and then I can decide whether to LTB or give it another go. I know this is frustrating to read, but I need to be clear with myself before I leap either way. I really appreciate all of your support. You've all been fab.

Love yourself for a change.

A text and apology flowers mean nothing; texting is really no communication at all especially here.

We get what we are willing to put up with when it comes to relationships.
Is this really what you are willing to put up with?.

Relationships should not be such hard work honestly. If this is what its like 9 months in, imagine 9 years of it. You are now seeing the real him, that's what he's really like and you deserve far better than he.

I think the Susan thing was totally on purpose to do two things.

Firstly so that he can paint you as a hypocrite if you even murmur about it - 'see - you're jealous too, poor ole Susan was just being supportive'.

Secondly it strikes me as a bit of a dig at you and a 'wanting to be in control of something' action. He would have KNOWN you'd hate it of course.

Don't think he quite likes you being so assertive and having clear opinions - with other people, yes he is proud of you - with him, maybe not so much.

Yes, I agree that the Susan thing is fucking bizarre - and smacks of something fishy to me too.

And so also agree about it only being nine months...it shouldn't be this bloody hard.

I don't , I think you weren't talking to him, he was desperate to make things right so spoke to 'Susan' who appears to have given some bland advice (as opposed to anything snide). I don't think men analyse everything to the same degree as women about social relationships.
However it's clear I'm outnumbered in my thoughts so will leave you to be told to LTB.