Over reaction to an "off" day or justified concern over his behaviour?

[Throwingthisaway]

I hope you lovely people can help me to get my head on straight WRT to my boyfriend as I'm feeling confused and I'm finding it quite difficult to separate out my feelings.

A bit of background. I'm a 45 year old mum with 2 DCs. Their father isn't involved in any meaningful way. I had an unhappy marriage - well it was abusive really. He had a fairly heavy drinking problem, was unfaithful to me a lot, lots of intimidating behaviour and some physical abuse. This relationship has scarred me quite badly and I've spent long periods of my life being single. I find it very hard to trust men and sadly, this has often proved to be a justified fear as the relationships I have engaged in since my divorce have always ended unhappily, strangely usually down to jealousy on the part of the other person. I think this might be because I can seem quite "cold", in part due to my trust issues. I want to stress that I haven't had lots of men in and out of my children's' lives. There has only been 2 since my marriage ended 10 years ago, and I have never lived with anyone.

I've been dating my BF for 9 months. He is kind and generous, caring and good fun. Older than me by 10 years. We've been happy. He has met my children (they're teenagers now) and they like him. He's been having a lot of problems with his grown up son who has been involved in some illegal stuff. It's been awful, very stressful for him and very distressing and I have supported him as much as I can. So far, so good.

Last week one of my best friends got married. I was so excited for her and this day has been something that I've looked forward to for ages. The only slight fly in the ointment was that one of the guests at the wedding was an old flame of mine. When I say old flame, I mean person I shagged once, six years ago. We haven't spoken to one another in three years as we fell out over something completely unrelated to our very brief and unimportant one night stand. I took the decision to tell my BF about this man, as is didn't want him to find out while we were there and to be surprised/embarrassed (the old flame can be a bit on an arse once he's had a drink and has been inappropriate before). My friend was getting married on the Friday and my BF's son was due in court on Monday. When I found this out I said that he didn't have to come if it was too much for him, and that I'd be fine on my own. He insisted that he was fine and wanted to accompany me, and that he knew how important the day was to me. This was his first time meeting this circle of my friends.

He picked me up and was in a funny mood. I don't know how to describe it but I felt sort of on edge. I've never felt that in his company before. We got to the wedding and it was lovely, he met a few of my friends before the ceremony and everything seemed ok. After the ceremony we went to the line up and said hello to the bride and groom and the old flame (I hate calling him that it's so inaccurate but YKWIM) was standing just by them. I went to just say Hi, and turned around to introduce my BF and he'd walked off. I went over to him and he said something along the lines of "I'm not meeting that arsehole, bluster bluster" I was pretty shocked and a bit embarrassed really so I just sort of...well I just said "oh please don't be like that" and then I stayed with the BF while he got a drink at the bar. My other friends joined us and then the old flame came over. I tried to introduce them again casually and this time they shook hands. I thought that was all over and done with. Well it wasn't and the whole day was just dreadful. Every time the old flame came over to us - as he would because he is part of the friendship group that were there, my BF became sullen and downright bloody rude. It was mortifying. At dinner he said something nasty and barbed about my son who is going through the usual teenage phase of being a bit of a shit; he sighed, puffed, panted, complained and generally made it clear that he was not having a good time. We left early (!!) and sober (!!!) and when we got home I asked him what on earth was the matter with him. His response was that he wasn't expecting to "have him in my face all day".

This is getting really long. Well done for sticking with it.

I got into bed and didn't sleep a wink all night. I actually had a couple of little panic attacks actually - heart pounding, shaking etc. I did tell him that he'd ruined a very important day for me, and that he had acted immaturely. In the morning he cuddled up to me and asked if I was alright. I told him again that no, I'm not alright and that he'd acted appallingly. I drove home and he texted me that he was sorry and that he'd over reacted.

I can't let it go! Why can't I let it go? We've been "arguing" via text for two days. I say arguing but it's mainly him desperately texting me to illicit a response and me restating how hurt, disappointed and shocked I am by his behaviour. I don't know what to do. He wanted to meet me today (court case was postponed) but I just don't feel that I want to. He finally told me not to be silly (there aren't enough exclamation marks in the world) and that he wants to see me. He keeps asking what he can do to make it up to me, but he can't can he because the day is done and I'm never going to have that day again(I realise how childish this sounds BTW) and more than that, it shows a disregard for me that is shocking. I would never act that way in front of his friends regardless of any historical "romances" that may have occurred between him and anyone. But I'm not sure if I'm all tangled up with past abuses - my ex ruined every single important day during the years of our marriage, every birthday, Christmas, bank holiday, christening, wedding, everything was always spoiled so I'm wondering if I'm over reacting. He does know about my past, we were friends for a while before we started dating, and I've been sparingly honest with him - maybe too honest. I know he's under pressure and is stressed, but part of my feels that I've supported him so much and he couldn't even be fucked to smile and be polite on one day for me.

Or am I being precious?

Which feels bloody awful actually, after having finally placed my trust into his hands.
that's exactly when abusers reveal themselves. When they think they are safe and can get away with abusive behaviour.
There was a first episode and you let it go. He thought he'd be fine this time. And if you let this go as he wants he'll know he can continue to do it.

magoria - we were sitting opposite a very lovely family at the dinner table. One of the boys was the same age my my DS. My BF whispered how lovely a family they were and how he wished he had had that with his wife and children and didn't I wish the same? So I said that I did have that with my boys, that they know how to behave at functions and I've often had people compliment me on their manners, then I said something nice about his eldest son (who is lovely) and then he said 'yeah, well I can't imagine this lad telling his mum to fuck off and storming upstairs'. This was a dig about a terrible argument I had with DS a month ago which distressed me terribly.

What a wanker actually.

That's yet another reason for giving this man the Order of the Boot as of now.

You'll be a lot happier without him and so will your children.

Do look into doing the Freedom Programme as well.

Sounds like the mask is really slipping.

He was shitty all evening and was vile about your and your son's relationship without reason.

It was all totally uncalled for.

Yeah, everyone tells me my DC are beautifully behaved when we're out, but they are all capable of swearing at me, or storming around the house, or being otherwise horrid, behind closed doors!

As he has children himself, he should be well aware of this, and so it seems he said it intentionally to hurt you.

Very nasty, just after you had complimented his son!

Oh nasty twat! After hearing that about your ds,NOW I say dump, he's horrible and this is only the beginning.

I suspect even if you went to another event with involving your friends with him and that he would another reason to behave the same and make sure you didn't enjoy it.

I think you need to have a serious think about what you expect from him and your relationship. As it now 4 days since and he still hasn't apologised for his behaviour. All his apologies have been sorry BUT and a sorry follow by But is not an apolgy but an excuse.

May I offer you a Reset Button?

Another perspective... he is stressed, court case, ex flame, all your friends and a wedding.... and he acted like a total prat. Big EEEK!

I am not at all sure about the masked slipped, abuser comments, that may be a bit OTT. But only you know if his response that he is furious with himself rings true.

To be absolutely honest, I am more than a little shocked at the negative comments about him. What you report him doing could really easily be explained as a grown man feeling like a duck out of water and not having the foggiest idea how to put it all back together again - his own feelings as much as anything else.

His comment about wishing he had that family thing going on was probably the most emotionally charged thing he could have said to you. That might have been him opening up to you, he could have taken your response as a judgement on himself and snapped back, if you had hurt his feelings.

But we weren't there and don't know him. But I hope you manage to work him out for yourself.

You could also read it in context.
There was no excuse for the silly comment.

He should have been mortified at ruining the event for the OP, if he wasn't selfish.

Oh this was punishment, punishment for having dared to sleep with someone else 6 years ago and the comment about your ds was him just giving the knife a good hard twist just so OP for the message. I guarantee there's a lot of anger bubbling away under the surface and it looks you get to be the lucky recipient OP.

No man should behave that childishly when meeting an old friend of their girlfriend nomama. It's a huge red flag that he feels like that about a ONS and that he thinks it's acceptable to make it the OP's problem.

"Another perspective... he is stressed, court case, ex flame, all your friends and a wedding.... and he acted like a total prat. Big EEEK!"

Nomama, lots of people have extremely stressful lives, and it does NOT give them a license to behave so appallingly.

For goodness sake.... I was very clear that I was offering another perspective, a bit of balance. I absolutely hate it when an OP gets nothing but LTB style posts because her OH has acted less than perfectly.

But I suppose balance is not what is required!?

What kind of person freaks out at meeting an ex? Did he think you were a virgin when you met?

We were at a party last week and met a delightful woman with whom my husband had a fling before we met. He said afterwards, "I hope you don't mind..." and I said, "Are you kidding? She's adorable. High five!"

I think the only time I was jealous of a partner's ex was when my former DP and I went to a wedding of his friend/old flame. When he wasn't following her around, he would say to me, "Gosh, I hope she's not making a mistake, her last marriage didn't work out." Concerned headshake. What a jackass. But even then I wouldn't have dreamed of having a tantrum.

Don't dismiss your own instincts by citing your past experience with abuse. He's acted like a shit, plain and simple. I wouldn't want to stay with someone who:

1. Humiliated me in front of my friends
2. Insulted my child
3. Couldn't handle the fact that I'd had lovers in the past

None of that is normal!

The problem is when that perspective enables abusers. It's all too common in real life when friends don't want to rock the boat or be blamed for a break up or are not aware of red flags.

MN may be LTB trigger happy sometimes. But perhaps it is actually healthier not to tolerate such behaviour. It's by finding excuses to poor behaviour that people end up in abusive relationships. Been there done that, not so tolerant anymore.

Why would you want to rationalise his behaviour in the name of balance?

I think some time apart would be a good idea. Then you can think through what he has done and said and find out if you want to continue or not. I don't think it is necessarily a ltb situation so far. But see if he gives you the space you need first.

But I suppose balance is not what is required!?

Oh knock it off.

Yes, let's find a balance: He thinks it's okay to insult her kid, she thinks it's not okay, perhaps they can find a middle ground.

OddFodd, and others, because it is reasonable to suspect that OP is already upset and seeing the worst in his actions. Another perspective might be of use TO HER. Sod the rest of your it isn't your relationship!

That and I actually don't subscribe to the amazingly negative reading of his actions that everyone else does. I have posted my opinion, as have others. I may be a lone voice, I may be the only poster who thinks he was a prat but not some monster in disguise, but as none of us are the OP and we don't know him, we could all be wrong.

He acted like a prat, no other possible reading of that. But I don't think that makes him the Ripper-esque figure he is somehow morphing into! I suspect that is the Great MN LTB Projection at work.

Did he insult her kid? OP reports him as accurately referring to an incident that did happen....

Can I ask why you didn't just leave your bf to stew and enjoyed the rest of the day? Your bf was a twat and had no right to take his issues out on you but by pandering to his pity party you gave him the power to put a damper on your day.

Look, you have had more than your fair share of twats and your current bf may or may not be another one. However, you have experienced and survived a lot and your inability to let go, may just be a manifestation of your regret at not telling him what he could do with his teenage bullshit at the time. I understand your disappointment in the déjà-vu ness of the moment but give yourself permission to let go of the anger and angst, sure in the knowledge that if there is a next time you'll drop kick his arse so fast.

In your place (even without your history) I would find it hard to let go of such twatishness but you have two choices here, let it go or let him go.

No, you're right, more accurately: he related a private distressing moment she'd confided in a pointed effort to make her kid look bad and to humiliate her in front of her friends.

Thanks for the balance: that sounds so much better!

You call it LTB projection nomama, I would call it LTB recognition. It's pretty well know that abuse has red flags and patterns, posters are picking that up here.

Can I just ask you, have you ever been in an abusive relationship? It doesn't mean you can't have an opinion if you haven't, more that you might not be as aware of the pointers as others who have.

Hmm, I've just read the thread properly. I just don't think he is mature enough for you and do you really want to hang around in the hope that he will catch up? Understandably, you've focused on the legacy of your history but maybe his is the problem here.

Erm... Nicki... it is just as likely that those who have been in abusive relationships see them where they are not. Red flags and patterns are not 100% reliable. They may not even actually exist! I know..... I will be hunted down for that one!

But I am off, as I said, no balance required. I shall leave the MN LTB experts to it!